I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
have fun glad surprises are surprises and wonderful. Yeah find some music they used to like he can reminise (sp) about the old days and its okay if he gets a little meloncoly (sp) but at least he can remember some good things to. That would be a great gift for him his own cd player with some special cd's you can find on ebay or amazon.
neon
I am glad you found this site. With all that you are dealing with it is good to find others who understand a bit. When I first found this site it was such a relief to not have to explain MRSA or anything else - we can truly empathize and understand the sheer magnitude of what you are going through. Even one day at a time can be difficult when you are facing your husband's illness and all the emotions that go into coping and trying to redirect your energies where they are needed. Words can't describe it - and here on this site we can read between the lines. It is late, so I am the first to say hi, but rest assured there are many people who have similar experiences. This site is safe place to ask anything - even if you just really need someone to say hi so you don't feel so alone.
You take care - there is no timeline for grief, and there are alot of people who understand. Please stay a while and join us. It is good to meet you.
You're 2/3rd of the way there, great progress you've made to handle whatever comes your way. Your clarity is impressive. You already know what many still have to learn: Our worries, frustrations and concerns will not stop the march of time. One day at a time is all any of us have. You're making the best of a bad situation. Carry on, and the best to you from all of us.
You are right that we all just have today. You mentioned early grieving. I am so glad you recognize that. People often aren't aware they are grieving, as our society "tells us" we grieve at the death of a loved one. Well, we grieve even more as we watch their decline. It's exhausting mentally, physically and emotionally. You are doing well in trying to take care of yourself. That's so hard, when you likely just want to sit and cry.
Not needing to know how he is every moment is good. It's part of detaching with love. You know you are doing all you can, and you can't "fix" this.
Blessings to you. We'll watch for updates.
Carol
I need help to prepare my children for what is to come. I need help to make it as easy on them as possible. They did not get to see the worst of my experience before, just what I considered the easiest parts and some freaked, some denied it was happening. They knew I had trouble walking basically. I need to know the problems you face when it is your family you are caring for. I cared for strangers.
I want them to be able to keep their lives, and not get too upset. I know they will get uspet some but I want to keep it as minimal as possible.
So is it ok for me to be here?
Also, I know about the crying, I used to let their children vent to me which helped them but I also hugged and held them and let them cry. A few I talked into hugging and holding the family member, telling them I love you so much and cry. So many times it made it family member feel better and the geriatric patient feel needed and useful. Even very ill people need this and can give love and comfort.
Please try it for both of you.
So, please keep coming back You belong here and your wisdom will be welcome.
Carol
Welcome to this sight. I feel I really have someone to identify with(besides Cat, she's my cyber-bud!), because you and I have been or will be on both sides of that fence.
I am currently a paid caregiver after taking care of my dad for 8 years. And have recently been talking to my son about the very things you are addressing. I posted once, that we do not talk about these things with our parents or them with us, so there is a lot of confusion, resentment, ect.
I applaud you for thinking about your children and what they may have to witness, or help you with. The bottom line is....what do you want to do? Stay with family until you and them know it is time for assisted living or a nursing home? Do your children know what they will be asked to do?
No, it is not a very happy subject, but we all have to do it some time or other.
And we did and do get to see what the families go thru when hired aid comes in.God Bless you for thinking of your children and I pray a good outcome for everyone. Thank you for sharing....
Your children may be uncomfortable with this conversation, but give yourself and them the credit they will understand you are thinking ahead and trying to make things as easy as possible on everyone, yourself included. Let us know what happens.
Welcome friend. Not only do you fit right in; you have brought up an issue that we all think about as caregivers. It doesn't matter whether your experience is family, professional, or both. We are all mortal and what you are so thoughtfully bringing up today is something we will all face at some point in our lives. I am very touched at how thoughtful and gentle you were in describing your situtation and the fact that you are looking for a sounding board, support and other viewpoints on how to approach both your own decline and the reactions of your children and grandchildren. Just reading your first post has given me insights and a sense that if you can handle it, so can I.
Coincidently I had been doing some reading on intentional communities while mulling over the issue of my own mortality. The conversation you have started echos that of others who have chosen to be self-directed. I guess caregiving is a double edged sword - we give tirelessly to care for others, and in doing so have our eyes opened to our own future, and the possible behaviour of our family members when it is our turn. Perhaps in the end though, it is a blessing in disguise - we can accept what is with grace, and choose to be proactive in areas that are now still under control.
Madyankee - thank you so much for being so open with a problem that will help us all plan too.
I see from your profile that you are the main person caring for your mom. There are many people who are in the same situation, and being the primary caregiver for a mom with Alzheimers is extremely wearing. There is no magic bullet for stress, but many of us have found that chatting on this board helps. I hope you will let us know what specifically is going on with you and anything else you would care to share with us.
Speaking for myself, when I found this site I spent alot of time just reading others stories and following their posts - it was amazing to find so many people who understood and were going through similar challenges. I found I could ask anything, and eventually I found a safe place to shake off the burden and stress for even a few minutes. We all have different tips - you might want to browse posts and see what resonates with you. Or if you care to share more, we can make suggestions. There are family caregivers and a couple of professional caregivers who bring amazing perspective to the subject. The moderator, and writers all are amazing and nothing surprises them - so if you would like to post to a specific person's private wall you can do so.
Welcome to the club. I hope being here helps
Cat
You will find this sight to be a "sanity keeper". You are doing an amazing job, but it is very hard under the best of circumstances. You will find a lot of good suggestions and support here.
Can you get someone to come in a few hours everyday? I don't know if you have facilities where you live that can help with that, but you can contact local organizations, even churches can help sometimes. Does your support group have information for respite care?
We all know how tired you are and it takes energy to find help, but it will help you in the long run. Let us know more about your situation, and what we can do to help. You must take care of yourself, and we will help in any way we can. Let us hear from you. God Bless