I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
I can understand why sometimes about there feeling of not being able to handle it. Or what ever they are feeling. But u know we have the same feelings. All we are asking for is hours or a day out of there time, not weeks. I too would like to be able to go to the lake and go fishing again. Or go play a game of golf again.
We are in the process of saleling her home. And I left that to my brother. I said i'm taking care of mom u can take care of the house. All of it, cleaning it out, and getting it ready to sale and all the phone calls.
One other thing I've been reading on here. Is some of us looking for help finiancial. Don't know if this has been mention on here. But there is a program thru the VA. It is VA/A Place for Mom. If any of u have a dad that serviced in the service during war time, your mom may be eligible for benefits. And it don't mean that they had to be overseas. Just served during war time. Just check it out. I did and mom qualified. The only thing is they will have to go into a facility. Assited Living or Nursing facility. Right now just waiting on the home to sell, so we will have the extra money to use. Because most of these places are more than there SS. and what the VA will pay.( Max is $1057.00. Va.) So may have to have some more money to make up the difference. but any how i've been checking out all my options.
Thanks for the Prays we can all Use them, and on some days Big Time Prays, Take Care all, Elaine
Here is the odd point that I make to my friends. My brother, who does nothing, will never feel the guilt because he doesn't care and doesn't see mom as his responsibility. He sleeps at night just fine. We, on the other hand, have sleepless nights and worry because we do care. Go figure! My husband puts up with a lot and he is so patient. My only silver lining is that my brother's mil is coning to live with him soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now he will know ,first hand, what it is like!
Take care,
Linda
What do u do with all the resentment and anger u have with the ones that said they was going to help?
Short story: I've been taking care ofmom fr over 10 years with dementia. Fell back in Jan 09. Started staying with her 24/7 and notice things was worse than thought (with her dementia). Brother and 2 sister in laws helped plus husband but seemed like i was there most of the time. If they had a problem they would call me to help. So decided to move her in with me. And has some one on here told they will all disappear. Which is what happened. The brother would hep some and would take mom over to his house for awhile. But he just couldn't handle her confusion or if she cryed. So after that always some excuse not to help. And his wife cn't handle nothing. The other sister in law (on husband side) said she would be there for me. Well she disappeared.
Mom is in Adult Day Care during the week. So that gives me time. But my husband is a work. So we never have anytime to ourselves. Weekend after weekend, evening after evening and no help. Ever where we go we have to take mom. We used to be more activite people til now.
After all is said and done. And we have survived dementia. What to do with the resentment and anger with the family. That is what is on my mine right now. Expectually the sister in law on husband side, she said she would be there no matter what else others did. Yea right. We use to hang out together go to lunch and that good stuff. Just don't know how i feel about her anymore.
Right now u sure do found out who will be there for u during hard times.
One think for sure my husband has been there for me!!!!
It was a very stressful weekend to say the least, I had something new happen to me thus going to the doctor in about 45 min. I had what one nurse at church called zingers. Little tiny sharp hit you in the left temple headaches, last for about 5 seconds and happen every 25 seconds, found out this is caused by BP but mine was fine this morning. Sooooooooooo needing to take care of me. Mom is going down hill fast I think loose bowels constantly and sleeping all the time I get home and she says are you home?? So need to get myself in order just had my first class in the no smoking, had a walk I guess 1/4 mile. will go on patches tonight, hubby will have to go outside to smoke I have got to do this if I have a stroke, mom is in a nursing home for sure there will be no one to take care of her and who will take care of me? I know my son will but I don't want him to I want him to get on with his life, he just broke up a four year relationship not of his doing and that's been stressful had to take a dining room and make a bed room out of it and rearrange three other rooms now in the process of going thru stuff for a yard sale need some extra bucks. I wish I could get away, so anyway I came home from church yesterday and took an extra BP med and a anxiety med and went to bed at 3 and slept till 8:30 felt so much better went back to bed at 11 after taking all my meds and slept most of the night. So please pray for me I have to really have to quit the smoking between that and the stress it's gonna do me in and I am not afraid to die I just have to clean out one more closet first. Hope you are all well.
Do you have power of attorney? Speaking of parent being okay with what the brother does not do, it took me forever to get my dad to put me first as POA. It was that generation thing about the boy being the first born, etc. BS!! So glad dad finally realized after the lawyer talked to him about how lucky he was to have his daughter taking care of him. That was some years ago as it has now been close to seven that we have had dad.
We dog sit on Wed and will today for my son and you are right, that is great therapy. He has a pitbull Brownie he has had since a puppy so she is really sweet and a weimaraner boy Dallas. It is not too far so all in all about a couple hours. It is nice to get away from the house, pet the dogs, and then come back. Gives a fresh perspective.
We hope to get away after my brother and nephew leave!! Enjoy yourself!
Good advice. My husband and I are going for 3 days to small local resort. W have not had a break since November. Ad that was only for 2 days to go to a wedding. My brother is also a big disappointment. He does nothing and mom is OK with this! I am so looking forward to the mini vacation. I got a dog to love and occupy my time. We walk 1- 2 miles a day and she is the little love of my life. She is my therapy!!!
Good luck,
Linda
Carol
I hope you will be ok. Hang in there - one pragmatist to another ..... let us know what happens.
C
As you are finding out, one way to relieve that stress and isolation is by talking it out with other caregivers. People do say things on this site that I'm sure they wish they could take back, but these caregivers realized that the person writing is in a bad spot - nearly all of us have been there ourselves. We're glad you are checking back. Yes, that statistic is right on, and now researchers are finding it may be even higher. Caregivers all too often forget to take care of themselves (or don't have the time, energy or money). You are wise to realize you are angry with your siblings, rather than your mother.
Take care and please check in whenever you feel like it.
Carol
Carol
Thanks for the reply. I will be sending my mom to respite care this summer (for the first time) as we have a family wedding out of town. She saw the place and liked it since she knows she doesn't have to stay there forever ( I only wish). Since I am an only child (Dad is gone over 20 yrs) I used to depend upon my adult children to help watch her when I went somewhere (I used to travel for work but can't anymore & now work from home). However my daughter recently had a baby and my son is expecting his first child this year so they are not available to help out as before.
I too have taken to the garden to reduce some stress. It does help but it seems whenever I get involved in something my mom needs something. They do have a certain "radar" when we try to do something for ourselves.
I know God has a plan for her but I wish I was in on it!!
Keep venting.........it is the only way we don't go looney.......
oneandonly
Welcome to this site. It is the BEST! I couldn't get thru some days without coming on and reading the posts. I never feel alone when I read what everyone is saying. No one can ever understand all the feelings that we have about caregiving unless they walk a mile in our shoes. I don't even bother when some people ask about my mom since they just don't get it.
It seems that every day is a new adventure although I want to get off this "ride". It has been 3 years today(seems like 30) that my mom moved in with me and I honestly didn't think she would last this long (she is 96). The Dr says she isn't doing too badly considering her health problems. Some days I just want to scream from the highest mountain.........LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! I just wish I had my life to myself.......when is there time for me.......it seems like it will never come.
It feels so good to VENT!!!!!
Thanks for listening..........It has been raining here for a week so hopefully when the sun returns I might feel better.
onenandonly
sulynn
Carol
Linda
For those of you selling a parent's home, take the things you want and leave the rest and hire an estate sale planner who will take care of the whole thing and mail you a check. We had to do that when we sold my MIL's home in another state. It was so much easier than going through all the old clothes and knickknacks and trying to dispose of it ourselves. Your real estate agent can recommend someone.
I agree with the ladies who said set boundaries and stick to them. It's the only way I know to survive this process that seems to take forever.
One advantage is that they get tired. Or at least my mother does. She makes a list of all the errands we are to do on the day I take her out. I prioritize them according to her needs and take her around. Eventually she begs to go home because she is so tired.
I'm also dealing my mother's loneliness and boredom. But I say it's too bad. I'm not spending anymore time with her than I already do. She will never get enough of my time and I too have a home to maintain. I've given her the name of a place she can call to get a friendly visitor. When she goes on about the loneliness I ask if she's made the call.
I've found that I have to keep dodging her as she is very good at sniffing out the cracks in my boundaries and trying to dig her way through.
It's a horrible way for both of us to live, but I haven't come up with a better solution. I rarely tell her anything about my real life because she disparages it or trys to use my life to her advantage someway. The other day she was planning my vacation time from work around her needs. That didn't last long believe me.
I never yell or speak harshly. I give her only encouraging words and tell her what a good job she is doing. I also tell her lies when it's necessary for my protection.
I'd like to know why I have to deal with this wretched situation. The only thing I can come up with is bad luck. Some people see it as God's will or some such frame of reference. I see it as life is just plain unfair sometimes.