I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
Traditional Interview vs. Behavioral Interview
In a traditional interview, you will be asked a series of questions which typically have straight forward answers like "What are your strengths and weaknesses?" or "What major challenges and problems did you face? How did you handle them?" or "Describe a typical work week."
In a behavioral interview, an employer has decided what skills are needed in the person they hire and will ask questions to find out if the candidate has those skills. Instead of asking how you would behave, they will ask how you did behave. The interviewer will want to know how you handled a situation, instead of what you might do in the future.
Questions in a Behavioral Interview
Behavioral interview questions will be more pointed, more probing and more specific than traditional interview questions:
# Give an example of an occasion when you used logic to solve a problem.
# Give an example of a goal you reached and tell me how you achieved it.
# Describe a decision you made that was unpopular and how you handled implementing it.
# Have you gone above and beyond the call of duty? If so, how?
# What do you do when your schedule is interrupted? Give an example of how you handle it.
# Have you had to convince a team to work on a project they weren't thrilled about? How did you do it?
# Have you handled a difficult situation with a co-worker? How?
# Tell me about how you worked effectively under pressure.
Follow-up questions will also be detailed. You may be asked what you did, what you said, how you reacted or how you felt.
I am currently a paid in home caregiver. I know what you mean about working with people who give us a bad name. I quit at a nursing home because of the way things were being done. Could not be a part of that.
One suggestion is, be very clear about what you want, need and expect. You have the right to ask ANY question you want to. If the person is getting uncomfortable or edgy, send them down the road. Make sure they have professional references. Not just personal ones. Family references also.( Family that they worked for in the past.) You can run a background check for a few dollars on the Internet.
The most important thing is follow your gut. If you are uncomfortable in any way do not hire this person. Let them know this is a trial period. Nothing is written in stone.
I often think about my own situation. I was hired simply on the basis of a recommendation of a family friend (their family) and it was 3 weeks before I heard from anyone. Thank God I am honest, trustworthy and have my clients best interest at heart.
My problem is unique in the sense that I can not get the family to participate. What a crazy world we live in.
You will be in my prayers to find the right person, because there are very good caregivers out there, but sometimes hard to find. And just because they are from an agency does not mean they are right for the job.You can call your BBB and see if there have been any complaints against an agency you may be thinking about contacting.
Make a list of the questions you have, and a list of things you want and need done. A Lot of times, the sign of a good one is when they do more than was asked of them. Good Luck and prayers for you. Let me know if there is anything else I can help you with.
you'll have to pick the sitter carefully as you already know.
Hope this helps some.
I've had other professional caregivers tell me they "know too much," and find it hard to let go and let others care for their own family, but they can't do it either. It's a true catch 22. Either way is tough.
Getting help is a good answer. Can you find an agency where you know some people? Getting references from satisfied family members is probably your best chance at finding some peace with this. Then, you will have to make yourself let go. But you'll also want to do what we all need to do, and that is be aware. Your problem, which you recognize, is being aware without being paranoid. I'm not saying it will be easy, but talking to people you know (in the field) and getting some recommendations may ease your mind.
Good luck with this tough issue and please let us know how you are doing.
Carol
I have been considering getting at least some 4 hr daily help. He is with the VA and I believe that they will cover that much care. I guess one of MY problems is-is that I've worked side by side over the years with some AWFUL- and I mean AWFUL caregivers (ones that steal, one's that are lazy, do not feed, bathe or keep the client clean--hell, one even gave the client a live lighter after being repeatedly told not to, and the client set herself on fire!). My biggest fear is dealing with someone like that. I don't want to have this bitchy attitude right from the get-go. Any advice on dealing with these feelings? Yes, some may suggest I take care of my father full time. I also have issues/feelings about that. Like I can handle just so much when dealing with a loved one. It's different somehow to go into a strangers home and care for someone you don't know. With my father, I have known him all my life, an intelligent man who always had an answer for every problem, who could fix anything, who isn't this person that he is slowly becoming--Am I making any sense to anyone.....
I'm finding that siblings is my second worst enemy next to myself. If they dont contribute to the care, then they have no clue what it is like. I told myself to forgive my brother for the way he's been treating me for he doesn't know what it's like. But I can't, because how dare he treat me this way when he doesn't know what it's like. If you say you are done, Breakdown. Then be done. No matter what you say to your siblings, they won't understand. So it's like beating your head against a brick wall. We know that gets us no where.
No where is it written, that we HAVE to do this.
The more stories I read, I'm so blown away!!! I've only been taking care of my mom for a little over two months and it was over my head. I have very little or no help from my siblings. So I contacted my local Caregiver Resource Group and received a Grant for Inhome Suppport Care. I couln't do it by myself anymore. My hat is off to you ladies!!! But please, please it's now time to take care of yourself. If you're at the point of dire straits... if your parent is able to live in assisted living it's time!!! You've done your best! I'm not judging but I do believe when your health starts to suffer it's time to do the ultimate. If your health goes down, you want be of help to anyone including yourself, husband and/or children.
The facilitor of my caregiver support said "Caregivers are Angels of Society".
How true it is!!!
There are a few of you that I'm going to say an extra prayer before you health deteriorates any further!!!
Take care of yourselves "Angels"
-Jazzy
Dare
if she is taking 30 minutes to pee, you might consider taking a urine sample to the doctor. That is not normal and could be a bladder infection which is serious in older people, or indication of another problem.
as far as the smell goes - there are plenty of products you can buy online that can remain in the bathroom without spraying. Hope you give yourself a break soon. It sounds as if you have hit the limit of your endurance....time for cyberhugs from your peers on this board & taking a break outside.
bye Dare
Welcome. You've got a lot to handle and we welcome you to join us. It helps a lot to know you aren't alone. I hope you can find a way to get more help and get out on your own some. This is too much for anyone.
Carol
Welcome to this sight. My heart hurts for the load you are carrying. Your love for your husband speaks volumes about you. I don't think "tired" even begins to cover what you must be feeling.
This sight is a safe place to say what's on your mind and how you feel. You will receive alot of support. I don't think any of us get to this sight by accident.
You are not alone. You have alot to deal with, but please take time to let us know how you are. You are in my prayers. God Bless
YOU WILL FIND VERY LOVING AND CARING PEOPLE ON THIS SITE. NO ONE JUDGES YOU FOR ANYTHING YOU FEEL OR SAY. WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE.. DONE THAT...
YOU NEED A PLACE JUST FOR YOURSELF AND THIS IS IT SO USE IT TO YOUR ADVANTAGE PLEASE.
GOD BLESS YOU HONEY.. AND HANG IN THERE.. GOD PROMISES THAT THIS TO SHALL END... A BIG HUG FOR YOU KNOWING WE ALL NEED THEM.. JUDI
Pudin, isn't it nice how a sibling wants their inheritence protected but sees nothing wrong with letting others do all that free work? Hang in there, do what is right, and you'll enjoy your inheritence far more than he will. I've often wondered if the one sitting back doing all that checking on others if they wouldn't be the very ones to clip mom's checking account for their own personal use if they thought they could get away with it. Maybe your brother is judging you by what he would do. :)
MY DAYS RUN INTO ONE ANOTHER.. I GOTTA GO PEE.. AGAIN... CAN I HAVE SOME OLIVES?.. CAN I HAVE A HOT CUP OF COFFEE?.. I DON'T LIKE THIS AND IM NOT GONNA EAT IT!.... WHERE IS MY MONEY?....I'M SORRY IF I ASKED YOU THIS BEFORE, BUT CAN I HAVE SOME OLIVES AND HOT COFFEE.........IT GOES ON AND ON AND ON SO MUCH SO THAT THERE ARE TIMES I WANT TO SCREAM AT HER AND SAY PLEASE........JUST LEAVE ME ALONE FOR AWHILE!
I KNOW WE ALL FEEL THIS WAY AT TIMES.. BUT I JUST HAD TO VENT.....I LOVE MY MOM WITH MY ENTIRE BEING, BUT THIS IS THE HARDEST JOB I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE. SHE HAS BEEN WITH ME GOING ON 4 YEARS NOW AND IS IN THE LAST STAGES OF CONGESTIVE HEART FAILURE. WE HAVE HOSPICE COMING TO THE HOUSE TWICE A WEEK FOR THE NURSE AND TWICE A WEEK FOR THE NURSE AID TO BATHE HER. THAT AT LEAST GIVES ME TIME TO TAKE A SHOWER AND WASH MY HAIR TWICE A WEEK TO.
MOST TIMES I CAN REMAIN VERY UPBEAT.. BUT BOY THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS HAVE BEEN A BUGGER FOR ME....I GUESS I JUST NEED TO REGROUP AND GET ON WITH THE CARE I PROMISED TO HER AND DEAL WITH IT.
THE ANGER I HAVE FOR MY ONLY SIBLING (BROTHER) FOR NOT HELPING ME AT ALL AND MY NIECES AND HIS GRANDKIDS AT TIMES ARE OVER WHELMING... BUT THANK GOD I AM ABLE TO LET IT GO MOST TIMES. MY BROTHER WATCHES MOM'S CHECKING ACCOUNT VERY CAREFULLY TO MAKE SURE THAT I DO NOT USE ANY OF HER MONEY FOR MY PERSONAL THINGS. I TOLD HIM I COULD LEGALLY BE CHARGING HER FOR HER CARE... HE SAID IT'S HIS MONEY TOO.. OMG.. SHOULD I SHOOT HIM NOW OR WAIT TILL MOM IS GONE.. LOL...
I SURE HOPE GOD HAS A SPECIAL PLACE FOR US ALL SOME DAY CUZ THE WAY I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW I WILL NEED YEARS TO RECOUPERATE FROM THIS.
GOD BLESS YOU ALL FOR ALL THE GOOD WORK YOU ARE DOING
So, getting him out of the wheelchair, onto the stool and into the truck was always an ordeal.But the fun part would come when we got to the Dr.s office.
I would unload the wheelchair, the stool and get everything in position. Invariably, every time I would be helping him onto the stool, he would start hollering"You're hurting me. Go slower. Pick up my leg", ect.
The first time he did this I was mortified! People were staring, had their cell phones out ready to call 911 for elder abuse ! The more I tried to calm him down the louder and more irate he would get.
Needless to say that was one lesson on how to take care of myself. Next time, and all other times, same scene. I would just look at people, smile and shrug my shoulders.
If no one was around when we pulled up to get out, he was as calm as can be! Go figure.
Carol
I think it was Mother Theresa who said something like, "God only gives us as much as we can take, but Lord, don't have so much confidence in me!"
I need to vent. It always feels so good to come on this site and vent and no one judges me. Sometimes I feel like I will burn in hell for the way I think.
My 91 yr old mother can be so difficult at times. I take her to day care 3 times a week and on those 3 days she gives me a hard time. I hear excuses like .."I don't have to go so early...I don't feel good.....my stomach bothers me....you can pick me up early" and so on and so on. But...when the days come that she don't have to go she is up early and nothing bothers her. I also have a husband who has very bad COPD and on oxygen and I feel bad that we don't spend time together. He watches TV in the bedroom at night by himself because when mom is in the living room she keeps reading every word on the screen out loud. She stays up until 10 or 11 pm if I let her. I try to tell her to go to bed early so she can get up early and not be so tired all the time. When we don't go to day care she just sits around...sleeps...and won't even get dressed. I hate seeing this.
Mom wants me to take her out everyday and shop. I just can't do that. Here is an example: We were in Wal-mart...mom can't walk without a walker, but when I go for long shopping tours I use a small transport wheelchair. So I put her in the chair, because she don't know how to operate a mobile one, at the same time I am suffering with arthritis in my foot limping all over the place and then at the same time I am pulling a shopping wagon. So here we are knocking down displays..people running to us and me getting so embarrassed. Finally I said..."That's it we are going home." Well mom looks at me and says.."Why there is nothing wrong with you!"
She also has dementia...I can't even carry on a conversation. Sometimes I'm sorry I start one.
OK...thanks for listening to me...I guess today is not a good day for me..I am so stressed out.
Neonwock I am just starting to read Rick Warren's book on The Purpose Driven Life. I need to know what on earth am I here for...I know it will be a big help.