I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
that is wonderful! Hope you can take time to put your feet up & feel at peace.
My brother and I were "good children" and helped her out of debt when she was selling her house. We pooled our resources and paid off her credit cards with the assurance we'd be reimbursed from the proceeds from the sale of the house. NOT! She'd neglected to pay her state income taxes for years and her proceeds were attached. My brother and I got 1/4 of what we were owed.
She ran up a credit card and was late often enough that they increased the interest and minimum payment. She decided it was ridiculous and stopped paying. The creditor company calls weekly and harasses her/me. They want me to pay it and I said HAIL NO! I have not taken out a Financial POA, but even if I had anything that occurred earlier is not my responsibility. They can be mean and use scare tactics and it's helpful to know what they can and can't do.
I refinanced my house several years ago and they paid off all my debts out of the cash out. Along with mine was some credit card both of us were listed on. I was forced to pay another 5,000 of her "irresponsibility".
Now she's having 250 per month deducted from her SS checks because she failed to file her Federal Income tax in 96 which is too far back for us to recreate it, so hello interest and penalties. Even the feds don't keep records that long.
I get the tears too and her excuse to the collection agencies is "Well, I'm 90 years old!!" Well I can tell you they really don't give a rat's behind how old you are, a debt is a debt.
All I can say is stand fast, hang in there, endure the tears and let her own up to her responsibilities. I'm sure you've got enough of your own :)
Time to put your emotions to one side & deal with the problem. If emotionally you 'can't' do this - shoot it back to your brother, or post an ad on Craigslist for a fixer do deal with it on your mom's behalf. Regardless of what you think and feel about your mother and your fragile state, if a bill is in collections it must be dealt with.If the work should have been warrantied, then that is another issue to deal with.
I was left a complete mess by a sibling who chose to take the money & run. I got the mom & the tangled mess. So I do sympathize with you. However sometimes we caregivers have to just suck it up and deal with issues like this or they get worse.
Seriously - someone has to do it - either your brother, or tell him to hire someone.
Barb
Barb
This reminds me of my neighbor Joe. I got him a personal alarm (Lifeline). It was a necklace form. I'd put it around his neck every noon when I went to visit. He insisted that he didn't need it because he was around the house. Well - that's where they work! The base was in his bedroom. When I was taking him 100 miles away from his house to see his sister, he always had it on. The receiver goes about 100 feet :) This guy was an engineer, but he didn't get that one. It drove me nuts, but he did have it on when he fell and broke his hip - only because I'd put it on that noon.
Anyway, what I'm saying is you are doing your best. Keep at it. Don't argue. Try to make it easy and explain. I'm sure you've already done all of that. So - keep coming back here. We get it.
Carol
In the last week things have changed a lot. First my brother and sister in-law came for Thanksgiving so she made it a point to show off to them all the things she could do. I was happy she did things on her own but it just reinforced my suspicions that she was holding back. Then, I was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2002 and it seems every two years or so I must go into the hospital for some unwanted visitor to be removed. Well that time is any day now, just waiting to hear from the doctor.
I told her there was no way I could leave her alone if she couldn't even pull up her underwear, and named a few other things she's been holding back on. I told her there was no way we could afford 24 hour care. I told her the only option was to send her to "granny camp" aka a respite facility for a few weeks because while I recover, there is also no way I can push her around and help her off the toilet.
I guess this put the fear into her and she's been zipping around the house in her wheelchair, pulling her undies up, got herself up this morning and into her chair then onto the bathroom. I praise her and ask her if this all doesn't make her feel so much better, doing things on her own, and she said OH YES! I am happy she's admitting it makes her feel like she's accomplished something, maybe she'll listen to her own voice. Now that she's shown she can do it, I have more ammunition to use for when/if she tries to revert back, using those same old excuses.
Things are looking up at the moment mainly because she has no choice. Her options are extremely limited for the immediate future and she's looking out for #1. I'm not at all convinced she will let it stay this way but I should relax and enjoy it, and my time in the hospital. That sounds really dumb, but I look forward to it because I'll be able to sleep!!
Again, thanks everyone for your responses and confirming what I already knew, that I'm not alone in this adventure.
perhaps you might try getting up & taking her during the nght. You can use it as an excuse for her to walk - each time a little farther. I know you said you are sleep deprived, however it may just be if you meet her half-way (so to speak) she gets into a new cycle and eventually you will get the sleep you need. Certainly it sounds as it you are exhausting yourself to the point of assigning blame, when it may not be the case.
Lets face it, its human nature to not want to poop ans / or pee next to where we sleep. An truthfully how many of us when we get old would want to feel we had some dignity - - bragging she doesn't go during the day may be one of the few things that get her praise from others - as does fibbing about abilities.
My mom insisted she could do many things when she couldn't - at one point she was unable to walk and was in diapers - she was humiliated. Now she walks to the bathroom herself with a walker and makes a point of going *before* going to bed because she feels she has some control and say in her life. It took alot of working, exercise, understanding. My mom still insists that she can do some things she can't - but I suspect I will be denying my decline when I am old too.
Give yourself a break - and cut her some slack. If you chose to take this path, don't fall into the trap of negative thinking. That is the killer of caregivers world over. My mom is close to your mom in age. I hope that this helps.
She has always enjoyed being the center of attention and now it seems even more so. She will fib to professionals about her abilities, saying she can do more than she is able. She will fib to me when she doesn't want to do something, like exercise. She received in home physical therapy for 4 months and is always too tired, too hungry, excuse excuse, to do the exercises. Therefore, she's no better than she was 4 months ago.
She has a bedside commode over the toilet so she can raise herself off of it, but won't use it by her bed so that I can get more than 4 hours of undisturbed sleep. She says it would be icky. She brags to others that she can go all day without visiting the bathroom, and she does actually do this quite often. It frustrates me that she won't even try the bedside commode to allow me to sleep. I am starting to believe she is doing it on purpose because she doesn't have control over many things but she has control over me when it comes to "I need to go to the bathroom!!" any time during the day or night, considering the alternative.
What can I do? Do I need SuperGranny? Is tough love in order? She's like a spoiled brat and is out of control. I know she is manipulating me and is always on her best behavior for the caregivers. Sigh!!
Auntiecedent, life is always worth living when we achieve some degree of balance. Respite care will afford you some balance, even if only one hour each week. Does your husband nap in the daytime at all? If he does, it is a great time to find a quiet corner in your home to take a deep breath, go outside to take a leisurely walk, or do something else. This morning before my Mom awakened, I prepared myself a cup of green tea and enjoyed a couple of hours before the rest of the world started to stir. I prayed, read, napped, and watched a cooking show. Sometimes I take a walk in my garden in my velour robe early in the morning. There are always windows of opportunity for caregivers to create some leisure and quiet even if we may not be able to afford respite care.