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I;ve already done that it is Tuesday or Thursday not messing up my week end, the druggest is on the way to work I drop the bottles off on the way to work pick them on the way home so I worked that one out. I do most things as normal she is the one that wanted to move in with us so not rearranging my life to accomodate hers its not like she participates anyway. As long as she is warm, gets to her doc, gets her meds, eats and has her tv she has evrything she needs I've tried hugging her at night I know people need human contact although I find it repulsive sorry but that's the way it is and she just now stays in her room never says good morning, good night nothing just stupid stuff. like last night I have a huskey and a shephard, they drink lots of water, she says don't you give your dogs water anymore i wanted to say no I'm doing an experiment see if I can mummify them but didn't I said of course, well one of the dogs brought there bowl to her empty I said couldn't you give her water? yeah but it looked like someone dumped it out it was dry?? well the only person there was my son he was outside building shelving for his room so she is going to try to start some kind of little drama with him being there. I said if it's too much trouble for you to give her water in the afternoon I will come home on my lunch and do it they are big dogs they drink lots of water , she does nothing will not do dishes, will not make a meal, ask her to dust she will not do that she does nothing but eats sits watches tv lays in the bed and asks stupid questions to try to get things started won't work,
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Although it has been almost a year since you first posted, I just found this site, because I am just now getting back to normal after taking care of my mom like you did. My time lasted 8 years. I experienced the same things, EXACTLY, that you described. And when it is all going on, there is very little time to take care of yourself too. Here's the kicker--if yu don't find health time for yourself, you may end up like me, with heart disease from stress, and in psychotherapy. I would recommed these 3 things at a minimum to avoid my state of health: 1) walk for 45 minutes a day 2) follow a healthy diet 3)seek psychotherapy now, or at least a women's or grief support group. And keep talking to this site to feel less alone..sending love to you...
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hi chatster yes I was going down that road chest pains high blood pressure now 30 percent blockage so decided I need time for taking care of me or she wins so now Ihave not smoked for sixteen days, take antidepressant and anxiety meds I have dealt with that all my life and thought I was doing a good job NOT so feel much better now and do not let her get to me I am so happy I found this site but if I had to do it all over again i would do what my siblings did nothing. well that being said I just didn't like myself for a moment. so will do the best I can with limitations and she will just have to deal with me like I deal with her. Indifference. I am not a door mat and even doormats have to be shaken every once in awhile to let loose of the crap. Have a good day
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Roxie,

You have posted this many times, and I truly feel you. You must, as I've said before, take time out for YOURSELF. We get someone to come in, a girlfriend, and I pay her to sit with my Mom while me and my husband go out.

YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, TREAT YOURSELF, ETC. When you want to go, call someone, in advance, and go. Pay them and be done.

Please take care of yourself. If not, this will continue on and on and on.
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dede my son comes first and I don't care who likes it period the end. God made you a mother as well as a daughter she had her chance at motherhood now it's your chance, I've always been the kind I can do it better and I will prove it and I usually do Don't know where that came from but you know what I am so glad I am me and not my mother. Hang in there and put your priorities in order it will work out and stay strong what you can't do hand over to God he can do anything!!
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Hello to all, Havent been on-line lately but I too need to vent. My Mother bad behavior happen's every 3 to 4 weeks apart and My husband and are no longer putting up with it. My husband told her what he felt was going on and she has been great just wait until 3 to 4 weeks from now and she will be back to her self. I have learned to just walk away, it upset's me to the point I'm having health problem because of the stress. I understand what ea. and every one of u are going through and I will say my prayer's for all.
With Love CLL007 ( cindy)
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Cindy,
Stick to your guns and make time out for you and your husband. Dinner out, an overnight, what ever you can manage. We are going away this weekend and I can't wait. Good luck
Linda
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I GET IT!! I have seen my mom decline over the past 2 1/2 years now and in recent weeks more and more. She has LEWY BODY DEMENTIA and I had to sell her home last year and move her into out home. Daunting isn't it? I have changed so much and given up even more. The same person? No not any longer, some days I dont even recognize myself. I have taken the opportunity to get her into day care a few times a week thru Easter Seal program and very resonable rates. That gives me "ME TIME", Ican't do it all the time due to the fact that she may be having a really bad day. So it's based upon her when I can acually get out of the house and find myself and breath. I do alot of gardening now, I never knew I had such green thumb! I know that it is hard, I live it too, and non of us are alone. I dont have any family memebers who call on regular basis and when they do all they talk about is how great there lifes are and what they are doing next...really..who cares. Call and talk to your mother or in my uncles case your sister. People are afraid of what they aren't educated in. It's not airbourne, that there fear or they dodn't want to see what may happen to them. HUmans can be selfish....my family is I really have to say...when all this is said and done I will not have a relationship with my brothers or my uncles...I dont need people in my life that have zero compassion and that are selfish...no thanks. Any way hang in there and search out a day care or maybe someone in your own neighborhood knows of someone who can drop by for a day shift and let you enjoy yourself....take care and remember to find some laughter rent a funny movie or watch americas funniest videos I know it's not much but just try
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I'm so glad to find this site where we can vent and learn that other people have the same feelings and problems we have. My 89-year old mother has dementia and I never know what will happen next. I don't let her ruin a whole day. I take it an hour at a time. Good hours are spent with the following:
Loneliness: I join my "friends" as often as I can by watching some talk shows; my favorites are The View and Oprah. I can stay up to date with current events and often learn a lot about many subjects. I sometimes talk right back to them.
Hobbies: I have thousands of photos to scrab book. I find great satisfaction completing a page. I am not very creative or artistic, but I got the general idea from a couple books and magazines. I shopped the sales at craft stores so often, that I have plenty of supplies to work with. I do 8.5 X 11 inch pages so I can make color copies to give to friends or relatives. They love them. My mother and I have collected fabrics for years. Now I can make quilt tops and fabric bags to give to charities or friends. I work when time permits and don't put everything away each time I work. I have some space away from where my mother can mess up my things.
Library: I love to go to the library and look at the new book shelves. Always something I never imagined in a book. I have been bringing home large print books for my mother to read; that helps her a lot. There are many books about caregiving in libraries.
Physical activity: pulling weeds and cutting branches are therapeutic for me. Walking and looking at the the sky and flowers is great. If nobody is around, I can vent outloud!
Cooking: eat your favorite foods: healthy ones and sometimes a treat. My mother loves ice cream; she is so appreciative when I give her a popsicle! What a change.
Family help: Act as if you have an appointment. Tell them you need 2 hours to do something. Be willing to change the appointment to another time they can give help. Good luck on your private mission!
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Sorry folks, I'm going to vent here. I went to stop by the ALF to visit my dad, and the first thing one of the caregivers says to me is, "he hates that bracelet!". "I don't feel it's necessary", "maybe you can remove it in a couple of months". I had my father fitted with a device called "Life Trak", which will enable the police department to track him, in the event he should wander, fall and get hurt on a walk and not get help immediately, (we live in the mountains). I felt this was necessary, as I had to have the local sheriff's dept. track him once, as he accepted a ride from a complete stranger, had lots of cash on him at the time, he was mad at me, and was running away from home if you will. That was traumatic for me, and I vowed never to have to go through that again. Plus, as being an alzheimer's/dementia patient, they can become disoriented and get lost. I'm not a professional caregiver myself, and seem more aware of what to expect than this person sitting behind the desk. She tells me, "he always stays right next to me". She is the one who takes the seniors in the van on field trips. "I don't think the bracelet is necessary, maybe in a couple of months you can have it removed". This pissed me off, I had it put on for a reason, they are not his guardian, I AM! I think they just don't want to have to check the battery daily, and have to log it in on a sheet which the sheriff's dept. rep. comes out every month to check the battery and log sheet. Does anyone else have an opinion on this?
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Yes I sure do, He is your Father and U only did it for his protection and safety. The Caregiver should mind there own business. If the Caregiver still continues her behavior there are alot careing care giver's out there. Good Luck CLL007
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Thank you so much. The person gave me the impression I was just using it as a policing device. I wanted to slap her (sorry), I have very little tolerance lately when it comes to someone messing with my dad's well being, safety, etc.
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I totally agree. I too have no tolerance for stuff re: my Mother. I prolly would have slapped her he he.Then fired her. Hope everything turns out OK
CLL007(Cindy)
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Your father probably does not like a lot of other things - medicine, rules, etc. does that mean that you should get rid of those too? Our parents are like our children at this point. A five year old does not know what is best for him. The caregiver can tell you that he does not like it but telling you to remove it is out of line. I find that "some" people in this caregiving field are a little self righteous and all knowing. You might want to tell her that he may not like it but you know what he needs. Period. You do not need to justify anything to her.

Hang in there!
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My problem tonight - I went out to dinner and left Mom home with a caregiver - a new one and very nice. She refused to eat and when a friend called her she told her to get a hold of one of her granddaughters for her because I had left her with a neighbor. Before I know what is happening one of my daughters was contacted by another friend. My daughter called home and tried to calm Mom down. I think that my mother's dementia is getting worse but she is becoming very aggressive and obsessed with me. I had my husband sit with me so that the tongue lashing wouldn't be as bad. She even called me the devil on two legs. She said that I lied to her, I want her dead and out of the way so that I do not have to worry about her. She didn't eat dinner and was refusing to take her pills. The doctor gave her halodol to try but that didn't agree with her system and also made her balance and walking worse. She is directing all of her frustration at me. I know I am supposed to wear an armor shield but there is enough cognition and intelligence in her to make her remarks hit below the belt.

I had to force feed her some yogurt so that she would take her night meds. I've never done that before. She cried and screamed out and told my husband to help her. She told me I didn't love her and mistreated her after all she and my Dad had sacrificed for me. I calmly told her I loved her and she could live with me and I would help her any way I could but I was not her slave and I wanted to be able to go out to dinner with my husband. She made an obscene gesture with her hand and said that's what she thought of me loving her.

If she were in a nursing home they would sedate , restrain or abuse her with this attitude. I am getting all the help I can at home but I am so afraid she will wear out the caregivers if she transfers this behavior. Does anyone have any experience with any "calming" meds. Mom has Parkinsonian symptoms and I heard seroquel is effective sometimes.

Going out for a couple of hours is not worth this ordeal. Advise please.
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Hi Ladies - I want to add another point of view.
Nauseated - sorry to hear you feel frustrated. Perhaps now that your dad is *in a facility* you can gradually begin to unwind and relax a bit and move into the next stage of caregiving in which communication with professional staff is very important. The comment the caregiver made was probably well-meaning and made from her perspective. She has no idea of your recent stress, but can tell you what she sees - I suspect she shared that with you as good news.

Nobody is challenging your beliefs; but consider that you will be relying on these people to be open and honest with you - as they care for your dad. I hope that you can put the remark behind you and keep a good relationship with the staff at that facility. Its all too easy to fall into the trap of conflict with caregiving staff, which is why I am commenting. Once there is a barrier to communication, everything is harder and the whole point is to provide care for your dad while you get a bit of your own life back.

If anyone in the facility makes you 'upset' - count to 100 (or more!) and then go discuss your issue with the DON or administrator. They may be able to help mediate and be your ally in the event that there is a problem.

take care & be well.
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I don't need to discuss this with a DON or administrator, as I am the guardian. This is my right, and responsibility as his guardian, to make sure he is safe and protected. They have only had him there for a few short weeks, and to make that kind of assesment is assinine. The caregiver made the remark when the sheriff coordinator was there, that they never had to check the batteries daily, or fill out a log sheet. This has all changed for a reason, and the coordinator told her this in front of me. A dead battery is no good for a missing person with alzheimer's/dementia. This has to be checked and logged daily, which means extra work for them. Let's put the politically incorrect BS aside, and look at what's in your face.
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I meant to say "Politically Correct".
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There are calming meds that aren't so sedative that they make people zombies (when used correctly). You are being abused and can't continue this long-term. Please talk to her doctor and see what can be done. (An aside - she may not be this controlling with someone who isn't her daughter).

Her whole scene seems to be centered around controlling you. Would it have been horrible to skip the meds and just go? Some meds you can't, so I'm not suggesting this without a doctor's approval, but sometimes it's best just to say, "Okay. I love you and want the best for you, but if you won't cooperate, you'll just have to skip it. See you when we get back."

Only you and her doctor can decide if this approach is safe. But, many times the battle is what she wants and it isn't worth it for you. It seems there are two issues here to chat with the doctor about - one, a new medication and two, can she skip a dose or take it later if a power struff ensures?

Take care of yourself,
Carol
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Carol,

I really hadn't thought about skipping the night time meds. That would have made it so much easier. She hadn't had a bite to eat while the caregiver was here and yu are right going to bed like that wouldn't have been the end of the world. She kept us up all night calling me over and over again.

As much as I hate to admit that it's verbal abuse - it is. All of her arguments were centered around what a bad daughter I am.

Thanks Carol.
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You are welcome. It's so hard to be cool and rational when someone is manipulating you. If it's not going to kill her, just say, "fine." And go about your business. She knows what she is doing.

Hang it. We know it's hard.
Carol
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Roxie, crying is the best way for me to release my stress, CRY by all means cry as much as you need to. You are at a good place when venting here because you are correct when you say no matter how alone you feel - there are others out there doing the same or sometimes they may have more to shoulder. Knowing God will not give me anything I can't handle doesn't mean I don't need to breakdown on occasion. Know this we all understand and support you.
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Please contact your local "Council on Aging". They may be named something else, but every state helps town to develop their own department. I can't tell you how helpful they were to me. They helped me fill out lots of paperwork to get the most coverage from Medicare and then Medicaid. I even sent the Selectmen of that town to let them know how much I appreciated the help I receive. It allowed me to place my mother in the best environment. The nurses where she is now are always telling me how much they love her and how she is always helping other patients in small ways with hugs and kisses.

My mother didn't come to this place easily. She had been wandering downtown at 2AM and 3AM with the fire department returning her home. Unfortunately, she sometimes would take a short-cut on her way home and she would fall and lay there until someone heard her calls for help. This, more than anything, made us see that we needed to take action on her welfare.

There were many little and big things that urged us on. Don't ever feel alone...there is help out there. My mother continues to be happy and recognizes us and other family and friends who visit her.

/njb
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I Love to hear stories with happy ending and yours was great. You are very lucky to have found a place where your Mother is being treated with kindness. I was a Nurse( CNA) for 10 yrs. and decided to move on because of the way the Resident's were being treated. I had so much compassion for my Resident's I even took there clothes home to wash when there families were away. I'm very happy for u and your family.
CLL007
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you aren't a bad daughter and you know it or you wouldn't be concerned about the welfare of her. She is manipulating you mine tries everyday and I just nip it in the bud fine thats what you want do it but do and well you know the old saying poop or get off the pot, thats me thru and thru I don't play games I don't think she will ever get it thru her head yesterday she was taking the remote control to her room she has one for her tv and I walked into the house she goes Oh I never saw a dog like yours it was going to chew this up so I was going to put it in my room for safe keeping READ MY LIPS "HOW DUMB DO I LOOK" my dog chews bones nothing else just bones this is not a bone I will take it thank you very much and now willhave to train my hubby to put it up really really high. speaking of bones do you know how much those things cost? Well if I don't hide them she feeds them to the dogs all day long. I am going to suggest she buy them some I have to hide everything which makes life a little harder because it take s more time to get stuff done and I have now gone back to teaching sunday school and my time is very very limited. I have told her repeatedly the dogs only get a treat at night I try to train the dogs so they know exactly what is expected of them and when they get their rewards. Not just willy nilly and all that stuff is not good for them anyway. Its always something.
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Wow Roxie, so glad to find others like me....i am a nurse and of course who gets elected to take care of mom 24/7. I have quit and lost it so many times i cant tell you.....one nite my mom was so bad we had a yelling match at midnite because she was yelling at me to vacuum....i told her i quit....i would put her in the nursing home and i had to walk away and take a time out.....the next day she made me cry when she told me in a lucid moment how she saw how hard things were for me and she actually asked me what she could do to make things easier for ME.....I have only been doing this for a couple of months. Hospice already. They dont do very much. Drop off drugs give a bath a few times a week and cya. I guess I am going to have to get help now to come in and take over for a bit to get a break. I am trying to appreciate the moments that are good because I dont know how many I will have, but sometimes the sound of her voice is like fingernails on the chalk board lol..i know i am going to hell...these are the best and the worst days. I am so happy to have found this board.
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ddarkangel

It's ok to lose it -just go on from there. You are under a lot of emotional stress watching your mother deteriorate. I get feelings of hate and then love and then guilt. It's a roller coaster. Get as much help as you can for the house. Even if it's someone to sit and watch tv with her while you are "off duty". Any money you invest in this will be toward your mental and physical health.

You are not going to hell because you didn't take the easy route. When you start losing it too often it's time to get more help in the house. You are a great daughter and sometimes you are human first. I put my armor shield on but there are days when it does not protect me.

Take care of yourself,
Carmen
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Carmen is right get some help. Your a Great daughter for taking care of her. Always remember that. I lose it but I just walk away until the point of her verbal abuse towards me and my Husband who is also disabled. Take care of yourself.
CLL007
Cindy
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carmen how do you put on that shield? do you have an extra? I think i hide behind chores like dishes and laundry so i have things "to do". always finding things "to do" keeps me from having to deal with her constant running me around...she is going to be very dissappointed when a real nurse comes in here....who wont run out and get her stuff on a moments notice.......lol...thanks for caring....
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I'm glad you're getting some help, dd. You mention of the lucid moment when your mom wanted to do something for YOU, brings back memories. I saw that with both of my parents - a moment out of the blue when they would be lucid and caring - it would drill right through me. And then it was back to dementia land.

Hang in. You're a caring daughter doing everything you can. Get the help you need to stay sane.

Carol
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