I went to the cemetery over the weekend, as I usually do and go through the same self questioning, apologizing, and feeling sad over my mom. Then after a few minutes I suddenly came to the realization that I have to move on and start living my life. And as soon as I thought that, the feelings of sadness and grief just left me. And while I still miss my mom, it's not with the same depth of grief or yearning. That realization just snapped me out of it. My mom is in the next world, as I believe, and I am still here with who knows how many years left. So the issue is and has been moving out of state as I have wanted to do for many years. I have been vacillating back and forth, should I move or stay. And I realize that at 65 years old I need to move, just to accomplish this goal I have and wanted to do for many years. If I don't I know I will feel disappointed in myself and that an opportunity has passed. So I am trying to stick with this goal of moving. I feel I really can't and don't want to stay here anymore. So I am giving it a go in 3 or 4 months. If it doesn't work out, I am still in a good position to move somewhere else. But I feel that time is running out and I need to live the life I've wanted to live for a long time in an area I've always loved since I was young. Curious what your advice would be. Any advice, thoughts, concerns is welcome and would be helpful. Thanks.
Bloom there is a glorious afterlife for the children of God.
bloomschool I sympathise and understand exactly what you are going through - I hope you make the right desicion for you !! Much Love
MickyC
I still have this burning desire to move back to where I grew up. But I realize its my desire to "return" to my family and the feelings of safety, security, love, etc. I got another therapist back in January, I think I mentioned that. She helped me figure these things out and some ways to cope. She didn't try to keep me coming back for more therapy. We both agreed I was doing better. It was an online therapist. But I still have to say, it's still hard to deal with grief in some ways. I no longer am beating myself up for the decisions I made. And mostly, do not feel the depths of sadness I once felt. Though, I feel quite alone at times since I have no immediate family anymore. My sister is still alive, but wants me out of her life and as I might have mentioned in a previous post, she didn't care if my mother was dying. The strange thing is, I have a strong desire to travel up to where she lives and try to reconcile with her. I guess that's also an attempt to "get back" to my family. I realize my sister probably won't change her attitude. So while I'd like to get in the car and drive 3+ days to Oregon(!), it's probably a futile attempt and not realistic. Although, I'd love to visit Oregon. So all in all I'm still trying to figure out what I want and where I want to live. However, I've decided to stay put for another year. I am getting more clarity as to the environment I would like to live in. So that's progress.
I have to say that I can't imagine the loss and grief people go through when a child or spouse dies. I had imagined the universe would have shown me the way forward, but nope, it appears I have to do it myself - at least that how it appears to me at this time. So that's a good lesson for me. I'm just playing it safe at present and staying put. The world situation kinda scares me, so I don't want to make any drastic changes at this time.
Again, thanks for listening, and helping me during this time. I guess we all go through it. The light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter for me, but still somewhat far away.
I'm glad that you're making your way one step at a time. It's the only way.
Be well, and let us know how your journey forward progresses.
Sometimes I wish I could take a bullet train or something with such high speed that I could quickly journey pass the immediate post death rediscovery, but I also recognize that it's a valuable and probably necessary process of coming to terms with loss.
Thank you for letting us know how are you doing. I find myself in the same boat. Wanting a change of scenery but, I, too have decided to stay put for another year.
Grief is a long journey. It sometimes shocks me that its almost 19 months since my father passed. And since then I've also had to process the loss of my grandmother and aunt. I wish coming to terms with loss was easier.
Glad you are hanging in there. Take care and thanks again for letting us know how are you doing.
The observation that you can "go into any direction" you want is an insightful one, and something I plan to "add" to my own post death planning. I'm still fighting to get out of the "I have to..." or "I need to..." mode in terms of managing and then wrapping up the Estate.
It's coincident that you posted these observations on a holiday weekend. I was thinking the same thing. Trust and estate work gets set aside today. I'm rereading for the umpteenth time one of my favorite author's books - Peter Mayle, on his transition from England to France. I'll sit back with some lemonade and dream about living in Provence, one of my lifelong dreams.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on your journey, today, and life going forward. I think contemplating these options is one of the necessary recovery actions after we lose someone.