I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
You have posted this many times, and I truly feel you. You must, as I've said before, take time out for YOURSELF. We get someone to come in, a girlfriend, and I pay her to sit with my Mom while me and my husband go out.
YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, TREAT YOURSELF, ETC. When you want to go, call someone, in advance, and go. Pay them and be done.
Please take care of yourself. If not, this will continue on and on and on.
With Love CLL007 ( cindy)
Stick to your guns and make time out for you and your husband. Dinner out, an overnight, what ever you can manage. We are going away this weekend and I can't wait. Good luck
Linda
Loneliness: I join my "friends" as often as I can by watching some talk shows; my favorites are The View and Oprah. I can stay up to date with current events and often learn a lot about many subjects. I sometimes talk right back to them.
Hobbies: I have thousands of photos to scrab book. I find great satisfaction completing a page. I am not very creative or artistic, but I got the general idea from a couple books and magazines. I shopped the sales at craft stores so often, that I have plenty of supplies to work with. I do 8.5 X 11 inch pages so I can make color copies to give to friends or relatives. They love them. My mother and I have collected fabrics for years. Now I can make quilt tops and fabric bags to give to charities or friends. I work when time permits and don't put everything away each time I work. I have some space away from where my mother can mess up my things.
Library: I love to go to the library and look at the new book shelves. Always something I never imagined in a book. I have been bringing home large print books for my mother to read; that helps her a lot. There are many books about caregiving in libraries.
Physical activity: pulling weeds and cutting branches are therapeutic for me. Walking and looking at the the sky and flowers is great. If nobody is around, I can vent outloud!
Cooking: eat your favorite foods: healthy ones and sometimes a treat. My mother loves ice cream; she is so appreciative when I give her a popsicle! What a change.
Family help: Act as if you have an appointment. Tell them you need 2 hours to do something. Be willing to change the appointment to another time they can give help. Good luck on your private mission!
CLL007(Cindy)
Hang in there!
I had to force feed her some yogurt so that she would take her night meds. I've never done that before. She cried and screamed out and told my husband to help her. She told me I didn't love her and mistreated her after all she and my Dad had sacrificed for me. I calmly told her I loved her and she could live with me and I would help her any way I could but I was not her slave and I wanted to be able to go out to dinner with my husband. She made an obscene gesture with her hand and said that's what she thought of me loving her.
If she were in a nursing home they would sedate , restrain or abuse her with this attitude. I am getting all the help I can at home but I am so afraid she will wear out the caregivers if she transfers this behavior. Does anyone have any experience with any "calming" meds. Mom has Parkinsonian symptoms and I heard seroquel is effective sometimes.
Going out for a couple of hours is not worth this ordeal. Advise please.
Nauseated - sorry to hear you feel frustrated. Perhaps now that your dad is *in a facility* you can gradually begin to unwind and relax a bit and move into the next stage of caregiving in which communication with professional staff is very important. The comment the caregiver made was probably well-meaning and made from her perspective. She has no idea of your recent stress, but can tell you what she sees - I suspect she shared that with you as good news.
Nobody is challenging your beliefs; but consider that you will be relying on these people to be open and honest with you - as they care for your dad. I hope that you can put the remark behind you and keep a good relationship with the staff at that facility. Its all too easy to fall into the trap of conflict with caregiving staff, which is why I am commenting. Once there is a barrier to communication, everything is harder and the whole point is to provide care for your dad while you get a bit of your own life back.
If anyone in the facility makes you 'upset' - count to 100 (or more!) and then go discuss your issue with the DON or administrator. They may be able to help mediate and be your ally in the event that there is a problem.
take care & be well.
Her whole scene seems to be centered around controlling you. Would it have been horrible to skip the meds and just go? Some meds you can't, so I'm not suggesting this without a doctor's approval, but sometimes it's best just to say, "Okay. I love you and want the best for you, but if you won't cooperate, you'll just have to skip it. See you when we get back."
Only you and her doctor can decide if this approach is safe. But, many times the battle is what she wants and it isn't worth it for you. It seems there are two issues here to chat with the doctor about - one, a new medication and two, can she skip a dose or take it later if a power struff ensures?
Take care of yourself,
Carol
I really hadn't thought about skipping the night time meds. That would have made it so much easier. She hadn't had a bite to eat while the caregiver was here and yu are right going to bed like that wouldn't have been the end of the world. She kept us up all night calling me over and over again.
As much as I hate to admit that it's verbal abuse - it is. All of her arguments were centered around what a bad daughter I am.
Thanks Carol.
Hang it. We know it's hard.
Carol
My mother didn't come to this place easily. She had been wandering downtown at 2AM and 3AM with the fire department returning her home. Unfortunately, she sometimes would take a short-cut on her way home and she would fall and lay there until someone heard her calls for help. This, more than anything, made us see that we needed to take action on her welfare.
There were many little and big things that urged us on. Don't ever feel alone...there is help out there. My mother continues to be happy and recognizes us and other family and friends who visit her.
/njb
CLL007
It's ok to lose it -just go on from there. You are under a lot of emotional stress watching your mother deteriorate. I get feelings of hate and then love and then guilt. It's a roller coaster. Get as much help as you can for the house. Even if it's someone to sit and watch tv with her while you are "off duty". Any money you invest in this will be toward your mental and physical health.
You are not going to hell because you didn't take the easy route. When you start losing it too often it's time to get more help in the house. You are a great daughter and sometimes you are human first. I put my armor shield on but there are days when it does not protect me.
Take care of yourself,
Carmen
CLL007
Cindy
Hang in. You're a caring daughter doing everything you can. Get the help you need to stay sane.
Carol