I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
Please let me know about tech problems so I can let the proper people know.
Carol
I have a brother to he can't even pick up the phone to call his mother, his wife said she would write me a long letter after the holidays but she didn't say what holiday and at this point I could care less If I hear from them again or not. Let your brothers walk a mile in your shoes than they will have earned the right to say where she should live. You have to make all the decisions and I wouldn't even give them the satisfaction of including them. They made their decision to be commandant so let them play commander and chief some place else I know easier said than done but after two years of nothing from my brother, he can kiss my you know what, I sound more and more like my father everyday. Everyone is always so ready to tell you how to do it but never there when you need them. So fine in my situation I have taken the responsibility, I will be responsible for ALL decisions made hereafter, and no one better tell me I did it wrong especially when they can't help So if brother dear you happen upon this post you now know exactly how I feel. Live your little life and live your little dramas and don't think of anyone but yourself because you are all that matters. Sorry llg I guess I just needed to get that one off my chest considering they won't return my phone calls emails or write the letter after the holiday. Seems like your Mom is going back in time mine does that when she does talk its about her childhood her life never anything about memories she has about her children so I guess it's just as well, I don't feel like her daughter I just feel that she is someone I am responsible for and will take good care of her to the best of my ability until it is done. Took me a while to get there because I was hoping we would have some kind of relationship, but we never did and I am over that now. This is just another chapter in my life. and hers to so as long as she can walk, go to the bathroom dress herself, get the mail and get what she wants at the store and watch tv she is happy. of course, yesterday she told me I threw her boots out???? I didn't but everything she can't find I must have thrown away. Well gotta have somebody to blame it on. We can't pick our families and thats pretty sad sometimes. So its no big loss to me you can't miss something you never had, I've always relied on me and my parents have always relied on me, and when I did something nice they always had to call and tell me they didn't like it or they don't want me sending $h** they can't use or some such thing just do what we want you to do and we will get along just fine. ?? It's almost over. for me anyway and personally I will feel relief and gladness. Than maybe I can enjoy my life. Hope you all get some rest and find a little time for yourselves this week end. try to hold on than do what you have to do you are the caregivers you make the decisions and believe in yourselves that you are making the right ones. Regardless of what others in the family might think. neon
Neon, BIG HUGS! Naus
Hey Austin, How is it going for you? You're in my heart and prayers as you all are. Neon
As a refresher: Dad has Advanced Stage Alzheimer's Disease, and has to have 24 hours care. He was removed from his home because he was a danger to himself, his wife (and she to him) and to others. He was wandering, and doing inappropriate things "with neighbors." It was sad to see him go to a Psych ward, and be removed from everything he worked for all his life and placed in one wretched place after another, and hospitalized twice. We visited as oft as we could, but lived 245 miles away. Every time we saw him would show great decline. It was heart wrenching. However, a break came in November when we were able to move him to the most wonderful, and beautiful Nursing Home, just 4 minutes from our house. He is since stabilized, and we enjoy frequent, almost daily visits. It has been a wonderful thing for all of us. My husband's Dad is my Dad's roommate with dementia, and both need to be where there are. Which brings us up to our current dilemma...
My Mom still lives 200 miles away, and is my legal ward. She has cognitive decline, and many physical problems. It is difficult caring for her from a distance, but we have been doing the best we can since January 2008. She called three days ago with recent test results:
1. She has a small cancerous lump on her breast that must be removed ASAP.
2. She has several cysts on her kidneys...
3. She has degenerative disc disease in her back, resulting in numbness and tingling in her legs, feet and arms, and possible surgery for that.
We were in the process of moving her close by, so she could be by her husband, but that is now on hold until further notice... It would be difficult to move her under these immediate heath threats and conditions! Which means, we will be traveling a lot more...soon! I will be driving 200 miles tomorrow to go see Mom. From there, one day at a time. Prayer appreciated. Thanks, Anne
Anne, you are very fortunate indeed. I too am lucky, my husband is wonderful too. We just celebrated our 25 years together, and he spoils me rotten. He is my best friend, my rock, and over the years has taught me so many things and has helped me to grow. But just sometimes, can be a royal pain in my ass, as I'm certain I can be too.
To all of you a good morning, and have a wonderful day! Hugs to you all! Nauseated
Carol
my gut says run...lol
but my heart says this is mine to bear... just spoke with the family... they have a personal care person coming in to care for my dad... no medical background... no one to monitor his meds just take him to where he needs to go doc appts, grocery store ect... only 4 hours a day... which is funny cause he does everything but doc appts on his own when she is gone...
Now he wants me to start taking over again... my sister says she is only going to help him when he is ready to go into assisted living... nothing else... she found out although she is the excutor she has not leagal authority to get him the medical assistance he needs... she tossed the whole we only did this because you said you were done... and I did... it seems to be the only way she or anyone else in the family will step up... sad when I think about it... so I guess I wont being going to Mexico... not sure I want to be around this attitude... I am desparately trying not to get angry and go off...
As for my Dad... I feel for him... but he will not get the assistance he needs and is becoming completely dependant on me... with my business and life in general already stressing me out... I am not sure how to proceed with him... for a year now I have been trying to get the family on board to place my 55 year old disabled brother in assised living...he currently lives with my dad... he is one excuse why my dad doesn't want to go to assisted living... he says he has to care for him... then the plan to target getting my dad in assisted living... No one hears this... I am so frustrated I could scream... it seems now that my sister is being her typically selfcentered self... If this is going to happen it will all be up to me...
RUN .... RUN... RUN... lol
someone please advise if you have any suggestions... both members of my family need assistance... how would you suggest I help them to see they need to move on...
But if he does I would start by putting your brother in assisted living regardless of what dad says it is stressful and a burden for him especially if he is having health issues. Than if Dad feels he needs to assist your brother perhaps there would be a place in the same facility for your Dad. this is sure a hard one I am so sorry there are so many self centered people in this society of ours but one day when they least expect it It will show up on their doorstep to. I hope I could be of some encouragement to you. If you Dad is having some heath issues and he is adamant about your brother not going he will put up some kind of fight, verbally, but if he cannot continue to care for your father that should be short lived. Take care Neon
Breakdown, praying for your situation, that both will get some help, and you relief.
Naus, thanks for your prayers. My Mom called tonight to ask when I'm coming. I didn't tell her I'm coming tomorrow. I'm meeting a girlfriend for lunch, doing business in the afternoon, going out with a girlfriend for dinner, and maybe staying the night with said friend. On Saturday Mom has to leave for hours, and I could do lots of business at her house finding lost keys, searching through paperwork, etc. and I could do some surprise shopping for her, before blowing back out of town to see my hubby and son again. That way I'm doing my duty to Mom, but don't have to do her bidding too. We are all driving back down on Tuesday for her consultation with a surgeon prior to breast cancer surgery. (As Guardian, I want to hear what the surgeon says, and what to expect...)
Neon, always the life of the party! Thanks everyone! Pray for my attitude with my Mom, because I'll be in her house, and she is upset about upcoming surgery and also in a lot of pain. I need to be compassionate, and will be vulnerable because my steady hubby and son won't be along this trip. I'm building in escape plans just in case! (And surrounding myself with wonderful friends.) Mom is too, but poor Mom! Too much. First her husband gets put in a nursing home, and she was just getting ready to move by him. Now she has cancer that must be dealt with asap. I won't tell her I'm coming until I am close by, because it just works better that way. Thanks for reading and for sharing.