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O my God. There is so many things you all are going thru is the same as mine. Once mom moved in with me it getting her to stop pooping in the tub. Her toilet at her home messed up one time, she would use the tub. We got it fix, but if she got it in her head that it was still broke, she would use the tub. But Thank God we've got her using the toilet now.
And how they can be doing good one minute and then next is like the switch went off in their head.
Well just waying in a little.
The past 4 days have been going pretty good. Not been frustrated.

BLESSING TO ALL , ELAINE
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Anne and Lazor thank you for your comments I am very glad to hear all points of view - I do not get offened only by the husband as he is just plain mean now his phone is cut off he has to use the pay phone-on the 11 th I will start up his service again -he has not called me today which is good because I did not feel like going out it was rainy and cold and could not get in a good mood to go and play rummykube at the senior center -I did not want to be a downer most of the women are widows and they think I should be happy I have a husband. I told my son after he speaks to rhe social worker I will get an accountant to go there with me and the husband I have to find out how much we have that the medicade can not our investments are so complicated at this point and I am saving as much money to help pay down our debt and while losing weight I shop at GOODWILL for just what clothes I need -today I am very weepy and can not even work on the afagan I am making for a lady at church-just reading and talking to my cat who is sticking to me like glue. I was tolf I could see a lawyer at The Office AT THE Ageing probably low cost- I am embarressed I did not keep up on the investments that is so not right but I do everything else around here I just did not have time-that will never happen to me again, I will not talk to the husband alone- last night my son finally realized he may have to be placed-he only asked for him to be in the nursing home close to us so it is easier for him to visit and I said I would do that it also is close to our church and does have liberal visiting hours.
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Welcome feeling. we are all here for each other. Hope we helped in some way form or fashion. Well folks Mom in law is getting days and nights mixed up again. Hopefully when I take her tomorrow we will straighten that back again. LOL roller coaster. I agree with Anne on the money end Austin. You need to take care of yourself. Words of wisdom from a woman who has bought two men their homes. lol
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I'm a newbie to this site too! And I couldn't agree with you more. It too has helped me to maintain some sort of sanity.

Oh and btw Anne. I've decided not to cut my hair since I was already pulling at it. If it were short than I'd be bald in no time. LOL!!!

Shar
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Hey, feelinguilty, welcome! Now you can stop feeling guilty. Join our group and keep coming back. We'll love hearing from you. These are great people with lots of experience.

Take care,
Carol
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I just have to 'speak up'. I stumbled upon this site after going through numerous, stereotypical, sugar coated, politically correct, virtually uselss other sites. I feel so much better and have even laughed out loud like a mad hatter. I'm not alone. I shouldn't feel guilty, well, at least all of the time.

Thank you so much for sharing. I feel vindicated. I feel like I may just be able to hold on to a modicum of sanity. All because of all of you.
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Austin, have you also sought legal counsel concerning protecting yourself, and about the situation with your husband? (Not suggesting divorce, just financial guidance...) Just a thought. Hope I didn't offend by being so bold.
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Dear Austin, you gave some good advice to young women, but not all husbands are like that. I am so sorry to hear that things are a struggle for you with your husband. I am my Mom and my Dad's Conservator. She blames him, but I know they both had financial problems independent of one another. They are both responsible for the mess they got in. They had joint accounts and separate accounts. And they didn't communicate what each were doing. That is why I think, working together is best, rather than separate, or against each other. I think my folks had a lot of spite, and intentionally spent money for selfish purposes. The June Cleaver way only works with responsible adults. Sin and selfishness ruin marriages, finances, children, and all kinds of other things. Else why be married? If you can't work together??? But, I'm a idealist. Though, I now have a wonderful husband (the second time around). And I also know what's going on with our finances, and am involved in decision making. Thank God we are truly one flesh, have the same values and ideals, and work together. For those of you who don't have that, I am truly sorry. But I also know what it's like to not have that. (Long story.) But it is only by the grace of God that I am not in a horrible place today. God is the only one who can heal broken marriages, salvage wrecked finances, and restore wacky parent/child relationships. I speak from experience. I'm not perfect, but God is. And he can do what I couldn't. He's still working on me, but has proved himself faithful, and loving. I could tell you amazing stories of miracles and answered prayer.

Austin, prayer will be your greatest ally in your marriage and all the difficulties you have to overcome. God can do what you cannot. Yes, look out for your best interests, and get a separate account if need be. But always ask for help. God can guide and make a way where there seems to be no way. God can change hearts and move mountains, if need be. Or he can discipline in ways you could not. Trust him to help you, and expect he will if you ask. I speak in love, and hope I haven't overstepped boundaries.
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Dear Naus, that makes me cry for what has happened to your Dad. It is so criminal for the vulnerable elderly to be taken advantage of. They need to trust someone, but to be cheated is so wrong. It's sad.

We didn't know what was happening with our parents because we lived far away, and just a visit here and there didn't alert us to anything. Things "appeared normal," mostly. And it's easy to brush off suspicions for awhile until things become "glaring." Don't mean to sound "cryptic." Do you understand what I am saying? We had some suspicions about things, but didn't think my parent's finances were any of my business. Someone at the bank actually tipped me off about my Dad's problems. She suggested I "come with him for appointments," and pressed a business card in my hand. Thank God! I not only listened, but started playing detective. What I found was not good. There was major trouble! And major debt. And Dad had major Alzheimer's. Wow! What discoveries. I felt like Chicken Little.

If any of you have even the slightest suspicions about your loved ones finances, and want to be of help, ask them. Or check it out. They may not want you to know, but if there's trouble, you may be able to help. They may not like it, but sometimes need someone to step in and help or be their advocate. You may be embarrassed to ask, but let them know you care. Some people are too proud to tell others they are struggling, so be observant. We can't just assume everything is fine. (Not trying to spread paranoia, just caution.)
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I have a followup I had the husbands' phone service cut off because he was over using the min for othing called me 7 or 8 times telling me the samr things and then our son and racking up many extra min at .34 a min. My son emailed me today we live 1 mile apart but he works the midnight shift and I never know when he is sleeping so that is how we get messages to each other I have not gotten in my head how to text him on my new phone -another of my grand-daughters old things. He tell me I HAVE TO TALK TO THE HUSBAND about financies- I said after he talks with the social worker I will go and with another person-a social worker or a phycarist or lawyer or someone so I am allowed to talk and not get shouted down I would be glad to talk with him and I am being very frugel and saving up as much as I can to start paying down our debts and that his father is not going to be able to use aby credit cards I so wish we had never combined our money but I was June Cleaver when I married-you young gals might not know who that was I was a stepford wife. so we shall see but are son's job is to talk to the social worker first so she can tell him what she told me about medicare if we can get on medicare he could come home with enough aide hrs to make it work. You younger women and men get accounts in your name and have your own money that is the way to go then you will not have the mess I have to deal with.
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Thank you so much Anne, you have been a blessing to all here on this site. My dad was videotaped before he got too bad, by the State Insurance Investigator. And she will be testifying on his behalf when it comes to court. I can't wait. I am waiting with great elation, and praying justice will be done, and it will be by the Lords hands, since it is out of my hands. Might be a good thing, she wouldn't want me getting a hold of her. LOL Have a great day all! Nauseated
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That happened to my Dad, too, kind of. It's different than yours. I could tell you stories about what happened to FIL, her (the abuser) getting arrested, but he couldn't remember or stand trial. So sad. You are doing a hero job loving and caring for your Dad. Some day you will have no regrets. I understand it is hard now, and how tiring and frustrating and enraging it can be. Be gentle with yourself. We love you, and give you permission to cry all you want. But hang in there, and keep being the hero you are! God bless, and have a wonderful afternoon, despite all the difficulties.
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Anne, yes I know I will have to get a hold of the annuities at some point, to use for assisted living. But right now, I have to be careful about what I do, because the financial abuser has not been arrested yet, and we don't want to tip her off, and then she will flee this country, and never stand trial. That means, I cannot do anything differently with his annuities, loans, assets, etc. Because she was so heavily involved in everything he did, everyday. That is why there was such a huge paper trail, and an enormous amount of evidence. She was employed by several different insurance companies, selling annuities, a licensed real estate agent as well. She has a huge circle. These people run in packs, and have an enormous circle of accomplices. This is only temporary, until she is actually in custody, then I can do what needs to be done. She had him moving his money around so much, he didn't know where it all went. But everytime he moved his annuities, she would rake in a commission, and he would suffer penalities everytime, which resulted in huge losses over the years. So, you can see, this is complicated. I'm not sure when she will be in custody, this is taking way too long. Anyway, sorry, long post. Thank you for all of your suggestions and help. I still have to pay off his credit card bills too. Whew! So much! Take Care all. Nauseated
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My Dad was very angry and combative. I didn't understand it, and was very intimidated by it. Everyone was. He was driving in blind rage fits. Totally terrifying! But he had other behaviors as well. These all got him removed from his home, taken to a Geriatric Psychiatric Ward, placed on drugs, then moved to a Nursing Home. I sometimes feel guilty that I didn't take him into my home. We couldn't, because he placed a plastic bag over my beloved 7 year old son's head. There was no way Dad could come here. That's what his disease did to him. He was screaming at my Mom and smashing things in the home. Alzheimer's at work! O could I tell you more stories. But he has "better living through chemistry" now. He is the sweetest thing you'd ever want to meet - unless pushed. He doesn't like to take showers anymore, and calls his nurses "nasty" that try to help. He can't help it
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Hi ladies, the remote thing is a little more complicated. Even though I showed him time and time again on the old one, he still couldn't get it. He can't understand written instructions like others. As far as the part about taping and labeling things, he is not quite that far gone yet, but I expect it soon. This is kind of funny, one day I decided to tape a label above his towel in the bathroom saying "grampy's towel", because he kept using my daughter's towel by mistake. I changed towels frequently and this confused him. So I taped a label, and he got a little offensive saying "I didn't use her towel!", when in fact he did several times. Then one day, he got mad and ripped the label off the wall above the towel rack. I just can't win. Thanks for your suggestions. Take care all. Nauseated
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Naus, I cashed in annuities with penalties, because my folks needed help, and that was more important that trying to "maintain" assets. They got the help they need. That's what the money is for. They had debts, which were all paid, and now they are on a budget. How does $16,000.00 worth of income taxes sound? That's what it cost to case in IRAs, etc. But they are cared for. And it was from their assets. The $$ they put away for the future is being used for the future they saved for - now. Because they need it now. It's their $$ and being used for their care. I even cashed in my life insurance policy for Dad's needs, because it was his money. I don't hope to profit from their life savings while they have monetary needs.
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Great idea, Susan. When labeling with words doesn't work, drawing images or clipping them from a magazine can help. The recognition of images often last longer than words. But labeling is very helpful. Even doors can be labeled, when the time comes that such things are necessary.

Carol
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Oh something else I thought might help. I have labeled things that MIL does like how to microwave her coffee and taped to microwave. I labeled her drawers to what goes inthem pants, PJ shirts. You might label the remote with a few simple directions. It might help you and him both for a little while.
love ya
Susan
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I wish I had some answers for you or a solution or just some Tinkerbell dust to make it all go away. But there isn't any only hugs from companions who know and understand what you are going through. Before MIlaw came here and Pops was dying of his cancer they had a fight over the remote. This was two adults and I mean the fight got serious. These two adult were in there 70's Pops was 77 and she was 73. He probably yelled at here in his military voice and the next thing we knew she hit him with it and he knocked her to the floor. Well youngest son was called and they told them it really would look foolish for the law to be involved over two old farts fighting over a remote. So they settled back down. I sorry Naus. I just can picture my in laws doing the fighting like that and it makes me laugh. But it made an impression on MIL because when she messes up her remote she tells me very quietly she messes up her tv and needs a new one. I just fix it back and tell her its okay. Ive written down the instructions on how to get it back after I talked with tech. so now I can do it myself. Also her remote is not one that can mess up a lot with. You might try giving your Dad a remote that doesnt work with that TV and hide yours. Hugs Naus. you need bunches of hugs.
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Love you Naus. Sorry for all your stress. You are a wonderful daughter. Dad just struggles, and so you do. too. Praying for you. Talk soon.
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One answer: better living through chemistry. Will post more later.
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Anne, how come your Dad is so sweet still? My Dad yelled at my 4yr old grandaughter twice this weekend, and said horrible things. And I got mad and yelled back at him. My grandaughter is very busy, and a chatter box, which most of the time does not bother me, since I babysat her for 3 1/3 yrs everyday. My grandaughter does not like the vaccuum cleaner. I was vaccuuming, and she tries to mask the sound of the vaccuum with her loud chatter, singing, etc. The tv was also on low, and Dad was trying to snooze on the couch instead of going to his room to nap like he should. I hate this camping out on the couch crap, since we all feel like we have to tip toe around the house, which we don't anyway. While she was chattering, he woke up and reached for the remote, which he knows he is not aloud to touch, since he messes up the programming on the dvr everytime he touches the remote. We just got new cable service again, and have a brand new dvr/remote. He grabbed the remote, and I said what are you doing. He got mad at me and yelled I'm touching this is it alright? I told him no. I said you are not changing the channel are you, since I had on cartoons for my grandaughter. He said no but if she (meaning grandaughter) doesn't shut up, I am going to cut her legs off! He said this in front of her. I said excuse me, don't you ever talk like that around her. He said don't you talk like that to me. I said I am an adult, and if you don't like the noise, go to your room and nap you crotchety old man! I told my grandaughter not to pay attention to him. The next day, we were all assembling around the dinner table. I have my daughter, her husband, and grandaughter over for dinner quite frequently, because I love having them around, and they like being here. Also, my daughter has been having pains for the last two days, ready to give birth to my grandson any day now, and she lives 35 min from my house, and my house is another 35 minutes to the nearest hospital, so I want her closer to the hospital. Also, when she goes, she can just leave grandaughter with me. Anyway, we were assembling around the dinner table. Grandpa's seat had to be switched so grandaughter could sit next to both her mom and dad. The grandaughter was informing my dad, who is her great-grandpa, that her dad was sitting next to her, instead of grandpa. My dad, yelled at her "SO WHAT WHO CARES!" I said why are you yelling at her, she is 4 yrs old, how old are you? He said, she is telling me what to do! Who is the child here? Oh brother! God help me, because I want him out of my house NOW! And it can't be now, because I don't have the money for him right now. It has to be yanked out of his annuities, and suffer huge penalties. Here is my vent for today, so sorry. I just don't like him anymore, and feel horrible that I don't give a crap anymore. I want my life back!!! Am I a bad daughter? I feel so depressed! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!! I am a crybaby!!!!!!!! Nauseated
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Knowing we can't control other people and many situations - really "getting" that - and turning it all over to God, does help. We struggle so hard against life's injustices, but we can't understand the big picture, and we can't change the realities of life. Nicerobin, Anne and the rest of you all have some profound and wonderful thoughts and advice. It's an honor to be a part of all of this.
Carol
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I was going to tell you about some silly things: my 8 yr old likes to take some of his toys to Grandpa. A rubber band gun, remote control cars, balloons, etc. They have fun. Sometimes Dad doesn't understand the concept or the toy anymore. Imagine some object shooting off a table at you; it startles him a little. We try to monitor his reactions and play accordingly. He loves to tickle his grandson at times, and sometimes my son tickles his grandpa. Today, Dad was laughing at his own jokes. We didn't understand what he was saying at all, but had to pretend we were enjoying them as much as he was. Sometimes we take a puppy to visit in his room. He likes that, and says, "Awwww..." Often we build puzzles, and the other day, played pool while he watched. It was a good day. They aren't all good. He says he doesn't know how to play Checkers (used to play three dimensional Chess and Master Mind). We took some pictures and a couple videos yesterday, and I recorded some of his conversations. All in all, we hope to look back on these times with Dad as precious memories.
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There was a lady at husband's Dad's nursing home that cried a lot. She just sat in the dining room and the nurses had a difficult time comforting her. It was awful to see and hear. So sad. What can one do? Perhaps some loving words, distraction, or soothing music? The nurses spoke to her, trying to help lift the crying. Perhaps depression over losing her husband? What does her physician recommend?

I pray you and your mom have additional opportunities for creating memories and some special times together. Just to get out of the house can be an amazing feat for some.

We got my Dad out to see some Christmas lights. Mom was up, but he was quiet. Can't say he appreciated it as we did, it being dark out and inside the car, and he getting lost and disoriented just going down a hallway. The most recent attempt we made to take Dad out was just last week. We wanted to go for a drive, since the snow had melted, and get a sandwich at McDonalds. A simple outing. No way. As soon as he approached the door, he sat in the lobby. He wouldn't budge. In fact, he told me to tell my husband, "No." That wasn't good enough. He made me tell him to drive away. 4 months is a long time not to go outdoors. I would have cabin fever. Perhaps it's just too much stimulation for someone with Alzheimer's. I hate Alzheimer's - the thief!
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Hope you had a wonderful vacation! I pray you have the opportunity to create some beautiful memories for yourself and Mom
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Hi Everyone,

Today my I took a chance and took my mom on a car ride. It took us a long time to get to the car but it was so worth it. Usually we are in 24-7. I am happy to say that she did not cry once. She has crying spells several times a day (hard cries for no reason that I know of) but she can not tell me why she is crying. Memory loss is not nice, but I had time to let the wind blow through the car and let the sun shine through the sun roof. I felt like I was on vacation.

I continue to encourage all that care for a loved one to stay focused on why you are doing it. Look for ways to enjoy your day. Silly things are not off the list.
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upthecreek, I can relate to a lot of what you say, and posted a message on your wall.
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If she doesn't go for the test, they automatically revoke the license. So that is in God's hands, too. It is wonderful to read that you are trusting him. I pray she does, also. Too bad Mom is not allowing you to help, but that may be a blessing in disguise as well. Thanks for posting. Look forward to hearing more from you, Anne

God is so good. My husband bought me a very beautiful van yesterday for my birthday. We pick it up today. We've been driving Mom's car, which must be hard on her. Now we can transport her to her doctors, hospital surgery, etc. and all ride in luxury. My cup overflows today with God's blessings, even in the midst of the storm. Mom has a PET Scan on the 9th for a lymph node next to her lung that is of concern, then Lymphectomy breast Cancer surgery on the 15th, followed by?? We will be traveling down to be with her, and hopefully moving her close by. But Dad is doing well in the Nursing Home by us, so we can rest in God for his care, too. Thanks for reading my vent.
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Hi Everyone,

I thought you all like an update on my mother. Well as you know she sent me back to home at the middle January and told me to let her be. I have done just that the last two months and half. We have not spoke since then when she spoke to me so harshly on the phone frighten and not quite sure what was happening to her. To keep things simple and to keep the blood pressure down for both of us I just turned things over to God.
Well, yesterday my husband couldn't stand it anymore and he wanted to call and see if she was still alive. He asked me for her number and phoned her. Yes, she is still kicking just not as high.
She still has allot of fight in her and she is not going to give up easy ,which is good. That means she does have the will power to live and just not give up like she thinks she can. Plus it showing her God is in control with this.

She did tell him she had been in and out of the hospital 2 times since January when I came home. Which, she has told my brother not to contact me when she goes in the hospital. She said that they are trying to revoke her license but she has to take a test. She said she may not go take it . Hope she gives up the driving for safety of others and herself. I am to blame for this revoking of license to her view of course. However
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