I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
Brenda
Brenda
When my mother goes to the bathroom I do not always catch her to see if her bowels move. One day her bowels moved three time really good, but when you ask her they have not moved for a month.
She can not even remember her bowels moving, so I have to go to the bathroom with her to see if they move or not. Now I am tired of checking, but I need to since she is having trouble with them.
Talking about pills my mother if I leave the pill box out she will take every pill in the box. I have started hiding it from her. Then that is all I hear. "Have I taken my pills today?" "yes you have." and "My bowels have not moved in a month." "They moved this morning."
That is our conversation during the day.
You are so right! It is so easy to feel resentment toward your family and the person you care for. which of course is immediately followed by guilt. The never ending cycle! I often find myself especially angry at my older brother. He can be a great help to me in medical issues because he is a physician, but that sometimes is a hindearance because he can't accept our mother's failing health. What drives me nuts is that he travels extensively (at least 7-10 days a month), while I feel guilt taking a 5 day respite once a year. Then he will stop by my house at 7:00 on sunday night and say "take off, I'll stay with Mom." Great~ another trip to Wal-Mart!
As far as feeling like a servant, Yeah! I often refer to myseld as an endentured servant or a serf on the manor! I have dealt with that by taking care of all my mother's business on my terms. I have power of attorney and I don't consult anyone except her financial advisor. I also take care of me. lunch and an afternoo movie can get me through a really long week. The thing that keeps me going is that feeling of having no regrets when the long goodbye is said!
At times I feel like a slave to everyone in the house.
Do you have a homemaker to come into the home to give you so relief? If nothing else go outside and just walk around the yard.
The stress seems unbearable at times. I seem to resent anyone that has the freedom to jump in the car and go anywhere they want at any time. I can not do that but my husband and my daughter can. I know they do not completely understand my feelings. I do take it out on them at times when I shouldn't.
I have left the room before because I resented my mother for being sick, then I look at her and think to myself it is not her fault. If she could she would make it all better for herself. She does not want to be in this shape either. Then I start feeling guilty for even thinking bad things. It is a catch 22 at times.
Just hang in there.
We are here for you.
I have someplace to vent and talk with others that understand this is great!!!!
Thanks again. I will be back maybe to help someone else if not just to vent again.
Thanks
I can so relate to your situation! I have been caring for my mother since a health crisis debilitated her about 4 years ago. It seems that she , too, declines every day. I fell obligated to care for my mother as long as I physically can
I have been there many times, and so have many others on this site. Truly being aware of what you are seeing when someone you love decline if impossible to describe to anyone who does not see it. That goes for friends, family and many times even spouses....You are special because you truly see and you truly care.
You have come to the right place - at least we all understand, and can reach out when we have some time.... 24/7 is very hard, what I have learned is to make the best of what there is in each day. I sometimes feel that a caregivers life is like the lead character in the movie "Life is Beautiful" with Robert Bennini. - If you haven't seen it, you may enjoy it, as it shows how humour can help cope with anything.
That said, the toll shouldering the burden takes can be very hard. Harder still if there are others who could help you but just dont *get it*. The best advice I can give you about your fear of losing control is to let go - breathe - cry - breath again. You will feel better if you release the tension rather than trying to control how you feel.
stay on this board and ask as many questions as you want - vent as much as you want - say what no one else wants to hear. I know lots of people will respond - so I'll just say - welcome - you've found a safe place to talk.
take care and be kind to yourself.