Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

Believe me-nobody has told me that taking care of him is a good idea. I guess that he fact that I don't have much family holds me back from placing him and being done. Actually , he and my daughter are all I have. She's 23 and helps me out with him (if she were little I wouldn't expose her to this--it's too disturbing). Also the fact that he was a good father to me in previous years---he's grown more and more crazy over the last 20 years after losing my mother, and over the last year, he has become unbearable with the dementia. Sometimes I wish he would go quietly in his sleep here at home. I despise nursing homes---I truly do. I know people say that there are good ones out there, but I just haven't seen it. Plus the VA only pays for certain homes and I'm familiar with them (not good at all). Also, I know he'll go fast there with the way he behaves (starving himself when he doesn't get his way). I sometimes think that that may not be such a bad thing, but I know it will weigh on me. I just don't understand why he has to be so nasty in his habits---it's uncalled for. I feel I need to try my very best and do everything possible to get through this---everyone has told me I have already reached that point--I know he won't last in a home, but he's giving me no alternative with his disgusting behavior.Next month it will be a year that he has lived with me---I feel like nothing has been achieved and the nothing has been appreciated--I'm keeping him going with a life that has no quality and my own life has been turned upside down. There are times that I feel he is an evil old man, but then he'll turn around and tell me he loves me and it makes me feel like a monster for thinking that way. WHY can't he live his days out here without being such a jerk?!

Well-he needs to be away from your child !!! And you !! peeing in a cereal bowl when he can and knows how to use the bathroom!!
Put him in a NH-let people that know how to handle things like that help you. He will be fine and you'll be much better off.

One thing I've certainly experienced through all of this is a rollercoaster of emotions--sadness, guilt, anger, etc. Dad had his 10 day respite stay (first time) and did not fair well. Accused everyone of poisoning him and would not eat. He lost yet more weight (which he could not afford to do). I will say this, this is the first time through all of this I really did not feel guilty. He called me about three days into it and gave me a bunch of crap hoping I'd come get him. Nope, years of canceling plans to deal with his bs have taken it's toll on me. I enjoyed my 10 days EMMENSELY. It was a feeling of freedom I've never really appreciated before. I took a week off of work as well and spent most of the time with my daughter--we did all the fall Halloween stuff--apple picking, pumpkin picking and carving, corn mazes, Universal Horror nights --just an awesome time. At the end of it when I picked him up--that's when I felt a little bad. He was like a happy little kid when he saw me, knowing that he was going home. That feeling has since left--after about three days of saying he was so glad to have me taking care of him again, now it's back to the same crap. This morning he actually pissed in his empty cereal bowl because he didn't want to walk to the bathroom (perfectly capable of it) then made a mess of the bathroom later in the day that was so horrible I won't detail it. I never know what to feel. The anger is overwhelming--then the sadness over some of he horrible things that come out of my mouth. If I felt that he was totally out of it, it would be one thing, but some of this I honestly think that he does it on purpose. I know at the respite care they tired of him very quickly. It's clear that he will be one of those that goes very fast if he is placed permanently and that makes me feel horrible. Then I think of the horrible things he does here---and also how wonderful I felt when he wasn't here--I can't get a handle on how to feel. Sometimes I burst out crying and other days I yell like a banshee. It's the hardest thing I've ever dealt with and I still can't make a decision. In early December he's scheduled for another stay. I'm looking forward to it and I will make the best of it. Hang in there you all--there are no easy answers. Having hobbies on the side that you enjoy are the only true suggestions I can give on keeping sane.

OH I BEG OF YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. I HAVE BEEN CARING FOR MY MOM AND DISABLED BROTHER FOR 3 YEARS. I DO TAKE TRIPS AND TIME FOR MYSELF, BUT SAD TO SAY, MY MOM HAS ACCUSED ME OF ABUSE, VERBAL ABUSE, AND I WAS TURNED IN TO THE ADULT PROTECTIVE. AND THERE ARE NO WORDS ABOUT THE TEARS I HAVE SHED AND STILL SHED DAILY. I AM THE ONLY CHILD BESIDES MY DISABLED BROTHER, BUT MY TWO DAUGHTERS STEPPED IN AND TOOK MY MOTHERS SIDE. I FEEL LIKE THERE HAS BEEN A DEATH IN THE FAMILY. I TOOK CARE OF THEM AND NOW AM LOST, I HAVE NO FRIENDS, NO JOB AND HAVE NEVER BEEN SO LOW. I COULD NOT EXPLAIN IT TO MY DAUGHTERS BUT AS YOUR MOTHER AGES HER PERSONALIT CHANGES AND YOU LONG FOR YOUR MOTHER AND SHE IS NOT THERE MENTALLY. THE DOCTOR HAS TOLD ME BEFORE, THE CAREGIVER USUALLY GIVES OUT BEFORE THE PATIENT . I DID NOT THINK THAT COULD BE POSSIBLE BUT IT HAPPENED. I AM BITTER, SAID, LONELY AND THIS SITE I JUST FOUND HAS HELPED ME MORE IN 2 DAYS THAN ANYTHING. YOU HANG IN THERE. TAKE CARE OF YOU.............LOVE YOURSELF

Nance, I think we ALL have the crybaby problem at some point. Is your mom still in the NH? Perhaps you're still getting adjusted to that - it has to be a huge change in your life. Do you work? If she's still there and you have some extra pockets of time, why not try some volunteer stuff. There are places that can use help for just a few hours per day, and it would get you out of the house, get you meeting people. I'm still waiting on the NH bed for mom, but I have my list of volunteer organizations waiting on my desk: Habitat for Humanity (they always need office help when they aren't building homes), the local aquarium, the local humane society, the local thrift shop. Once we have our elders placed, we can still check on them and visit often, but we really need to try to get some semblance of our lives back together to lift us out of the isolation and depression. So hang in there. A wise lady once told me that we can't do any more than our best. You've done and are doing your best, so try not to beat yourself up. Hugs.

youre not a crybaby - your are stressed and/or depressed at a very real situation. The only thing you can change is your feelings about the situation which is very hard -

Since I suspect your sisters aren't losing any sleep or crying over your situation you have to find something to look forward to. It may never happen that you can harden your heart towards uncaring sisters, but I've learned to accept that if someone is a jerk, that is their problem and move on. Jerks have a way of being terribly upset if you aren't. So smile. Try to find something you enjoy and can look forward to, even if it is simple - if you start laughing your brain chemistry will start to take a turn for the better and your mood will improve. Even better if you can go outside & get a little sun, and quiet time.

Nothing new has happened, so why do I just feel like crying all the time? I think of all the happy good times and sob my eyes out.
Is this self pity? I don't feel sorry for myself, I do feel bitterness because my sisters don't come around--their above helping out.
Anyone else have the cry baby problem?

P.S., bless you Caregivers.

I heard those same words today, concerning our situation. Wow. That's a sign from above. Take care, all.

txmaggie,
You are kind and honest. What else could you ask for! You have done more than most people would have done and now it is time for the professionals to take over. Take the rest and feel no guilt!!

Teristevewags, Always trust your gut. Since you feel so strongly about your decision, it is probably the best one for you right now. If things change a lot down the road, remember that it is not an irrevocable decision. Enjoy the journey and hang onto the joy. Remember to get help when you need it. Remember to do nice things for YOU. Blessings to you.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU WHO TOOK TIME OUT OF YOUR BUSY LIVES TO HELP ME SORT OUT MY FEELINGS ABOUT THIS MOVE. i FEEL VERY STRONGLY THAT WE HAVE TO TRY THIS. IT IS NOT ONLY FOR THE FOLKS, BUT MY MIDDLE SON AND HIS FAMILY ARE LOSING THEIR HOME BECAUSE OF A LAYOFF AND THE ECONOMY, SO THEY WILL BE RENTING OUR HOME FROM US. EVERYON NEEDS OUR HELP RIGHT NOW. BAD TINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE AND OUR FAMILY HAS SURE HAD ITS SHARE LATELY.
THINGS WILL NEED TO GET BETTER FOR THE FOLKS SO THEY CAN HAVE A LITTLE OY IN THEIR LIVES BEFORE THEIR MEMORIES ARE GONE. THEY HAVE GIVEN US SO MUCH IN THEIR LIFETIMES. IT IS TIME FOR US TO GIVE BACK.
THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME TO SOUND OFF. I KNOW I WILL PROBABLY NEED IT A LOT IN THE FUTURE.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU WHO TOOK TIME OUT OF YOUR BUSY LIVES TO HELP ME SORT OUT MY FEELINGS ABOUT THIS MOVE. i FEEL VERY STRONGLY THAT WE HAVE TO TRY THIS. IT IS NOT ONLY FOR THE FOLKS, BUT MY MIDDLE SON AND HIS FAMILY ARE LOSING THEIR HOME BECAUSE OF A LAYOFF AND THE ECONOMY, SO THEY WILL BE RENTING OUR HOME FROM US. EVERYON NEEDS OUR HELP RIGHT NOW. BAD TINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE AND OUR FAMILY HAS SURE HAD ITS SHARE LATELY.
THINGS WILL NEED TO GET BETTER FOR THE FOLKS SO THEY CAN HAVE A LITTLE OY IN THEIR LIVES BEFORE THEIR MEMORIES ARE GONE. THEY HAVE GIVEN US SO MUCH IN THEIR LIFETIMES. IT IS TIME FOR US TO GIVE BACK.
THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME TO SOUND OFF. I KNOW I WILL PROBABLY NEED IT A LOT IN THE FUTURE.

Thank you, Nance. You are one of the reasons why this is such a great place to be. Sometimes all it takes is a reassuring word from someone like you to help make someone's day better.

My Mom has been in a NH for about 4 months, I just couldn't handle it any more.
She does do more there then she did before.
At first, I felt bad about it but I'm fine with it now.
She's not happy 24/7 but she wasn't before either.
She sometimes calls and cries about it, but forgets that she even called 10 minutes later.
Hope you get her settled soon and let the guilt go-we can't do more then our best.

Oh, these parent-care decisions are so difficult to make. Teristeve, my heart goes out to you. You've gotten lots of excellent advice, heard some real experiences, the pros and cons. Here's my story. I had Mom move in with us 2 years ago. She is in our house, but in a separate efficiency so we can all have our "privacy". When she first came here she was relatively independent and I could leave and she would be OK. However, time has robbed her of her vision, her hearing, her equilibrium, and a series of mini-strokes has robbed her of much of her mind. First the judgment started going. She could no longer be trusted alone because of fall risks (and refusing to use assistive devices). I gave up all of my outside life then to stay with her, basically felt like I was under house arrest in my own home. Then the memory started fading. Now she is hallucinating and talking to people at night, and sometimes during the day. She's awake all day and half the night. Medication adjustments haven't helped. The dr's answer is that it's vascular dementia and it's only going to get worse. I have a baby monitor set up so I can hear when she needs help. Unfortunately I also hear her nightly conversations. I haven't had a full night's sleep in a month now. This past weekend she tried ripping out the kitchen sink drain with a pair of scissors because she couldn't close it. Then she flooded the bathroom twice by twisting the faucet around so the water drained onto the counter and floor, rather than into the sink. She never did re-orient during the day. The doctor strongly recommends nursing home placement -says she needs 24 hr supervision and I can't do it. It's become a major safety issue for her. Two months ago he told me to consider NH placement and I resisted. Now I'm ready, oh so very ready. I have her on a waiting list and they're expecting to get her in within a month (how they can know that is beyond me). Luckily she's in hospice because of her very poor appetite and weight loss. The hospice social worker and chaplain are so supportive, said they will be here with me when I tell her we're moving her to a home, will help with the move, will stay with me for an hour or so after the move to be sure I am OK. They say to prepare for and resist the guilt load she is going to dump on me when I tell her. Friends and relatives who have put their parents in a NH all tell me it was the best move for them, that their parents did so much better, their relationships with their parents were better because they could visit and enjoy and not work so darned hard all the time being a nurse's aide/laundry lady, cook, housekeeper, etc for their parent. Am I loaded with guilt for putting her in a home? Yes, sometimes, when she is coherent. No, not when I'm going down the outside stairs at 3 am in the cold pouring rain, hoping I don't fall and break a bone (I have osteoporosis). Would I do it again? Probably not. The toll it has taken on me, both emotionally and physically, has been tremendous. The toll it has taken on the relationship with my mother has been tremendous. I'm hoping she has enough coherent days left in the NH to heal the damage that's been done.

A very good friend lives with her daughter and family-she has her own space which is a large room with her own bathroom and she has room for her stuff and it is like a small apartment and she is very happy another friend kept her house when her husband died and now one of her children and family had to move in her home-she in independent so it was not for her they live there and she is not happy and has almost no privacy so it really depends on a lot of things but if you do not get along over the years it will not get better living together generally

As most of you are saying, every situation is so different. That's why it's so wonderful to have you all giving your opinions. In the end, we have to look at what seems right for us and our families.

There is a great deal of wisdom in getting the end-of-life paperwork done long before any emergency arises. Thankfully, Austin's son helped save her from a financial disaster. Work with trusted companies. Check with the State Bar Association if you are looking into an attorney and don't have other references.

As far as elders moving in with you - that is very, very touchy and personal. For some, it's the very best move. For others, it's a disaster. It is something that must be carefully considered, because it's harder to "undo" once you've done it than it is to not make the move in the first place. If everyone can have some privacy and there is mutual respect, it
often works well. But when family dynamics aren't good to begin with, it rarely works out.

You are all so generous in sharing your experiences so people can read through and see what situation most closely fits theirs. Thanks for being such caring people.

Carol

There comes a time when you need to think of yourself-I had reached that point with my husband and had felt his mind was affected and I was right when he became criticial he had gross brain damage and had made the decision to place him after 15 times in rehab within a few years and he was very ill-as I knew and died 3 days after his last hospital admission-no one would listen to me how sick he was and dementia had started-the social worker said I was wrong-we were married almost 47 years and I did not know what was true according to the experts - I was proved right-you have to listen to your feelings-we lost him almost 4 months ago and the details and paperwork are overwhelming and someone I thought was being helpful getting me my benifts had a motive-now I know why they say not to make any major decisions for a year-I almost signed away my major savings to an agent who was "helping me" I was lucky that my son pointed out to me some things and saved me a big mistake -be very careful what you agree to during the months following a death-go very slowly and get other opions.

Look, it is a personal decision. Every family is different and the care every elder needs is different. For every person who posts don't do it, there is someone who says we'll support you if you want to try. All you can do is consider your own situation and that of your family, which includes your elder. There is alot of research to show that people do live longer and are happier at home - but if you have a rocky relationship it may never work.

Lately I've read several postings from people who poured their hearts out after losing their elder - be it spouse or parent. You might want to consider what you really want at the end of the day - and start end of life planning at the same time you are making where they live decisions. It may end up saving you untold grief and possibly even recriminations after they are gone. Just be honest with yourself and don't be seduced by someone else's story when you will have to live with your own. If it means long term care, so be it - if it means pissing off your surly teenager and keeping mom at home, so be it. If it means armtwisting siblings to help go for it - just remember to focus on the end, not the now.

Teristeve - don't do it! I live with my mom in a lovely little house on 5+acres. I have been here for a year and my health is being threatened. Mom is 94 and in Stage 6 of Alz. My blood pressure used to be 120 and today at the doctors it was 144 (I always forget the "over" numbers) My heart rate is now in the 80's where it used to be 60 to 70. It is stress and resentment. My life has been taken away from me. I used to take ballet classes three times a week, help run an art gallery, paint...well, let's just say I was extremely active. In theory you are doing a wonderful, selfless thing for your inlaws but also putting yourself at hell's door. Have you exhausted every other alternative? Spoken to social workers? Lawyers? Is your husband still working? That means most everything will be on your shoulders. Siblings may be supportive but when it comes down to brass tacks it is usually a different story. Think it over again, dear heart. You see on these pages what others go though. Your inlaws can only get worse and worse. I wish you only the very best from the bottom of my heart.

As a nurse in a long term care facility, and having friends with elderly parents, I see both sides of this coin. Many times I have sat with adult children or hugged them as they made the decision to place their parents in long term or assisted living facilities. I have heard, we didn't want to do this, people will think we don't care or I feel horrible so the guilt of feeling sometimes put upon or the guilt of placing them in a home is fifty/fifty. First, remember, you also need to have a life. There are people who can help, there are adult day care facilities like pre school children have, there are senior citizen facilities where they can go to play bingo or cards or spend time with others their age. I have a very dear friend who was taking care of her father, no matter what, she was not going to allow him to be placed and he refused to go to the senior citizens group. My husband and I even kept her dad a few times so they could go out. Eventually it became evident that she had no choice, her own health was suffering. They found a wonderful assisted living facility and he is as happy as can be there. Her decision was a good one. It is honorable, your dedication, but reach out there are ways to cope with this. If you allow yourself to get sick, then what? You will not be a bad person if you do this, they will still have their independence and someone to care for them and you can still be there for them, most facilities allow the residents to leave for dinners, or overnight trips home. But whatever you do, keep reaching out, you also need support. jays mom

did not get to bring dad home today . got me all fired up , they were saying if i got himout ofthere then insurance wont pay for this , etc . so giving him another week . oh boy ,,,
i can just hear dad get all upset . which im leavin here soon to go see him . very upsetting...

THINK!!!! How long will they last in their home even with you there with them?? I stopped letting my parents make decisions a long time ago. I realized that they could no longer make wise and thoughtful choices and could only think of themselves. I guess it comes with age.

You are uprooting your lives to accommodate them, and that is commendable. However, this is not going to be easy. Take the picture in your mind and triple the stress and loss of privacy and independence. If they were in hospice and had a limited time left, then of course, this would be a no brainer.

From the way that you described them, they are just set in their ways and are happy to have you do a 180 rather than bend a little to make things easier for you. My parents refused to leave their home. Dad died at 92 and 4 months later mom was made to move in with us. No way was I leaving my home. Six months later a contractor bought her home and tore it down since it was such a mess. It could not be remodeled. This was do to the fact that they stayed in the home too long and could not keep up with it!!!!!!!!!

Also, the out of state siblings are supportive. Of course; they are not disrupting their lives and are relived that you two will do it for them!!!!!!!! See if they will take turns and measure their reactions. I could never do what you are planning to do, but you have our support. I just think that there has to be a better way. Do you two have POA? for banking and real estate? See a lawyer immediately, one who is an elder lawyer who knows how to set up a trust!! This way you can protect their money. Good luck.
Linda

I had moved into my parents home about 2 years ago. It has been a nitemare ever since . Please think twice about it . Once you are there, you will not be able to leave due to a lot of guilt. The only way you will be able to have a life again is if ( sorry for saying this) but if they pass. I now am just facing that I will not be able to have a life until then. I l;ove them very much , but please think twice before doing this biggest step of your life . Good luck . I know you'll make the wright decision. Go with your heart.

I read and reread everyone's venting on here and it saddens me that life gets so difficult when for all of you when all you are trying to do is take good care of your folks in their time of need.

It also scares the beejeebies out of me because my husband and I are preparing to move in with his parents because they are having health problems and totally refuse to move out of their home. He built this house 55 years ago and they have always lived here. They have accumulated "stuff" for all of this time, too.
It is getting so hard to maintain their house and yard and personal selves and go home and try to take care of my own home.
We are moving from a 3300 sq foot house to a 1000 sq ft of space. We are going to rent our home out, pack and move most of our stuff to a storage unit and live in their basement, which has to be remodeled. Now it is just a basement. We are having the tiles tested for asbestos. It will need about $10000 worht or updates just so we can live down there. But we are basically saving them a lot of money from having to pay for assisted living.
My dilemna now is that I am getting very nervous about this and even though my heart tells me it is the right thing to do, my head tells me that "I am crazy" and so do my friends. My kids and my husbands siblings (who live out of state) are supportive.
Do any of you have any positive feedback or a good suggestions? I would appreciate hearing from you.

Bless you, lhardbeck, and bless your heart! Ddarkangel, too.

HI YOU ALL .. WENT TO SEE DAD TODAY , SAYS HE DONT FEEL GOOD AND WANTS TO HOME HOME . I TOL DHIM TMR MORNING YOURE COMING HOME . BLESS HIS HEART MY HEART JUST ACHE , I JUST PICTURE MYSELF IN THAT BED AND ALL SCARY LONELY . GEEEZE HE DOES NEEDS TO BE AT HOME WITH HIS FAMILY THAT LOVES HIM .
DDARKANGEL , CHECK IN SOON , MISS HEARING FROM YOU ..

Darkangel I know this is very hard for you but with hospice you know she is in good hands and you have done all you could and that will be a comfort to you when she leaves this world to go to be with the Lord and will be at peace and that will give you the peace you need and she is ready for life after death her suffering will be at an end and she will be at peace as my husband is finally when he stopped going to PT at the nursing home I knew he was ready he wanted to go on and I did tell him it was allright to leave and to go to be with his lord and I felt like I and our adult children did the right thing taking him off the life support meds and have no regrets.

At least you all know that you are doing all you can and more for your loved ones most of the time with no help and someday that will be such a relieft for you when they are gone-it was with me after he died I knew I had done all that was possible and have no quilt feelings now and am able to start the rest of my life and will never forget the special caregivers I met here.