...because it's more Unassisted Living. I swear that for $5K a month, things should be taken care of, but I find myself having to follow up on WAY more than I'd like to. I've tried almost every alternative in the book, and much to my dismay, Unassisted Living was the best option. I chose AL because it was the best option. Him living in my house was a disaster, and I was afraid he was going to burn my house down. Independent Living didn't work because Dad doesn't have the capacity to manage 24 hour oxygen, meds, etc. with his sight. A small solo apartment with overnight help 3 nights a week was horrible. They were "ghetto" chicks that ate up his food, spent his money, or didn't show up at all because they were in jail (I'm not kidding about the last one). AL was my last, though expensive, resort. At least there 1) he got breakfast 2) the adult day center provides free transportation to and from three days a week, and the AL staff can at least handle Dad's insomnia, constant complaining, and medicines. However, I still feel like I have to be way more involved than I would like. If the TV breaks, Daddy calls. He complains CONSTANTLY about the food (because he wants me to bring it every night). Dad's cable isn't working and the cable company says its for non payment HUH? Cable is part of his rent!!! So now, I'm at work worrying about what's going on at the Unassisted Living place again... productivity shot to hell!! I can never know if the lazy evening staff (one of the CNA's is downright mean) is doing their job, and sometimes I think I should just save the damn money and rent something one level and pay help to come in again (maybe at a higher price point to weed out the bad ones). That would mean I would once again have to cover overnights, but if I'm constantly having to follow up on dumb S*** why not save the money? I HATE feeling like I still have to intervene when I pay a freaking A**load of money to NOT worry about this stuff. The staff, in an effort to help, started automatically sending food to Dad during meal times, and he's biting everyone's head off because he feels like their forcing him to eat. Guess who gets an ear full... Is it ok NOT to give a flying flip about his stupid eating habits anymore? Seriously! I'm SICK of hearing about this. I'm at a point where I don't care if he eats or not. I've bent over backwards and he's only happy when he gets his way... Translation: me bringing him what he wants when he wants it. AARGH!!! It's cold and rainy out today, and I so do NOT feel like driving 45 minutes to visit an old grump who is never happy. I just want to go home, have a glass of wine and cook something I want to eat for a change. Yep... one call from Dad, the AL or hospice never fails at putting me in a VERY bad mood!!!!
Call your Dad to check he's ok. By ok, by the way, I mean not in genuine need of anything according to standard definitions of need.
Then go home, have a glass of wine and cook something you would like to eat.
If you do that - and turn your phone off, for heaven's sake - what will happen to your Dad?
Nothing. Or at least, nothing awful. Nothing he won't enjoy complaining about next time.
But he's going to complain anyway, yes? So. There you are then. Might as well give him some new material in exchange for taking the evening off.
Just try it, as a little pilot scheme. Could be, you could get used to this...
I found that when my LO was in a regular AL, the staff called me a lot with issues and my LO seemed unhappy and dissatisfied. It turned out that she needed a higher level of care. It made it harder on her and all involved to stay in a regular AL. When she got into a MC, she seemed much more content. The staff understood her and was trained to meet her needs. She was more comfortable with the other residents too. She seemed to relax. I never got another phone call for me to come and deal with things. Only if she was going to doctor or hospital, but, that's it. They knew how to properly take care of her.
I hope you can get some relief, but, trying to get perfection for your LO, might not be feasible. Sometimes, things are fine and that's okay. They don't have to be perfect.
It could be that he needs a higher level of care and/or a meds adjustment. Having that evaluated would be worth spending time on. Trying to please him with meals etc is just staying on the merry go round. Set a limit for phone calls. e g .answer only between 5 and 6 pm alternate days or whatever suits you. Then take the rest of the time for yourself. He is narcissistic and you will never please him. He will complain whatever you do. If you bring him the meals he likes, then he will find something else to complain about. You are his narcissistic supply. If you stop giving him all that attention, he will find someone else in the ALF to give him attention. Let it happen.
I have cut off communication with my narcissistic mother several times. She manages fine. Now she is in late stage vascular dementia and that she can't call is a blessing for me. The staff look after her and call me (infrequently) about any issues.
Many persons in care centers at all levels have no family to visit them, no family to call for every detail of their care. I've seen this in my mother's NH. I've also seen how kind the staff is in looking after these folks. Even if you were not available to your father at all, he would survive and most likely thrive. I'm not suggesting such a drastic change, but recognizing that people can get along with the service they are paying so much for may help you detach without guilt. Bringing him a special meal a couple of times a month is a generous treat. Cooking for him every night is ridiculous. Listening to him constantly complain about his meals is ridiculous.
You were hoping that placing Dad in a care center would relieve you of hands-on care. Why hasn't it worked out that way? Because Dad has not bought into that, and because you are catering to him. Why should he buy in?
Work on the detaching with love and without guilt. I suspect things will improve a lot!
Get it?
Maybe all of us who write on this blog need to get together and write a great script for a comedy series. Although we must have a heart, some situations can be truly funny when we speed them up (like a Charlie Chaplin movie) or when colored.with proper exaggeration. We each have great material to offer here.
Anyhow, you need to allow the loved one (nice or not, in personality) to get adjusted and be on their own for more days than you are allowing now.
Listen to all the suggestions. It's a process. And, please do listen: you need to laugh and detach at least a few hours a day and a couple of days a week.
Are you taking time to teach the staff how to care for your father's whims and questions, so that you are more freed in your life and the staff begins to do the job they are supposed to? for 5K each month?
And further, are you training them to intervene first, as primary intervention, and later the staff can let you know how they are doing and can ask you for further details on how to approach, things to say, etc.?
In other words, has it occurred to you that you may not be doing your job, but the job of the staff? One of the adjustments is you also training the staff, otherwise, he will call you every five minutes. Think about it.
Best of luck!
Then he will pull the plug not you & when he gripes about food tell him he is lucky he doesn't have to eat what you are - can say you envy his food at AL & he may preen over this - there is more than 1 way to deflate a wind bag
Programme your phone to hold calls at certain times from his number but allow the nurses' number through - start small & increase as time goes by so that you get his calls when it is best for you - take care of yourself before you really get sick - remember it isn't whether the glass is 1/2 full or 1/2 empty but is there something to refill ... lol be that water or wine
By January 2018, I'm going to have the staff and myself acclimated to a much less involved Tinyblu!
I loved the idea of having a meeting with the AL Staff and Dad so that he feels involved. Maybe if I can sit down with the dietician and Dad so he can explain directly to them what he needs, his attitude will change. If not, he's just going to have to deal.
Something the life coach said made sense to me. When I was a child, there were several things placed on the table I didn't "like", but Dad didn't run off and make something I preferred. It was "eat it or go hungry"... and eventually those green peas or broccoli would magically disappear.
Everyone is right. I give dad fuel to add to the fire by jumping through hoops every time he complains. I'm going to ask for a meeting so Dad can tell the staff from his own mouth what he wants and how he wants it. I'm hoping this will be a happy medium.
- He complained when the staff automatically brought food because he felt like they were forcing him to eat
- He gets testy with the staff when they ask him if he wants to eat (basically to remind him it's meal time) and refuses food if he's in a bad mood
But then I get an ear full and naturally worry (codependency at it's best) and try to swoop in.
I get it. He's not starving and he's not malnourished. I have to let this go.
I'll keep you posted.
I had him live with me for a week and then put him in memory card. The cost is outrageous, $8k, but they are really well staffed and never call me with problems. He doesn't like living there but it's as good as it is going to get at this point.
I've come to realize that there is no way to keep my dad safe and happy. It's a hard, sad realization but it's the truth of the situation.
As absurd as $5k a month is for care, you may have to spend more to get the care he needs.