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Hello everyone,
I am having a bad day and just need to vent I guess. I am having a hard time with the fact that my mother is starting to forget names. Christmas Day went very well with her, but the day after I cried all day long.
She got up the next mornig and ask me who the girl and boy was that came over last night. Well it was her grandson (my son) and his girlfriend of four years. I told her who it was and she did not remember them. Then later she said I thought that was who they were but not for sure. She doesn't remember her homemaker anymore and we have had her for a year now and she comes 5 days a week.
This is one more step in mom's care that I must cope with and how many more to come. I am tired and exhausted. I know my problems are not as bad as others, but it still hurts down deep in the soul. As usual I feel I get no support from my family. They have all kind of excuses for not giving me a break. I should be use to that by now. So I say "I don't care, I will handle this by myself." That did work for a while, but I have days it does not work any more. I believe I am starting to get panic attacks or anxiety. I do need a break.....
Thanks for listening to me.
I have all caregivers in my prayers and thoughts.
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This "detaching" from what they are doing is a great survival tool. It's hard, but we can detach and walk away when we have to. Protecting ourselves is important. It's a lesson I'm still trying to learn, but I've improved.

Most of this is not personal, but it still hurts. Detaching is a coping skill for the caregiver. Sometimes the repetition is a coping tool for the elder. They are trying to figure things out, but it can drive the caregiver nuts.
Carol
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MineraPearl, I also say I don't care, to myself, in my head. It helps me to not take things personal just for that moment. I will care about her, her needs, her health, but have to say things to myself that deflect her hurtful words. Do whatever works for you. This is a very hard job and we have to do things that we would not ordinarily do just to cope. You hang in there and keep taking care of yourself.

mismiley, When "J" starts talking about dieing, hers is self pity. I think she feels worthless at times as she was always a very hard working woman. She can do lots of things but just won't. We are taking her to the Dr. after the first of the year, I feel she is over medicated and gets tired very easily.There is no reassuring her when she does, what I call her "circle thinking". It just goes in a circle, over and over. She says the same thing until I want to run out the door. That is when I get busy in the other room, go outside for a few minutes, whatever I have to do to get a break from it. Sometimes she can be sidetracked, most times not. So my heart goes out to you . I can only wonder what I am going to say over and over. I've already told my son he can throw marshmallows at me. He'll relieve his frustration and won't leave any bruises! And please before anyone takes that last statement literal, it was only a joke.
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Thank-you Barb, I wrote that medication's name down so I can remember it.

Well, we made through Christmas. Grandma is still worrying about the cat. We keep telling her that the cat is cat sleeps all day and plays all night. I think that she thinks the cat should be up when Grandma is up and sleep when she sleeps. I don't want Grandma think that I'm "Mrs. Smarty Pants", but I'm getting to the point where I want to write that down for her so Grandma will read it. I know that it's driving my husband nuts when Grandma ask about the cat. I know pets are good therpy, but shoot this is driving me crazy. We were suppose to get a dog, but that didn't work out, and if it did the cat would really hide. So I'm just about ready to throw my hands in the air and say I'm just done dealing with and start wearing ear plugs so I don't have to hear it anymore.
Grandma keeps saying that she won't be around much longer. In fact she's been saying that for a weeks. When we ask her why is she saying that she tells us I don't know.
Well thanks for letting rattle off.
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MineraPearl,
I think the improvement that you are not crushed every time your mother wants something is a step in the right direction. I am not sure what the long term solution is, but I hesitate to repeatedly say "I do not care." It may make me hard-hearted, so I know that is not what I am trying to achieve. I want to care, but not be invested in my identity as the one who must take care of someone. In my mind, I sometimes use "whatever." That is like whatever happens, I am okay. Whatever happens, this is only a temporary situation. I don't want to react in anger, because then I am bogged down in that. I often wait to respond and even wait till the person repeats the question. I may even ignore the first request, especially if I am in the middle of something like pouring milk or transferring food. I try to find a safe place to reply. It also gives me time to think which is often the difference between an angry reaction or a quiet measured response that is strategically much better for me, because I have less reaction to deal with by the other person. I know it isn't easy, but this calls for a long range strategy, not only a temporary fix. I can learn to cope with another person needing care is my belief, without sacrificing my whole life. I am still working on this, so it is a work in progress.
Stillsongs
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MineraPearl,
I too tried that method. I kept telling myself I don't Care and it work's. We are not super women and cant do everything that is asked of us. Hang in there it will all work out. Just keep praying.
CLL007
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Hi Everyone - Prayers have been answered or are being answered LOL. A co-worker here also has her mom living with her. We talked & she said - Just inside my head say I don't care - don't take the whole world on my shoulders - don't try to change mom to get her to quick trying to change me - it's like a big circle. I did it! Today whatever mom was asking or saying, my inside voice nicely said I DO NOT CARE. Woah, what a wonderful stress reliever. NO more trying to get her to stop trying to change me. If she upsets me, I'm going to look inside to what my hot button is - not blaming her for making me feel bad. does that make sense?
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Hey everyone this is Barb I want to wish everyone a MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HOPEFULLY A BETTER AND HAPPIER NEW YEAR!!!
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I'm listening to Joyce Meyer
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MineraPearl,
Sounds like you are taking care of yourself. I sometimes have trouble sleeping and try a little chamomile or peppermint tea made very strong and it really helps mellow me out. I also enjoy putting on some of my favorite music as I lay down at night and shut out the lights. I listen to a song or two, but rarely do I have to change to a new cd because I listened to the whole thing. I turn the volume down so I can hear it but so it is very soft and does not keep me up.
I am also big on naps when I don't get enough sleep. 15 minutes and it helps me keep going.
Have a joyful Christmas. Glad you have plans for the weekend. I am going for a short trip to have Christmas dinner with old friends. Enjoy!
Stillsongs
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stillsongs, Thanks that was a pretty song. Now I am sitting her and my female cat is asleep on the chair by me. I had a good dinner. Having breakfast tomorrow with a good friend. When I don't get my sleep (2 nights in a row) I must catch up so it's 7pm and I'm in my pj's and will find a nice Christmas movie. It's wonderful to be able to talk to friends here. I have lots I can do this weekend and I plan to enjoy myself.
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MineraPearl,
I am famous for saying the wrong thing. I guess there are some days when I can stand anything that comes up. But then somedays, I pursure a path because I am tired of trying to always say the right thing. Why can't the other person be more reasonable? Well I guess they can't so I try to act like a parent with a child. It isn't easy because it is not the same.
But what I need is some time to get away where I am not on call. In some states, they have organizations called ELDER SERVICES. Seniors can qualify depending on the local rules. Google ELDER SERVICES and your state and you may get some good links. The point is to try to get someone else helping at least for some period during the week. What about a visit to the senior center? I don't know what is possible. Some way, some how, caregivers need to find a way to find time to have a life, even some kind of a life that allows us to feel alive. Coming back from that rest, it is more possible.
Stillsongs
PS Here is a song that speaks to that
A Quiet Place
by Ralph Carmichael.
.
There is a quiet place
Far from the rapid pace
Where God can soothe my troubled mind.
.
Sheltered by tree and flower
There in my quiet hour
With him my cares are left behind.
.
Whether a garden small,
Or on a mountain tall
New strength and courage there I find.
.
And then from that quiet place
I go prepared to face
A new day with love for all mankind.
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Hi All, I am ok. Wanted to pop in and say I had a great evening out last night, stayed out later than usual. Didn't sleep a wink. This morning I am off work and went into the kitchen, asked mom if she wanted breakfast. She said are you going to eat too? WHY does that bug me? I said mom if you eat I don't have to eat at the same time (oh I said the wrong thing again according to her), she had a hissy fit & silently got up and left the room. I in the meantime made cream of wheat for 2 and put a bowl at her place. Later I came in the room and she was eating cold cereal. She said "I am not a dog or cat and you treat me that way here is your food". I know we have mis communications. I don't want to eat with mom. 3 meals a day 7 days a week. Any suggestions. Oh, did I say I'm beat and I need to go back to bed, There is a house for sale 2 houses down - I'm thinking about calling the owner to see how $$ they are asking. I need my space!!!
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Hi , My mom was on Aricept when she was first diagnosed with Alzheimers'. It made her physical. My dads' brother passed away and we were at his daughters house after the funeral. Mom went with us,she was fine until we were ready to leave I went to get her and she slapped me in the face. I called her doctor and he told me quit giving it to her. She mellowed out a little,then started to got forgetful and wanting to go home. I called the doctor again and he started her on a patch called Excelon. That was a god sent. Ask her doctor about it. You put in on her back every morning.
Hope this helps.
Barb
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Hi everyone,
Well, we took Grandma to the dr., and the doc put her on Aricept because she couldn't remember that she had the flu shot. The doc was going to put her on depression meds for her crying everyday for the sundown syndrome, but didn't cause he didn't want to start to different meds at the same time.
Grandma has become more mouthly than ever. She still worries about her cat. This past Sunday she inisted that we give the cat a little bowl of warm milk. I told her that the cat don't drink milk whether it's warm or not. Grandma then cussed me out and said that things are going to change around here soon and then she stormed off to her room. The last 2 days she and my husband has gotten into it. She has nightlights in her bedroom and bathroom. Early Tuesday morning, she set her Lifeline off by trying to turn her nightlight on, and then last night she told my husband that she never had a night until recently. My husband told her to turn on her nightlight and she got really lippy with him. It's really getting frustrating.
My sister-in-law only lives less than a mile from us and she don't even offer to help us. We do have my aunt and his niece come over and help us with grandma.

Does anyone here have any experience with the Aricept?
Thanks

Happy Holidays
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Roxie, I feel your pain and frustration. It's good that you come to this website and get advice from so many different people. Well your life is out of control. You are depressed. You also are having cying spells. Don't stop those crying spells thaey are good for you. I encourage to talk to your husband, and anyone else. You need a brake to clear your mind and focuse on you. Hang in there and you are in my prayers.
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Mindingourelders and barbees,
Thank you for your posts. It is always good to know someone else is reading what you share and benefiting from the experience of sharing common ground. Just knowing someone else is going through some of the pain and anxiety I muddle through makes my life a little less isolated.
Stillsongs
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HEY BARB,
I HAVE TWO LITTLE YORKIES THAT LIGHT UP MINE AND MY MOTHERS LIFE. WHEN THE GOING GET'S TOUGH AROUND HERE THEY ENTERTAIN US AND GIVE US MORE LOVE THAN ANY ONE PERSON CAN ASK FOR. MY MALE SLEEPS RIGHT ON MOM'S LAP ALL THE TIME AS IF HE IS PROTECTING HER. THEY PUT A SMILE ON HER FACE MANY TIMES A DAY. SHE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL FOR OVER A MONTH AND COME HOME TWO WEEKS AGO. ALL SHE KEPT TELLING ME IN THE HOSPITAL IS I WANT TO GO HOME TO BE WITH "MY BABIES".. TO HELL WITH ME. HA HA HA!.. WITHOUT THOSE TWO I DONT KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO.
I GAVE MOM A BELL TO RING WHEN SHE NEEDS TO GO POTTY OR NEEDS SOMETHING. DURING THE NIGHT I AM A VERY VERY SOUND SLEEPER AND I FEARED I WOULD NOT HEAR THE BELL AT ALL.. BUT MY SWEET BABIES CAME TO MY RESCUE. THE MINUTE THE BELL RINGS THEY START BARKING AND ARE IN MOMS ROOM BEFORE I GET THERE.... GOD DOES PROVIDE WAYS TO HELP ALONG THE WAY AND I BELIEVE MY TWO LITTLE CRITTERS ARE SIMPLY ANGELS THAT HELP ME AND MOM ALONG HER JOURNEY HOME. ...
JUDI
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Stillsongs,My relief valve are my animals,I'm an avid animal lover/rescuer I've rescued two horses, 13 cats, 3 dogs, 11 pygmy goats so far. When I know that I'm starting to get bumbed out I go out with them. They are so happy to see me ,it just gives you goose bumps.And some of the stuff they do can be pretty funny. So by the time I come back in I'm pretty well calmmed down. They say that animals are good theripy.They are right. I don't know what i'd do without mine.

Barb
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Stillsongs, I did the same thing. We must take time to take care of ourselves, or we will sink into the black hole. My son has depression among other health problems, so I know how hard it is to cope with a loved one's depression.

Among my seven elders, several had problems with depression.

Your advice is good. If you have a spiritual group of any kind, that will help. Meditation helps me. There are so many forms of meditation - I think every one is unique. I've found what works for me, but I can still "get the crazies." Then I know I need more time to myself and more time to meditate and pray.

Thanks for your wonderful post.
Carol
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I guess I share the feeling of frustration when things are going bad. I am the caregiver of my friend that is estranged from family and suffering from depression. It isn't easy being a sole caregiver and do all the financial, medical and legal paperwork. With sick people this can be substantial.
Over the last year I have felt myself in various states of frustration and exhaustion. I find myself taking 15 minute naps a couple times a day or listening to peaceful music that calms me just to survive and not fall into the dark state of mind.
It is important to take my mental emotional pulse. Looking back, there were times I almost went into depression or exhaustion myself. I am learning what it feels like to get into overload and find a safe way to bring myself back. Music and relaxation and having a time to do some activity away from the house, even if I have to hire someone or while my loved one is in the hospital. In fact during hospitalization, I treated it as a time to nurse myself back to health. It kept me from going beyond what I could handle.
Stillsongs
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Auntie, my thoughts and prayers are with you, may god bless you and know you are in my prayers. sandy
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So sorry Auntie to hear about your husband. My thoughts and prayer's are with u and your Family. God Bless
CLL007( Cindy )
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DEAR AUNTIE,
MY HEARTFELT SYMPATHY GOES OUT TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. WE OF COURSE WILL ALL CONTINUE TO KEEP YOU IN OUR PRAYERS. KEEP COMINING BACK TO THIS SITE. YOUR BURDENS WILL BE LIFTED THROUGH CONVERSATIONS WITH ALL THE WONDERFUL FOLKS ON THIS SITE.
JUDI
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Dear AuntieCedent,

So sorry to hear about your husband. My thoughts and prayers are with you. God Bless you and your family.
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We are here to support you in the only way we can. We can "listen" through the written word. And our thoughts and prayers go with you.
Carol
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Thoughts and prayers are with you AuntieCedent, we are here for you.
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My goodness Auntie. I've stared at that post for over an hour and I still don't know what to say. I wish your husband peace and you comfort. Like everyone has said, we are here for you.
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Dear AuntieCedent,

know we are here for you now and always,

Cat
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Dear Auntie,

Our thoughts are with you and we are here for you whenever you need to talk.
Barb
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