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Vent away, Cat. That is so sad. I can see why you are angry. Better to take it out this way, with people who understand. Then you won't have a backlash from the family. Take care,
Carol
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Okay - I am venting on a different subject.
Today is my mothers birthday. Nothing, nada, zip from anyone. I am tired of having to do everything - and very anguished that body cares. I am only writing this because it is a choice between venting on this board or making an unfortunate series of phone calls I will regret later.

I am not looking for any suzysunshine advice - just a rant and a place to cry over the sad truth about human nature.
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Beth
My husband has only been in rehab in nursing homes but I have found if you approach the head nurse of the unit and calmly explain what you need for the care of your loved ones and plan ameeting ahead of time it helps. Also the dietician should be very involved. Where we live in the northeast there are many nursing homes to choose from so I would be able to change to another one easiely but I know most people do not have that option. Also the good ones usually have family meetings every few months where all families are encouraged to attend to discuse common problems and as Carol said the ombudsman is a good idea they do not work for the nursing home and are a good pt. advocate most nursing homes have notes posted on how to get in touch and I did get medicare involved when my husband was in a hospital- and they did help.
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Venting is so important, so I'm glad you both were able to share information and also share your load.

Beth, the nursing home is not doing their job, and you may have to contact the ombudsman ( www.ltcombudsman.org ) if you can't get anywhere with the home. Please make yourself be more assertive for your parents' sakes. You don't have to be nasty, just say that these things aren't acceptable. You need to get your dad to a doctor for a diagnosis, and the lack of care for your mother's diabetes is totally wrong. If the floor nurse won't help, talk to the administrator. If that person won't help, go to the ombudsman site and find you state and contact them. They are independent of the nursing home and are there to help you.

Please, Beth and Lost - keep in touch to hear other's stories. We'll give you as much direction as possible, as well. There's a world of experience on this site.

Carol
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My father has Parkinsons, but there are many diseases that have the same symptoms. Our latest local seminar by a prominent group of docs say the deadpan look and the shaking hand or hands, or loss of muscle control especially just one side are the indicators. Then they give meds for Parkinsons and if the meds work, they know it's Parkinsons, lol. No tests, just a variety of symptoms that may lead to a diagnosis. A neurologist is the doctor to get to check your father. You will probably have to have your father's family doctor refer him. I'm not at the point of dealing with nursing homes yet, so I'll leave that for others to advise you.
Besides helping my mother take care of Dad, I have a 75 year old husband with dementia. He has 9 (Catholic, lol) children from his first marriage of 53 years and only one daughter my age is happy for us and communicate. No one believes their father is sick and believe I am blowing smoke. We have been married 3 years and was diagnosed with dementia shortly after our marriage. He is a very intelligent man and very stubborn. The biggest problems come from no common sense or ability to think anything through. Short term memory is mostly gone. He's at the point of most times needing help with many everyday things. It's like having a terrible two kid that isn't going to ever listen to a reason. He's of the generation that the woman takes care of every whim of the man, so he fights the docs and I on trying to do some things like dishes and folding clothes. I really miss having conversations. It's very frustrating reminding and repeating. Having to be near him 24/7 is miserable. I've always been low on patience when it comes to being interupted when I'm trying to do a job, so I'm a terrible caregiver. Putting Dad and my husband together is craps game. Sometimes, they get along, sometimes it's like a couple of little kids scrapping. I had a doc appt for myself today and my doc yelled at me. He says I'm running on empty and am going to end up suicidle or getting very sick. LOL, but the first thing my husband said when I got home was "It won't kill you to take out the dog". Six siblings who don't help Mom much and think I'm nuts when I ask for someone to help me for a bit. So...... finding this site and hearing others have same problems helps. Thanks to all the kind people who are pouring out their problems for the rest of us to read. My prayers are for all of us who feel alone and overwhelmed. diane
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I am not sure what to do. My parents are in a Nursing Home, in the town where I live. I have 2 sisters one in the same town and one close by. I do not feel my sister's help. At least my little sister comes once in a while. However my main concern is the staff at the Nursing Home. I am concerned that my father may have Parkinson's disease. But when I tell the staff something I have noticed they just say they have not noticed it. Also my mom is in end stage kidney failure and needs a special diet which they do not provide. My mom is also diabetic and the other day I went to visit and she was drinking hot choclate, not sugar free. Also the diet, because of the kidney failure, she is to follow does not even allow her to have choclate. The nursing home is aware of all of her medical problems, and her dietary needs. However I feel they ignore me because they would have to do a little extra work, to meet her dietary needs. But is not that what they get paid for? My question does anyone know what the signs of Parkinson's are. Also does anyone have any suggestions on how to get the nursing home to listen to me. I am not a very assertive person. Also how do I explain to my husband how hard this is on me. He is not a very caring person.
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welcome melissa, this is a great sight with many supportive people. I am glad you found it. Keep us updated on your situation and know that we are all in this together. Take care of yourself too, and am glad your boyfriend is helping. It can get very stressful at times and make sure you guys can tell each other when it gets to be too much. take care God Bless
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Please keep coming back and interacting with this terrific group. I'm glad your boyfriend is helpful, but he's going to have tough moments, as will you. Take it a day at a time, as you say. We're pulling for you.
Carol
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Melissa
Welcome to this site-you will meet the most caring people here- we all learn from each other and cry with each other and also laugh together.
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Hi Ladies,

I have been reading all of your conversations. Boy can I relate. I am 38 years old and have a 60 yr old mother who had an aeortic tear a 1 1/2 ago (2007). From this she had had stints put in, has severe COPD and wears oxygen all the time. Coupled with that she had a degenerative bone disease. She had recently moved in with me a week ago. My boyfriend is very helpful, yet it can be stressful. I exercise alot which helps, and shop for short periods of time. My mom is on 25 different meds. You are all so right it is hard to see strong parents decline. I am the oldest and the responsibility has fallen on me. I continue to take it one day at a time! I am so happy I found this sight, as I have not really found a group near my home for this type of issue.
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Hi our new aide started today and we like him- we may change from Fri to Thur because he goes to college part time. I was able to do some house work today and am going to try driving some tomarrow. it will be a while before the ribs heal but I am use to pain and growing up it always mind over matter so I am tough.
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195Austin''''''''''''Sorry to hear you fell, but am glad you are being taken care of.I also have a cat that meets me at the door and she knows when things arent ok with me. I also read and crochet in my spare time. I agree with miak, try to find a way to the dr. just in case its something more serious. Take care and let us know how you are doing. Glad to hear the husband is helping out.....
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hello austin you should really go to a dr. im sorry you hurt your self. my sister has a meeting with dads dr some time this week it would be nice if she told me and not the person with dementia but i guess thats how it goes. im sure shes mad at me becasuse i told the dr that she doesnt want to give him the script of haldol that the dr gave me for my dad. oh well the dr asked me about it i told him i gave the slip to my sister thats her deal not mine. we went out to dinner last night when we got home at 9
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I fell on Fri slipping on a area rug and fell into a low chair and I think I broke some ribes- did not go to the hospital I did not want to bother our son he had already been up to work on my old clothes dryer earilier and he is working on a ten day streach. The husband is being helpful and the elder of our church came up with a pizzia for us and will be able to deliver a cake I had promised to make to the church for Sunday. That same night our aides wife got made at me because we had to cut his days down to twice a week so I called the agency and they are going to send another aide twice a week- I feel bad we did like our first aide but we just could no longer afford the 3 days a week. I had cut out everything I could for the budget. I am getting more crocheting done and have lots of books to read and able to get some sleep at night in my husbands special chair and my cat checks on me a night- it does feel good to be taken care of for a change.
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God bless caller ID. I used to answer the first call from my mother, and then leave the rest (for the evening). After awhile, she'd quit. The main problem was she'd forget she called and call again and again about the same issue.

Abusive calls - yeah I've had those too. Do the best you can to ignore them and don't react, because that fuels the issue. Since you've coped with an alcoholic ex, you may know the Al-Anon steps. They would help here, too. Detach. Remove yourself from abusive situations. Don't accept blame that is not yours to take.

It's always hard. After an adustment period, as Austin said, things will get better, but caregivers need to learn not to be the "victim." I think those of us who are natural caregivers - or at least accept the main load - tend to be the kind that give too much and don't know it until we are swamped and/or abused.

Keep coming back here to get support. These people are great.
Carol
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Blondie Hang in there when she goes to A.l. it will be better on you it will probably be hard on all of you at first but maybe being around others her age might help her. You really are in a hard situation and I feel so sorry for what you are going through-keep comming to this place to let us all know how you are doing and vent as often as you need to.
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Hi Roxie,
My mom doesn't live with us, she would probably be the end of my sanity and my marriage if she did. None of my siblings could do it. I can only imagine what you feel. My mother is verbally abusive and the toll is tremendous. We clean her house and do her laundry and errands. She gets out now and then with us, but we pay a tremendous price emotionally. Nothing we do will ever be enough.

Does your family know that they are hurting you by leaving you out? Have yvou flat out asked them to include you and to help you? If they did, can you be available? Are the demands of caring for your mother part of that problem? People cope in their own various ways. Listen to your heart, but listen to them also. I can't urge you to continue caring for your mother yourself or not to continue. Only you know what you feel or what is right in your mind and the situation. But please understand that there is a limit to what people can endure and when your limit or your family's limit has been reached, don't feel guilty! Get help, whatever it takes to take care of yourself and your family.

Blondie
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This is just how it is folks! I spent my share of time cleaning up those messes, too, and the humiliation of the person was the hardest part. Adults don't like to have to be helped in that manner.

About the drugs - so many medications cause potassium loss or other important nutrients, and when diarrhea happens, that makes it worse. The side effects can put people in the hospital or even kill them. And yes, older people are more at risk.

My father-in-law was hospitalized and everyone seemed baffled. Then they did a potassium check. Anyone on a "water pill" for heart conditions should have regular potassium checks. Whey wasn't that done routinely? I'll never know.

It does make one wonder.

Carol
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blondie My heart goes out to you to be in that hostile environment. It is so hard to not take things personal, but we all do. My client can be so hateful and sarcastic sometimes and then turn on the charm when her family is around. Its very crazy making at times. I watch her manipulate situations to make her family feel guilty and all I can do is shake my head. She has days of being very critical of everything I do. I am very agitated and stressed on those days. We want to be kind and helpful, never mind getting thanks, just because we have to live with ourselves and answer to a Higher Power. Was she an abuser of alcohol before she became ill? you said she was going to assisted living soon, so maybe you can do for a short time what you could not do the rest of your life. Be patient with yourself and realize you are human and be grateful you aren't so jaded that it doesn't bother you. That was how I was by the end of my fathers life, and it was just sad for him and me. It does seem as tho they are playing games sometimes, when they hurt us and then don't remember. Please take care of yourself and maybe after she is in AL, you can have time to regroup before you see her again. you know you are not a thief, as hard as it is sometimes you just have to go on about your business as if ugly words were not said. You hang in there and keep posting, this is a great sight and you will get alot of positive feedback and support. Let us know how things are going. God Bless
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I have not read all the posts so I don't know if this particular issue has been covered.

My mother is about a level 4 in the cognizant test range. Her short term memory is poor. She is not able to manage her medications, or drive, but has lived in her home so far. We stop by several times a day to help. She will be going to an assisted living very soon as she does not appear to cook or reheat dinners unless we (3 of 4 adult children) do it for her.

Here is the main issue. She has always been anxious, opinionated, somewhat harsh and controlling. We tried to take everything in stride as it rarely was extremely out of line. The verbal abuse is horrendous! She says she doesn't mean it and doesn't know what she is saying, but she can also behave in situations where she wants to. She also can be very manipulative when she wants something.

This last Saturday alone, I counted 18 phone calls on the caller id, 3 voice messages and one actual conversation where she accused me of taking her Cream Sherry. I was a thief, I stole from her, how could I be so rotten etc. She didn't have any cream sherry as we are strictly limiting her alcohol intake to 1 or 2 small drinks a day. A week ago I was called crazy, stupid and a brat for trying to leave when she was yelling at me. I was told Thursday to never come over again because I wouldn't bring her a bottle of wine. She will abuse alcohol if it is left at her house so we leave very little. Oviouly she has a drinking problem. She abuses people for other reasons, too. Either they are ungrateful or nasty or something.

We try to not let her engage us her when her mood is faltering, because it will only get worse.

What can I do to take this in stride? My ex/late husband was a verbally abusive alcoholic also. It is getting harder and harder to hold up under this abuse. I want to visit my mother with enthusiasm and love, not dread.

Blondie
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Roxie hi again. I really feel for you it seems the more we do for them the more they expect- it is not fair but they know we will do what needs to be done. I just was told my husband can't go to rehab because he was in the hospital three times since rehab so those days count against us he has to be home 60 days. Iam waiting for the doc to call me to go get him-but I decided to be SELFISH and called the husband to tell him I was doing the errands first instead of after he came home like I usually do- it felt good to think of me for a change. Whenever you are having a bad day let us know-you know we care esp. me- I should not complain I have it better then you do. I finally sat down and made out a budget and had to cut down one day a week for the aide and he took it well- he has a full time job anyway. My husband is getting very forgetful but of course I am the only one who sees it. Last week we got a lot of extra furniture moved into our new small barn and was finally to fix up my bedroom nice and the sunroom also so I can be by myself more.
lostinlimbo welcome you will find the most great people on this site and it is nice to have another spouse it is a good place to get love and concern and advice and a place to just let your hair down-hope to hear from you often it is so good to share the good and mostly the bad.
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Hello fellow caregivers,

Nice to meet everyone. I had been doing so good but today is an example of how I feel. It is raining and cold the pretty colors of the trees are disappearing. That is how I feel I felt alive now I feel as though I am fading into the background once again.
My mother fell the other night. She did not get hurt thank goodness. This was the first time I had went shopping and was having a good time. Like I told the girls at school. My life is boring you can tell when grocery shopping is a highlight.
While shopping I get a phone call from my daughter that mom had fell. She has been forgeting to put her brakes on her wheelchair. We assume she forgot again and sat down and the chair moved on her. She has marks on her back and elbows and her tailbone hurts. Just another day in my life.
Well today I had planned on going shopping for me, but guess what I do not get to. My daughter has plans and so does my husband and none of them include being with my mother or me. Therefore I get to sit home once again while everyone does what they want. I know this may sound selfish but I am going to say it anyway. Why don't the family ask me if I want to do anything before they make all their plans? Do they assume I always want to sit at home all the time. All I do is go to school (Yea for school at least I get out and it is productive). I come home take care of mom and study. Then on weekends I get to stay at home and clean house and do laundry (their laundry). I do not get to go anywhere. In fact this was the first time I went grocery shopping in about two months. My husband does it while he is out doing his thing on week ends. I guess he thinks he is helping but does not understand he could clean the house and do laundry one weekend and give me a break by going shopping. Or at least get out for a while and do something for myself.
Mom's short term memory is getting worse, but her health is doing very well. I am thankful for that. I am having a depressing day and sorry to drop this on you guys. You have enough problems of your own without hearing mine. But it does feel good to write it down.
I hope everyone is doing well!
Take care
Roxie
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Stressed out and surfing the web. Found this site and finally feel not so alone. Husband has dementia and finding it hard to deal with. Father with Parkinson's also. Been married only three years and step-children refuse to believe Dad has problems. They blame the "wicked step-mommy", lol. Thanks for the input of how everyone else deals.....

LostInLimbo
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My husband was admitted to the hospital on Sat. with his usuall cellelities and open draining wounds and is being discharged after two days so he will not be in long enough to qualify for rehab by one day. The doc and case manager act like my thoughts are not important - I am only his caregiver the Patient Advocate tried to help me out but was over-ruled by the case manager-so I called my husband and said since he does not NEED rehab when he comes home he can start dressing himself and getting out of his wheelchair and do some things for himself for a change- our insurance covers rehab in a nursing home. I fixed my room up nice so I and my cat can stay in there much of the time, and he can go out and do all the yard work he wants and the next time he can get his own way to the hospital when he loses a leg or foot he can be placed.
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i am proping my feet up and having my afternoon coffee. Rainy here today but very welcome as we have been in drought for many months now.Hope you had a good weekend .
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hey where is every body how every one had a great weekend it was cold and wet here is wis notas bad as ND so i wont complian see just goest to show there always some one who has it worse. mia
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You are on target thinking that if it helps to alleviate your stress even to a small degree, calling her in the evening may be your best self help strategy. Don't be so hard on yourself, though. Anyone who is a caregiver has to actively try to judge less and accept more and I think we have to first recognize that we are judging our loved ones looking through our own lens, rather than anything else. You can't make your mother-in-law do anything she does not wish to do. The other thing is that there is nothing wrong with being a homebody, whether one is younger, or a mature adult if there is nothing else going on. It seems like we all judge seniors who seek less activity as if something is wrong with them. It all depends.
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Thanks Sunshine,

We took her on holidays last summer and it went pretty well - we let her sleep however late she wanted (usually until some time in the afternoon). I've shared with her some info on the local seniors rec centre - she states she isn't a "joiner". We've done a few mother in law/daughter in law getaways that she has quite enjoyed. She does fine when I go with ... but doing it on her own is another story and unfortunately the rest of my life is filled with stress. I find that when she sleeps "all day" I have a hard time with it. Mostly because I wish I had even a little more time ... and she has too much that I think she just sleeps it away. So part of the issue is with me ... and I think I do better not knowing that she is sleeping her days away. I am thinking maybe not calling until the evening when she is most likely to be awake.

She states she has lots of interests that she is now free to pursue ... she just doesn't take action. I know that doing new things at an older age is difficult so I do try to provide some support to get the process started.

I am trying SO hard not be judgemental about the situation ... especially as I don't know what she is really dealing with on the side and how it feels ... I am just trying to figure out how to take care of me (and the people I take care of work all day long in my work). I will see if one of the seniors tours might get something happening ... thanks.
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Sounds like she is still depressed, but only a doctor would know for sure. Have you considered inviting her to one of those retiree/senior day and/or weekend trips where you go along with her for the first time, get her on their mailing list and she can take off from there for any subsequent trips in which she may be interested? There are many of those opportunities in just about any U.S. city, not to mention weekendholiday trips, museum trips and a whole lot more. Otherwise, if she is sleeping all day and piddling around her home at night, it sounds harmless to unless there is something going on. Sleep cycles chage sometimes and if she is retired, no harm would be my take. You may also consider inviting her to an early movie once a month if you don't mind her company? If she is able to live on her own, and has no dementia, she has earned the right to be eccentric in her habits, up to and including talking about not having enough hours in her day to get things accomplished. We will all grow old and become incresingly eccentric is my guess
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Hello,

I am new to this website ... but am hoping for some advice. I am trying to help my mother in law get her life back again after her husband's death (married for 25 years) two years ago. The past two years have been rough for everyone especially for her ... she still has not been able to get herself back into any regular activities any kind of daytime structure. She sleeps frequently through most of the day (and is often up much of the night).

She is 77 and does not have any mobility issues per se. She has been taking antidepressants for quite some time. She is fine when she has someone to be out and about with ... but sleeps most of the time when she is at home. She has very few friends. She drives, shops and lives on her own. I find it hard when she sleeps all hours - and then talks about all the things she isn't getting done.

I know she has been through a lot ... not that I know what it feels like. I so wish she could get back on her feet - find things in her life that would make her happy or give her pleasure. But... that has not happened and I don't think it will happen now ... I get stressed when I find that she is not getting herself going, is staying in bed (or going back to bed). I think this is still depression?
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