I have resentment toward my siblings for not helping out and when my mom dies I have no intention of keeping in touch with them.

Barbs, I can relate ! I have 2 siblings that also do nothing. If they come for a few hours a few times a year, its so much work to get her ready now that I hope they just never come anymore. Oh yea, they never see her but they know whats best for her right? They make me sick and all ties are off for me also. My Moms incontinent and I cannot even run to the store for anything without hiring someone. I love my mom, just needed a break sometimes on a regular basis so I hired someone a couple of afternoons a week and its a life saver. Mom pays, and yours should too, your siblings will be there when Mom passes with their hands out so let Mom pay and get a break.

This seems to be a 'common thread' with caregiving. One sibling has the responsiblity of caring, and the others are careless. Find help like "luvmom" said and it will help you. Don't worry about what your siblings are doing, do what you can with the resources you have, look for outside resources to help you, and when your mother passes YOU will not feel guilty. Yours will be a feeling of peace that YOU did all you could, while you could.

I know the stress and annoyance you are feeling is very draining now, find a local support group where you can SIT with others in the similar situation and talk to them about your concerns.

Coming online is VERY helpful. I have found this website to be a light in the dark for me, and yet I STILL wish there was a live chat room where 'we' could gather to exchange emotions realtime. I will continue to ask for this for the sake of everyone's benefit.

My role was much more involved with my mother's care than my other 3 siblings, and unfortunately I am not concerned with the 'lack of contact' from them since Mom passed away. They didn't talk to me much before, WHAT would they have to discuss with me now???? LOL..... funny... yet sad!

YOU are not alone in your feelings. Please understand that, and try to get some respise as you can. Ask for help from local senior agencies in your area, churches that offer help, and even 'senior daycare' centers may provide you with the rest YOU need.

God bless you for doing all you can.... you won't be sorry.

Barb, I know it's a lot to ask of you, but knowing that most depression,( unless it's a chemical problem), is caused by unforgiveness towards someone, or something.
At some point if you want to avoid becoming so depressed that you have to start taking meds to compensate for it, you'll have to FORGIVE your siblings for being such a disappointment to you. Reach out to the friends that you've let slide away, hire some help if need be and move on. When your mom does die, you'll always be glad that you stepped up when they didn't. That doesn't mean that you have to be a martyr and never have a life while she's alive, you need to find middle ground.

I agree with the previous posts... you do need a break... it is ok to hire help. Hopefully your mom can afford it. Sometimes medicare or other insurance policies will cover a caregiver. If not, churches and other non-profits may be able to help.

As far as your siblings go... it may be very difficult for them to cope with the fact that your mom isn't the same. I'm having the same issues with my family. My grandparents have 6 kids and out of them only 2 are actively helping. It is very difficult for them to be able to see their wonderful, strong parents in the weak, helpless state they are in. Plus with the dementia, a lot of times I think they feel that it doesn't matter if they visit. A lot of people are uncomfortable with death and being around old people.

I'm not trying to make excuses for them, but maybe you are the stronger one in the family. They should be helping but maybe they aren't strong enough to handle it. Again, I am not trying to make excuses but maybe it will help you to forgive them a bit to know that maybe they aren't purposely trying to be jerks, but they just aren't as strong as you to be able to handle it. Also, it is different when you are with your mom every day and the change in her is slightly worse every day/week/etc... it is a shock to most people to see the decline in someone when they only see them once in awhile. My cousin won't even come over because it makes him so sad to see my grandpa the way he is. I think it is ridiculous but you can't help how people react to things.

Anyway, take care of yourself. Make sure to take a little time for yourself when mom is sleeping or something to go for a walk or do something for yourself. Try to forgive your siblings because it will only make you feel bad to hold that inside of you.

My father died in Jan of 2010. My mother has Emphysema and is on oxygen 24/7. She doesn't drive and never had friends. I have three siblings who work full time. I work part time. I live 45 minutes away am married with two young adult children. Two of my siblings live a half hour away. For 15 months I have gone to my moms religiously at least once a week. I have asked my siblings for help too many times. All I get is, I'm too busy. I don't have any spare time to help. They all have adult kids too. I take my mom shopping, to the bank, the doctor and any other places she needs to go. I fix things at her house that need fixed. I freeze meals for her and take them to her every week. The other siblings think if they take her out to dinner once a month, they have done their part. I'm frustrated beyond belief. This comes after I was falsely accused of taking a large sum of money while I was living with my parents off and on for two months helping while my father was dying. I was ostracized from my family for three months and had a nervous break down. We came to find out one of our other siblings had taken the money. i forgave everyone for accusing me with the exception of the thief sibling who knew I didn't do it and was devastated. Now my mom is buying a house next to mine. She is 74 yrs old and her health is not getting any better. I have asked once again for help and I'm once again getting the I'm busy excuse. Nice family isn't it?

Call your county social service office and ask about low cost aides also look into hospice they might be able to help you-would your siblings be will to pay for help of an aide on an ongoing basis so you can get a break-your siblings may just be like most families where one kid is expected to do it all or in my family one doing most of it and another helping and two not even getting it their Mom is elderly and frail-but she is very alert and could open her mouth to ask for help from those two but she is too busy being angery at one who does help-she knows what is what and makes the two who do nothing think she is ok. It is very rare another adult child will step up to the plate when one does it all and they are usually very free with their advice. I know it is very hard but try to find some me time and if you could meet with a support group weekly-many hospitals or senior centers have them you would feel a lot better knowing others are going through the same as you-I know how hard and discourging it must be for you-my husband was hell to take care and he always looked good when we went someplace-of course it took me 4 hrs. to get him that way but others did not know that esprcially since he told everyone I did very little for him. Keep coming here for support-this site was a God send for me and now am trying to give back as other here who are former caregivers and you will be proud of yourself in time to come knowing you did everything you could to make it easier for your Mom. After she passes they will all be around to see what was left for them for sure.

Austin, thank you for your kind words and advice. I know I can lay my head down and sleep well at night. Not so sure about my siblings.

Barb, to my amazement I found out after both my parents passed and my family imploded and I was the main caregiver and the youngest - 50% of families never speak to one another again after the parents pass! I wish somebody would have prepared me - sorry but be prepared your family will never be the same unless, everyone does their share of caring for parents.
You can find services like COPES to come in once a week and give you a break - you can contact senior services in your area - for advice and an Elder Day Care - it gets seniors out of the house, and gives them activities to do, and gives you caregiver's while you work, shop, or spend some needed time to yourself. Hang in there - my family experience, made me an advocate for BETTER ELDER CARE. Good Luck

BV:

Don't know if you go to church, but this is a good time to join one. It'll help reconnect with yourself and hopefully find a good samaritan who can come by and help with the caregiving since your sibs won't share such a huge responsibility. Your resentment towards them will continue to fester as long as your Mom lives, but please stop and check yourself whenever you have a feeling of taking it out on her. She's already suffering enough, and the last thing she needs is for someone to treat her like a cross to bear.

It's probably too much to ask right now, but try to mend fences whenever possible. Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it forgoes revenge, and dares forgive an injury.

In the meantime, join us. We're here to collaborate, commiserate, and vociferate. ... And this forum is a wonderful place to learn some tips and coping skills.

-- Ed

Ed, I'm not a religious person, but I do live by the Golden rule:) I don't discuss my problems with my sisters with my mother. I love my mom and plan on taking care of her till her dying day. Thank you for your encouraging kind words.

As always Ed gave a good answer-just do not make the mistake of being too vein-like I was early- to ask for help or to accept help. If you do attend church and someone asks if they can help say yes and suggest something that would help you-like coming by for a hour or two so you could take a nap and heaven forbid a bubble bath or a walk or prepare part of a meal or to call you from time to time to see how YOU are doing because believe me they will stop asking before long. I had a friend and co-worker who worked and was always on the go -her family use to say she is so strong -she had a number of strokes and died. Thinking back that was so dumb-I needed help so much and others stoping asking after a while.

A "recovering" Catholic (not alcohol/drugs!), my belief in a Higher Power didn't conform to everyone else's expectations while in school. I applied logic and defended my arguments quite well to the point some nuns and priests treated me as Beelzebub's offspring. How could you possibly build faith is you don't ask questions? Anyway, I guess using my own brain was sacrilege.

Still, churches can be a great resource for when you need that extra source of strength. There's a lot of people who are quite knowledgeable and respect your opinions; yet believe helping others in need is also a path to salvation.

The reason I'm suggesting churches is because caregiving often requires an army. Doing the best you can with the few resources at your disposal, right now your only company is the love in your heart. Even if you could go back to what you used to be and do you'll notice a much stronger, resilient, caring and loving woman. Caregiving transforms you and tests your mettle all the time. It teaches you to enforce boundaries; to take what you want to get what you need; and rethink or refine your philosophy of what life is or should be.

Even if only for 5 minutes a day, you have the right to be happy. Rewind the tape on any particular day, and I'm sure you'll find some "senior moments" worth laughing about; one of those days when, going through chores like an automaton, your brain was still on sleep mode. For now, try to live every moment to the fullest. That way you won't have to wonder about the years you have left, and cherish the time spent caring for your Mom.

-- Ed

Thank you all so much for your encouragement. I dearly love my mom, and I've made a commitment to care for her, but there are just some days when a girl needs to vent, you know? I realize I can't make my siblings do anything, and when the time comes, they'll be the ones with the bad consciences. I'll know that I did everything I could to help. As for forgiving them, I pray that God will give me the grace to do that and to mend fences wherever possible. My prayers are also with everyone on this forum who is a sole caregiver for a family member. It's not an easy road, but it's easier when traveled with those who understand.

I can relate to this. My husbands brother wa.nted nothing to do with the caretaking of his dad. We moved him here from out of state. He lived with us for three years and contributed nothing. Ten years is a long time. Can you hire someone and do something special for yourself? I believe this is called a toxic family. What does mom say about all this? Do not blame you for not wanting to be in touch when all this is over, but I'll tell you one thing, you are going to feel so good that you took care, you will own i

I like you am alone in caring for my Mother. My mother has severe dementia and is diabetic. I have a hard time also with my Family of two sisters and a brother. They act as though they understand, but they really are clueless. Like you i can date, or even hardly go out some where. My life has been consumed with keeping my Mother. Its a lot and sometimes i get overwhelmed. Also, like you i get angry and resentful at all their excuses, which seem endless. I fight being bitterness and have prayed not to be so rebellious against my family. I feel guilty when i have been upset with my mother at the repetitious remarks and actions she presents daily, which is beyond her control. I love her dearly and tend to her needs. I just wish that one of my sisters would take her for a weekend and allow me some time to myself. Thats never happens. Its been 6 years now that ive been involved in this situation. I had to settle the issue in my heart to allow my life to be spent and give myself as a sacrifice at this point in time to care for my mother. I have all the desires to date and see friends, but as time goes on more and more i can't see them. With this thought i am able to cope better and feel more adjudted and self less in my approach to my mother and her condition. I will have a clear conscience when she passes. Then there will be the the settling of her accounts and already they act like their entitled, when truly they deserve nothing. Family just isn't Family anymore is it? God bless your heart and know that you are not alone and there are many of us out here doing and feeling the very same things you feel and are doing all the things you do. Be glad its you. you have the heart and the love and its all worth it sister. May the Lord give you peace and blessing and shed aboard his love in your heart.

I like you an alone in dealing with my mother. I receive no help at all no matter how much i speak of being overwhelmed. I can't date and even see friends. I have two sisters and a brother and they act as though they understand, but they are clueless to my situation. If they understood it would make them even more wicked. I just wanted to to understand that as a family we need to be there for each other and for mom, but that all goes by the wayside. Its hurts because i never thought that my life would end up like this. I fight Bitterness all the time and pray and ask God for his forgiveness for the way i feel sometimes. I love my mother dearly, but the repetitious comments and acts can be insane at times. I have to leave and go into another room to avoid her for the moment. This breaks my heart and its tough to live the same day over and over again. I go through all the things that all other caregivers go through. Anger, Guilt, Resentment, Frustration. I understand it all. I decided one day that i must let my life be spent. I am Christian and have marked it as my service to God and my mother. Let me make this sacrifice and believe that God will be there with me through it all and believe that when its all over he will be there still. He surely will be there! I know my conscience will be clear and it will be worth it all and i can celebrate her passing and reception by God into his arms. This was the issue i needed to settle in my heart. So know that you are not alone in any of this. You are not alone in how you feel. Many of us are out here doing the same duty of loving and being family, even when the rest of your family has turn their faces away. Pray for them, because they are the ones in need of love and care. You have love and you have heart and your there. God bless your heart and God bless your hands that serve. It will all be worth it in the end. You know it will. Seek God and pour out your heart to him. Don't hold back anything tell him exactly how you feel inside both good and bad. Let him know that you need him more then anything. God is far more faithful then Family. he will ivilve himself with you, if you ask him too. may you have his help and peace in your heart.

I am in a similar situation. I have been caring for my mom for the last 3 years. She had a botched spine surgery back in 2009 and was in hospitals and rehab facilities for 6 months. My aunt stayed with her in the hospital in NYC for one month. I would travel 1 hour every day to bring food or help out or to give my aunt a break. I have a brother and sister who came to see her but two or three times within that time. After she was transferred to a rehab facility closer to home, they would still find excuses to not visit. My aunt went home to FL as she had my brother and sister promise they would help which they did not. Two weeks later, my aunt returned and contined to stay for a few months to help. Again, I would see my mom daily. We then chose to transfer my mom to a facility in FL as I could not care for her by myself. There was some resistance from my sister and brother but, I didn't care what they had to say as they were not doing anything. Mom did very well and came out of the rehab facility in two months and then home to NY after 5 mos. At that point, I moved in with her and have been with her ever since. It has now been over 1 year and my brother and sister barely see her. They say that because I am single that I must care for her. I have to work in order to pay my bills. My brother had taken over my father's business after he passed and claims he is unable to leave or take a day to help mom. However, should he choose to take a day for himself or my SIL family, he does. My sister is in sales and has a flexible schedule. She is remarried and her ex lives nearby. Her children are with her ex daily and come home at night. She has never been involved in any of my mom's care. I have asked and begged for help to no avail. I take mom to all of her doctor's appointments, shopping, etc. Anytime my sister has been asked to take mom to an appointment, she'll make the appointment to her convenience then, the night before will say she is unable to go and I must take her. I have not had a break in over a year. I used to have an active social life and I now have no friends. It is so unfair and I do not know where to turn to any longer. I've become extremely depressed and have considered taking myself out of the equation.





I am in a similar situation. I have been caring for my mom for the last 3 years. She had a botched spine surgery back in 2009 and was in hospitals and rehab facilities for 6 months. My aunt stayed with her in the hospital in NYC for one month. I would travel 1 hour every day to bring food or help out or to give my aunt a break. I have a brother and sister who came to see her but two or three times within that time. After she was transferred to a rehab facility closer to home, they would still find excuses to not visit. My aunt went home to FL as she had my brother and sister promise they would help which they did not. Two weeks later, my aunt returned and contined to stay for a few months to help. Again, I would see my mom daily. We then chose to transfer my mom to a facility in FL as I could not care for her by myself. There was some resistance from my sister and brother but, I didn't care what they had to say as they were not doing anything. Mom did very well and came out of the rehab facility in two months and then home to NY after 5 mos. At that point, I moved in with her and have been with her ever since. It has now been over 1 year and my brother and sister barely see her. They say that because I am single that I must care for her. I have to work in order to pay my bills. My brother had taken over my father's business after he passed and claims he is unable to leave or take a day to help mom. However, should he choose to take a day for himself or my SIL family, he does. My sister is in sales and has a flexible schedule. She is remarried and her ex lives nearby. Her children are with her ex daily and come home at night. She has never been involved in any of my mom's care. I have asked and begged for help to no avail. I take mom to all of her doctor's appointments, shopping, etc. Anytime my sister has been asked to take mom to an appointment, she'll make the appointment to her convenience then, the night before will say she is unable to go and I must take her. I have not had a break in over a year. I used to have an active social life and I now have no friends. It is so unfair and I do not know where to turn to any longer. I've become extremely depressed and have considered taking myself out of the equation.

I feel for you all. It's funny how busy their lives seem to be, but my sister has gone on two vacations this Summer already. One for a week and one for five days. I will not go on vacation until September. I only hope my sister will come and help my mom while I'm away. When siblings don't help they just show their true colors.

I can't understand how they are so blind. They truly don't care! They wanted me to take time to bring my mom to my brother's house for his birthday yet, when it was mom's 75th birthday, they didn't care and showed her no respect. Nor for Mother's Day. My sister doesn't speak with my mom so, my mom said I will not go if she is there and she must call me as I am her mother and deserve the respect! That's just it, they show her no respect whatsoever. They are bullying her!

Wouldn't it be funny to send these siblings copies of some of these comments? Although I think they would not associate themselves with them. Too bad crimes against the elderly doesn't cover our situations.

I'm Brandy. I am back for a few minutes. I am considered the wayward child that you speak of by my sister. She could have written some of these letters. She considers herself as the real worker and me the slacker.

Here is my side of it. I, myself, am disabled. I am in constant pain in several places in my body. My husband has dementia and I have to take care of him. I have a very large deductible on my health insurance, I can't get sick. I haven't got much money. I can't work b/c of the disablement. In other words I already have a lot on my plate. Mom is very crabby and cranky. I go away from visiting her and shake and cry. I cannot afford to get sick. I really prefer to remember my dear mother as she was when I was a child, sweet and lovely, not as the person who is yelling at me. My sister only contacts me when she wants something. She won't invite me to her Easter, Thanksgiving, or Christmas dinners yet she invites half the town while I sit alone. But the next day she will "tell" me what to do. She avoids me in public. But when she wants something, then she is quick to tell me what to do and try to guilt me into it. Then when I do something, she says I do it wrong. Sister treats me like dirt. So then I am reluctant to try to help her or my mother. I love them both but I just don't need the stress. So there you have it, that is why I have stopped trying and maybe that is why your loved ones have stopped too.

Brandy here again. I like what Collete said and Eddie too. I am definitely not the strong one in the family. I have bent over backwards trying to mend fences with my sister and it just doesn't help. All my ideas are wrong. She still thinks of me as her lackey and herself as a saint. So then I am not very cooperative at all. I consider these women to be too toxic for me to interact with. Gotta take care of myself instead of be a doormat. So there you have it.

I have to agree. They would never see it as them. My SIL is having a graduation/birthday party for my nephews. How is it going to look that there only grandmother is not there? I wonder what lies they will tell to guests/family. They sure know how to set an example! I'm so disgusted.

Brandy, I don't blame you for staying away. I would too. Don't feel so bad. When I complain about 4 of my 7 siblings, I complain because all of them are healthy. If they're not here on island, then send money to help out. By the way, the money is not for the parents. I would give it to my sis who watches the parents from Mon-Friday while I'm at work. She takes the verbally abuses from dad, too. I feel bad because I only pay her $220/month for her hard work. It's not worth it. This is the sis who had a nervous breakdown and was never normal again. She's very quiet, rarely smiles but does laugh to herself. But, no one stepped up to help- so I asked her. Feel bad for her though....

Brandy, I can understand your position. My 3 sisters and my brother have no medical issues. I on the other hand do. I suffered a nervous breakdown due to one sister stealing a large sum of money from my parents when my father was dying and I was living with my parents taking care of dad. I was falsely accused and later vindicated when said sister stole from moms safe deposit box with photos from bank to prove it. I went through Hell for three months starting the day before my fathers funeral when I was falsely accused. I don't think I have ever really mourned my fathers passing.

It's a horrible thing. I've decided to take them out of the equation. They're dead to me or I'm dead to them. I can't take it any longer.

I used to be Very Angry with my siblings. I used to ask, begged, threatened to leave parents ...and even suicide. Nothing. I would then get so very angry and disappointed that I would go into depression and suicidal thoughts. I was really at the end of my rope. But I got on this site in June and learned a lot of things that I did not want to accept. First of all, we - the children - are not obligated to care for our parents. Each of us kids have a Right Not to help with our aging parents. Those of us - which is all of you and me - who stepped up to do it....that was OUR choice. No one forced us - which I Reluctantly, Very Reluctantly agreed. My stupid super sensitive conscience plus God told us to Honor our Parents - was what got me here as a caregiver.

Anyway, once I accepted that my siblings have a right NOT to care for our parents, I was able to move on. By no longer expecting their help, I'm able to move on and figure out how to deal with the parents with those siblings that are willing to help. FYI, just because the others won't help, i still give them updates of how difficult it is, the costs, etc...until maybe their conscience will give in and they help one way or another (even if it is money.)

I have cut back in my emails/text to them. If they won't help me, there's really no need for me to update on parents. It's very difficult but...sometimes, you just need to divorce or separate from your family.

Thank you, Bookworm. Yes, you are absolutely right. I actually have taken your advice. I started this morning when I saw my brother to wish him a happy birthday. They don't want to hear that I don't have time so, I've said that I have found other means which I am paying for (yeah, the one with a temporary position who is struggling). I don't know if his conscience will ever give in. I feel, at times, he will before my sister who is completely selfish and narcissistic. Her own children don't want to be around her. Not even her mother. I have made phone calls and researched other services as to taking mom to doctor, shopping and social groups to get mom out and have some fun. She deserves that at least and more!

Your welcome, Losinghope. Yeah, when my parents were walking, we also took advantage of those handicap/elderly transportation. The van is also equipped for wheelchair customers. Check also if the provide home-delivery meals (lunch) for the elderly. My parents have that from Mon-Friday. It helps a little in cutting the cost of grocery and the hassle of cooking lunch. As a caregiver, I'm in a program that provides 1-hour respite services twice a week for 6 months. They can babysit, bathe, light housekeeping, etc while I can "rest". This same program also gives me $150.00 to spend for me (or supplies for my parents.) I took advantage of the 1 personal therapy and $60 visa card for the Mall (use for shopping or to the movies - no expiration date!) You just need to call around and ask if you or your parent qualifies for any program. Don't forget to ask if THEY know of any other programs. No need to tell you, the friendlier you are on the phone with these people, the more helpful they will be!! ;)

Bookworm, I can't thank you enough for your advices. That sounds wonderful! I will ask but, I wonder if they have any of those services in New York. The "rest" part sounds wonderful! When I spoke to my brother the other day and had mentioned that I found someone to take care of mom's pool (we had to open as it wouldn't have been good had we not -- against my wishes but, had to be done!) and that I would be paying for it, he said, "why, you can't do it?!?" I said, "Sure, I'll wake up at 3:00am or go to bed at midnight! No problem!" He has always done it in the past and now has 2 grown sons. No one wants to be bothered. It's just so sad.