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I know the answer, write him off because im not going to change it but its frustrating. I've aslready assumed all financial and medical responsibility for my mom. I even supervise the aid. but when I ask him for small anything he's busy, procrastinates and then over-engineers solutions to make it seem like he's doing more than he is.
When I first got my mom an aid it was because he would turn off his phone so the police had no one to call but me. He said he needs his rest. When I asked him to change one lock on a door it took six months and he then insisted every door needed to be changed. He runs to the store to buy my mom vitamin water but when I asked him to buy her a pill crusher and water thickine going to cvs was too annoying so he went on amazon and she still doesn't have it. He then tells me he couldn't buy her an inferior product at cvs. I usuallly solve this by not asking him

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Can't change him. You can't make them do any more than they are willing. I was on both sides of this.
My mom was ill, and brother didn't visit nor help. Everything fell on me and my sister. Ironically, he came out looking like the hero at mom's funeral.

Years later, now my aunt, mom's sister is with dementia. She had moved out of state to be nearer to my cousins and her brother. My uncle. All was well until she got dementia. Now I was expected to do everything. My cousin was calling and texting left and right. I began to resent her. I felt I was doing all I could.

Point is, you can't change anyone or force them or get them to do something they're not willing to do. I suggested we all get together and get aunt to a facility where she belongs, as she's beyond family care. They (cousins) balked at the idea, but wanted me to wear myself out, which was a no can do

You can get your mom more help so that you don't burn yourself out, but expecting your brother to do more isn't going to happen. He's an adult with his own mind. Yes, it's going to cause feelings of resentment, but nothing you can do there.
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Be careful what you wish for... he sounds like a piece of work even when he is being "helpful". You need to come to peace that he's never going to be the person you wish he were. He never was that person to begin with. Please try to work on having peace over it and completely discount him as a solution for anything.

I'm hoping your Mom has some financial resources so that you can hire in-home help so you get a break and can find someone to perform other maintenance tasks for pay. Keep all the receipts and do good recordkeeping so he can never come back and accuse you of anything, like happens so often.

I'm hoping you are your Mom's actual PoA. If not, is there any way to get this done? You don't give many details about your Mom for context, but if she needs thickener, she has a pretty progressed health issue. Maybe consider getting her assessed for LTC so you can stop being the only solution and thus avoid burnout. Medicaid can cover her LTC in combination with her SS income if she qualifies when she applies. I would start looking into this now, even if it's not something you are thinking of currently. There's lots to know and if you're in charge of her finances you need to be aware that it's easy to seem like you're "mismanaging" her funds and prevent or delay her from qualifying financially.

Caregiving happens on the caregiver's terms or else burnout is pretty much guaranteed. Please make yourself the #1 priority has your Mom would not want your life to devolve for her sake (and I'm saying this as a parent to 3 men). I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you search for relief.
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I have one of those siblings. Many of the things you describe would describe him. Mine is also rude, mean, and even cruel at times. He was little to no help with our parents. Now that they’re gone, he tells others about how much time he spent taking care of them and has amnesia about the truth. My best advice having lived through similar—ask and expect nothing from him, use mom’s funds for mom’s care and require that she accept help from others, take regular breaks, and make sure the legal ducks are in a row. You’ll have less stress not depending on the undependable sibling. Accept him for who he is. I wish you peace
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I hope that when you say you have taken on all financial responsibility for your mom, that you mean managing HER finances and not that you are paying your own money for her. You need to save and invest for yourself. This forum has too many posts from adult children who find themselves without financial capability because they sacrificed it for parents. (I know all about people who over-engineer and make things way more complicated than they need to be, so I totally sympathize with you.)
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You are right, it's so frustrating!! I can relate, needing to interact with my own do-nothing brother, regarding the care of OUR mother. When I say Mom needs a tooth pulled and it's going to take about 3.5 hours from pick up to drop off, and I'll need to leave work AGAIN to take her, he'll fixate on why the tooth needs to be pulled (roots or gums?) instead of acknowledging the heaven and earth I will need to move to care for her with everything else on my plate. It's like, what does it matter why? It just does!" (Add it to all the other teeth I've been there for, when they had to be pulled too). Never one time has he left his job to help. He averages 3 very short visits a year (2-3 hours max), and with each of those he sits at her house, is fixated on his phone, and she will order and pay for pizza. He won't do the hard stuff like actually take her places. So, I've done what you do... stopped asking and involving him, but sometimes my mom will 'update him'. That's really a treat... the guy who does nothing suddenly gets a platform to declare his opinion. It is positively disgusting that he rests carefree from his house 2 hours away while I and my guy shoulder it all for OUR mother. The last thing on bro's mind is her care. The first thing on my mind each day is what she needs, and how will I make that happen... how will I juggle my own stressful FT career, my own house, my own husband, my own life, my own health, AFTER I make sure her needs are covered? and no, I didn't 'sign up' to do this. It started out as helping, Then she stopped driving. Then this and that happened and here I am, the more we do the more she needs. Does your mom give him equal credit? insist on 'splitting everything equally' when she's gone, while not offering to help compensate for your time and hard expenses, and not acknowledge your sacrifices? It's all very difficult. I've got friends who have never been in this position, with a small fraction of life responsibility on their plates compared to me, who tell me to 'accept it', 'laugh it off', 'stop expecting anything' and 'realize you're a better person for it'. None of these comments are helpful. No one knows what this feels like until you're in it... It's complicated, frustrating, largely thankless, and almost always about years and decades of history that builds to this point. There are very few to vent to, as very few can relate..thank goodness for a forum like this. Good luck, and vent anytime!!! We need to support eachother.
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DaughterDoesAll, since your mother has assets to leave to you and your brother, tell her NOW she needs to spend them on hired care or a care home because you will be cutting way back on your time spent on her needs in order to take care of your own. That's the only way things will change, unfortunately. Siblings aren't the only ones who can be selfish, parents often are, too.
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I also do 99.99% of care of my mom and about a year ago, I stopped asking my brother to do anything. It’s less stressful for me. I rarely update him either.

He lives far from us and visits her once a year or so, and calls her maybe twice a month. I do all the financial and practical stuff and visit her 3 times per week and it’s been that way for 4 years.

A year ago he offered to come visit her this summer for a week when my husband and I will be on vacation, but I am making plans for someone to cover for me other than him because he has made so many promises and then dropped the ball at the last minute before.

Stop planning for how you wish things were— how you think they SHOULD be — and plan for how they actually ARE. It’s less frustrating.
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