I am the caregiver for my 88 year old mom who has diabetes, macular degeneration, heart disease - you name it, honey, she's got it. I'm single and I moved back home to care for her and dad before he died. I love my mom, and I do my best for her, but I am so tired of being treated like an only child by my siblings. My brother and sister rarely call or come over. If I plan far enough in advance my sister will take mom to the doctor, but then she acts like she's an authority on mom's health issues while at the doctor, when she really isn't. She also thinks mom can go to the mall and run around afterward, which she's not able to do. My brother is useless - would it break his back to mow the yard? They are both married but they have no children, and my brother is retired so he has time on his hands. I complained about this once and my sister said I had chosen my life, and it wasn't her fault. True enough, but again it's HER mom too. I'm not sure I even know what my question is, I'm just so tired of handling this all alone. I find myself wishing my mom would die, just so I could have my life back. Then I feel awful for thinking such things. It's been nearly 10 years of this, and I am at the end of my rope. I have lost touch with all my friends and haven't had a date in 8 years. I just feel so alone, and I resent my siblings so much that when mom does die, I really have no intention of keeping in touch with them. I'm sorry for rambling, I just needed to vent.
There was several points in my life when I just wanted to disown most of my siblings. I have suffered, vented, yelled and cussed them privately. In person, I have told them what I'm going through and need help. It took me YEARS to get me where I'm at. Before, no one helped physically or monetary. Now, I have one sibling paying our powerbill, and 2 other brothers giving me money for me (not parents) and 1 sis who helps on Saturday so that I can take leave from parents.
I still wish I had PHYSICAL help!
I also think that it's such a shame that my siblings don't have a conscience when it comes to the parents. But then, I don't blame them because we had a very bad abusive childhood. Too bad 2 of my siblings are in turn abusive to Their Family. And from what I hear, Their Kids are in turn being abusive to Their Kids!! It's a terrible cycle....I'm a true believer of what goes around comes around. One day, their children will treat them how they treated our parents.
I have an aquaintance whose father had Alz & a stroke. When he became bedridden the son staying at home became the main caregiver. But the sisters here on island took one day as their day to watch. Those in the states, sent money to cover their share of having a paid caregiver. I envy my aquaintance too!
So, I always wondered what was wrong with my family. When therapist told me this past June that a high % do not have siblings helping, I didn't believe. Then I found this site. My goodness! He was right!
On my very first question for help, I was told straight out that our siblings have a Right Not To Help. It was hard to accept - but I did. So, now that we're done venting on our siblings, it's time to Act on Our Own to solve "our problem" with caring for our parent. We go solo among the family. But we have friends on this site that gives us very good advice and all the encouragement we need to succeed (or atleast Handle) our parent on top of our health issues. ... 8-)
P.S...I find that when I harp on my siblings lack of help, it really depresses me. I really don't want to go down that road again - too soon from the last episode. So, this will be my last comment on siblings lack of assistance...(until I get angry again and need to vent!)
Well, I'm glad you had a good break! Yes, while your mom is still independent and doesn't really require minute-by-minute supervising, then you should get more breaks. When's the next holiday or birthday that you know your brother will be celebrating? ;-}
1. You have a Right to your own space, a place to relax; 2. You have a Right to time for yourself; 3. You have a Right to ask for Help; 4. you have a Right to say "NO"; 5. You have a Right to talk with others for support. Relationships are both giving and receiving; 6. You have a Right to take care of your own health; 7. You have a Right to make mistakes, to be an imperfect person; 8. You have a Right to change things to make care as easy as possible for yourself; 9. you have a Right to rest and relaxation; 10. you have a Right to your feelings whatever they are (tired, frustrated, helpless, relieved, grateful, satisfied or a combination of all of these)!; 11. You have a Right to a satisfying life, too!
Now, I've seen situations where the siblings disagree about how an aging parent is to be cared for. The case I'm thinking about concerns a wealthy woman who could well afford a good assisted living facility. But she wanted to stay at home and talked one sibling into going along with this and giving up a normal life. The other siblings refused to get sucked in (the parent's serious health problems would have been difficult to deal with at home) and there was discord. In that type of case, I think the parent had a duty to go into assisted living, or to pay for having her needs suitably covered if she stayed at home. I don't think the siblings who refused to be swallowed alive were wrong in this, bacause decent assistted living was an option in this case. I think the parent was playing the siblings off on one another. Provision of basic care for an aging parent is a responsibility for all the children, but how that is going to be done is open for discussion among them. The parent's preferences are NOT the controlling factor.
There's also a book that I've seen mentioned several times on this site. I ordered it a while back (orders take sooo long to get here from the states.) Has any of you read this book? nancy lace, etc: The Thirty-Six Hour Day. I sure I like it. If I can't read the first couple of pages of a book, I don't read it.
I will write to you tomorrow - hopefully I would be feeling better. If you don't hear from me, then I'm still feeling depress. Later, okay, LH? Thanks....
Doesn't help my 10 yr old niece died of bone cancer, and a friend just last month died of cancer, and I have several friends fighting their cancer. Get the picture? You come visit here, and you see a lot of women with the scar on their throats. Thyroid surgery. That too is very common here.
So, with that said, how are you doing? And your mom?