Countrymouse Posted November 2018
On My Mind
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Replacing the much lamented 'On My Mind' profile option, this thread is for musings, jottings, whimsies, preoccupations and the rest of the thesaurus for anyone to jot down anything they please.
I can't remember what the maximum character count was before, can anyone else? But anyway it wasn't very many so let's keep to that.
So it’s worth developing a plan with DH. Sitting on the back porch doesn’t develop a new life, and the longer you leave it, the harder it gets.
My DH is the same and I have been slowly making changes little by little to make our lives easier and more streamlined. It is too bad you couldn't have just stayed at your parents house when you went to NY until it sold at least. Then no 1 year lease commitment.
I am sorry about your friend who is dying from cancer. It is so hard to lose someone you care about so much. Cancer is a real b***h.
That’s understandable.
My DH and I already have said once his mother dies we don’t see any reason to go back . The drive through the city is horrendous . Plus DH has traveled his whole career for work . He has 4-5 more years left . He keeps saying he just wants to stay home and sit out back on the deck .
We have a few trips on a bucket list , but nothing over the top or very far .
It is true , it is difficult to make friends or maintain friendships . That’s been our whole life due to my husband’s work travel and then me wrapped up for 10 years when my parents followed us so I could take care of them .
We have a few neighbors who are our friends and some from DH’s local office . But they are all older than us and retired . They are busy seeing grandchildren on weekends . And two of them are fighting cancer right now . Hard to get together unless it’s during the week , but that doesn’t work for us. It’s weird .
It is going to be a hodge podge of stuff. I wish I could get excited about it — it is a very nice place — but I just can’t. All I see is another year of my life going up in smoke.
It is difficult making and maintaining friendships when you are living out of a suitcase which is how my life has been for the past three years. I can’t commit to much in CA where we also live if you have a foot on each coast. I just want it to stop.
Maybe your DH will realize it’s not the same anymore , before the lease is up and not sign again . Or maybe he’ll even realize sooner and you can sublet .
So now you have to set up a whole apt ? Is it furnished ?
I moved from Long Island 19 years ago when I was 40. We had lived there our whole lives . In the beginning we used to go back every 2-3 months . Now we only go back to see my MIL and one couple occasionally . Our other friends have all left except I have one good friend/former coworker still there but she has Alzheimer’s pretty bad now . When we go back to LI , we can’t wait to come home to PA. This is where our life is . It’s also changed where we lived on LI.
I was going to fly back by myself to see my dad and stay with friends for a few days every six weeks but now I have this place and am going to still be here for big swaths of time. And all it will be is a stark reminder of how sick our friend is.
Sigh.
She has been on my heart and I pray she is well.
I have an old varicose vain, bothered me after having kids, but has been years. When I flew in May it ached a little. Nothing serious but I was surprised, sence i even forgot it was there. Not sure if it was the way I sat or the pressure. Probably both, I sat different on the way back and it was better. I totally understand how dangerous this is.
I have no clue why these aging people are so difficult. It makes no sense to me.
And I understand your frustration with DH , but you can't change anyone. Just be glad they don't live closer to you
Yes , I will tell DH your last line .
However , I know what he will say .
“ If I tell my mother that , she will tell me that she’s not planning on an emergency happening “. That is what she always says.
His mother has an answer for everything that suits her wants and is based on denial .
DH told her it’s not a good idea . She said she will ask the doctor . We are assuming the doctor will tell her not to fly . She won’t listen though . DH also told her he may have a work trip at that time and would not be available .
DH is much nicer than me . I’m at the point of telling her she’s declining and needs to stay put unless she wants an expensive ride back home in an ambulance , hearse , or cargo belly of an airplane . Direct is the only thing that rarely works on this woman . 🙄🙄
Also the family helps family is mentioned on DH’s side . It’s amazing , the level of nearly ignoring us the last 35 years, until they got really old . Then they act like we’ve been so close .
Yeah.. my DH is like that. Why waste his time planning for A or B when it could be CDEFG? I think he prides himself on his quick thinking decision making.
Quick! Shoot that wild beast running our way! (I of course have thoroughly researched the area, the safest way to travel, what beasts are likely to be present).
Just this weekend, I avoided a situation with high potential risk of mission creep, of falling in a hole. DH said just go.. but say no & leave if you need to.
I'd rather AVOID any chance of falling in that sticky hole thankyou. I guess Way does also.
So. Way stays put. Way's DH lives his merry life. Until a crises befalls. Then he scrambles, packs a bag, boards a flight etc. Way has concrete plans that cannot be changed. Or a sudden bad toothache. Or deadpans "I am not responsible for MIL's lack of planning.
I warned MIL there were risks.
MIL choose to take those risks.
Therefore the consequences are hers".
#tough love
PS I googled the saying:
Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
I doubt it . It’s a horrible drive during beach season through NYC to go out to eastern Long Island. We probably won’t go until after Labor Day .
Honestly a lot can be hidden over the phone.
You are correct , dh is not a planner in these situations . He sees no reason to make plans ahead of time for something that he doesn’t know exactly what the problem will be until it happens . Drives me nuts .
I’m trying to get dh to move up
our next visit , to literally see how she is .
The cat garden sounds lovely.
Just protect yourself as much as you can. Do you have to go with dh when the crisis happens? R is a reactor too, and I am a planner. I extract myself as much as I can from the last minute reaction stuff. And throw out ideas that he has never thought of that could make it easier for me and him. Like - this one or that one (looking at me hopefully) could drive him what would be 240 - 300 miles round trip because his other car is at his uncles. I said rent a car one way and drop it off there. If he can't drive yet he shouldn't be travelling anyway.
On the other hand these reactors are great in a crisis. We all have our roles.
Enjoying the morning sun on the balcony and watching my little cat garden grow. and watching the young crows fly low.
Contingency plan ? DH said MIL’s brother is in FL to help MIL. I told DH , all that means is he will be calling you to come .
I’m glad R is home . And wish him a speedy recovery .
Thanks.
You can't change mil. I hope dh stays with the "no rescue" but i know you know him best. You do have to be very firm with your boundaries or people like mil run rampant over them. It's probably ideal of you can be nice and firm but some people see nice as a chink in your armour and move in the get their way.
Do you have a contingency plan in case she gdoes fly and becomes ill? It could probably be managed by phone.
I'm thankful to not be making hospital visits any more. R's ward had a covid outbreak which ended the day he left so I had to mask up and sanitize. I wasn't worried about getting covid - more about losing my hearing aids which are "over the ear" type and can get flicked off when I de-mask.
way - try to relax and think of other things. They take up too much room in our heads!!! ((((hugs))))
I have found you have to be more forceful in defending boundaries with stubborn elders , or they disregard what you say .
I may have to call . Uggh. That may speak louder since I never talk to her on the phone .
And actually unfair to the people on the plane. If they have to do an emergency landing
She didn’t really listen to DH, she dismissed what he said on the phone today . Then she says “ I”ll give you my itinerary just in case”.
In case what ? We aren’t rescuing her , so DH says . We will see . I think we will be packing suitcases .
And MIL won’t draw up POA. So of course DH has no tools if needed. She also still has her partner with cancer and dementia being her servant instead of hiring help in or moving to AL. Really tired of the stubbornness .
That's just plan dumb, lol I didn't realize your mil had a blood clot. Wow
Before this sudden turn of events she has been on blood thinners already for the past two months due to a blood clot in her leg that they believe was from a bout of Covid. That clot had resolved . She’s basically a ticking time bomb from all these clots .
On the other hand , my very frail 87yo mother in law in stage 4 CLL , has been walking around with a blood clot in her leg for the past 3 months and is planning to fly !! Also a ticking time bomb . She will probably survive it .
I think he liked the attention at the hospital but he laid around too much. He is going to have a bath so I said "Not too hot!!!" He had installed grab bars in his bathroom tub after the knee surgery which he feels are good for now too. His arms are strong.
I don't see any problems with his memory or concentration or mood. The worse is the headaches which he had already to some degree with the hormone treatment, and being a bit wobbly when he is upright, though that is improving rapidly.
Very thankful he is doing so well.This is the guy who after falling from one story to a lower one in a house under construction breaking his pelvis in 4 places, drove himself to his parents as he knew they would be home, before going into shock. The doctors said he might never walk again and would be on pain pills the rest of his life. In the hospital he used to hide the pills he was given under his mattress. He said all he thought about was riding again and within the year was walking, back up on a horse and taking no pain pills. He's one tough cookie!
He did not finish the fence and he went to the ER on his own. So they just started running because they new a farmer doesn't leave a fence half done or go to ER without being told.
This is what we both got, we just do the best we can!
To all are Canadian friends, stay safe!
Now round 2 starts, I guess. I will be the chauffeur for a while. His mobility with a cane seems pretty good.
nacy - yeah he's like your hub. As he is out in pastures or driving from one to another I can't ready redirect him but just have to plan a few relaxing activities for down time when he is free.
cw - I hear you. God is telling him you slow down!!! I think so too but it's up to him. I can encourage and hope it makes a difference. Prayers along this line would be appreciated. He has hobbies - painting, woodworking - so he always has things to do.
So much for getting ready for his return. Thank goodness for grocery delivery service. I seem to have recovered. I slept a lot and took a few extra supplements and felt good when I woke up. Bless God!