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I went to the cemetery over the weekend, as I usually do and go through the same self questioning, apologizing, and feeling sad over my mom. Then after a few minutes I suddenly came to the realization that I have to move on and start living my life. And as soon as I thought that, the feelings of sadness and grief just left me. And while I still miss my mom, it's not with the same depth of grief or yearning. That realization just snapped me out of it. My mom is in the next world, as I believe, and I am still here with who knows how many years left. So the issue is and has been moving out of state as I have wanted to do for many years. I have been vacillating back and forth, should I move or stay. And I realize that at 65 years old I need to move, just to accomplish this goal I have and wanted to do for many years. If I don't I know I will feel disappointed in myself and that an opportunity has passed. So I am trying to stick with this goal of moving. I feel I really can't and don't want to stay here anymore. So I am giving it a go in 3 or 4 months. If it doesn't work out, I am still in a good position to move somewhere else. But I feel that time is running out and I need to live the life I've wanted to live for a long time in an area I've always loved since I was young. Curious what your advice would be. Any advice, thoughts, concerns is welcome and would be helpful. Thanks.

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If it's been a dream of yours for awhile I would move. Nothing says if it doesn't work out that you can't move again. I moved last year while my Mom was still alive. I had planned where I wanted to live and had made some arrangements. I'm still here and have made major changes in my life. No regrets.
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I think you should go for it! Like you say, you've been thinking about it, presumably are aware of pros and cons, and have an exit strategy if it doesn't work out. People move all the time. America (which I assume is where you are) is a land of people who move around, always has been. Why shouldn't you?
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Bloom, I've been reading your threads since you began posting sometime ago. Honestly, I think you're pushing yourself too much to make a decision, too soon, without adequate time to adjust to the new reality.

You're ONLY 65; I'm 73 and do plan to move when I'm no longer a caregiver, but I plan to travel first to get a better feel for where I want to move. And I won't do it w/o a lot of research, on crime and tax levels in the areas under consideration, on opportunities for seniors, on weather and how climate change is affecting that area, on educational and medical communities in reasonable proximity, and more aspects.

There's no reason why you have to make a decision on moving now, especially as winter is approaching.

Give yourself a break, research, create a variety of plans, chart the positives and negatives, then when you feel more settled start visiting areas and make very sure that that is what you want to do, rather than doing it because you feel you just need to move forward, ready or not.
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Dear Bloom,

I really empathize where you are coming from. You have devoted so much of your life and time to your beloved mother. Grief is a long journey. But like the others have said, its okay to take a leap if and when you are ready for change.

The first year of grief is ones of the hardest. I was raw and thought a lot about running away from my life. Everywhere I turned reminded me of my dad and it was painful. I'm still debating about buying a new home. Its a lot to consider. I'm going to follow GardenArtist's advice.:-)
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Well, I am coming out of the fog of the death of my mom. I've read where people use the term "fog". Never understood it until a few weeks ago when I realized I am seeing life with more clarity again. Grief is so hard, losing a loved one is unimaginably traumatic. But, I am doing so much better these days. And now I am thinking of not moving out of state. Thinking I might be smarter if I stay put another year. Partly because of the way the country is heading, and partly because of money fears. My friend who is ready for retirement is in debt thousands of dollars, and that kind of scared me. So I am thinking staying put for a while and playing it safe. I'd still like a nicer place to live in. My apartment is only 500 square feet, small. Not enough room. But I'm just trying to be grateful and satisfied for what I have. I have to remind myself daily of that fact. I guess we all always want more. Just human nature I guess. But my sadness is pretty much gone, though I still think of my mom daily, wish she was here. And I realize that I am in a new life. When I think of my mom and dad (dad died when I was 21, and I hardly knew him, it was abusive relationship), it's like I don't know them. They didn't reveal themselves to me emotionally, I don't even know much about their lives, or their lives when they were growing up. It's amazing that this connection we have with our parents, but with mine, it's like, who were these people, what a loss of not knowing them hardly at all, even though we all lived in the same house(s) growing up. Amazing. Anyway I thought I'd post this today as a progress report. I am painting again, painting pictures, that is. And while, I'm just quite average at it, I am enjoying it very much, and I feel that it gives me something to dig into and helps me get back living life. Happy holidays and new years to all of you!!
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This sounds great, bloomschool. You are so brave, and strong. I hope I'll have the same strength when the time will come for me.

I can relate to the dream of starting a new life somewhere else. But yes, as you say, you ARE living a new life already, and you do have time to make plans and dream and heal before doing anything too big... the idea that GardenArtist gave you about travelling, I think that is excellent; on a quest to find where your next life "could" be, without too much pressure...

wishing you the very best
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Thanks, Arwen31. Yes, I am starting to think about traveling. Sometimes, I guess, life throws some surprises our way. And somehow we just get through it all. I felt very weak, and totally unbrave this past year with everything my mom went through. More times than not, I cried and found myself on the floor kneeling and praying for help. I think our survival instinct gets us through some of it. I used to think my mom would live to 100 and I'd have her around forever. How I wish that were true. Well, we make the best of whatever comes our way. At least we try. I look forward to seeing my mom again when its my time. In the meantime as I come out of this fog, slowly but surely, I want to start enjoying life again.
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bloom - glad you are feeling better. Your grief will come and go - at least it does for most people. Staying put and being financially secure are both good ideas. You can always move later if you decide it is the best thing for you. Keeping a less expensive home base means you can have extra money to travel.

I am so glad you are painting again. It is a wonderful means of self expression. I am sure our survival instincts get us through the tough times. There is real comfort in knowing we will see our loved ones again.

Sounds like you are doing well!
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Dear Bloom,

Thank you for sharing. I too wanted to start over after my dad passed last year but I too have remained to stay put for now. Glad you are feeling like you are coming out of a fog and enjoying the painting. I think the key is to keep moving forward the best we can. I too wanted my father to live to 100 and I guess as children in a way we just expect our parents to live forever.

Take care and all the best for 2018.
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I guess the biggest issue I have is what to do for my future. I am retired for 2 years now. The first year I watched my mother go downhill. The second year, she passed on and I'm in recovery mode. As I look at my future down the road, I just don't know what to do. Do I need goals? Find myself just wandering aimlessly at the present time. Any suggestions would be welcome. Thanks.
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Dear Bloom,

I hear you loud and clear. I think we all go through this struggle after a long time caring for our elderly parents. I wish there was an answer because I am looking for one too. First, I struggled to accept my dad's passing. I kept punishing myself because I feel I made a fatal error in his care. Now, I just feel empty because I didn't realize how much my own identity was wrapped in taking care of him.

Everyone in my life has been encouraging but I still haven't really found my way. From reading other threads, I see the following suggestions come up over and over again. I hope they will be a starting point.

Volunteering
Looking for a job
Painting
Walking
Meditation
Traveling
MeetUp groups in you area
Journaling
Adopting a pet
Read inspirational books
Watch YouTube videos about re-inventing one's life

Try and expand your social circle as much as possible. I know its all easier said than done, but keep trying. If painting doesn't work, then try something else till something really resonates with you. We have to honor our parents by living as fully as possible.
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Happy new Year, bloom and cdnreader.

Great list above. I retired about 7 years ago and it took me 6 years to feel "retired." Mother is still alive but in a facility at a distance so she does not occupy that much of my time, though still a lot of my thoughts.
I think it is good to build a new routine - one without work and without caring for your mum. That leaves a lot of time to fill.

You have an opportunity here to "reinvent" yourself., build a new life incorporating things you couldn't fit in before but wanted to do. It can take awhile, and maybe some trial and error, to figure out what those things are.

You still will be grieving - for your mum and possibly some for your job. Personally, as much as was ready to retire, I still missed certain aspects of work e.g socializing with co-workers, lunch time discussions...You can't really replace those but you can find alternatives.

Let us know how you are doing.
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Book clubs, quilting circle? Anything that will get you out with others and socialising. I need to do a better job of that myself.
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Thanks. Very good suggestions. It's almost as if I need a new purpose in life. I took care of my mother , or at least worried and prayed for her since I was a kid, that now I am without a purpose. Though I am feeling fairly good these days. And as CDNREADER mentioned, I still think over the mistakes I made in my moms care. I know we can't redo the past, but I wish I had made informed and better decisions for her. But then, she had kidney failure, so in that case, nothing can be done. In any case, I am driving to New York State next week, I have an appointment to look at an apartment that will be available in April. If I like it, I will fill out an application then see what happens.
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Well, due to the snow/winter storm in the east, I didn't drive into New York State. Now I am changing my plans. Maybe drive west! Tired of this cold. Still confused as usual. Thanks.
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Hi bloom -you probably do need a new purpose and meaning in life and to be more centered around yourself. Thinking about the past and things one could have done better are normal aspects of grief. Changing your plans is too, hence the advice not to make big changes for at least a year. I know it is not a comfortable place to be in, but it is part of the journey you are on. Sometimes it is one day at a time and making the best of that. You are tired of the cold You can now move where it is warmer. Think on it. Eventually you will become more at ease, and what is important to you will emerge. (((((((hugs))))))
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Hi Bloom, how are you feeling?

I think Golden23 is right. It's not just the loss of your mom, it's also the "loss" of your job.
You have a tough couple, here. No wonder you feel confused and empty.
You know, I'm realizing more and more that sometimes I force myself to be productive and most of all to "feel" productive when I all I really need is to feel the void and accept it as natural; as Golden 23 says, what is important to you will emerge.

many blessings
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Arwen - yes, indeed, Feel your feelings, be true to how you are. Life is not all roses and sunshine, and what we want it to be.

bloom - it is said that the first year or two you live your life around your grief, then after, you live your grief around your life. I have found that to be true. All of what you are experiencing is normal grief.
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Well all good comments. I realize tha I can constantly remind myself of my loss/losses or just move on and build a new life. So as I write this I am in a motel in New York State, where I’ve wanted to move, and tomorrow I have an appointment to view an apartment. I will always have doubts as that is my personality. So I need to be decisive if I move. My mother is gone from this world, a harsh reality. And I wish it weren’t so. Now I have to rebuild, and it’s not going to happen magically on its own. Wherever I go I have to rebuild my life from the bottom.
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Good for you! I hope the apartment is lovely and just what you want. And if it isn't, you will just move on to the next step.
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Dear Bloom,

Thank you for the updates. I know its really hard. But I'm glad you are taking the step to look at this new apartment. You were a very loving and dutiful son. A year since my father's passing I still have some guilt and thoughts about how I could have prolonged his life. I think it will be a struggle but at the same time, I tell myself to stop and not do that to myself. I know its hard but keep taking it day by day.

Dear Golden,

Thank you for your kind encouragement and hopeful words. Change sure isn't easy. I know I have to be more receptive to rebuilding and refocusing on a new life, even though I had taken the old life for granted. Still miss my dad and his presence, the second year of grief and I am still feeling unsettled. But I get a lot of hope from all of you.

Happy New Year to you too. Hard to believe January is almost over.
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Well I took a look at the apartment and decided against it. I’m thinking it’s too early to move. Plus I’m tired of living in apartments. So at least I learned that from this trip. Grief is no fun. Rebuilding ones life after a major loss is difficult. Maybe it’s in our nature to continually strive for the better things in life? But I miss my mother. Perhaps if I had family it would be easier.
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Dear Bloom,

Good first step to look at the apartment. I do think that building a new life after loss takes a lot of trial and error. Its been a year since my dad passed and I am still in a holding pattern myself. I take a lot of hope and inspiration from everyone here. I was also thinking of buying a new home but now I'm not so sure. Everything is so expensive. I keep window shopping and try to keep all my options opened.

I'm so sorry there is not more family support. I have relatives but in all honesty I don't feel like I can count on them. Not really. I have to be a bit of lone wolf with my grief.

Keep us posted. I hope with more time things will come together.
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bloom - at least you figured that out about apartments. Yes, you miss your mother and always will, but you will learn to live around the missing. However, it takes time. Agreed grief is no fun and rebuilding your life after any loss is a big and difficult task. One step at a time. Believe me, family can be a mixed blessing, but, it is never too late to make friends.
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Well, I've decided to stay where I am at. Maybe move to a new bigger apartment here or I was considering a mobile home. Looked at one last week. Very nice home and area. But in any case, yes it's too early to make any big life changes. Although I'd like to get out of this cold winter weather once and for all. Today I remembered what it was like to visit my mom when she was healthy and ok. The memory was vivid, just like I could go over today and visit. How I wish I could. Memories and feelings can be confusing at times. But I got a new therapist and I see that grief is going to take some time. Thanks for all your input and ideas.
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Just an update. I decided not to move. While I was out east looking at an apartment I felt a strong desire not to move. I also got depressed again. Got a new therapist. Feel much better. I discovered that my Very strong wish to move is actually an urge to escape my grief. So that was good to learn about myself. And it’s coming up to a year since my mother died. I now see the wisdom in waiting at least a year before making a life change. So now I’m just taking it day to day. Not pushing myself so hard.
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bloom -good to hear from you. So glad the new therapist is helping you and that you are feeling much better. Wanting a "geographical" change is usually due to running away from something. The first anniversary of losing someone often brings flashbacks of memories and feelings. Loss is hard and there is no escaping that.

Day to day and not pushing yourself sounds good. Eventually more things in your life will become important and take up more of your thoughts. ((((((hugs)))))
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Dear Bloom,

Thank you for the update. I am with you. I too wanted to move soon after my dad's passing, but now I've decided to stay put for another year as well.

I thought I wanted to make a fresh start, but now I realize that would have only added to my stress.

I have to agree with you, day by day for now. And not pushing too hard is a better way to go.
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Today is the one year anniversary of my mothers passing. Yesterday, one year ago, was the last time I saw my mother. I would visit her in the mornings in hospice, at the nursing home, and she was pretty much out of it at that time. And in the evenings I'd call her up and they'd put a phone to her ear and I told her I loved her and it was alright if she wanted to go now. The nurse told me my mother would respond by moving her legs as I talked. Well, I hope she heard me. I find it difficult to understand how I made it through all that. Yesterday morning, upon thinking about all that, I sobbed a few times in the morning. Then I felt ok, today, anxious feelings. Even though its been over for a year, I still feel the feelings of going through it. A year ago, tonight around 11pm or so, she passed on to the next world. (I hope there's a next world!) 2 of the strange things that happened to me I will relate now. When she was still well, and at the assisted living place, in her own apartment there, I got a call from my ex-boss who told me his girlfriends mother got pneumonia and died. The day after he told me that, I visit my mom, and she's fine, I say goodbye and go home. Get home and I'm relieved that she is doing ok. That evening, however, I get a call from assisted living and they tell me she sick and should they call an ambulance. I say yes, I get to the home, the ambulance arrives, and I spend the night in emergency room. They tell me she has pneumonia. That started the two months of hospitals and hospice. She gets out of the hospital goes to the nursing home, in a matter of hours, they send her back to another hospital very sick. Apparently the brilliant doctor had released her while she still had a UTI. Well, she's at the second hospital for 4 days and they knocked out the UTI and send her back to the nursing home. The day before she goes into the nursing home, I get a call from a long lost friend from back in 1973. We catch up and he tells me his mom went into hospice and of course passed on. The next day I visit my mom at the nursing home and the first thing the manager tells me is my mom needs to go into hospice. To summarize, at each step of the way, I would get these calls and be told what happened to them, and the next day, I was told the exact same thing about my mom. Other things like that happened to me, too, a year or two before my mom died. So you be the judge. I tend to think we are all guided in some sense or in some ways. I don't understand it. But in any case, it gives me hope, that we live on after this life.
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Bloom, I believe that we will always be sent what we need when we need it most. It is always helpful to know we are not alone in our struggles. Wonderful that these things happened to you and you knew there are others with the same struggles and share their experiences.
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