Siblings dropped the ball on Christmas Day.
I'm very disappointed/disgusted/annoyed with my siblings today. I have 6 siblings, two of whom live within a mile of Mom. (I live 90 miles away but stay at Mom's a few days a week to help her because it's too far to drive back and forth). One sister hosted Christmas Eve at her house. I hate Christmas and didn't really want to come, but they all make a fuss if I don't join the festivities, so to keep the peace I stayed over after taking Mom on shopping and errands earlier in the week.
I realized from talking to Mom that nobody had invited her for Christmas Day. The sister who hosted Christmas Eve was spending it with her grandkids - the other local sister never even bothered to check with Mom if she had plans. So Mom would have been left home alone with nowhere to go and no dinner. Reluctantly, I extended my stay and threw together a roast, a loaf of crusty bread and a nice bottle of wine for Christmas dinner for me and Mom. Only one of my six siblings even called my mother to wish her a Merry Christmas.
I'm not complaining about doing what I did - in this case, it was my choice, and it was far preferable to leaving Mom home alone for Christmas. She would have been so upset, and she doesn't have too many Christmases left. I'm just disgusted with my siblings though. The local ones, for failing to even check if Mom had plans for Christmas Day, and the distant ones, for not even bothering to call. Bah Humbug!!!
You are taking up what you perceive to be slack. Siblings see you are doing a good job and don't want to upset the apple cart. If you want it to change, you have to tell them that. Most of us who end up as caregivers are the kind of folks who see what needs to be done and do it. Not everyone sees as we do.
I know my sig other is totally clueless when it comes to taking care of someone. Anytime I am down with whatever ailment, I know I am pretty much on my own because he doesn't know what to do, even with a half dozen reminders.... [sigh].... but he's good at setting up appointments and driving me there :)
CarlaCB, I am wondering on the days you weren't at your Mom's, if the siblings had called your Mom to come to visit and she had turned them down so not to make a fuss [but since had forgotten about it].
And then acknowledge that everyone gets to make their own decisions. No one, and that includes you, is obligated to do a certain amount of care for Mother.
That a son or daughter won't even call on a holiday seems deplorable to me. But I don't know the background. Maybe your sibs are true grinches, or maybe there is something more to the picture. In any case, their behavior is not your responsibility. Having a family meeting sounds like a good idea. Just don't get your hopes up that Mother's care will magically be divided evenly 6 ways.
For purposes of planning how much time and effort you will devote to your mother's care, consider yourself an only child. You may not be able to count on help from your sibs, but there are plenty of other resources out there. For example, would Mom benefit from an adult day health program a few days a week? Is she going to need to downsize from a big house she can't take care of?
BTW, who has Mom named as her Power of Attorney?
We moved my mother a few years ago into the community where both my older sisters live, so we could share the caregiving among the three of us (obviously this hasn't gone as well as expected). There are no apartments and few rentals in the community, so I helped Mom buy a house. I have POA (which means little since Mom has no assets and barely covers her monthly expenses); the two other local sibs have the health care proxy. I also co-own her house, since I supplied the down payment. I could live there, but I'd have no privacy and she drives me crazy expecting to be waited on constantly. Of course, all the other sibs think I should just move in with her and that would solve the whole problem, but no thanks. She loves her house and she can manage alone with help - housework, yard work, transportation, etc. My sister and I take her shopping, to the library, to doctors visits, etc. I do most of the house stuff or help pay for services.
As far as the holidays, I was shocked that most of them didn't even call. I was surprised that the local sisters didn't even think of spending Christmas Day with Mom or ask her if she had any plans. Look, I don't get along with her either, but she's 83 and she would have been very sad to spend Christmas Day alone with no company and no dinner. It bummed me out that they were all so thoughtless.
WIth POA you don't need to ask your siblings to hire help. If Mom can afford yard work, housework, transportation, etc. then you can help her go ahead and hire it. If she cannot afford the basics then perhaps it is time to call on her county's Social Services and ask for a needs assessment.
Mom may live ten or more years. Stick to your guns about not moving in with her, unless you are prepared to be miserable all those years.