I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
Thanks for the reply. I will be sending my mom to respite care this summer (for the first time) as we have a family wedding out of town. She saw the place and liked it since she knows she doesn't have to stay there forever ( I only wish). Since I am an only child (Dad is gone over 20 yrs) I used to depend upon my adult children to help watch her when I went somewhere (I used to travel for work but can't anymore & now work from home). However my daughter recently had a baby and my son is expecting his first child this year so they are not available to help out as before.
I too have taken to the garden to reduce some stress. It does help but it seems whenever I get involved in something my mom needs something. They do have a certain "radar" when we try to do something for ourselves.
I know God has a plan for her but I wish I was in on it!!
Keep venting.........it is the only way we don't go looney.......
oneandonly
Carol
As you are finding out, one way to relieve that stress and isolation is by talking it out with other caregivers. People do say things on this site that I'm sure they wish they could take back, but these caregivers realized that the person writing is in a bad spot - nearly all of us have been there ourselves. We're glad you are checking back. Yes, that statistic is right on, and now researchers are finding it may be even higher. Caregivers all too often forget to take care of themselves (or don't have the time, energy or money). You are wise to realize you are angry with your siblings, rather than your mother.
Take care and please check in whenever you feel like it.
Carol
I hope you will be ok. Hang in there - one pragmatist to another ..... let us know what happens.
C
Carol
Good advice. My husband and I are going for 3 days to small local resort. W have not had a break since November. Ad that was only for 2 days to go to a wedding. My brother is also a big disappointment. He does nothing and mom is OK with this! I am so looking forward to the mini vacation. I got a dog to love and occupy my time. We walk 1- 2 miles a day and she is the little love of my life. She is my therapy!!!
Good luck,
Linda
Do you have power of attorney? Speaking of parent being okay with what the brother does not do, it took me forever to get my dad to put me first as POA. It was that generation thing about the boy being the first born, etc. BS!! So glad dad finally realized after the lawyer talked to him about how lucky he was to have his daughter taking care of him. That was some years ago as it has now been close to seven that we have had dad.
We dog sit on Wed and will today for my son and you are right, that is great therapy. He has a pitbull Brownie he has had since a puppy so she is really sweet and a weimaraner boy Dallas. It is not too far so all in all about a couple hours. It is nice to get away from the house, pet the dogs, and then come back. Gives a fresh perspective.
We hope to get away after my brother and nephew leave!! Enjoy yourself!
It was a very stressful weekend to say the least, I had something new happen to me thus going to the doctor in about 45 min. I had what one nurse at church called zingers. Little tiny sharp hit you in the left temple headaches, last for about 5 seconds and happen every 25 seconds, found out this is caused by BP but mine was fine this morning. Sooooooooooo needing to take care of me. Mom is going down hill fast I think loose bowels constantly and sleeping all the time I get home and she says are you home?? So need to get myself in order just had my first class in the no smoking, had a walk I guess 1/4 mile. will go on patches tonight, hubby will have to go outside to smoke I have got to do this if I have a stroke, mom is in a nursing home for sure there will be no one to take care of her and who will take care of me? I know my son will but I don't want him to I want him to get on with his life, he just broke up a four year relationship not of his doing and that's been stressful had to take a dining room and make a bed room out of it and rearrange three other rooms now in the process of going thru stuff for a yard sale need some extra bucks. I wish I could get away, so anyway I came home from church yesterday and took an extra BP med and a anxiety med and went to bed at 3 and slept till 8:30 felt so much better went back to bed at 11 after taking all my meds and slept most of the night. So please pray for me I have to really have to quit the smoking between that and the stress it's gonna do me in and I am not afraid to die I just have to clean out one more closet first. Hope you are all well.
What do u do with all the resentment and anger u have with the ones that said they was going to help?
Short story: I've been taking care ofmom fr over 10 years with dementia. Fell back in Jan 09. Started staying with her 24/7 and notice things was worse than thought (with her dementia). Brother and 2 sister in laws helped plus husband but seemed like i was there most of the time. If they had a problem they would call me to help. So decided to move her in with me. And has some one on here told they will all disappear. Which is what happened. The brother would hep some and would take mom over to his house for awhile. But he just couldn't handle her confusion or if she cryed. So after that always some excuse not to help. And his wife cn't handle nothing. The other sister in law (on husband side) said she would be there for me. Well she disappeared.
Mom is in Adult Day Care during the week. So that gives me time. But my husband is a work. So we never have anytime to ourselves. Weekend after weekend, evening after evening and no help. Ever where we go we have to take mom. We used to be more activite people til now.
After all is said and done. And we have survived dementia. What to do with the resentment and anger with the family. That is what is on my mine right now. Expectually the sister in law on husband side, she said she would be there no matter what else others did. Yea right. We use to hang out together go to lunch and that good stuff. Just don't know how i feel about her anymore.
Right now u sure do found out who will be there for u during hard times.
One think for sure my husband has been there for me!!!!
Here is the odd point that I make to my friends. My brother, who does nothing, will never feel the guilt because he doesn't care and doesn't see mom as his responsibility. He sleeps at night just fine. We, on the other hand, have sleepless nights and worry because we do care. Go figure! My husband puts up with a lot and he is so patient. My only silver lining is that my brother's mil is coning to live with him soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now he will know ,first hand, what it is like!
Take care,
Linda
I can understand why sometimes about there feeling of not being able to handle it. Or what ever they are feeling. But u know we have the same feelings. All we are asking for is hours or a day out of there time, not weeks. I too would like to be able to go to the lake and go fishing again. Or go play a game of golf again.
We are in the process of saleling her home. And I left that to my brother. I said i'm taking care of mom u can take care of the house. All of it, cleaning it out, and getting it ready to sale and all the phone calls.
One other thing I've been reading on here. Is some of us looking for help finiancial. Don't know if this has been mention on here. But there is a program thru the VA. It is VA/A Place for Mom. If any of u have a dad that serviced in the service during war time, your mom may be eligible for benefits. And it don't mean that they had to be overseas. Just served during war time. Just check it out. I did and mom qualified. The only thing is they will have to go into a facility. Assited Living or Nursing facility. Right now just waiting on the home to sell, so we will have the extra money to use. Because most of these places are more than there SS. and what the VA will pay.( Max is $1057.00. Va.) So may have to have some more money to make up the difference. but any how i've been checking out all my options.
Thanks for the Prays we can all Use them, and on some days Big Time Prays, Take Care all, Elaine
Just as an aside, I have had physical therapy in and the gal is wonderful. My father is doing better as a result and gaining more strength. Medicare pays for this. We discovered that the therapist had an upper and lower body cycle that you can get at our favorite place we all like to visit (lol).....you guessed it .. Walmart!! Its around $25 and well worth the price. It can be put on a table too and used rotating the arms with the hands. My father could never use the bike in rehab before due to his knee surgeries, but he can do this easily even at 96. So, just thought I would mention it as some of you might be able to use it with your loved one.
We have scheduled caregivers who come in for about 30 hours a week. It is expensive, but I would go nuts without it. After the summer is over, I will lessen the time to save money. Who wants to go out in the snow and sleet anyway? My one helper comes 3 days a week from 9 to 1. This takes care of breakfast, shower, laundry and lunch! Tow others come from 10 to 4. This gives me two entire days off and we even have a Saturday night person all year long. This is for our time together. It isn't cheap, but I need to have my independence. It works out well and mom pays for it. I tell her it is much less expensive than a nursing home. I use an agency for most of the coverage and there is no problem with accounting for the money; it is all recorded by them. Good luck and God Bless
I keep saying this, but it is true. Set boundaries. Can you get someone who will respond to her calls as a fill in for you? If she sees that you are not coming each time she cries wolf, she may think twice. I know it sounds harsh, but limit the times you call and see her. Tell her little about your personal life. My mom lives with me and always asks if our daughter has called( lives half way across the country). Sometimes I tell her, most times I don't. What we talk about is personal and private and I keep my relationship with my daughter to myself. When it is something she needs to hear, I tell her. You would be surprised at how liberating it is to have something that is not hers to be shared with. Also, count to ten, don't get caught up in her hysteria. I know it sounds impossible, but take those baby steps. Keep us posted and take that vacation. I am going away 8 days and I have not even told mom yet.
Linda