I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
My mom doesn't live with us, she would probably be the end of my sanity and my marriage if she did. None of my siblings could do it. I can only imagine what you feel. My mother is verbally abusive and the toll is tremendous. We clean her house and do her laundry and errands. She gets out now and then with us, but we pay a tremendous price emotionally. Nothing we do will ever be enough.
Does your family know that they are hurting you by leaving you out? Have yvou flat out asked them to include you and to help you? If they did, can you be available? Are the demands of caring for your mother part of that problem? People cope in their own various ways. Listen to your heart, but listen to them also. I can't urge you to continue caring for your mother yourself or not to continue. Only you know what you feel or what is right in your mind and the situation. But please understand that there is a limit to what people can endure and when your limit or your family's limit has been reached, don't feel guilty! Get help, whatever it takes to take care of yourself and your family.
Blondie
Abusive calls - yeah I've had those too. Do the best you can to ignore them and don't react, because that fuels the issue. Since you've coped with an alcoholic ex, you may know the Al-Anon steps. They would help here, too. Detach. Remove yourself from abusive situations. Don't accept blame that is not yours to take.
It's always hard. After an adustment period, as Austin said, things will get better, but caregivers need to learn not to be the "victim." I think those of us who are natural caregivers - or at least accept the main load - tend to be the kind that give too much and don't know it until we are swamped and/or abused.
Keep coming back here to get support. These people are great.
Carol
I have been reading all of your conversations. Boy can I relate. I am 38 years old and have a 60 yr old mother who had an aeortic tear a 1 1/2 ago (2007). From this she had had stints put in, has severe COPD and wears oxygen all the time. Coupled with that she had a degenerative bone disease. She had recently moved in with me a week ago. My boyfriend is very helpful, yet it can be stressful. I exercise alot which helps, and shop for short periods of time. My mom is on 25 different meds. You are all so right it is hard to see strong parents decline. I am the oldest and the responsibility has fallen on me. I continue to take it one day at a time! I am so happy I found this sight, as I have not really found a group near my home for this type of issue.
Welcome to this site-you will meet the most caring people here- we all learn from each other and cry with each other and also laugh together.
Carol
Besides helping my mother take care of Dad, I have a 75 year old husband with dementia. He has 9 (Catholic, lol) children from his first marriage of 53 years and only one daughter my age is happy for us and communicate. No one believes their father is sick and believe I am blowing smoke. We have been married 3 years and was diagnosed with dementia shortly after our marriage. He is a very intelligent man and very stubborn. The biggest problems come from no common sense or ability to think anything through. Short term memory is mostly gone. He's at the point of most times needing help with many everyday things. It's like having a terrible two kid that isn't going to ever listen to a reason. He's of the generation that the woman takes care of every whim of the man, so he fights the docs and I on trying to do some things like dishes and folding clothes. I really miss having conversations. It's very frustrating reminding and repeating. Having to be near him 24/7 is miserable. I've always been low on patience when it comes to being interupted when I'm trying to do a job, so I'm a terrible caregiver. Putting Dad and my husband together is craps game. Sometimes, they get along, sometimes it's like a couple of little kids scrapping. I had a doc appt for myself today and my doc yelled at me. He says I'm running on empty and am going to end up suicidle or getting very sick. LOL, but the first thing my husband said when I got home was "It won't kill you to take out the dog". Six siblings who don't help Mom much and think I'm nuts when I ask for someone to help me for a bit. So...... finding this site and hearing others have same problems helps. Thanks to all the kind people who are pouring out their problems for the rest of us to read. My prayers are for all of us who feel alone and overwhelmed. diane
Beth, the nursing home is not doing their job, and you may have to contact the ombudsman ( www.ltcombudsman.org ) if you can't get anywhere with the home. Please make yourself be more assertive for your parents' sakes. You don't have to be nasty, just say that these things aren't acceptable. You need to get your dad to a doctor for a diagnosis, and the lack of care for your mother's diabetes is totally wrong. If the floor nurse won't help, talk to the administrator. If that person won't help, go to the ombudsman site and find you state and contact them. They are independent of the nursing home and are there to help you.
Please, Beth and Lost - keep in touch to hear other's stories. We'll give you as much direction as possible, as well. There's a world of experience on this site.
Carol
My husband has only been in rehab in nursing homes but I have found if you approach the head nurse of the unit and calmly explain what you need for the care of your loved ones and plan ameeting ahead of time it helps. Also the dietician should be very involved. Where we live in the northeast there are many nursing homes to choose from so I would be able to change to another one easiely but I know most people do not have that option. Also the good ones usually have family meetings every few months where all families are encouraged to attend to discuse common problems and as Carol said the ombudsman is a good idea they do not work for the nursing home and are a good pt. advocate most nursing homes have notes posted on how to get in touch and I did get medicare involved when my husband was in a hospital- and they did help.
Today is my mothers birthday. Nothing, nada, zip from anyone. I am tired of having to do everything - and very anguished that body cares. I am only writing this because it is a choice between venting on this board or making an unfortunate series of phone calls I will regret later.
I am not looking for any suzysunshine advice - just a rant and a place to cry over the sad truth about human nature.
Carol
I am keeping her busy & she is having a great time. I played the dvd of a Rain concert (beatles tribute band) & did a singalong. She loved the prezzies from me & the dog - - taking her out again tonight. I am making this whole week her week.
even if I do have to squeeze in work.
This is Barbees checking in. Cat I can relate to what you're going through. We had our Thanksgiving dinner on the 16 at my sisters. Not a single person paid any attention to mom and there were about 23 of us.
Carol
Keep posting and reading. We want to know how you are doing.
Carol
How do I handle this without losing my temper and my mind.
Thanks so much, Mari
Barbees
You hang in there too, keep me updated on your problem. Take care.Mari