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The hospital just called. My husband is dead.
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Dear Auntiecedent,
I know what you mean. My dad , 2 brothers and sister and I were never really close but I would give anything to see or even hear their voices again. I think that's why I'm holding on to mom so.


Take Care
Barb
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I just came home from the hospital for a few hours. My husband is in a Level 3 coma. Treasure those you care for, even if they drive you crazy now and then. They won't be there forever, and the opportunity to show your love wil be gone.
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Way to go, Noodlehead!!! Isn't amazing what they can do on their own. I asked her if she wanted to help me sweep the other day, No, she just didn't feel like it. That evening she was out RAKING THE YARD!! I just have to get off the roller coaster every now and then, get my perspective back, and laugh when I can. Glad to hear you are doing better with all this. Hang in there. Cyber-hugs and have a good weekend.
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Reading all of these posts, I guess I'm blessed only to have the gripes that I do. My brother and his wife had a chat with her at Thanksgiving when they visited about things and how she could work WITH me rather than me work FOR her. I've also learned not to be such a softy since she is so strong willed and manipulative. I realized who was actually in control of this situation and it's ME once I got rubber sheets :D

She's been managing to let me sleep in the early morning by hopping into her wheelchair and getting herself to the bathroom. Then she rolls along to the TV room, all by herself. I guess knowing she could do this the entire time frustrated me into a form of depression from sleep deprivation :D Thanks to my sneaky brother and his dropping of hints :)

Also, I'm going into the hospital soon and her options are either go to a Senior "resort" for a short time, or have caregivers twice a day come feed/potty her and she'll fend for herself in between. She doesn't want to go to the "resort" so is trying to show me she can fend for herself. I make her do just that during the day which is making her physically stronger and she is finding out she can do more than she thought.

Like I said, these ole buzzards are CRAFTY!!!

Will keep you all posted!!

Good luck to all of you and hang in there. Be strong and communicate. Communication with us, your church, a good friend. It all helps to air out issues so you can see more clearly what exactly the issues are.

Hugs!!
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Hi no posts for me recently well a whole 24 hours so going through withdrawal, so I thought I would stop in and say Hi to all of you and let you know I am praying and thinking of you and your loved ones. Just got a call from one of the hospital employees has a time sensitive item for me how sweet, I am so blessed that so many people do think of me and do nice things for me so see it does come back to us not always when we need it the most but it comes. Have a restful day if you can and take time for you don't forget hot bath, candle, music, hot chocolate or tea or wine whatever the ladies pleasure is. neon
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Now that I have cooled down some, here are practical suggestions.

Round up your husband, kids, and, if possible, your siblings. Go over on a week-end to clean out that house and spray the bugs. Clean up the dogs and either take them home to one of your houses, or to a no-kill shelter. Call Meals on Wheels. Grocery shop for things that it's easy for your mother to prepare. Do the laundry. Wash and style your mothers hair.

You will be surprised how much better this will make you feel about yourself, your life, and your mother. (and your siblings, if they chip in with help. Maybe they just need to be shown what needs to be done. Some jobs just seem too big, until you start them.) It will also be a great lesson to your kids about service to others.

If you are a religious person, this is what your god would have you do. If you are not a religious person, this is simply the ethical thing to do. Humans have a responsibility to one another.
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You're a strong woman, Auntie, and it's always great to hear from you. I don't think you offended anyone. Some people are in postitions where childhood abuse was so bad that they can only do so much without endangering their own health. But for most of us, it is true, if we don't like it, change it. And our children (eventually) will probably model our behavior.

Keep contributing. We have such a great group of people, and you are certainly one of them.
Carol
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I know my little story with it's nasty moral may have offended some, but the moral is true. And, oddly enough, I know whereof I speak. After taking care of my mother for seventeen years ( while also taking care of my family) I took care of my brother, who DID live in a packrat house, and it did have bugs, Solution is: clean the house, spray the bugs. I did this while taking care of my own home and family, so it can be done. Now I take care of my extremely ill husband ( who tomorrow may lose his other leg) The thing is, if things aren't the way they should be, do something about it.
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I know what you mean, when my dad passed away my brother and younger sister became POA's for mom they decided that mom couldn't stay in her home by herself anymore and were going to sell her house. My sister already had a buyer for it. This house is our family home, we've lived here since 1960.So my older sister moved in and took care of mom. Then my sister got sick. She passed away in 2001 of cancer. My brother never went to see her the whole time she was sick,he said there was too many hard feelings . Can you imagine how my sister felt knowing that her brother would say that? So now it's my turn to help mom only this time I asked them if I were to buy the house how much would it be? They didn't know that I had already made arrangements to buy it I just needed a price. So I bought it now they can't use that excuse. She lives with me until her time comes. My daughter,who worked in a home also, lives here along with her two daughters the oldest is going to college to be a nurse the youngest is a senior.So let them try to say the mom isn't getting the right care.Now we found out that my brother has terminal cancer of the brain the Dr. say between 6 months to a year.He left his family (2 kids) when they were very young and married a woman that had 2 kids of her own. His new wife completely alienated him from his kids and most of his family now he is trying to reach out to us for comfort I am trying but it is really hard because of what he did to my sister and his kids. But I'm doing what I can. Now we find out that my little sisters' husband has Cirrhosis of the liver and the only thing that will help him is a transplant.So now I have to be a shoulder for her also. She is one of those material girls.Money gets you everything kind of person. We got into it once about me not staying with a job for more than a year. I told her that I didn't care about money,it's the skills that I'm getting from my jobs.O, well , that's another story. So the saying "What Goes Around Comes Around " does happen.
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Thank you all for the hugs. Cat, I think you hit the nail on the head when you explained about the noise. I have always been noise sensitive and have noticed the days she is "screeching" that my nerves are shot by the time the day is over. I have never had it explained that way and now I can find a solution. ( I guess earplugs are out since I do need to hear the IMPORTANT stuff, too. lol) anyway, I got a good nights sleep and was rarin' to go again this morning. It was very foggy most of the day and she was a little more subdued and not so vocal. Will let you know what solutions I come up with about my noise issue. Oh my God, now I have another ISSUE!!!!! Thanks to all of you, you make my days so much brighter.
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I do believe kids see what is going on and many will react to what they see in how they treat their own aging parents. But many people don't see that when it's their turn to up to bat.

The good people on this site, struggling to keep on doing what they are doing, or finding a different way to care for others, will be showing their own children their caring natures. There is good in doing good.
Carol
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Ballnchain....This is a very supportive sight, I would be crazier than I am normally without it. We can only share our experiances and let you know we DO care about you, the stress your under and the decisions you have to make.Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. We may not have magic answers but we do have alot of prayers, thoughts and gratitude for all who participate here. You are in my prayers.
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ANTIECENENT... THOSE WERE THE EXACT WORDS I SAID TO MY ONLY SIBLING.. MY BROTHER... YOUR DAUGHTERS ARE WATCHING EVERY MOVE YOU MAKE WITH MOM AND YOU WILL BE TREATED IN KIND....... DIDN'T HELP.. BUT BY GOD I PITY HIM WHEN HIS TIME COMES...
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Hi Ballnchain,
Barbees is right...do it for your mom. Do not worry about what other people say or think about you...until they fill your shoes then maybe they will understand. I think my brothers have a picture of me in their spare room and throwing darts at it.

You know what!!! who cares!!
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Dear Ballnchain,
I 'm here to let you khow that we (me) do care and I know that what you are going through is like beating your head against the wall sometimes. You see what your mom is doing or going through and you feel helpless in trying to do something about. I can understand that you don't go over there because of the mess and that they(your siblings) don't see it or care. But you have to do something to help your mom, you are going to be stepping on some toes but remember it's for your mom.I had to step on a few too and now I'm the bad guy but you know what, I DON'T CARE. I know that mom is safe and that is all that matters.

Barb
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I sympathize with all of you, my mother is seeing things that aren't there, I hope her dr. has some answers on what might be causing it, she started doing this even before the heart problem developed.

Anyone having similar problems or any ideas on what could be the cause, thanks!

Mari
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I've been watching this sight for a week now trying to work things out and come back with some positive feedback. I'm sorry that you feel that way about yourself and am not at all offended because you don't know me. Just sounds like more of what I am experiencing in the first place. I thought this was a place of support for people who cared and needed support.
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A story: In the ancient days of Alaska, it was the custom of the people to take their elderly on a sledge out to the ice floes when they became unable to "pull thier weight" and leave them to the "mercies" of the elements and animals so they would not be a drain on the family. In this particular instance, a man was preparing to take his old mother out to the floes, but his son objected. He patiently explained to his son that Grandma was no longer useful to the family, that she required too much time and energy to care for. At last, the little boy put on his furs to accompany his father on Grandma's last journey. After they had dragged the sledge to the ice floe, and started back, the little boy stopped and said, "Dad! Dad! We have to go back!" "No", the father responded. "I have explained all this to you." "Yes," the boy replied," but I will need that sledge to bring you to the ice floes and leave you here."

Moral of the story: ( for BallNChain) Your children are watching how you deal with your elders, and you may expect the same treatment from them that you give to your elders now. Life's a Bitch ( and so am I).
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Hi Lindam,
Here is another cyber hug for you. I know what you mean about repeating an repeating and repeating....sometimes I just want to scream my bloody head off. Oh and about the syblings that don't bother??? get this....Mom received a tower of boxes filled with chocolate candies from Harry and David from my brother in PA..... big deal...first thing he sent her he doesn't even call. so I like a nice person told her to call him and thank him...right? proper thing to do...no? well get this, while she is talking and thanking him a hundred times she tells him that she goes nowhere, and does nothing and she never sees people and just sits around. EEEEK!!!!!! Now I live in Nevada....24/7 state...I take her 3 days a week to day care, we go to buffets, we go to resturants, we go to Christmas fairs...I take her to the hairdressers...and besides all that I take care of her...what more can I do?

On top of all that my husband got sick and had to be in bed a few days. When I say I'm tired she will tell me she did all that and I shouldn't complain...Hello.....my mom only did for her family..siblings...not us 4 kids.

Anyway...thanks for listing...I feel much better now....lolol....hey at least we can all laugh..no?

So Happy Holidays to you all and lets all have a geat Holiday with very little stress.
Irene
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Hi Lindam,
This is also a cyber hug for u. Some time's we do get to our limit's and know u are not alone. This chat room has been the best for me re: my Mom and your right it is all about them. Take Care of yourself and remember epople are here if u need them.
God Bless
CLL007
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Hey Lindam,

Here is a cyber-hug & good wishes - you are awesome.
we all have days when something just hits us & we feel something at the gut level despite our rational take on the situation. You are a very strong person and think things through, so I know you will use your insight to see why this bothered you now/today.

One thing you may not have considered is sometimes being exposed to certain keys & decible levels of sound cuts right through our rational thought process to our 'primitive brain'. On that level, it is triggering fight/flight/or freeze.
the fact that you are unable to do anything either for your patient or yourself is triggering your body to release chemical signals that are increasing your discomfort level .... so it's very understandable that you would be in distress.

For now, take care of yourself & be kind to yourself tonight & let us know how you are doing tomorrow.
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Is this day over yet? If I had to spend one more second listening to her repeating herself about it being her fault for a family members death, I think I would go screaming down the road!! Every major thing that happens turns into being all about her. There is no reassuring her, the truth only makes her more upset, and her voice goes up 5 octaves, and my jaws hurt from keeping my mouth shut. I finally called one of her daughters and said, "tag, your it", I've reached my limit. They have never received a call like that from me, so she came right over. The one thing that keeps going thru my mind is the respect, awe, admiration and cyber-hugs for all of you who do this day in and day out with no break. I did it for my dad, and God knows how miserable that man was, but this just about did me in today. Apperently I have something else going on with me and this evenig I will get to the bottom of it. I can usually tune this type of stuff down low, where it is not making me nuts. But not today. Thanks for listening. I just deep sighed relief and now I can do what I need to do this evening.
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I'm trying to hang in there and this site help's me so much. When I first started care giving for 2 people I thought I was alone in this but now I know I 'm not and that is very comforting. Thank for everything.
CLL007
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Mindingmom - keep coming back and talking.

Isn't it strange how the siblings that aren't around can show up or just call and it's exciting, but the person doing the caregiving gets the anger and abuse? It's human nature, unfortuantely, for people to take things out on the person they know won't dump them, but it's very hard on the caregiver.

You've got a lot to handle, with your husband, to boot. I'm glad you got your mom on Medicaid and are getting some help.

Carol
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Hi Susan, PJ is right there are govt. programs that may help you. Please check it out we all need the help. I just got my mom on Medicaid and they also will give me the help I need. I am totaly burnt out. Even though I send Mom to Adult Day Care I still have a husband at home who is not too well. As I said before I am the only daughter who took Mom out of a nursing home. My 3 brothers ablolutely do not want her and they wll say it. She was at one time living with one of my brothers for about 17 months who took most of her SS check and then told her to leave...she is 91...where is she going to go. The second brother put her in a home because his wife couldn't stand her, the youngest brother and his wife still work and mom can't be left alone. Mom isn't the nicest person in the world...since the dementia she is a little more mellow. They call once in a while and she thinks that is just wonderful. The sun rises and sets on all her sons and they can't stand her. I myself am 72 years old and not the little child anymore..I find it very hard to care for her and my husband. I'm just so happy to vent to someone who understands and gives me some advise. I have two daughters who live back east and when I call I'm sure they are saying...."Oh, here she goes again."
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You hang in, too, CLL, and please keep visiting the site. You'll get some comfort out of knowing you aren't alone.
Carol
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I admire all of u, Taking care of a loved one is very difficult at times and then other times it is just wonderful. I never realized just how difficult it can be until we moved in with my 80yr. old Mother. She doesn't like Men since my Dad passed away and so she doesn't like my Husband who is also sick and I also take care of. Just hang in there.
CLL007
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My God, what awesome, strong, relentless people! Cat, Lindam, Mindingmom, Barbees, and Susan W.Today is a better day because of this webiste. I slept so much better and find much comfort to know that I am not being condemned. I'm the type of person who would be on the picket line somewhere raising cain. I am glad that God has put people with strong convictions behind their parents. That is where the foundation begins in our some of our parents' journey who are making the transition into elderhood. I will use each and everyone of yours advice. I found a support group close to my house at a nursing home for next Thursday for children of aging parents. But clearly my healing began when joining this sight. I will keep yall posted. Today is a good day! P.S. Lindam, if everyone were to meet up with their parents, my mom would probably be the most honoree.
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We all want to get in the car and drive, so maybe one day we will all lose it at the same time and just meet in the middle of USA!!! Can you imagine the noise level lol. Everyone hugging and laughing, talking at the same time. Of course we would have to bring our little old folks with us, but they could all see who could do the most b******g and griping. They could tell each other stories of how we never do enough, don't do it right, and how we get on thier nerves. We would just be happy to have someone to talk and laugh with. Keep the faith and try to find something to laugh about each day, and breathe. Glad you found this sight, it is therapy and the cost is free. God bless all of us.
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