I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
I am having a bad day and just need to vent I guess. I am having a hard time with the fact that my mother is starting to forget names. Christmas Day went very well with her, but the day after I cried all day long.
She got up the next mornig and ask me who the girl and boy was that came over last night. Well it was her grandson (my son) and his girlfriend of four years. I told her who it was and she did not remember them. Then later she said I thought that was who they were but not for sure. She doesn't remember her homemaker anymore and we have had her for a year now and she comes 5 days a week.
This is one more step in mom's care that I must cope with and how many more to come. I am tired and exhausted. I know my problems are not as bad as others, but it still hurts down deep in the soul. As usual I feel I get no support from my family. They have all kind of excuses for not giving me a break. I should be use to that by now. So I say "I don't care, I will handle this by myself." That did work for a while, but I have days it does not work any more. I believe I am starting to get panic attacks or anxiety. I do need a break.....
Thanks for listening to me.
I have all caregivers in my prayers and thoughts.
Most of this is not personal, but it still hurts. Detaching is a coping skill for the caregiver. Sometimes the repetition is a coping tool for the elder. They are trying to figure things out, but it can drive the caregiver nuts.
Carol
mismiley, When "J" starts talking about dieing, hers is self pity. I think she feels worthless at times as she was always a very hard working woman. She can do lots of things but just won't. We are taking her to the Dr. after the first of the year, I feel she is over medicated and gets tired very easily.There is no reassuring her when she does, what I call her "circle thinking". It just goes in a circle, over and over. She says the same thing until I want to run out the door. That is when I get busy in the other room, go outside for a few minutes, whatever I have to do to get a break from it. Sometimes she can be sidetracked, most times not. So my heart goes out to you . I can only wonder what I am going to say over and over. I've already told my son he can throw marshmallows at me. He'll relieve his frustration and won't leave any bruises! And please before anyone takes that last statement literal, it was only a joke.
Well, we made through Christmas. Grandma is still worrying about the cat. We keep telling her that the cat is cat sleeps all day and plays all night. I think that she thinks the cat should be up when Grandma is up and sleep when she sleeps. I don't want Grandma think that I'm "Mrs. Smarty Pants", but I'm getting to the point where I want to write that down for her so Grandma will read it. I know that it's driving my husband nuts when Grandma ask about the cat. I know pets are good therpy, but shoot this is driving me crazy. We were suppose to get a dog, but that didn't work out, and if it did the cat would really hide. So I'm just about ready to throw my hands in the air and say I'm just done dealing with and start wearing ear plugs so I don't have to hear it anymore.
Grandma keeps saying that she won't be around much longer. In fact she's been saying that for a weeks. When we ask her why is she saying that she tells us I don't know.
Well thanks for letting rattle off.
I think the improvement that you are not crushed every time your mother wants something is a step in the right direction. I am not sure what the long term solution is, but I hesitate to repeatedly say "I do not care." It may make me hard-hearted, so I know that is not what I am trying to achieve. I want to care, but not be invested in my identity as the one who must take care of someone. In my mind, I sometimes use "whatever." That is like whatever happens, I am okay. Whatever happens, this is only a temporary situation. I don't want to react in anger, because then I am bogged down in that. I often wait to respond and even wait till the person repeats the question. I may even ignore the first request, especially if I am in the middle of something like pouring milk or transferring food. I try to find a safe place to reply. It also gives me time to think which is often the difference between an angry reaction or a quiet measured response that is strategically much better for me, because I have less reaction to deal with by the other person. I know it isn't easy, but this calls for a long range strategy, not only a temporary fix. I can learn to cope with another person needing care is my belief, without sacrificing my whole life. I am still working on this, so it is a work in progress.
Stillsongs
I too tried that method. I kept telling myself I don't Care and it work's. We are not super women and cant do everything that is asked of us. Hang in there it will all work out. Just keep praying.
CLL007
Sounds like you are taking care of yourself. I sometimes have trouble sleeping and try a little chamomile or peppermint tea made very strong and it really helps mellow me out. I also enjoy putting on some of my favorite music as I lay down at night and shut out the lights. I listen to a song or two, but rarely do I have to change to a new cd because I listened to the whole thing. I turn the volume down so I can hear it but so it is very soft and does not keep me up.
I am also big on naps when I don't get enough sleep. 15 minutes and it helps me keep going.
Have a joyful Christmas. Glad you have plans for the weekend. I am going for a short trip to have Christmas dinner with old friends. Enjoy!
Stillsongs
I am famous for saying the wrong thing. I guess there are some days when I can stand anything that comes up. But then somedays, I pursure a path because I am tired of trying to always say the right thing. Why can't the other person be more reasonable? Well I guess they can't so I try to act like a parent with a child. It isn't easy because it is not the same.
But what I need is some time to get away where I am not on call. In some states, they have organizations called ELDER SERVICES. Seniors can qualify depending on the local rules. Google ELDER SERVICES and your state and you may get some good links. The point is to try to get someone else helping at least for some period during the week. What about a visit to the senior center? I don't know what is possible. Some way, some how, caregivers need to find a way to find time to have a life, even some kind of a life that allows us to feel alive. Coming back from that rest, it is more possible.
Stillsongs
PS Here is a song that speaks to that
A Quiet Place
by Ralph Carmichael.
.
There is a quiet place
Far from the rapid pace
Where God can soothe my troubled mind.
.
Sheltered by tree and flower
There in my quiet hour
With him my cares are left behind.
.
Whether a garden small,
Or on a mountain tall
New strength and courage there I find.
.
And then from that quiet place
I go prepared to face
A new day with love for all mankind.
Hope this helps.
Barb
Well, we took Grandma to the dr., and the doc put her on Aricept because she couldn't remember that she had the flu shot. The doc was going to put her on depression meds for her crying everyday for the sundown syndrome, but didn't cause he didn't want to start to different meds at the same time.
Grandma has become more mouthly than ever. She still worries about her cat. This past Sunday she inisted that we give the cat a little bowl of warm milk. I told her that the cat don't drink milk whether it's warm or not. Grandma then cussed me out and said that things are going to change around here soon and then she stormed off to her room. The last 2 days she and my husband has gotten into it. She has nightlights in her bedroom and bathroom. Early Tuesday morning, she set her Lifeline off by trying to turn her nightlight on, and then last night she told my husband that she never had a night until recently. My husband told her to turn on her nightlight and she got really lippy with him. It's really getting frustrating.
My sister-in-law only lives less than a mile from us and she don't even offer to help us. We do have my aunt and his niece come over and help us with grandma.
Does anyone here have any experience with the Aricept?
Thanks
Happy Holidays
Thank you for your posts. It is always good to know someone else is reading what you share and benefiting from the experience of sharing common ground. Just knowing someone else is going through some of the pain and anxiety I muddle through makes my life a little less isolated.
Stillsongs
I HAVE TWO LITTLE YORKIES THAT LIGHT UP MINE AND MY MOTHERS LIFE. WHEN THE GOING GET'S TOUGH AROUND HERE THEY ENTERTAIN US AND GIVE US MORE LOVE THAN ANY ONE PERSON CAN ASK FOR. MY MALE SLEEPS RIGHT ON MOM'S LAP ALL THE TIME AS IF HE IS PROTECTING HER. THEY PUT A SMILE ON HER FACE MANY TIMES A DAY. SHE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL FOR OVER A MONTH AND COME HOME TWO WEEKS AGO. ALL SHE KEPT TELLING ME IN THE HOSPITAL IS I WANT TO GO HOME TO BE WITH "MY BABIES".. TO HELL WITH ME. HA HA HA!.. WITHOUT THOSE TWO I DONT KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO.
I GAVE MOM A BELL TO RING WHEN SHE NEEDS TO GO POTTY OR NEEDS SOMETHING. DURING THE NIGHT I AM A VERY VERY SOUND SLEEPER AND I FEARED I WOULD NOT HEAR THE BELL AT ALL.. BUT MY SWEET BABIES CAME TO MY RESCUE. THE MINUTE THE BELL RINGS THEY START BARKING AND ARE IN MOMS ROOM BEFORE I GET THERE.... GOD DOES PROVIDE WAYS TO HELP ALONG THE WAY AND I BELIEVE MY TWO LITTLE CRITTERS ARE SIMPLY ANGELS THAT HELP ME AND MOM ALONG HER JOURNEY HOME. ...
JUDI
Barb
Among my seven elders, several had problems with depression.
Your advice is good. If you have a spiritual group of any kind, that will help. Meditation helps me. There are so many forms of meditation - I think every one is unique. I've found what works for me, but I can still "get the crazies." Then I know I need more time to myself and more time to meditate and pray.
Thanks for your wonderful post.
Carol
Over the last year I have felt myself in various states of frustration and exhaustion. I find myself taking 15 minute naps a couple times a day or listening to peaceful music that calms me just to survive and not fall into the dark state of mind.
It is important to take my mental emotional pulse. Looking back, there were times I almost went into depression or exhaustion myself. I am learning what it feels like to get into overload and find a safe way to bring myself back. Music and relaxation and having a time to do some activity away from the house, even if I have to hire someone or while my loved one is in the hospital. In fact during hospitalization, I treated it as a time to nurse myself back to health. It kept me from going beyond what I could handle.
Stillsongs
CLL007( Cindy )
MY HEARTFELT SYMPATHY GOES OUT TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. WE OF COURSE WILL ALL CONTINUE TO KEEP YOU IN OUR PRAYERS. KEEP COMINING BACK TO THIS SITE. YOUR BURDENS WILL BE LIFTED THROUGH CONVERSATIONS WITH ALL THE WONDERFUL FOLKS ON THIS SITE.
JUDI
So sorry to hear about your husband. My thoughts and prayers are with you. God Bless you and your family.
Carol
know we are here for you now and always,
Cat
Our thoughts are with you and we are here for you whenever you need to talk.
Barb