My FIL passed away in August. Since then my 79 year old MIL has become reliant on us from banking to her entertainment. She has very few friends (because she is somewhat arrogant, opinionated, uninterested in others and self-centered) and as such my husband feels compelled that we need to spend a lot of time with her. Before this we would see her once every 1-2 months but now she is at my house 2-3 times per week. I am growing weary of her constant comments that I perceive as negative criticism, she blatantly disregards some of my wishes or involves herself in discussions between my husband & I that are none of her business. When I bring these issues up with my husband I am told to ignore it or we land up in an argument, where I feel like I am being guilted into a situation that I am unhappy with. I feel as though I have been very accommodating given the relationship I have with my MIL but would also like to spend some time with my family away from her. When I however bring this up with my husband we land up in a massive argument. I thought we had discussed and agreed on what would happen to our parents once one of the partners passes on and I am now finding myself fighting for some personal time with my family.
Boundaries need to be set, and soon. But your H doesn't appear to want to do this? What I see happening in the future is that when she becomes unable to live by herself, that she will be living with you. So best to turn THAT train around now!
Others will have more detailed suggestions for you.
He is setting a precedent that will be difficult to change in the future as mom is learning to lean on him instead of stand on her own.
You need to decide how much you can deal with, because she will slowly creep in and be a larger presence than she is now if some boundaries are not set and enforced.
Can you kindly call her out when she is criticizing you in your home? My unmarried sister was always telling me how to better take care of my husband. I had to learn to laugh it off and tell her that she is welcome to implement the program she wants to see but, I will not be picking it up when she leaves. Never stopped her until the day she died but, I was able to let it role off my back instead of feeling criticized and resentful about her view that somehow I was not good enough to my husband, 25 years and the happiness in our home tells the truth for anyone that cares enough to look.
I would try to not get involved with what he is doing personally for his mom, I would just get your role clarified so everyone's can know what to expect from you.
Sometimes we have to share our spouse's to a greater degree than we want to but, I know that I appreciated my husband when he steps back, covers my back and lets me do what I need to for my parents. We both honor one anothers heart towards extended family and it has been tremendously successful. I don't have to see his if I don't want to and vise versa, even to the point of taking trips without each other.
This is probably harder for him than he is willing to admit, so try dealing with her directly when she is out of line and cover his back while he sorts out the new reality. Maybe you and your children can go enjoy some family fun time while he has some private time with his mom.
Such a difficult situation for everyone involved, it is so important to sort out what is your deal breaker. Best luck getting that figured out.
Just to clarify, the relationship between my FIL & MIL was not a warm and loving one. She blames him for everything wrong her in her life. She did / does not take responsibility for the situation she was / is in and has never done anything to change her situation.
My H & I agreed that none of the parents would be able to stay with us once one spouse passed on. This came up when we purchased our property 7 years ago and were contemplating to purchase a property with a flatlet. My parents indicated that they would be willing to contribute financially towards the flatlet and would like to stay there on an ad hoc basis. My husband was against this. Our relationship with my parents has always been warm, whereas the one with his parents was not. As such, we then agreed that none of the parents would be able to permanently stay with us.
I do sympathize with my MIL being on her own and appreciate the fact that she requires assistance with certain tasks. However, I do feel that a lot of her isolation stems from her own doing, She is very negative (not just since the passing of my FIL), opinionated and dismissive of people. She does not even feign any sort of interest in getting to know others. I have tried to introduce her to ladies of her own age but this is somewhat embarrassing for me when these people try to engage with her and she blatantly ignores them.
We have gone out of our way to assist her in the past 4 months. My husband is handling all the estate and financial issues, he has cleaned up most of my FIL's building rubble & tools, we have taken her for a 3 week holiday around the country (as she never travelled with her husband and has not seen much of the country she has been living in for the past 40 years). Of the 3 weeks, I spent the entire time with her, while my husband left for work half the time. Also, we have taken her on multiple weekend trips with us and will be spending Christmas Day with her.
My husband indicates that he does not like spending time with his mother because she irritates him. He however wants her around but basically leaves her with me. When she is at our place he is either at work or disappears to another room. He is leaving me with someone that over the past 17 years that my H & I have been together, I have never been able to connect with.
I have assisted her now in looking for accommodation in a retirement village and have identified a place that she likes. This village also arranges all sorts of activities for the elderly, and I hope she will make some new friends / acquaintances there and she becomes less dependent on us for companionship.
On addressing her directly when she is out of line: I have asked her to do certain things (like stop feeding my 4 year old copious quantities of cake every time she is at my house) yet she chooses to ignore it and continues to bring the cake along. My husband does not have my back on this and as such my authority in my own house is being dismissed in front of my child. I am uncertain how to introduce the boundaries in these situations, where it is clear that my wishes are being ignored and my H is ok with it.
"She blames him for everything wrong her in her life. She did / does not take responsibility for the situation she was / is in and has never done anything to change her situation".
Her disposition may be to be emotionally relient on someone. With FIL gone, has she already set her sights on your DH? He's not super keen on that by the way he is hiding out in his own house! That's him making boundaries for himself. My DH does that too.. his rellies pop over & suddenly he is busy with a noisy power tool somewhere 😆
Stand firm if MIL tries to make changes in your home. Sounds like she is testing your boundaries - who is Top Hen? Make it light if you can. "That's interesting" is always a good reply to unwanted advice. Or if pushed hard, "Yes your way sounds interesting but I prefer to do it my way *in MY house*".
Helping to find a retirement village is brilliant 👍👍.
It is supportive, useful & gives a clear message that moving with you is not an option. You may even find you get along better, once MIL is settled in a new place & finds her feet in her new life.