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Thanks for all the comments. I don't know why but this has been on my mine for weeks, about the anger and resentment. I guess i'm trying to deal with it now instead of later.
I can understand why sometimes about there feeling of not being able to handle it. Or what ever they are feeling. But u know we have the same feelings. All we are asking for is hours or a day out of there time, not weeks. I too would like to be able to go to the lake and go fishing again. Or go play a game of golf again.
We are in the process of saleling her home. And I left that to my brother. I said i'm taking care of mom u can take care of the house. All of it, cleaning it out, and getting it ready to sale and all the phone calls.

One other thing I've been reading on here. Is some of us looking for help finiancial. Don't know if this has been mention on here. But there is a program thru the VA. It is VA/A Place for Mom. If any of u have a dad that serviced in the service during war time, your mom may be eligible for benefits. And it don't mean that they had to be overseas. Just served during war time. Just check it out. I did and mom qualified. The only thing is they will have to go into a facility. Assited Living or Nursing facility. Right now just waiting on the home to sell, so we will have the extra money to use. Because most of these places are more than there SS. and what the VA will pay.( Max is $1057.00. Va.) So may have to have some more money to make up the difference. but any how i've been checking out all my options.

Thanks for the Prays we can all Use them, and on some days Big Time Prays, Take Care all, Elaine
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Elaine and Michele,
Here is the odd point that I make to my friends. My brother, who does nothing, will never feel the guilt because he doesn't care and doesn't see mom as his responsibility. He sleeps at night just fine. We, on the other hand, have sleepless nights and worry because we do care. Go figure! My husband puts up with a lot and he is so patient. My only silver lining is that my brother's mil is coning to live with him soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now he will know ,first hand, what it is like!
Take care,
Linda
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Hi Elaine62, I can relate to you and I feel bad for all you go through. It is very hard, I know I do the same. I can tell you that all these people on this site are in the same boat and we do what we do because we care. I guess the siblings that don't help really are selfish people and you really can't change that. I know that I won't have to live with the guilt of never helping and caring like they will. I am so grateful too for my husband and kids don't know what I'd do without them, they help so much. I will keep you in my prayers and just remember we are always here for you no matter what!!! Take care now, Micheleangel
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There is alot of different thinks i've read that hit home for me. But right now this is the one bothering me right now.
What do u do with all the resentment and anger u have with the ones that said they was going to help?
Short story: I've been taking care ofmom fr over 10 years with dementia. Fell back in Jan 09. Started staying with her 24/7 and notice things was worse than thought (with her dementia). Brother and 2 sister in laws helped plus husband but seemed like i was there most of the time. If they had a problem they would call me to help. So decided to move her in with me. And has some one on here told they will all disappear. Which is what happened. The brother would hep some and would take mom over to his house for awhile. But he just couldn't handle her confusion or if she cryed. So after that always some excuse not to help. And his wife cn't handle nothing. The other sister in law (on husband side) said she would be there for me. Well she disappeared.
Mom is in Adult Day Care during the week. So that gives me time. But my husband is a work. So we never have anytime to ourselves. Weekend after weekend, evening after evening and no help. Ever where we go we have to take mom. We used to be more activite people til now.
After all is said and done. And we have survived dementia. What to do with the resentment and anger with the family. That is what is on my mine right now. Expectually the sister in law on husband side, she said she would be there no matter what else others did. Yea right. We use to hang out together go to lunch and that good stuff. Just don't know how i feel about her anymore.
Right now u sure do found out who will be there for u during hard times.
One think for sure my husband has been there for me!!!!
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Hey Neon, Yep you better clean that closet out, heaven forbid anyone see what it looks like I'm right there with you!!!You make me laugh, I love it. I never heard of those zingers but good thing you found out what it is and keep an eye on the blood pressure. I'm sure your blood pressure will get better once you quit and you will do it I did. It's hard but really worth it.Take care now, Micheleangel
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Hi 1215 I am originally from MD too please please eat a dozen steamed crabs for me oh how I would love some.

It was a very stressful weekend to say the least, I had something new happen to me thus going to the doctor in about 45 min. I had what one nurse at church called zingers. Little tiny sharp hit you in the left temple headaches, last for about 5 seconds and happen every 25 seconds, found out this is caused by BP but mine was fine this morning. Sooooooooooo needing to take care of me. Mom is going down hill fast I think loose bowels constantly and sleeping all the time I get home and she says are you home?? So need to get myself in order just had my first class in the no smoking, had a walk I guess 1/4 mile. will go on patches tonight, hubby will have to go outside to smoke I have got to do this if I have a stroke, mom is in a nursing home for sure there will be no one to take care of her and who will take care of me? I know my son will but I don't want him to I want him to get on with his life, he just broke up a four year relationship not of his doing and that's been stressful had to take a dining room and make a bed room out of it and rearrange three other rooms now in the process of going thru stuff for a yard sale need some extra bucks. I wish I could get away, so anyway I came home from church yesterday and took an extra BP med and a anxiety med and went to bed at 3 and slept till 8:30 felt so much better went back to bed at 11 after taking all my meds and slept most of the night. So please pray for me I have to really have to quit the smoking between that and the stress it's gonna do me in and I am not afraid to die I just have to clean out one more closet first. Hope you are all well.
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Glad you are getting away; have a great time. My brother and nephew are coming next Tues for about three days but I will be entertaining them as they would not think to stay with dad so my husband and I could get away. But that is okay as I am doing it for my father, not them. Just going to remember good times and look at pics and hopefully have some crabs and crab soup as we are all from Maryland.

Do you have power of attorney? Speaking of parent being okay with what the brother does not do, it took me forever to get my dad to put me first as POA. It was that generation thing about the boy being the first born, etc. BS!! So glad dad finally realized after the lawyer talked to him about how lucky he was to have his daughter taking care of him. That was some years ago as it has now been close to seven that we have had dad.

We dog sit on Wed and will today for my son and you are right, that is great therapy. He has a pitbull Brownie he has had since a puppy so she is really sweet and a weimaraner boy Dallas. It is not too far so all in all about a couple hours. It is nice to get away from the house, pet the dogs, and then come back. Gives a fresh perspective.

We hope to get away after my brother and nephew leave!! Enjoy yourself!
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1215,
Good advice. My husband and I are going for 3 days to small local resort. W have not had a break since November. Ad that was only for 2 days to go to a wedding. My brother is also a big disappointment. He does nothing and mom is OK with this! I am so looking forward to the mini vacation. I got a dog to love and occupy my time. We walk 1- 2 miles a day and she is the little love of my life. She is my therapy!!!

Good luck,
Linda
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1215 - so well put. Thank you.
Carol
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Hi Austin,

I hope you will be ok. Hang in there - one pragmatist to another ..... let us know what happens.

C
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1215- that was good advice about lowering our expectations about the one we are caring for I need to do that I have been easier on myself on things I do- good enough is good enough but I do expect more from him then will do and I just need not to do that anymore-please those of who pray-pray for me to have a good outcome with my meeting with the elder laywer on Tue and if not help me to accept what I have to accept I am planning plan # 2 so if I have to I can go to that-I am a person who see's black and white and that probably is not wise, take care all of you dear friends.
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Good for you oneand only; so glad you are getting away to the family wedding. Go and have a great time and do not think about your mother; she will be fine. It took me awhile to let go when I would get away. That is one thing my therapist told us to do; to get away every three months. Its easier said than done due to money mostly, but after hearing what the stats are on us dying before them I think I will surely find a way now!! Another thing I was taught was to lower my expectations so for David53 I know where you are coming from as my brother does nothing. It took awhile for me to lower my expectations where he was concerned and to let go of the anger and resentment. Because guess what..... while we are ranting and raving and angry, they are clueless and going about their business and are just fine. So, DO NOT GIVE THEM YOUR POWER!!!!! Get that respite care as it really does make a huge difference. I can tell when it goes beyond that three-month period. Don't feel bad about venting. Did you read my crazy stuff I wrote? That is the beauty of this site. We all are going through the same stuff and understand the ups and downs. We are here for you. Glad you mentioned the nutrition and exercise as they are very important. I need to get back to that. It is too easy to just grab anything to eat and be lazy as I am now. A few years ago I was doing so much better, eating well and working out. Also was seeing a therapist around that time. Hmmmm.....another reason for going back to my therapist. Think I will make that appt this week. Another trick is learning to be flexible and not get upset when our loved one interrupts us in the middle of what we are trying to do for ourselves. I had a wake up call last week as my sitter lost her sister and said to me, "Once they are gone, they are gone forever" I had to stop and think about that one and decided to just love dad as best I could and forget all else as much as possible!!
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Hi David,
As you are finding out, one way to relieve that stress and isolation is by talking it out with other caregivers. People do say things on this site that I'm sure they wish they could take back, but these caregivers realized that the person writing is in a bad spot - nearly all of us have been there ourselves. We're glad you are checking back. Yes, that statistic is right on, and now researchers are finding it may be even higher. Caregivers all too often forget to take care of themselves (or don't have the time, energy or money). You are wise to realize you are angry with your siblings, rather than your mother.

Take care and please check in whenever you feel like it.
Carol
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Thanks to everyone who responded to my post last week. Your suggestions and advice are well received and very helpful. This website has been a helpful and beneficial resource for caregivers who are dealing with difficult circumstances. I hope that I can help someone else with some advice or words of encouragement. I was very upset and in my initial posting last week and regret using some strong words to vent my frustrations. I picked my mother up from her apartment today and took her out to lunch. We had a nice lunch and I enjoyed spending the morning and afternoon with her. I tried have a more positive and compassionate disposition and keep my frustrations and anger at bay. My mother expressed to me how lonely she gets living by herself and how she wishes she could still be living with her sister. My aunt broke her hip a year ago and also suffers from dementia. She now lives in an assisted living home. My mother lived with her sister for many years and now lives by herself in her own small apartment. For the first time in her life at 87, she is living alone with out any close friends or social network. Without any help from my only sister and brother, I`m the only person looking after my mother. She depends on me for everything. It`s all too easy to get angry at my mother for consuming so much of my life now. I realize that I`m more upset with my sister and brother for not stepping up to help my mother more than they do. Calling my mother once every two weeks or longer, and visiting her on the holidays is not enough. This situation is unlikely to change. As my mother`s only caregiver, I know that I`m going to have to accept it and take charge of this situation. I`m going to have to take a more pro-active role in using all the resources available to help my mother and take care of myself. As caregivers, we have to try to manage our time the best way possible to take care of ourselves as well as our loved ones we`re caring for. I think it is important that we maintain our physical and mental health. I try and find time to exercise everyday and eat healthier. A regular routine of exercise and good nutrition can relieve stress and improve our mental outlook. Being a caregiver can become overwhelming, depressing and become very stressful. It is imperative that we take care of ourselves and keep ourselves as healthy as possible. I read a surprising statistic the other day, 30 percent of caregivers die before the people whom they are caring for. We all need to try and do the best we can to take care of ourselves and get help when we need it. It`s nice to know there are people who are concerned and willing to help. I`m glad to know that there are resources such as this website that can offer help and comfort to people who are overwhelmed and struggling with difficult circumstances. I wish all of you the best and pray that you will get through this difficult process in your lives. Take care of yourselves, try to stay positive and may God bless you. Thank you.
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LOL! You said a mouthful, Oneandonly. We'd all like to know the future. The fact that your mother is cooperating with this respite care outside the home is a good sign. Maybe she's ready for adult day care, which would occupy her during the day while you have time for a life of your own.

Carol
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Hi 1215,
Thanks for the reply. I will be sending my mom to respite care this summer (for the first time) as we have a family wedding out of town. She saw the place and liked it since she knows she doesn't have to stay there forever ( I only wish). Since I am an only child (Dad is gone over 20 yrs) I used to depend upon my adult children to help watch her when I went somewhere (I used to travel for work but can't anymore & now work from home). However my daughter recently had a baby and my son is expecting his first child this year so they are not available to help out as before.
I too have taken to the garden to reduce some stress. It does help but it seems whenever I get involved in something my mom needs something. They do have a certain "radar" when we try to do something for ourselves.
I know God has a plan for her but I wish I was in on it!!
Keep venting.........it is the only way we don't go looney.......
oneandonly
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Boy, oneandonly, I sure know how you feel as my dad is 96 too. I thought seven years ago when I first brought him to live with us that he would not last too long too. Guess God had something more in mind. I have a brother who does nothing and friends who just do not get it so I know how that feels. About a month ago, I emailed my "story" to the national family caregivers assoc. poring my heart out about everything and my user name was "Want my life back" and my password was "frustrated'. I got a quick reply back as I must of scared them and they suggested I see a therapist. I was crying the whole time I was typing that story, so I understand that it is not funny when we are in it. However, when we are somewhat sane things do look up. I actually did see a therapist right after I brought my dad here. My mom died at age 90 in 2002, then closed dad's house in 2003, then a brother died suddenly at age 49 in 2004 so I was pretty nuts!! I have to say the therapist really did help me and I am thinking now about going back as dad's needs have changed considerably. I know that "time-for-me feeling so well. Have you been able to get any respite care? There are grants out there. I was able to get $500 last year from our council of aging!! It was great! And they paid for sitters in the home as that is what I try to do. Some grants, however, will not pay for that as they want you to place your loved one in assistant living which is okay for a short stay; I would do that if they did not pay for my sitters here. Something I do when I can't get away is I go to the furthest part of the house and pretend that my father does not live here (lol). I know that sounds crazy but it works and I watch tv, or read, or eat....whatever makes you happy; it somehow separates me from the caregiving role I guess. Also, someone said if you walk around the house with a smile on your face it helps. It does because I did that and it felt so forced that I began to laugh as it seemed so stupid. I have discovered that I like gardening, something I did not do before. So, try new things and you might surprise yourself by finding something to help you disconnect from all the caregiving. Thanks for venting; it so helps to know there is someone else out there with a 96-year-old parent!!!
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Hi Sulynn and 1215,
Welcome to this site. It is the BEST! I couldn't get thru some days without coming on and reading the posts. I never feel alone when I read what everyone is saying. No one can ever understand all the feelings that we have about caregiving unless they walk a mile in our shoes. I don't even bother when some people ask about my mom since they just don't get it.
It seems that every day is a new adventure although I want to get off this "ride". It has been 3 years today(seems like 30) that my mom moved in with me and I honestly didn't think she would last this long (she is 96). The Dr says she isn't doing too badly considering her health problems. Some days I just want to scream from the highest mountain.........LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! I just wish I had my life to myself.......when is there time for me.......it seems like it will never come.
It feels so good to VENT!!!!!
Thanks for listening..........It has been raining here for a week so hopefully when the sun returns I might feel better.
onenandonly
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Thank you everyone for making me feel at home here and for all the wonderful thoughts and advice. I did find a new group having their third meeting today at a yoga studio for Parkinsons patients. I actually took my father and he tolerated it well. They address any subject you would like and acquire speakers so I am looking forward to this. This is truly a break-through for me. Also, they are going to separate the caregivers next meeting and show us how to do some yoga. I am looking forward to that. I am also going to talk to our minister to see if there is interest among our congregation for a caregivers group of children caring for aging parents. Perhaps my husband and I will have a home group with other christians who are caregivers as well. Again, thank you all so much!!
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Sulynn-welcome to this site it has saved my sanity even though it is my husband who I take care of, there is a lot in common with those who take care of parents- it is a great support system for us all.
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welcom 1215 I am also new to this site and love it dearly. Since I found this site I don't feel so lonely anymore. I also realized the things my mom does is very common. It still hurts when she is ugly to me but, I am now able to overlook most of it anyway. I'm learning to deal with things and when I feel down I just come on the site and vent my feeling and get some great advice on how to handle some things. I hope you will get some great use of the site.

sulynn
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Welcome, 1215. You've already gotten some very good advice. If you type your state's name in your browser and find their main site, then go to their aging services, you can generally get a pretty good overview of what is offered. Also, of course, you county social services for adults is a great source. Take care and keep coming on to let us know how you are doing.
Carol
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Welcome 1215. We are so happy to add to our family of caregivers. When I am down, I get on the site and vent. Look at the many questions on the side of the screen.. One new one started by one of our members is Count Your Blessings. It really is great to b e able to put in something positive. Anne, mindingourelders , nauseated and some others have been on the site a while and have lots of wisdom. The new members have given me some good advice too. So welcome aboard. We don't judge, just support, give advice and cry with you when needed!!

Linda
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Welcome 1215, I'm sure you will find many friends here. I am pretty new as well and I thank God for everyone here, I just love them!!! I get so much inspiration, advise, comfort and just someone to listen to me it is a Godsend, Peace to you.
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David, my MIL has lived with us for 6 years. Call the Area Agency on Aging in your state and have a social worker come out and talk to you to let you know what is available. There are many senior helps out there that you may not know about. They pay for my MIL to get picked up on a van and taken to senior daycare 3days a week. Do NOT let your mom manipulate you. Sometimes you just have to be the parent and tell her what is going to happen, and then do it. This service is a life saver that will give your mom the social outlet she needs, even though she says she won't go. Elderly people get stuck in their routines and ruts and sometimes you just have to be firm for your own physical and mental health.

For those of you selling a parent's home, take the things you want and leave the rest and hire an estate sale planner who will take care of the whole thing and mail you a check. We had to do that when we sold my MIL's home in another state. It was so much easier than going through all the old clothes and knickknacks and trying to dispose of it ourselves. Your real estate agent can recommend someone.
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I just joined this group today so I am new at this. I do hope I find some friends here as well. I have been a caregiver for seven years now and certainly do understand the stress that comes with it. So glad that you have been able to let it go and have a good cry. I have had many. I noticed that your post was 7/08 and it is now 5/09 so I am assuming that you are still with this site. I have made a notebook for myself with encouraging info. Finding time for ourselves is soooo important no matter how little. A walk around the house is helpful just getting out and looking at nature to get our minds off the caregiving. Sometimes a bath, reading a book, pray, listen to music....find a quiet space where you can go take a few deep breaths and close your eyes. Enlist help anywhere and everywhere you can. My husband is a saint to me. He is actually cooking dinner ( a rare thing really) so I can type this. I have sitters so he and I can get away at times but it is just too expensive to go overnight very often anymore. So, plan some time away for yourself and go to the park or library or anywhere but Walmart (lol)! God bless you and remember just one day at a time is all we can really do!
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David, I understand 150% I agree sell her house she is the one who needs the assisted living not you unless her house is better than yours than sell yours and move into hers. Make it work for you to that is the best advice I can give you. Do Not put your life on hold I am 60 and have done so much for so long I feel I will go before my mother and she just drags me down now I have other family issues and the stress in unbearable at times than it turns into depression and I am not sure how much longer I can handle it. i wish I would have left my mother in her apt. She had assistance all Ihad to do was take her places and visit occassionally and do some things that needed to be done that she said she couldn't do. She can do a lot more than she puts on now she just eat sleeps and stays in her room she is no help all the promises were just that promises and I never get away from it. Think this thru really good before you make any definite decisions. I know from experience that most people will not take other peoples advice but all of us here are taking care of a parent or grandparent or spouse and it's harder than raising children. It's never a fun job at least in my case my mother will not join in anything and when I say anything I mean anything zip nada the belly aching gets on your nerves if you have a narcasistic person like mine and the crying wolf all the time you get numb I get home and she says oh are you home HELLO this is my body. thats the extent of our conversations. Can't even do a dish so its run run run from the time I get up at 5 to the time I go to bed at 10 so I wonder why I'm tired LOL Good luck to you.
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Dear David, you are SO not alone here. Most of us have experienced what you are going through now. I agree with the other friends here. You need some help. Maybe you could sell her house instead of selling yours, and then see if she can afford an assisted living apartment. I have to go now, will talk again next week. Take care, and let us know how you are doing.
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Dear David, I am sorry for you too, It's really so hard what you are going through. I know. I have the sibling thing too and it's really a shame. I have to agree with the others and especially lovingdaughter and boundries, Can you sell her house to get some money? You need to get help with her no doubt about it. Your life is very important too. Keep in touch here these people are a Godsend!!!!! Best to you God Bless.
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Wow David, you described my situation!! Very eloquent.

I agree with the ladies who said set boundaries and stick to them. It's the only way I know to survive this process that seems to take forever.

One advantage is that they get tired. Or at least my mother does. She makes a list of all the errands we are to do on the day I take her out. I prioritize them according to her needs and take her around. Eventually she begs to go home because she is so tired.

I'm also dealing my mother's loneliness and boredom. But I say it's too bad. I'm not spending anymore time with her than I already do. She will never get enough of my time and I too have a home to maintain. I've given her the name of a place she can call to get a friendly visitor. When she goes on about the loneliness I ask if she's made the call.

I've found that I have to keep dodging her as she is very good at sniffing out the cracks in my boundaries and trying to dig her way through.

It's a horrible way for both of us to live, but I haven't come up with a better solution. I rarely tell her anything about my real life because she disparages it or trys to use my life to her advantage someway. The other day she was planning my vacation time from work around her needs. That didn't last long believe me.

I never yell or speak harshly. I give her only encouraging words and tell her what a good job she is doing. I also tell her lies when it's necessary for my protection.

I'd like to know why I have to deal with this wretched situation. The only thing I can come up with is bad luck. Some people see it as God's will or some such frame of reference. I see it as life is just plain unfair sometimes.
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