Sibling finally takes an active role after 4-1/2 years!!
My older and only sibling, who has claimed forever that our 96 year old dad, with whom I have 24/7 caregiving responsibilities, is "the love of my life," has finally, finally, FINALLY recognized that she better take an active role in helping care for him as these are most definitely his final days. He is in hospice care at home; hasn't eaten in 5 weeks, barely drinks 4 oz of water a day, and is an absolute BEAR with me (but a sweet angel with her). I am alone with him most days and it is difficult. I struggle to lift him; he complains and whines constantly that I'm either "Doing it wrong" or "hurting him". She has taken FMLA leave, has 5 weeks of paid vacation squirreled away...and yet she wouldn't take a more active role. In addition she is an RN!!!! I have told her repeatedly for years that I NEED MORE HELP but to no avail. There has never, ever been any empathy for anyone but "poor dad".
Something somehow clicked in her thick head because lo and behold, SHE'S PACKED A BAG AND IS GOING TO STAY HERE. My husband and I are in shock. I have no medical background but only a dolt would not realize that an elderly person with dementia who has stopped eating, barely drinks any liquid, cannot lift himself out of bed without extensive help, speaks in a broken whisper because he has little physical strength is most likely counting down his final days. She's claimed it's "just too painful" to witness. Yeah. It's also painful as all get out to be the only one doing 95% of the work, stranded in the house and unable to leave without someone else here. On Sunday she told me, "Don't you fall apart on me!" and I calmly replied, "I can't guarantee that unless you decide you need to take a more active role in helping ME help HIM.
To everyone else out there with a jerko sibling like mine: NEVER GIVE UP! HOUND THEM CONTINUALLY! REMIND THEM REPEATEDLY THAT YOU CAN'T DO IT ALONE AND THAT YOU JUST MAY "FALL APART ON THEM" IF THEY DON'T STEP IN TO HELP!
I know exactly where you are coming from. I have five, yes five siblings. One is mentally ill but that still leaves four that rarely helped. As far as I am concerned if you love your parent you help. Period. If you don't help then do not profess to say you love them. Actions speak louder than words.
I have a cousin who recently told me when her Mom was in the hospital during her Mom's final weeks, her sister would rarely visit. I know it doesn't seem right, but some people cannot deal with hospitals or with a parent being close to passing. I know if I was in ICU or in rehab, my sig other would rarely come to see me, he just cannot get himself past the front door.
It sounds like your sister would fall apart on you if you fell apart on her. Thus keep her busy with running errands and helping with your Dad doing what she is able to do without falling part herself.
I would say better late than never. For your Dad, I will say better late than never. For you, though... she'd better not turn round later and claim that you and she "shared" the caregiving. That's all.