I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
Carol
Today is my mothers birthday. Nothing, nada, zip from anyone. I am tired of having to do everything - and very anguished that body cares. I am only writing this because it is a choice between venting on this board or making an unfortunate series of phone calls I will regret later.
I am not looking for any suzysunshine advice - just a rant and a place to cry over the sad truth about human nature.
My husband has only been in rehab in nursing homes but I have found if you approach the head nurse of the unit and calmly explain what you need for the care of your loved ones and plan ameeting ahead of time it helps. Also the dietician should be very involved. Where we live in the northeast there are many nursing homes to choose from so I would be able to change to another one easiely but I know most people do not have that option. Also the good ones usually have family meetings every few months where all families are encouraged to attend to discuse common problems and as Carol said the ombudsman is a good idea they do not work for the nursing home and are a good pt. advocate most nursing homes have notes posted on how to get in touch and I did get medicare involved when my husband was in a hospital- and they did help.
Beth, the nursing home is not doing their job, and you may have to contact the ombudsman ( www.ltcombudsman.org ) if you can't get anywhere with the home. Please make yourself be more assertive for your parents' sakes. You don't have to be nasty, just say that these things aren't acceptable. You need to get your dad to a doctor for a diagnosis, and the lack of care for your mother's diabetes is totally wrong. If the floor nurse won't help, talk to the administrator. If that person won't help, go to the ombudsman site and find you state and contact them. They are independent of the nursing home and are there to help you.
Please, Beth and Lost - keep in touch to hear other's stories. We'll give you as much direction as possible, as well. There's a world of experience on this site.
Carol
Besides helping my mother take care of Dad, I have a 75 year old husband with dementia. He has 9 (Catholic, lol) children from his first marriage of 53 years and only one daughter my age is happy for us and communicate. No one believes their father is sick and believe I am blowing smoke. We have been married 3 years and was diagnosed with dementia shortly after our marriage. He is a very intelligent man and very stubborn. The biggest problems come from no common sense or ability to think anything through. Short term memory is mostly gone. He's at the point of most times needing help with many everyday things. It's like having a terrible two kid that isn't going to ever listen to a reason. He's of the generation that the woman takes care of every whim of the man, so he fights the docs and I on trying to do some things like dishes and folding clothes. I really miss having conversations. It's very frustrating reminding and repeating. Having to be near him 24/7 is miserable. I've always been low on patience when it comes to being interupted when I'm trying to do a job, so I'm a terrible caregiver. Putting Dad and my husband together is craps game. Sometimes, they get along, sometimes it's like a couple of little kids scrapping. I had a doc appt for myself today and my doc yelled at me. He says I'm running on empty and am going to end up suicidle or getting very sick. LOL, but the first thing my husband said when I got home was "It won't kill you to take out the dog". Six siblings who don't help Mom much and think I'm nuts when I ask for someone to help me for a bit. So...... finding this site and hearing others have same problems helps. Thanks to all the kind people who are pouring out their problems for the rest of us to read. My prayers are for all of us who feel alone and overwhelmed. diane
Carol
Welcome to this site-you will meet the most caring people here- we all learn from each other and cry with each other and also laugh together.
I have been reading all of your conversations. Boy can I relate. I am 38 years old and have a 60 yr old mother who had an aeortic tear a 1 1/2 ago (2007). From this she had had stints put in, has severe COPD and wears oxygen all the time. Coupled with that she had a degenerative bone disease. She had recently moved in with me a week ago. My boyfriend is very helpful, yet it can be stressful. I exercise alot which helps, and shop for short periods of time. My mom is on 25 different meds. You are all so right it is hard to see strong parents decline. I am the oldest and the responsibility has fallen on me. I continue to take it one day at a time! I am so happy I found this sight, as I have not really found a group near my home for this type of issue.
Abusive calls - yeah I've had those too. Do the best you can to ignore them and don't react, because that fuels the issue. Since you've coped with an alcoholic ex, you may know the Al-Anon steps. They would help here, too. Detach. Remove yourself from abusive situations. Don't accept blame that is not yours to take.
It's always hard. After an adustment period, as Austin said, things will get better, but caregivers need to learn not to be the "victim." I think those of us who are natural caregivers - or at least accept the main load - tend to be the kind that give too much and don't know it until we are swamped and/or abused.
Keep coming back here to get support. These people are great.
Carol
My mom doesn't live with us, she would probably be the end of my sanity and my marriage if she did. None of my siblings could do it. I can only imagine what you feel. My mother is verbally abusive and the toll is tremendous. We clean her house and do her laundry and errands. She gets out now and then with us, but we pay a tremendous price emotionally. Nothing we do will ever be enough.
Does your family know that they are hurting you by leaving you out? Have yvou flat out asked them to include you and to help you? If they did, can you be available? Are the demands of caring for your mother part of that problem? People cope in their own various ways. Listen to your heart, but listen to them also. I can't urge you to continue caring for your mother yourself or not to continue. Only you know what you feel or what is right in your mind and the situation. But please understand that there is a limit to what people can endure and when your limit or your family's limit has been reached, don't feel guilty! Get help, whatever it takes to take care of yourself and your family.
Blondie
About the drugs - so many medications cause potassium loss or other important nutrients, and when diarrhea happens, that makes it worse. The side effects can put people in the hospital or even kill them. And yes, older people are more at risk.
My father-in-law was hospitalized and everyone seemed baffled. Then they did a potassium check. Anyone on a "water pill" for heart conditions should have regular potassium checks. Whey wasn't that done routinely? I'll never know.
It does make one wonder.
Carol
My mother is about a level 4 in the cognizant test range. Her short term memory is poor. She is not able to manage her medications, or drive, but has lived in her home so far. We stop by several times a day to help. She will be going to an assisted living very soon as she does not appear to cook or reheat dinners unless we (3 of 4 adult children) do it for her.
Here is the main issue. She has always been anxious, opinionated, somewhat harsh and controlling. We tried to take everything in stride as it rarely was extremely out of line. The verbal abuse is horrendous! She says she doesn't mean it and doesn't know what she is saying, but she can also behave in situations where she wants to. She also can be very manipulative when she wants something.
This last Saturday alone, I counted 18 phone calls on the caller id, 3 voice messages and one actual conversation where she accused me of taking her Cream Sherry. I was a thief, I stole from her, how could I be so rotten etc. She didn't have any cream sherry as we are strictly limiting her alcohol intake to 1 or 2 small drinks a day. A week ago I was called crazy, stupid and a brat for trying to leave when she was yelling at me. I was told Thursday to never come over again because I wouldn't bring her a bottle of wine. She will abuse alcohol if it is left at her house so we leave very little. Oviouly she has a drinking problem. She abuses people for other reasons, too. Either they are ungrateful or nasty or something.
We try to not let her engage us her when her mood is faltering, because it will only get worse.
What can I do to take this in stride? My ex/late husband was a verbally abusive alcoholic also. It is getting harder and harder to hold up under this abuse. I want to visit my mother with enthusiasm and love, not dread.
Blondie
lostinlimbo welcome you will find the most great people on this site and it is nice to have another spouse it is a good place to get love and concern and advice and a place to just let your hair down-hope to hear from you often it is so good to share the good and mostly the bad.
Nice to meet everyone. I had been doing so good but today is an example of how I feel. It is raining and cold the pretty colors of the trees are disappearing. That is how I feel I felt alive now I feel as though I am fading into the background once again.
My mother fell the other night. She did not get hurt thank goodness. This was the first time I had went shopping and was having a good time. Like I told the girls at school. My life is boring you can tell when grocery shopping is a highlight.
While shopping I get a phone call from my daughter that mom had fell. She has been forgeting to put her brakes on her wheelchair. We assume she forgot again and sat down and the chair moved on her. She has marks on her back and elbows and her tailbone hurts. Just another day in my life.
Well today I had planned on going shopping for me, but guess what I do not get to. My daughter has plans and so does my husband and none of them include being with my mother or me. Therefore I get to sit home once again while everyone does what they want. I know this may sound selfish but I am going to say it anyway. Why don't the family ask me if I want to do anything before they make all their plans? Do they assume I always want to sit at home all the time. All I do is go to school (Yea for school at least I get out and it is productive). I come home take care of mom and study. Then on weekends I get to stay at home and clean house and do laundry (their laundry). I do not get to go anywhere. In fact this was the first time I went grocery shopping in about two months. My husband does it while he is out doing his thing on week ends. I guess he thinks he is helping but does not understand he could clean the house and do laundry one weekend and give me a break by going shopping. Or at least get out for a while and do something for myself.
Mom's short term memory is getting worse, but her health is doing very well. I am thankful for that. I am having a depressing day and sorry to drop this on you guys. You have enough problems of your own without hearing mine. But it does feel good to write it down.
I hope everyone is doing well!
Take care
Roxie
LostInLimbo
We took her on holidays last summer and it went pretty well - we let her sleep however late she wanted (usually until some time in the afternoon). I've shared with her some info on the local seniors rec centre - she states she isn't a "joiner". We've done a few mother in law/daughter in law getaways that she has quite enjoyed. She does fine when I go with ... but doing it on her own is another story and unfortunately the rest of my life is filled with stress. I find that when she sleeps "all day" I have a hard time with it. Mostly because I wish I had even a little more time ... and she has too much that I think she just sleeps it away. So part of the issue is with me ... and I think I do better not knowing that she is sleeping her days away. I am thinking maybe not calling until the evening when she is most likely to be awake.
She states she has lots of interests that she is now free to pursue ... she just doesn't take action. I know that doing new things at an older age is difficult so I do try to provide some support to get the process started.
I am trying SO hard not be judgemental about the situation ... especially as I don't know what she is really dealing with on the side and how it feels ... I am just trying to figure out how to take care of me (and the people I take care of work all day long in my work). I will see if one of the seniors tours might get something happening ... thanks.
I am new to this website ... but am hoping for some advice. I am trying to help my mother in law get her life back again after her husband's death (married for 25 years) two years ago. The past two years have been rough for everyone especially for her ... she still has not been able to get herself back into any regular activities any kind of daytime structure. She sleeps frequently through most of the day (and is often up much of the night).
She is 77 and does not have any mobility issues per se. She has been taking antidepressants for quite some time. She is fine when she has someone to be out and about with ... but sleeps most of the time when she is at home. She has very few friends. She drives, shops and lives on her own. I find it hard when she sleeps all hours - and then talks about all the things she isn't getting done.
I know she has been through a lot ... not that I know what it feels like. I so wish she could get back on her feet - find things in her life that would make her happy or give her pleasure. But... that has not happened and I don't think it will happen now ... I get stressed when I find that she is not getting herself going, is staying in bed (or going back to bed). I think this is still depression?