Sure they don't know what they say, or the impact their words, attitudes and actions can have. Siblings statements can really unbalance a caregiver, cause self-doubts, minimize the role of caregiver as insignificant, and many times just cause emotional turmoil or pain. Be sure to post here if that is happening to you, or has happened to you and maybe you got over it or made some changes in how you relate. May I suggest, if you do have a complaint, follow it with someting you love about that person, keeping the discussion positive........some of you may have to lie about the positives...it's okay...go ahead, be creative!
My aunt is 80 and in the hospital after caregiving my uncle-no one knows how hard it has been on her, or how long it has been this hard, because she didn't tell us, and would not accept help, but we are finding out it was very hard.
My sister was being supportive. But still in denial about uncle's needs.
I see your sister's point because of the wedding vows where you say in sickness and health and better or worse. So it *is* just marriage in a way, but for a long-term illness, not just a cold or something, I definitely consider it caregiving.
My issue is, that its been 13/14 years now, and in some ways, they seem to have forgotten some of the more difficult bits, as there were 6 of us sharing in the care. Now that my husband and I alone, and without the help of his own 2 siblings, have had his Dad living with us for 13 years, the've forgotten that we can't just up and leave at any given moment, or for things like weekends away, or even a short notice dinner out or and evening out at a party or something. I continue to hear, "well you just leave him home, or he'll be fine, but he isn't "fine", he is a huge fall risk, and has become paranoid and nervous if we leave him for more than an hour or so. They also seem to think that we can just hire in a caregiver, and while that would be great, it isn't something that hubby's Dad is comfortable with (yet), and we would hate to have him feel uncomfortable or somehow degraded, having a stranger come in to care for him, at any given time like a child, if a service like that even exists.
We know that the time is coming, that we will need more help in the home for him, but we have yet to set that up, procrastination, yes, but also we aren't really at that stage quite yet, but we know its coming. These sorts of things probably will be easier to manage, once we have some alternate caregiving set up, but for now, I wish they would be more understanding when we have to decline a nice offer to go out, or away on bargain vacation weekends which we would love to do. Our time is coming though! I just don't want to hear "You Cant or Won't, when they ask us to do these things, because if they remembered correctly, we all looked out for one another, back when we were doing it as a family. And these sorts of situations never came up, as there was always one of us to help out!
On another note, my eldest Niece's husband is dying of cancer, and on home Hospice. And while my sister has no problems asking for help with cooking, cleaning, and help with their (Niece's) kids, and I have no problems helping, its Me, who is still uncomfortable asking for help in regards to my 86 (almost 87) year old FIL. I don't like to ask my kids, as they are all so busy working, and have families of their own, and I wouldn't of my siblings, as the've all been through the Caregiving route, with our folks, and with their own inlaws. Maybe its just me, but it just feels weird asking for help! Its a really sad thing about my Niece's husband though, he's in his 40's, has advanced Prostate Cancer, with bone, brain, and lung metastasis. Also, a second diagnosis of breast cancer, and has failed all treatment. The Dr's think he will be gone by Christmas, and they have 3 daughters, 21, 13 &12. I've made cookies for them today, as when you've got Hospice coming into your home, it often becomes Grand Central Station. Reminder to self, many people have it far worse than us!
It takes all types of people to make a loving community.
Not a judgment of their situation, but they handle much more without becoming over-burdened. Then I go home and think, if they can, I can also.
Often, after some conversations, maybe it would have been better not to share, just keep it inside.
can prevent it from happening again" Duh, isn't that a given.
Now for the positive stuff. This sister was the only one who spoke up after Mom passed and told me "You were Mom's rock for the last two years of her life. I don't know what she would of done without you" Plus she is taking me out for a belated Birthday Lunch on Wednesday.