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Hi all, I'm getting soooo tired of repeating myself to my Mom but I just think she's getting into the habit of saying what, because if I talk quietly sometimes, she hears me!!! Do any of you have your parents making these humming noises? Its like she doesn't think we hear her but boy do we. She does this all day long I was wondering if that is another strange part of dementia or anxiety maybe? Please let me know if you have any answers, thanks
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The husband hears others but not me unless I talk very loud then they think I am yelling at him and he hums all the time also and not soothing humming like my Grandmother use to do while she ironed but very anoying humming even the aides commeted on it at times.
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It's an attention getter, maybe that's why. But I was watching a documentary the other night on alzheimer's, and they too were humming, or whistling constantly, so I think it is a symptom. I'm glad dad does not do that.
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Hello Naus, I was wondering if you would remember what you saw than on? I am interested in this about my Mom. I wonder how they treated this if it is a symptom?
It can be really annoying I hate to say it but its true it really plays on your nerves.
Thanks
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Hi Michele, the documentary on Alzheimer's was on HBO.
As for the humming, did you ask them if they were singing? Did you listen to see if it was a song they used to sing or favorite commercial? When my mom hums, sometimes I sing along, sometimes I ignore it. This is interesting as it has a bearing on the temperament of the person, the relationship of the people involved, the dysfunctional malady's, how far the disease has progressed and how one chooses to
react to it. As one loses the ability to communicate, they use other ways to try to communicate. Sometimes they are not trying to tell you or anyone anything, as much as they just need to get it out, to let it out, like venting, to ease emotional pressure.
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Hi everyone, my mom doesn't hum but she whew's alot and blows out thise huge sighs all the time its her way of letting me know hey I don't want to be walking or I don't want to do anything so don't ask me, it could be because she says she's in pain all the time but the doc and I have tried everything we can come up with to ease her pain and its either too strong, has a side effect, she reads every side effect they give you with the meds and has everyone of them or just refuses to take the medicine as prescribed because she says she doesn't want to take too many pills she only takes lipitor and a H/B med which isn't helping either I suspect she isn't taking that as prescribed either and when I suggest we put her meds in one of those weekly containers so I can know what she's taking and or not taking she absolutely refuses. I can only fight so many battles. I am going to lose them anyway. So I think sometimes its an attention getter It depends on the person I think Like Jerome said. I wish my mother would sing or hum I hum all the time always did but mom criticizes me she says you always act like your happy? Okay!
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This is my first post. My mum has been with me for only four months and is nowhere near the straights of dire that I have read here. Nevertheless, its not necessarily the scale of the problem/s is it, but the impact. My husband has muscular dystrophy and now I have mum who is having to cope with her decline. My issue is that I have to tell her things she does not want to accept. Like wearing Tena pants in bed so she doesn't have accidents on the way to the loo. At least I'm able to have difficult conversations with her that she understands even though she might deny what I'm saying. I keep telling myself that its right she should know - I shouldn't hide things from her should I, if it impacts on all our lives together? How do people go about difficult conversations?
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Welcome, Meg. As long as your mother is capable of understanding the truth - reality as you put it to her - you should do what you are doing. Certainly, don't say something hurtful if there is nothing to gain. But if she is able to change her behavior, keep telling her, as gently as possible, what needs to be done.

You have a lot to handle, since your husband has MD. You are a caregiver for two people. You'll have to balance the feelings of everyone, the best you can, and hopefully get some help so you can have some time to take care of yourself.

If your mother has dementia, and gets to a point where she cannot understand what you are telling her or if she gets violent or verbally abusive, you may have to consider a nursing home. A lot depends on her mental capacity. Your husband needs you. You can only do so much.

Do keep coming back to this site to talk. Sharing what you are going through helps the person sharing as well as the readers on the site.

Take care,
Carol
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Hello Meg, Welcome, I had a hard time with the wetting the bed too and I did the same thing , just told her the truth and it works most of the time. Sometimes she still likes to be the Mom and not listen to her daughter!!! It's confusing for them.
This is a great place to ask questions and feel good the people are wonderful and very helpful, best to you.
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Hello Meg, these people here are such wonderful caregivers, and offer so much support. If not for them, I'm not sure I could have made it this far. The answer is to keep things as simple as possible for them. At least, this is what I have found out with my father. I don't tell him everything, because some things are too complicated and confusing, and then he gets scared and then becomes angry. So I have had wonderful success in telling him that I have taken care of everything for him, and all he needs to do is relax, or anything else that he would like to do, within reason. I put a note in the bathroom to remind him to wash his hands, and change his undergarments. Most of the time it works, but sometimes not, especially in the evening. So, I just gently remind him to do it, and he does it. Just be gentle. Good luck, come back and let us know how you are doing.
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About the hearing problems....I have noticed that my mom can hear ok on the phone unless she has music playing (very loud) in the background. Sometimes I have to ask her to go turn it down because it's bothering ME and I'm not even there! If there is background noise, that seems to make things worse. That's why my mom says she won't wear her hearing aid. I guess it amplifies background noise, too, and they find that distracting. But she has NEVER worn it, always says "I guess I ought to start wearing my hearing aid." I'm sure there will be things that will be harder if she deteriorates more. But to me, this stage has its frustrations because she is not to the point that I can have legal guardianship and yet she doesn't do the things she should or always make the best decisions. So I'm neither able to tell her what to do or to feel ok about her independence.
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Hi all I just wanted to comment on the "humming thing" again, it's not really humming at all, it's the way that you would mumble under your breath that type of noise and whenever I do something that she doesn't like she does it more and louder and sometimes in a cocky way. It's so hard to explain I wish you all could hear it, then again maybe not! I'll bring it up next Dr. appt. thanks for your help though.
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I cry all the time...I think I have cried more since my mom moved in a year ago than I did as a baby...she has stage 4 breast cancer. She has bad short term memory and I am an only child so it all gets taken out on me. It is so hard to hear these awful ugly things come out of my mom's mouth. I am exhausted and we as a family have turned our life upside down and she is just so ungrateful. I drive her over an hr. to her oncologist, we were out of town every day for 2 weeks for radiation. She has been hospitalized numerous times for extended stays, I was there 24/7 everytime, yet she says to me today that "You haven't done anything for me." Feed her, support her emotionally as much as I have to give. Please somebody tell me how to get thru this. My kids are active and loving and wonderful and I am so tired and crabby and I feel like a failure in every area of my life. I don't know what to do anymore.
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Hi Rybelleken ,and welcome. What you express is very familiar. The crying, being the only one to deal with the problem and the ungratefullness that goes with it. I am also an only child and feel the same way.You might also read messages here of people who have brothers and sisters, but they are left alone to deal with a loved one anyway. As far as the ungrateful, rude behavior that is, unfortunately something that seems to be a pattern with many caregiving situations. Usually it's the one that is closest to them, and who does the most for them that receives the most grief. I have seen it time and time again with other people and I see it now with my father, who I solely care for. He also makes rude jibes at me and feels I do nothing for him (except feed him, make sure he is clean and safe, take him to endless doctor's appointments,take care of his bills, maintain his house--you name it) it is EXTREMELY frustrating, but you have to remember to not let it consume you. You have to make time for yourself, to spend time having fun with other family members, and to certainly keep a sense of humor. This is a great site for sharing problems and venting. Also look into services in your area regarding help in caregiving and support groups that are specific to your problems. Talking about it (or typing about it) helps. Also try not to take it personal when they verbally attack you. Can't say that I follow my own advice on that one all the time, but at least I can remind myself that it seems to be a pattern in caregiving and that I'm not alone.
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That is very common the one receiving all the care telling their caregiver they do not do anything for them I guess it makes them feel less guilty.
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Rybelleken, I was just getting on to post about this same situation. Except it sounds like you get it more often than I do. My mom and I had gotten along pretty well for several months but she totally blew up at me last weekend and I've been crying a lot since. One of the things that makes this hard for me is that my mother won't talk about conflicts. This has nothing to do with dementia or aging. She has always been this way. My father was the one that would talk things over with me. When he was in the hospital shortly before he died, I asked him why he thought that mom couldn't talk about conflicts or even hear someone arguing. He said something like "Because she's so sweet. It is just not in her nature to be negative or to hear about negativity." Wow, that sure isn't the person I know. I'm glad he saw her that way and they got along so well. But even years ago when my mother was in pretty good shape she would criticize me. She would even take a stranger's side (someone she had never met but that I was having some problem with) and not mine. Will your mother talk to you? Could you say something to her like "It really hurts me when you tell me that I haven't done anything for you. I know you don't believe that. I don't understand why you say it to me. You know I've been here for you. I'm sure I'm not perfect, but I'm trying to help you as best I can."

My mother does have other caregivers. She is not bedridden. She doesn't leave her home much but she has people she pays to help her with a variety of things. Also, my daughter lives free in her basement (but will be moving out soon) and drives her places and buys groceries for her some. So when my mother chews me out and says really mean things to me, I have been tempted to tell her to just pay other people more to help her out since she is so unhappy with the way I am. But I don't. I stay a way a few days and then we see each other and it doesn't get discussed. If I tried, she would change the subject or start criticizing me again or act like I was being mean to her.

I know what you mean about feeling like a failure. I think when our own parents criticize us it goes deeper than if someone else does. My mother attacked me for not having enough money last week. Yet I work two jobs and I'm a single parent. Some of my child support is ending next month because one of my boys turned 18. I can't possibly work any harder. I often work 12 hour days and still do things for my kids and for her.

Is your mother involved in any type of gerontology program or center? Where my mother goes for some of her medical care is a university gerontology program. There is a social worker there who has met with us a couple of times, but it is always to talk about what my mom wants to talk about. I am thinking, though, of maybe calling her and seeing if we can meet with her to talk about this issue. My mother can listen to other people or talk to her friends about their problems. Just not her family.
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Hey everyone,

I was getting on to talk about pretty much the same thing. I'm having so much trouble dealing with my mom. She makes me feel so much like a failure at times. I gave up a job I loved uprooted my kids and moved to a state that she thought she would love to live in and now I am so miserable. I recently bought a baby monitor so if she needed me I could here and she called one of her friends and she just dogged me out like I don't spend enough time with her and all kind of things like that. I have been so down and depressed sometimes I just wonder why I keep doing this but, she is my mother but she can be so hateful and mean at times. My kids and I want to move back to Louisiana but, she don't and I can't leave her here. She is sickly and I know that is her problem but, why take it out on me and my kids she uses guilt trips for everything. Sometimes I feel like I am going to lose my mind. My oldest daughter tries to help me but, its not fair she has to go through this. My mom succeed in what she wanted me to herself away from all my friends and everything. Everytime I start to get a job she takes a turn for the worst and unable to leave the house. I feel like a prisioner at times. Is it possible to love someone and dispise them all at the same time. Then I get mad at myself because I feel like that. I know I promised I would always take care of her but, damn its getting hard. I am so glad I found this site because at least now I can talk to others going through the same thing as me I don't feel so alone as I did. THANK YOU ALL FOR LISTENING AND GIVING ADVICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Sulynn, I know what you mean about getting mad at yourself for feeling that way. I do that, too. I tell myself that she is old, in pain, and lonely. I should just ignore the mean things she says to me. But I am only human and I don't get a lot of support or help from anyone and have my own problems. Sometimes I seem to take care of everyone but me. So yes, feeling such mixed feelings is normal, I think.
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Dancetoday I know what you mean by taking care of everyone else but yourself I am famous for that one. I always want to make everyone else happy and have everything they need. But, is it selfish to ask when can I be happy when can I have my life I gave up my boyfriend of 9 years for my mom well, it was complicated now we live two states away and are somewhat back together but, im stuck here for now when do we get to be happy.
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Sulynn, you have lots of company here! It's not selfish to want to be happy yourself. No one is happy all the time, but life should bring you some joy. I hope you can keep the romance alive if it's meant to be.
Carol
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Hi everyone,
I am new to this question, but have so much to say! Don't ever give up your life for any reason. Set boundaries. If you don't set boundaries, no one will respect you and give you the courtesy that you deserve. You become a doormat! I set boundaries the moment that mom moved in to our home. I have caregivers who come about 4 to 6 hours a day four days a week. I also have a Saturday night lady so that we can go out. Mom pays for it. She also has a nurse 3 hours a week who does vitals and meds. My home, my rules. She pays room and board. We are not going into debt so that see can save money to give to my ungrateful bother. He does nothing, gets nothing. I may sound harsh, but I love my mom, but won't let her ruin my life and my marriage. So far after 3 1/2 years it is still working. We have our bumps in the road, but mostly it works. I keep my fingers crosssed everyday that she stays healthy and does not need additional care. Thank God she seems to be doing OK. With the Parkinson's, incontinence, and other problems, we still seem to be doing OK. Bless you all.
Linda
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Hi Linda, I think what your are doing is a good thing. I am also taking care of my Mom she is living with us, and today I hired caregivers to come in several days per week also. It will help me out alot especially in the morning to get her up washed dressed and fed. If you can get help I say do it. I also have siblings that do nothing and that is hard to deal with but your just have to. I have been taking care of my parents for years, groceries, laundry, cleaning, cooking, Dr. Appts., you name it we did it, and still do for Mom, but as I have said before we won't have the guilt that they will have someday and for that I am so glad. Peace to you.
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Hi Michele,
You know what is sad? My brother will never feel guilt when mom is gone because he has no idea that how he is behaving is wrong!!!!!!!! Those of us who care are the ones who would feel just awful is we abandoned our parents. Dad died 4 years ago this August. He was 92, and my sister in law was a great help. But neither she nor my brother helped my mom. She was always my responsibility. My sister in law would take my dad to his dr. appointments, but not my mom. I lived 36 miles away, was working, and still drove to their house, did the shopping, cooking and took mom where she needed to go. Not sure why they thought she was my sole responsibility, but now that I have her, they take a no ee no think about attitude. But you are right, I sleep at night knowing that my husband and I are doing the right thing. Thanks for your kind words.
Linda
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Neon, that "whews a lot" and " blows out these huge sighs" comments just about made me pee myself,lol.

What I have done with '7 day medicine pillboxes' is: place them one on top of the other to see how they sit best.
Put a double-sided piece of sticky tape between them to make them one.
Label one 'evening and the other 'morning. (also good to see through them-translucent)
This way you can see and control the meds. The supplies should be locked up in a lockbox or something.
Also print meds for each person, name, dosage, DR., and date. This makes it easy to print up and review should a new DR. want to review history or behavior with medications that may change over time.

Meg, I got a pee mat ('The Stabilizer Underpad) from the hospital that should last 10 years or so. It has a nylon plastic bottom and a absorbing top. Once I install a plastic cover/w/zipper and wrap it tight around the mattress and secure it with packing tape, then I put this mat on it, then make the bed as usual. When they pee, just put the whole shebang in the washing machine and remake the bed with new sheets and pad. The plastic wrap stays on the mattress and lasts about 2 yrs. When they take Hi blood pressure meds it makes them pee a whole lot more. When my mom would wipe out a bed every 4 hours or so for several years, I was frustrated to say the least. I created this system and it works. Pee all you can! 5 minutes and you'll have clean, dry, sheets. Of course you will need several sets ready to go. Jerome
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Micheleangel, you are so right. Getting help with the daily work such as bathing can make you a better caregiver because you aren't so fried and can relate to the person you are caring for in a more relaxed manner. You'll all benefit. It's the oxygen first rule - just like the airplane flight - taking care of yourself makes you a better caregiver. It's often extremely hard to do. I know that from my own experience. But for many of you, if there's even a change, grab it.

Carol
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Dear dancetoday, and sulynn, I posted to your walls, incase you don't receive notifications.
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Jerome, wow its sounds like you are really on top of everything. It's good to hear other people's tips on caregiving it helps. Keep up the great work, and God Bless you!
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I feel for every last one of you. This caregiver thing makes you numb. I was so pissed off yesterday, as it was my birthday and all my Mom said to me was "Happy Birthday."

I have to change her SH_T bag (colostomy) on a daily basis and that's all she seems to depend on me for. She did not even give me anything for my birthday, but gave my SIL $100 on her birthday and gave she and my brother $200 on their anniversary. Me and my husband get nothing from her and she now lives with us and we care for her, because my brother ended up back in jail. Both brothers are crack heads and she lifts them up to the ceiling. But me, she acts as if I am nothing.

As soon as I got in the house yesterday, my birthday, she started calling me and wanting me to do things. Then she said, "I smell something" and of course that was the cue to empty her bag. As my husband won't do that part of it, but he does the caregiving during the day. Then she wants to hug and kiss me, but never said anything about giving me anything for my birthday.

I've tried many times to spill my heart, talk to my Mom and tell her how I feel and how she does more for her sons than me and she says that she doesn't understand what I am talking about. It's amazing.

I am so sick and tired of being treated this way. I am bless to have my my own family (my husband and my kids), because if I didn't have them and God I would be crying everyday.

THIS IS WHY WE MUST TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES FIRST. ME AND MY HUSBAND GO OUT ON A DATE EVERY FRIDAY JUST TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND BE TO OURSELVES AND IT HELPS.
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mqflowers:

Combining my own experience ("Tough Times with 103 year old Grandma") with the stories I read on this site, I see that there are so many common themes which are probably inevitable.

You say "the caregiver thing makes you numb". Yeah, for some time now, I have felt like a paralyzed insect, all wrapped up and stupified in my grandmother's web. In the past, I have been a hotel manager (twice) and office manager for a medium size company, and I've also created some amazing computer programs. But now I get very little done other than my zombie caregiving duties.

I wasn't that way before.

Normally I would be very enthusiastic about health and nutrition - might even try a 3 month raw food experiment - exercise, beach walking etc. That is all gone now. (However I am about to try to regroup on this front - haven't given up completely yet)

I have only been able to work one year in the last 5 and that was the middle year of that period. At that time I was trying to help my grandmother with her vision problems and finally was able to drag her to an opthalmologist. Unfortunately her vision is poor and cannot be inproved by a new eyegalss prescription. No more Word Search puzzles for her. So what I did to compensate is splurge that year for Christmas and buy her a 46" plasma tv so that at least she can watch the Mass and game and cooking shows during the day. Expensive but she loves it.

The previous year I had purchased a pretty good quality home theatre system to boost the clarity and volume on the audio side. Her hearing isn't that great either.

Where my story ties into yours is that for Christmas that year she gave me half of what she gave her favorite granddaughter. Typical in-your-face behavior.

So the common theme here is that the relatives who are removed from the situation and do almost nothing are often idealized by the elder and regarded as wonderful, while the caregiver in the trenches is judged up close and found to be wanting. Horrible, but it seems most elders simply don't have the intelligence to understand the meaning of the "grass is greener" illusion.
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Dear Ish, you've been away for awhile, haven't you? Welcome back! You are so right. I think because they don't get told what to do, when to do it, etc. by the other family members who are not involved, it makes them seem so much nicer, than the ones who actually care the most. How sad. Take care all, and try to take care of you too.
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