I am the caregiver for my 88 year old mom who has diabetes, macular degeneration, heart disease - you name it, honey, she's got it. I'm single and I moved back home to care for her and dad before he died. I love my mom, and I do my best for her, but I am so tired of being treated like an only child by my siblings. My brother and sister rarely call or come over. If I plan far enough in advance my sister will take mom to the doctor, but then she acts like she's an authority on mom's health issues while at the doctor, when she really isn't. She also thinks mom can go to the mall and run around afterward, which she's not able to do. My brother is useless - would it break his back to mow the yard? They are both married but they have no children, and my brother is retired so he has time on his hands. I complained about this once and my sister said I had chosen my life, and it wasn't her fault. True enough, but again it's HER mom too. I'm not sure I even know what my question is, I'm just so tired of handling this all alone. I find myself wishing my mom would die, just so I could have my life back. Then I feel awful for thinking such things. It's been nearly 10 years of this, and I am at the end of my rope. I have lost touch with all my friends and haven't had a date in 8 years. I just feel so alone, and I resent my siblings so much that when mom does die, I really have no intention of keeping in touch with them. I'm sorry for rambling, I just needed to vent.
I keep hoping my sis who babysits them Mon-Fri could at least cut their nails. Ugh! I hate doing that. I have cut my mom's skin so many times. I'm nearsighted but I still have problem seeing close.
Sallie, Losinghope - have you also checked out the other discussions on this site? My favorite is "Caregiver...How are YOU doing?" It's the most positive of all the sites. I found this site in June..and I am not about to start in the beginning! I just go to it, hit the last comment and backspace to my last reading.
Then, when you're stressed from what your parent is putting you through, go to "Grossed Out & Need to Vent Just Caught Mom Using my Toothbrush." This discussion is a bit depressing for me. But, I like to read it because when people comment about their parent, others give encouragement or advice on how to handle the problem.
I also like the "the Caregive Dysfunction Family."
But, may I recommend one thread that is my favorite? When I started reading it in June, it took me 2 whole days. It had nothing to do with me and my parents but I found it Very Empowering! If Survived2 can do this, then I can do it (well, not as fast as she did!) Please go to: “My Mother Moved In With Me When My Oldest Sister Died”
I think if you take your time reading it, you will benefit from it. I did - and it doesn't even apply to me!
What I did, was when I had to stop reading it for the day, I would click on the top where it has the website I would click on it, copy and then paste it on my computer. So, when I come back the next day, I would just copy it and paste it on the web, and I can continue where I left off.
Sorry, have to go now. Both parents pampers need to be changed, then clean mom's trache. Later!! I'll see if I can come back and respond to your comment sallie.
Last year, my brother kept pushing and pushing me to get Power of Attorney over the parents. I refuse. We siblings were all at the restaurant. Him and wife again brought it up. I just couldn't take it anymore. I got angry and just started telling them off. All my other siblings kept their mouth shut because they know when I lose my temper, I don't give a d***. My oldest bro kept trying to tell me to lower my voice. I stood up and raised my voice as I continually told them that I have told them over and over that I don't want POA. What part do you NOT understand! Etc.. I was on the roll and I was soooo pissed off. When i was done, I walked out, and cried when I found an isolated area. You see, once I get POA, my family will tell me that the parents are MY problem and not theirs and they will stop helping. As it is now, I can still pack up, tell their doctors I'm no longer caregiver, and that the oldest boy will be taking over. Well, legally I can't do that but my brother doesn't need to know that!!! :)
I'm the neutral one in the family. So, when I need help - other than the parents - my siblings will help me. This took years of being neutral and nice to siblings.
I have been able to:
1. Have oldest bro of next door pay for our power bill - I had accidentally let it be known that his sibling younger brother was giving me money monthly. I just didn't tell him that he was only giving me $50.00. Oldest bro - out of competition - offered to pay our $400-some power bill! ... :)
2. 2nd oldest bro - I kept texting him how badly dad was treating me, how stressed I am, how much the supplies are costing along with the house bills. So, bro comes home and sets up a bank account with both our names - and deposits $50/month for me to withdraw..this was like 4 or 5 years ago. Last year, he has increased my monthly $50/month to $100.00. This year, he said he's going to try to deposit $150/month (which I haven't seen yet...but Not Complaining!) Any money is better than No money.
3. Youngest bro will only send me $300 when I complain on and on about my hardship. He's not consistent because he's working so hard to pay a very high mortgage and bills ...
But, Losinghope, both my brothers who gives me money - they always emphasize to me that the money is for ME and not for the parents. I use the money to give to my oldest sis who comes here Mon-Fri to babysit parents while I'm at work.
So, try not to burn all your bridges when it comes to your siblings. Mine took YEARS to where we are at right now. I never accuse them of Not Helping. I ask and if nothing happens, I keep my mouth shut. If they won't help your parent, then maybe they will help you one way or another. Just a thought for you to think about.
With your mom, if they don't want to pick her up for the parties, you can just drop her off, say your hi's to everyone and just say you need to go. If asked why, just say that you need some down time for yourself...etc...something that they can understand but not hold it against you...because you never know if one day you might need their help. BUT if they're toxic, forget it! Later....Take care...
I tell them that I need help with parents. I am under 5 feet tall and weigh only 96 lbs. Both parents are fatter than me and weigh more, too. I have constantly asked for help...I have gone outside and just screamed my head off in frustration. I was so angry, and bitter...I have concluded a long time ago, that if my siblings have love for me (never mind the parents because they abused us when we were growing up) - they would help with the parents for ME and not for them. I knew deep down inside that they don't care for me. To have the therapist confirm it, I became so depress and very suicidal. But when you read the different discussions on this site, you will see over and over - the need to separate yourself emotionally from your family. It makes sense...you keep expecting and hoping they will help - they don't. Then you become so disappointed, then depress. I have taken their advice and it really works!! I guess it's like that old saying, if you don't expect anything, you can't get hurt. So, I went to those oriental stores and bought those small scythes. I now use it to cut back the creepy vines. Family of next door won't do it, so I just have to make do. I can't handle a mower or bushcutter but a scythe - I can handle that. I even use the tip to dig into the ground and pull out the deep-rooted weeds! Later...time to clean mom's trache.
Anyway, once I accepted that my siblings have a right NOT to care for our parents, I was able to move on. By no longer expecting their help, I'm able to move on and figure out how to deal with the parents with those siblings that are willing to help. FYI, just because the others won't help, i still give them updates of how difficult it is, the costs, etc...until maybe their conscience will give in and they help one way or another (even if it is money.)
I have cut back in my emails/text to them. If they won't help me, there's really no need for me to update on parents. It's very difficult but...sometimes, you just need to divorce or separate from your family.