I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
Listen to Austin. She has had lots of experience. We all have had some on one level or another. Get the paperwork rolling and leave nothing to later! Austin is correct when she said that the socila worker needs to do her job. You can supply lots of information, but they need to do the work. Good luck and God Bless.
and talk to a psychologist who will determine what is best to re-float the ship. After 19 years I became stuck, and this is what helped me. Continue to do your best! Jerome
Question: How do you finally put your foot down without getting angry? I am at my boiling point.
Also, no complaining that I have people take care of her so that I can have a life. She does that and out she goes. I sound so cruel, but if you don't, they suck the life out of you. We just had an argument: "You said that when I came to live here you would take me shopping and that we would go out every week!! " My response : "if you don't like it here, leave! You didn't have arthritis, Parkinson's or incontinence when you came here. I am only one person. Maybe your son will take you out!! Oh, that's right, he doesn't even come to see you! " Case Closed!!!!!!!
I love my mom, but I will not let her treat me with disrespect or like a doormat! She has a beautiful home to live in, surrounded by her own things,great people to help me take care of her and a son-in-law who agreed to let her come and stay with us.
So, you need to decide what will make YOU HAPPY. Because if your not happy, you can't continue to be a caregiver and protect your own health! Good Luck.
Linda
I was sick this weekend so was not able to visit her. I did manage to take her laundry to her and pick up some groceries, but she was not home. Sunday, I was down out and she called me several times to tell me she was hungry and bored and why wouldn't I come and see her. Now, she lives in a retirement community, she had the choice of going to the clubhouse to eat and then watch a movie or play cards, but she chose to sit in her apt., so she could call me and find out why I wasn't there. When my husband went out to get take out for us..she cried that he didn't bring some to her (he can't stand being around her).
Today, I'm at work (I'm a teacher) and she called me on my lunch hour (30 minutes) to tell me that she has found a lump on her rectum, knows that she is dying of rectal cancer and I need to leave work and come right away. Keep in mind, that no matter what is wrong, real or imagined, she tells me she is dying of cancer.
I told her that we have a doctor appt. next week and it can wait until then. She then begins screaming and yelling about how I don't love her, what a terrible daughter I am, why I always seem to put my kids and family before her when SHE should be my TOP priority.... I wound up hanging up on her and going back to work...
This is pretty much constant. She thinks I should be her top priority and resents any time that I spend away from her. I have been spending more and more time away from her, cuz no matter what I do it is not enough and we always end up fighting, but hten I have to deal with the phone calls about how I could do this to her. My kids and husband can't stand being around her bucause she is so negative, cries all the time and will only talk about what we have all done wrong, or what we are doing wrong. I am 51 years old and have yet to enjoy my live and my kids, who are 13 and 17, since she intrudes on every aspect of our lives..
Sorry, about this, but I really needed to vent today. I feel so lost at times.. and then have these crazy thoughts, like when she says "I'm dying of cancer" and my first thought is "how soon?".. Sorry, can't help myself today.
Dede
i use to place pictures of mom around in her younger days to remember her. pretty, vibrant, always doing for others. the other day i came across a picture of her from after my dad's stroke; a church directory picture showing a still lovely little old lady becoming frail. i cried. now she is 90, totally helpless and bedridden for the past 4 almost 5 years. she has one visitor for an hour on sunday, it upsets people to see her as she is. how sad for them.
this is hard and unless you have done it you have no comprehension.
You are so right. My brother never comes to see mom unless it is a holiday and he gets a free meal. Her own son wants no part of her care. Mom does not understand money and has no idea what it costs to care for her. Thanks God we have a trust, but that too will be gone someday. The burden is lest to me and my husband. If I had to do it all over again, I would have had an agency all along and no private care that wanted cash. You can't account for that. Now I have to wait 2more years for the 5 year look back to kick in. Still dear brother wants no part of her. How sad. She has been with us for 3 1/2 years and it feels like 20! What I hate is being treated like a servant who does her bidding. She needs an attitude adjustment. She treats the hired help better than she treats her own daughter! I know she is frustrated and angry for what she has lost and can't do anymore, but it is not my fault. We are selling our house to move to a 55 and over so that we won't end up in the position she is in. I am a quick learner!!!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, ladies. You write what I cannot sometimes. Never be ashamed of that. You tell my story, too. I feel strengthened by your presence. Thank you. Take care.
I often just look at him and think "what DOES he think about?" I'll never quite get it.....
You are sooooo funny. I would give anything to have been the fly on the wall at your mom's. My mom said she wanted to give some of her things to my brother. Stopped that one dead in its tracks!! She just doesn't get it . At least you can laugh at your situation. Keep us in laughter! Thanks.
Linda