What is it with parents from the generation spanning 1928 to 1950? Ugly, abusive behind closed doors and Susie sunshine to the outer world. Have always been told "I wish I'd never seen your goddamn face" and many other obnoxious spewed words. Every aspect of my life has been torn apart by this monster. Know many people brought up by same era parents who have been destroyed by these elder idiots who knew nothing about decency, let alone parenting. Some physical abuse as well, but nothing like what Dave Pelzer went through ("A Child Called It")...his mother came from same generation. Was it because there was no birth control or abortions to correct lustful incidents....so take it out on the result? Trying to live my life free of this negative, putrid person. Geographic distance now helping. Tired of the societal-induced "obligation" to care for someone always chomping at my behind. This same society is the same that sees these people as good as they play their grand facade to those whose opinions they cherish over their own blood. WTH was wrong with this generation to desire to mow down their own? Was it the psycho generation? Thoughts please. Thank you.
My DH and I benefited from that time, too, as great jobs were available easily for us when we quit school or graduated professionally. I feel so sorry for many young people today, as times are often tougher for them, but I am also sorry for the people who are now victims of those ‘good old times’.
I really appreciated your post.
You don't give anyone a 'pass' for their behavior, but understand that they act the way they do because of how they were raised..not excusing unkindness in them as adults, but having compassion.
I do think my MIL is doing the best she can/could. Sadly, her 'best' was terrible and left long lasting scars. Only my intervention with DH when we had kids and I did NOT allow spanking or any kind of corporal punishment of any kind--and he thought every single infraction would require a beating. (and I mean, draw blood and welts kind of beatings). He truly thought that was OK. I had to tell him I would divorce him in a NY second if he hit our kids.
I do not paint that entire generation with one brush, nor do I accept the unkind labels as a 'baby boomer'.
People can change. But it requires a certain amount of self awareness and sadly, the Narc personality is not strong on introspection.
The best thing YOU can do is to have limited, no contact or Gray Rock contact with your mother, or your own life will continue to be destroyed with negativity and hatred. I myself try to remember that my mother, also a narcissistic type from the Silent Generation, had a dysfunctional upbringing HERSELF, and didn't have the tools or the cognitive skills to realize she was perpetuating that dysfunction with ME, with her marriage, and with her own life. She was doing the best SHE could, in her limited scope of understanding. Of course, that didn't make MY life, or my dad's life, or my grandmother's life, any easier. But it helps to explain the 'why's' of what went on and helps with trying to develop forgiveness NOW. If I try to forgive my 94 y/o mother every day for all she's done, it helps ME move past my own resentment & anger issues. That's the purpose of forgiveness.
Trying to analyze these women, which I have personally done for decades, doesn't do much to 'fix' them, either. So focusing on coping techniques for OURSELVES is best. Here is a pretty awesome article on the subject which you may find useful:
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/#3
Wishing you the best of luck taking care of YOURSELF now!
I dont know how old your mom is but there is a book, "A Generation of Sociopaths: How the Baby Boomers Betrayed America." You should check it out.
My brother and I agreed on one thing, what we "owe" (and I really don't like that word) our parents is to make sure they are safe and well cared for. We don't need to do that caring. Yes, I had my Mom in my home for 20 months until she had the money to place her in an AL. But my Mom was easy. If she had been a miserable hateful person that would not have happened.
If you tell us more about what is going on with Mom, maybe we can help you find resources. How old is she, how old are u. Are u living with her or she is living with her or living separate. Do u work. Family?
With a person like this you need to set boundries. What you are willing to do what you are not willing to do. You don't "owe" Mom ur life. As an abused child, you really don't owe her anything. You will get a lot of help from this forum.
You know my MIL? Seriously? You are describing her to a T and this is actually a little scary.
She was born in 1930--and forced into a shotgun marriage at age 17. That's my BIL. Then 2 years later came my DH. 5 years later, she had my SIL, who doesn't 'get it'--sees her mom as a 'little difficult' when my DH and BIL went through absolute hell as kids. Beaten every day. told they were worthless and useless and mistakes---BIL left home at age 17 and never returned. DH just absorbed all the vitriol and learned to self hate pretty well.
To the outside world, they were clean, fed and well groomed always. You would NEVER look at a pic of them and think 'these sad boys were seriously abused'.
Fairly recently she told DH she wished she'd aborted him--he ruined her life by keeping her tied to a man she hated.
I don't care if you're 5, 25 or 68, talk like that is painful and leaves long lasting emotional damage. My DH is JUST NOW getting 'over' the pain of what his evil mother did to him. He walked out on her a month ago and ignored her birthday celebration (90th) and is not planning to see her at Christmas. WE're fully expecting she'll cut him out of her will--and probably leave him as POA...that would be just like her twisted thinking.
My own mom has some of these aspects and it took me years to break free of the negative. Mom actually DOES have a soft side, and sometimes we see it.
And yep, you ask someone who 'sort of' knows them and they'll say "oh your sweet MIL" and DH and I look at each other and think "are you KIDDING me?".
I do not know what was 'wrong' with that generation. The previous one--my grandmothers-these women seemed so much more calm and gentle.
I suppose we can discuss this all day, and not really ever put it to bed. Needless to say both my DH's mom and mine have left lasting damage that has impacted our lives forever. We both are always working on behaviors and attitudes and deeper emotional issues.
Honestly? The best you can do when you are a 'target' of the hatred is to remove yourself and place huge boundaries up and maintain them.
I know DH and I are NOT alone in this....I am glad for you that you got away. And I hope you have found great love in your life. DH and I both have---through serious work and therapy.
There is good and bad in every demographic, the main difference is that today people are less apt to "keep it in the family", and younger generations have gone far beyond talking it out with friends and are freely posting their angst on social media. I'm sorry you grew up with a monster but as an adult you have many more resources available to you to find healing than any previous generation, for your own sake please use them and move on to a better life.
I think we have several chances at a great family. The one we are born to and the one we ourselves create. I was lucky both times, but as you describe it you were unlucky time number one., the time you have little choice or say in the matter.
Time to move on the time number two. Stop having anything to do with people who hurt you. It is often easier said than done to make the choice to move forward in life. We stay in the "known" sometimes, because we understand the rules, the risks and the rewards. Consider getting professional help to guide you forward.
I wish you the very best of luck.