Follow
Share
Read More
Find Care & Housing

10K Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
37 38 39 40 41
Anxietynacy,

I understand that !!
When we first moved in , the neighbor behind us would invite us to come over if he saw us on our deck . There were other neighbors that hung out all summer long at this house on weekends at night. This group drank so much, we stopped going . I like a glass of wine occasionally , but I don’t find hanging out with incoherent people enjoyable.

Now they are in their late 60’s . I only see the two neighbors behind me hanging out drinking . The rest stopped over the years even though they still live across the street from the original party house .

DH never drank , he didn’t like beer and he said the rest of it tastes like cough medicine . It was always awkward for him at business dinners , especially when he was younger . People would ask why he doesn’t drink .
Now he’s diabetic , so he can’t anyway .
(1)
Report
@sp196902.

We will try to do 2 of them before he retires . It should be possible .

@Margaret,
I agree . We had been looking at 55 and overs to move in and meet people . We have given up . New are too expensive . The older ones need work and the bidding wars are ridiculous . They sell for crazy prices and then you have to gut it . I’m alittle over an hour from Philadelphia . A lot of people come to retire here. We have 2 large hospital systems . People move here from New York and New Jersey too . A lot of competition for housing . Will stay put for now at least and need to find a new way to meet people our own age .
We have decided to revisit moving later . When DH retires we could expand our search radius without having to have a work commute to be a concern .
(1)
Report
Many of us change our lives after retirement. I’ve moved 1500 kms to a place where I knew no-one. I met a couple of ‘wives’ from DH’s motor club, but every other contact has been a challenge for me. I have to sign on for classes and seniors events, be the first to talk etc, and it isn’t easy. Most of the retiree-age women have been here most of their lives - there’s a big turnover in younger people who come to work until their children reach high-school age, but the older people are stayers.

So it’s worth developing a plan with DH. Sitting on the back porch doesn’t develop a new life, and the longer you leave it, the harder it gets.
(2)
Report
@Way I hope you guys can take a few trips now rather than waiting until your DH retires in 4 -5 years. We never know what curve balls like is going to throw at us and I have learned it is better to do things now while you are still healthy instead of waiting because you just never know what's coming around the corner.
(4)
Report
@Hothouseflower I totally get that about your DH wanting to hold onto his old life and I get you wanting to move on and put it all behind you. You have been through the wringer going back every 3 months or so for a few years now.

My DH is the same and I have been slowly making changes little by little to make our lives easier and more streamlined. It is too bad you couldn't have just stayed at your parents house when you went to NY until it sold at least. Then no 1 year lease commitment.

I am sorry about your friend who is dying from cancer. It is so hard to lose someone you care about so much. Cancer is a real b***h.
(2)
Report
Hothouse,

That’s understandable.
My DH and I already have said once his mother dies we don’t see any reason to go back . The drive through the city is horrendous . Plus DH has traveled his whole career for work . He has 4-5 more years left . He keeps saying he just wants to stay home and sit out back on the deck .
We have a few trips on a bucket list , but nothing over the top or very far .

It is true , it is difficult to make friends or maintain friendships . That’s been our whole life due to my husband’s work travel and then me wrapped up for 10 years when my parents followed us so I could take care of them .

We have a few neighbors who are our friends and some from DH’s local office . But they are all older than us and retired . They are busy seeing grandchildren on weekends . And two of them are fighting cancer right now . Hard to get together unless it’s during the week , but that doesn’t work for us. It’s weird .
(1)
Report
Way, not furnished. I had some furniture that I kept in my parents’ garage and taking some of my parents’ furniture.

It is going to be a hodge podge of stuff. I wish I could get excited about it — it is a very nice place — but I just can’t. All I see is another year of my life going up in smoke.

It is difficult making and maintaining friendships when you are living out of a suitcase which is how my life has been for the past three years. I can’t commit to much in CA where we also live if you have a foot on each coast. I just want it to stop.
(3)
Report
Hothouse ,

Maybe your DH will realize it’s not the same anymore , before the lease is up and not sign again . Or maybe he’ll even realize sooner and you can sublet .

So now you have to set up a whole apt ? Is it furnished ?

I moved from Long Island 19 years ago when I was 40. We had lived there our whole lives . In the beginning we used to go back every 2-3 months . Now we only go back to see my MIL and one couple occasionally . Our other friends have all left except I have one good friend/former coworker still there but she has Alzheimer’s pretty bad now . When we go back to LI , we can’t wait to come home to PA. This is where our life is . It’s also changed where we lived on LI.
(2)
Report
My parents home is on the market and my DH was insistent that we still maintain a presence in NY and rent an apartment in NY. I’m so tired of arguing about it and gave in. We just signed a year lease. He is having trouble letting go of his old life here but it doesn’t exist anymore. What we had before will never be again. Our friend who is the person who made our lives here wonderful is dying. She has incurable brain cancer. I’m just depressed that I’m in this for yet another year.

I was going to fly back by myself to see my dad and stay with friends for a few days every six weeks but now I have this place and am going to still be here for big swaths of time. And all it will be is a stark reminder of how sick our friend is.

Sigh.
(3)
Report
If I was a case manager , social worker at a hospital or rehab , I would end up being fired for helping out families and teaching them to say it’s an unsafe discharge .
(3)
Report
Has anyone heard if needhelpwithmom is okay or just taking a break?

She has been on my heart and I pray she is well.
(1)
Report
Beatty ,

Yes , I will tell DH your last line .
However , I know what he will say .

“ If I tell my mother that , she will tell me that she’s not planning on an emergency happening “. That is what she always says.

His mother has an answer for everything that suits her wants and is based on denial .

DH told her it’s not a good idea . She said she will ask the doctor . We are assuming the doctor will tell her not to fly . She won’t listen though . DH also told her he may have a work trip at that time and would not be available .

DH is much nicer than me . I’m at the point of telling her she’s declining and needs to stay put unless she wants an expensive ride back home in an ambulance , hearse , or cargo belly of an airplane . Direct is the only thing that rarely works on this woman . 🙄🙄

Also the family helps family is mentioned on DH’s side . It’s amazing , the level of nearly ignoring us the last 35 years, until they got really old . Then they act like we’ve been so close .
(3)
Report
Golden said it. Reactor not a Planner.

Yeah.. my DH is like that. Why waste his time planning for A or B when it could be CDEFG? I think he prides himself on his quick thinking decision making.

Quick! Shoot that wild beast running our way! (I of course have thoroughly researched the area, the safest way to travel, what beasts are likely to be present).

Just this weekend, I avoided a situation with high potential risk of mission creep, of falling in a hole. DH said just go.. but say no & leave if you need to.

I'd rather AVOID any chance of falling in that sticky hole thankyou. I guess Way does also.

So. Way stays put. Way's DH lives his merry life. Until a crises befalls. Then he scrambles, packs a bag, boards a flight etc. Way has concrete plans that cannot be changed. Or a sudden bad toothache. Or deadpans "I am not responsible for MIL's lack of planning.
I warned MIL there were risks.
MIL choose to take those risks.
Therefore the consequences are hers".

#tough love

PS I googled the saying:
Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
(3)
Report
Anxietynacy,

I doubt it . It’s a horrible drive during beach season through NYC to go out to eastern Long Island. We probably won’t go until after Labor Day .
(1)
Report
@Golden ,

You are correct , dh is not a planner in these situations . He sees no reason to make plans ahead of time for something that he doesn’t know exactly what the problem will be until it happens . Drives me nuts .

I’m trying to get dh to move up
our next visit , to literally see how she is .

The cat garden sounds lovely.
(1)
Report
way - it's b*tch, isn't it? I seem to remember that your dh is not a planner, he's a reactor. Grrrr!!!

Just protect yourself as much as you can. Do you have to go with dh when the crisis happens? R is a reactor too, and I am a planner. I extract myself as much as I can from the last minute reaction stuff. And throw out ideas that he has never thought of that could make it easier for me and him. Like - this one or that one (looking at me hopefully) could drive him what would be 240 - 300 miles round trip because his other car is at his uncles. I said rent a car one way and drop it off there. If he can't drive yet he shouldn't be travelling anyway.

On the other hand these reactors are great in a crisis. We all have our roles.

Enjoying the morning sun on the balcony and watching my little cat garden grow. and watching the young crows fly low.
(1)
Report
Golden,

Contingency plan ? DH said MIL’s brother is in FL to help MIL. I told DH , all that means is he will be calling you to come .

I’m glad R is home . And wish him a speedy recovery .

Thanks.
(1)
Report
way I'm sorry about your neighbour and your mil. Sometimes there seems to be no justice,

You can't change mil. I hope dh stays with the "no rescue" but i know you know him best. You do have to be very firm with your boundaries or people like mil run rampant over them. It's probably ideal of you can be nice and firm but some people see nice as a chink in your armour and move in the get their way.

Do you have a contingency plan in case she gdoes fly and becomes ill? It could probably be managed by phone.

I'm thankful to not be making hospital visits any more. R's ward had a covid outbreak which ended the day he left so I had to mask up and sanitize. I wasn't worried about getting covid - more about losing my hearing aids which are "over the ear" type and can get flicked off when I de-mask.

way - try to relax and think of other things. They take up too much room in our heads!!! ((((hugs))))
(1)
Report
DH was too nice on the phone to her .
I have found you have to be more forceful in defending boundaries with stubborn elders , or they disregard what you say .

I may have to call . Uggh. That may speak louder since I never talk to her on the phone .
(3)
Report
MIL is now planning two trips to Florida . Originally it was one . DH told her she’s too frail to travel and he’s not rescuing her . She says she will be fine .

She didn’t really listen to DH, she dismissed what he said on the phone today . Then she says “ I”ll give you my itinerary just in case”.

In case what ? We aren’t rescuing her , so DH says . We will see . I think we will be packing suitcases .

And MIL won’t draw up POA. So of course DH has no tools if needed. She also still has her partner with cancer and dementia being her servant instead of hiring help in or moving to AL. Really tired of the stubbornness .
(1)
Report
My next door neighbor and good friend is 66 years old has been fighting lung cancer ( never smoked ) for the last 3 years including a major surgery to her neck and spine where she had already had mets to vertebrae when she was diagnosed. Had chemo, radiation. Oral meds to keep it “ at bay”. . She did well the past year . Was getting around , got back to driving , gardening enjoying her grandchildren . She is now in ICU with multiple blood clots , kidneys, spleen , brain . They have found a mass on one of her heart valves , causing her to form clots . She also had a stroke ( brain bleed) .

Before this sudden turn of events she has been on blood thinners already for the past two months due to a blood clot in her leg that they believe was from a bout of Covid. That clot had resolved . She’s basically a ticking time bomb from all these clots .


On the other hand , my very frail 87yo mother in law in stage 4 CLL , has been walking around with a blood clot in her leg for the past 3 months and is planning to fly !! Also a ticking time bomb . She will probably survive it .
(1)
Report
Lol. The same here, nacy. Fences take priority. He is doing well, and we feel the hospital made the right call. This morning he made his smoothie and then asked for needle and thread to mend a tear in a work shirt which he has done.Then he took pics of his bloody clothes for the insurance.

I think he liked the attention at the hospital but he laid around too much. He is going to have a bath so I said "Not too hot!!!" He had installed grab bars in his bathroom tub after the knee surgery which he feels are good for now too. His arms are strong.

I don't see any problems with his memory or concentration or mood. The worse is the headaches which he had already to some degree with the hormone treatment, and being a bit wobbly when he is upright, though that is improving rapidly.

Very thankful he is doing so well.This is the guy who after falling from one story to a lower one in a house under construction breaking his pelvis in 4 places, drove himself to his parents as he knew they would be home, before going into shock. The doctors said he might never walk again and would be on pain pills the rest of his life. In the hospital he used to hide the pills he was given under his mattress. He said all he thought about was riding again and within the year was walking, back up on a horse and taking no pain pills. He's one tough cookie!
(4)
Report
Welp - he's home. I slept through one phone call and woke up for the second of him telling me he was discharged as they need the bed and they can't do anymore for him. Different doctor. He has a referral to PT and to his doctor. We got home via the insurance office with no problems, He had a good meal and was reading, we were chatting and suddenly the headache came on so he rapidly went to bed.

Now round 2 starts, I guess. I will be the chauffeur for a while. His mobility with a cane seems pretty good.

nacy - yeah he's like your hub. As he is out in pastures or driving from one to another I can't ready redirect him but just have to plan a few relaxing activities for down time when he is free.

cw - I hear you. God is telling him you slow down!!! I think so too but it's up to him. I can encourage and hope it makes a difference. Prayers along this line would be appreciated. He has hobbies - painting, woodworking - so he always has things to do.

So much for getting ready for his return. Thank goodness for grocery delivery service. I seem to have recovered. I slept a lot and took a few extra supplements and felt good when I woke up. Bless God!
(6)
Report
Golden - I do know all the health issues are totally unrelated, I just feel that when there are clusters like that the universe may be trying to tell us.... something 🤷‍♀️
(1)
Report
Thanks all. cw - the prostate and the knee surgery were really nothing to do with his current activities, But being on the road so much increases his chances of being in an accident. I think he needs to rearrange his life abit so it is less dangerous in terms of farm equipment accidents. livestock accidents and vehicular accidents. But he is the one who has to make those decisions. I and others can encourage - gently or otherwise. The farm culture he was brought up in has the farmers working until they physically can't. His dad quit in his 70s when he got a pacemaker and doctors advice.

I should clarify - he is muscularly strong. Everything checked out well. The leg with the knee replacement is stronger than his other one. I think apart from the shock and trauma effect (or part of it) it is his blood pressure dropping that is the major problem. It went down to 50/30 at one point not long after the accident which caused some alarm, They checked his heart and it is good. His BP drops when he get up so he has to take it slowly.

In PT he is doing better every day. But his headache is worse after PT and he has to lie down and rest. They are now saying he may come home Sunday or Monday if he is willing to use a cane, which he is. He certainly has perked up a lot. He can read some now. The snacks have helped get his gut in better order,

He has a lot of experience with trauma - broke his neck, broke his pelvis etc so he knows how his body reacts and that he has to rest to heal. He doesn't want the tv on so I got him a little radio which he likes.

We've talked about soft food as his jaw will be sore for a while. That's easy,

I sort of crashed yesterday and only visited once and slept a lot. The next few days I will take it easy, visit only once a day and get ready for his return.

I am aware that head trauma is a risk factor for dementia. We will take one thing at a time. I believe he will recover well. He has come back from the knee surgery extremely well and also from the prostate surgery and the current hormone treatment which doesn't seem to be holding him back but may be contributing to the headaches.

Lots of rain recently here which clears the air nicely. and helps douse the wild fires.Alva there are always lots many due to lightening strikes in the forest and we have a lot of forest, But it is worse recently with the increased heat.

We so appreciate your prayers, good thoughts and hugs. I know they help.
(3)
Report
Golden, so sorry to hear about R. I hope things will get better soon for him.
I am hearing about the fires and they say there are 100s of fires currently in Canada.
(5)
Report
Golden, May The Lord touch R, may HE be with him during PT and give his body strength. May HE keep you healthy and feeling well while you deal with this. Great big warm hug!!!
(2)
Report
Golden, I’m sorry to hear he’s still in the hospital. Good to hear of his interest in food and drawing. Wrist weights maybe? It’s so difficult to keep up one’s strength while recovering from anything.

More rain here (I’m an hour from the GTA) while the west burns. I hope a soaking soon douses the fires!

Sending vibes of strength your way.
(2)
Report
Thx for the update Golden. You guys are still in my prayers.
(3)
Report
Golden,
Good news but long way to recovery. Great that all the tests are good, maybe they can increase his PT gradually?
Hopefully he will eat enough but lots of tasty snacks will do him good. Even if they are not the best for him but in short term they would not do much harm.
Thinking of both of you and hope you update us.
(2)
Report

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter