I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
Carol
Glad you are taking it slow & doing some gardening. I've always found gardening to be very comforting too. Its a nice way to slowly shift back to normal mode gradually a day at a time. I hope you have a good time at the wedding and let everyone pamper you a little bit. You deserve alot of hugs & pampering - - caregiving takes up so much of our life that it will be a bit strange deciding where to re-direct all that energy that went into caregiving. I'm willing to bet that you will become a forceful advocate for the rest of us!
I haven't seen any posts from Cindy in a while - hopefully she is ok. Let me know if you talk to her.
Everything is pretty much the same here - my mom is still doing well and is looking forward to the fireworks tomorrow. She really loves the holiday& gets a kick out of the little kids sooooo excited at the fireworks. So no matter what happens with this economy & such tonight I feel like this is as good as it gets and am grateful for everything - that includes knowing you, Austin my friend. I'm sending a cyber hug & wish you a good week. Looking forward to hearing how things go with the wedding & all.
Had no internet for a few days. Glad to hear that you are getting help from your neighbors and have the fighting spirit. I know that you will be out there being a champion for our cause. Nursing homes do have to be revamped and yes, the system is not working. Good luck and we are all behind you!!!!!
Linda
Cindy
Happy 4 th !!!
Carol
With Love Cindy
Good luck. Ours cost 3,400 for just 2 weeks. You are lucky. Enjoy your vacation.
Linda
About 5 minutes later a man tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to come with him - -well, long story short - my mom got the royal treatement & her picture taken at the special handicapped station. The DMV employee who had rescued us told me that try as he might, the DMV employees forget that handicapped people - including seniors- aren't supposed to wait in line - there is special window for them. My mom was smiling ear to ear. On the way home she was really jazzed & reminding me of past visits with the DMV.
I'm venting, but not really - just amazed that people don't see us, but sometimes even caregivers get a break.
You are going through a really rough patch - I am sorry and will pray for you. Are you sure your mother is not able for medicaid? disability? If her income/assets are below a certain amount would she not qualify? If she does then maybe you can get homecare. Once you get the ball rolling in any of these I have found that you would have access to other services. I don't know I am just guessing. Is there a senior agency where you could get advice?
As far as her debt goes maybe you could get some legal advice as far as her options there.
Good luck,
Carmen
We have discussed, as a family, the many alternatives to their care (they are still living by themselves in their home of 57 years). They are totally against leaving their home, which we know is normal. We have been thinking about renting out our family home and moving in with them.
However, after reading about you and your mother, I am scared to death about this commitment. We have 6 grandchildren who love to come over all the time and stay with us on the weekends (at times). Just how much will we be giving up? also we both work full time and have to in order to pay bills. Is there an answer to all of this?
As for you, I will tell you something that I do about 2x a month that I have never done before. I ao to the movies by myself. No one can interrupt me because you have to turn cell phones off.
Of course, I let everyone know where I will be. It has given me a little bit of my freedom back and I can have some joy just for me.
I really think a person (especially a caregiver) needs this time.
Just last month mom did not know who I was. Still today she has her moments.
Carol
Sorry I'm so whiney and negative but I really needed to get this off my chest. Not that it changes anything.... Thanks for listening.
You sound just like me. We have a similar situation, but I do have more help.. I made sure that when we sold mom's home that all the money went into a trust for me to use to care for her. If not, I would go absolutely nuts!! Can you get more help? If her finances won't warrant that, can you get free help from the hospital and social senior services?
I have a nurse coming this week as part of the team that evaluates her need. If she physically is in need, than we go on to evaluate her financial need. It is a start. Also, was your dad ( or mom) a veteran? You can get services too. If she has had a change in her physical condition, a fall that the DR. is aware of, you can get for a time period Visiting Nurse, occupational therapy and physical therapy at no coast to her.
Call the hospital and have a geriatric assessment( no cost to you) If she is in need of services, you will be surprised at what they can offer. In January the funding starts all over again, so get in there now and get on the list. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO GIVE UP YOUR LIFE!!!!! Good luck. Let us know how you make out.
You aren't whining txmaggie. I'm so glad you can vent. You've gone above and beyond what most people would do, considering your relationship with your mother. It's no wonder you feel trapped.
Have you thought of seeing a doctor for depression? It sounds to me like you maybe have clinical depression, brought on by your situation. You may need some medical help yourself, and while doing that, you may find a way to get more relief from your mother so you can have a life, too. This isn't a good situation for you.
Adult day care would be great, if you could get her to go, but being out in the country makes that harder. It's good that you have some seniors coming in, but you need more than that.
I hope you will get a checkup yourself. That could lead to more care all around.
Carol
Just wanted to let you know that I sent my mom to respite at an ALF last month for 4 days as we had an out of town family wedding. She survived but let me know that she would not go back. She had a ton of reasons......too long of a walk to dining room, too depressing (too many old people) and food was ok (she hates my food). I called her everyday and she kept asking when I was coming to get her. Told her the same answer all the time. I had a great time and didn't even miss her. That is so terrible of me isn't it??? For a few days after she returned home it was ok, then back to the same old routine. I told her that we have another wedding next June out of town. She said if she is still here that she will stay home and someone can just come and check on her. She thinks she can take care of herself but she really needs someone to more than check on her. I hope she isn't around next June. There I go sounding terrible again. I guess I just want my life back again. It seems that will NEVER happen.
Thanks for letting me vent.....
oneandonly
Carol, as usual you are wonderful. Actually Mom's nurse suggested I go to the doctor for some help for me, which I did. He said I was suffering from caregiver burnout and ordered a provider for mom 5 days/6 hrs per day. However she can only get that through medicaid here, and she doesn't qualify for medicaid because of her savings (and there is a 5 year look back, ouch). I asked about an antidepressant and he didn't think it was "indicated at this time". I should probably go back and tell him the provider didn't work and try again.
Oneandonly, you are not terrible for not missing her and hoping she won't be around next June. I totally understand what you are saying, as I feel the same way. Mom fought me on the respite care thing, too, and also said she didn't want to go back, but sorry, no choice for her there. A minister told me that it is VITAL (her words) that my husband and I take time for ourselves and that we should do the respite thing more often. Interestingly, she said that in caregivers they see a very high rate of fractured families, and surprisingly, the caregivers dying before the one being cared for. I don't want to be in either statistic group, and I bet you don't either.
I am so thankful we are here for each other. Nobody else can truly understand how we feel. Thanks to all of you for listening.
The five year look back for Medicaid is very real, but that doesn't mean no money can be spent for your mother's care, txmaggie. Keep good records of the money so that it's obvious where it's going. If you need to spend very much, it's best to get an attorney's advice on how to document it. But it's for her care, so there’s no reason not to use it.
Thirty percent (I've read higher rates than that) of the caregivers die before the people they are caring for. Many marriages (I don't know statistics, but it's a no-brainer) are fractured by the strain. There is no doubt that you need time for your own lives and if the elder has saving or money that can make that possible by paying for some care, that's what it's there for. Just do it so that you won't have any legal problems down the road (with Medicaid).
Vital is the right word. Also, txmaggie. please do try the doctor again, or see another one for a second opinion. This doctor may not know the stress of caregiving. Some are clueless. I'm not saying you absolutely do need medication, but the symptoms you describe sound like depression, and if you aren't getting help, a second opinion may not hurt.
You are all wonderful in supporting each other. It's so great to see this happen.
Carol