Let's talk about the spiritual aspect of caregiving.

This is something I'm also very interested in. I think there is much spiritual growth possible even when the spiritual bond to the person is not there. It is spiritual growth inside ourselves.

We are often asked here on the group that if things are not good, why don't we just leave. That is a very hard question for me to answer, mainly because I don't know. Sometimes there comes moments of clarity that let us know things about others and ourselves. The other morning I woke up and realized that I didn't leave because I am a responsible person who thinks of how my reactions will affect others around me. It was as simple as that. Realizing that was enlightening for some reason, since I had been feeling like something must be wrong with me for not leaving.

I know my mother well. I know that if I were to get pulverized by a truck in an accident, her thought would be who was going to buy groceries for her now. I don't seek love in a place where there is none. However, I am not that person. Will I miss her when she is gone? Probably not, because no bond ever formed between us. While she is here I will do the best I can to keep her semi-comfortable only if it is because I am responsible.

I could write a whole book on this, getting a lot deeper, but I think I'll leave it alone and let other people write things. It is hard to put things in words. It's a bit like trying to explain how something looks, tastes, or smells. We can experience things, but not be able to explain the feeling. I like those moments of clarity when the feelings put themselves into something that can be put in simple words.

I think it is hard to feel positive about the caregiver role if you never get any affirmative feedback. I'm sure your friend and your sister showed their appreciation for the help you gave them, and that validated your efforts and affirmed that what you were doing was good and valuable.
When we care for someone who has never been able to show appreciation, like you or Jessie, or someone like my mother whose dementia has stolen her ability to see the world outside herself, it is harder to know if there is any value to what we do. I've often lamented that even a newborn can smile with happiness, a dog will wag it's tail or a cat will purr, but my mother gives absolutely no feedback no matter what I do, so how do I know I am doing the right things?
So why do I do it? I look back at my life and I can clearly see the building blocks that gave me the ability to take on this role. I look at my mother as she once was and I know without question that I would never have abandoned that woman, so I continue to honour the mother, the woman, she used to be. And I hope that wherever the future takes me I will be able to look back at this time in my life as another building block that has helped me to grow into the person I need to be.

Carla, you've raised some very relevant issues. Having read yours, CW's and Jessie's posts, I find it hard to offer anything comments that are as insightful. In addition, I don't see spirituality in the sense of relation to religion, but rather as an element of living with the natural world.

This is a topic about which I need to think so that I can offer comments as eloquent as CW and Jessie.

Back later when my brain is functioning more clearly.

Jessie - you shared something that's a big part of my motivation too, maybe all of it. I am a person who shows up and steps up. I do it for my mother not out of love but because someone has to. The only motivation I feel to do it is the desire not to leave other people stuck with it.

Having said that, there's an opportunity cost, in terms of not being available for other, more important, life experiences. I was able to be with my sister when she died, because my sister lived only a few blocks away from my mother. But, a few years ago, an old friend of mine died in New York while I was stuck in Florida with my mother, and I wasn't able to be there for her at all or even say goodbye to her. I feel such deep regret about that. I'm sure my mother's confident that she is and should be top priority, but she's not. The fact that caregiving for my mother not only has no meaning for me but deprives me of experiences that would have great meaning, that's really hard to take.

Caregiving is a humbling experience. Today I did a bad thing. I was talking about leaving a tip for the valets next week for Christmas. I've been tipping the valets each week for five years now because they help me so much when I take Mom to church. Mom started talking about how I should do the tip and breaking it down, turning a simple matter into a complex problem. Then she started in on how I didn't know how to do these things. I reminded her I was 65 and not 14, but she wouldn't let it go. I am so ashamed to say that I told her she didn't have enough sense to come out of the rain, so I would handle it. I felt terrible saying that. Then I felt silly feeling terrible, since I had just listened to 10-15 minutes of her belittling remarks at me. The truth is I feel like she can say all kinds of bad things to me, but I have to treat her with respect every minute. Oh boy, if I ever did finally say all the things I was really thinking. I feel bad that I even said one thing. I'll try not to do that again, since it was a bad thing I did... for both of us.

Not having the sense to come out of the rain. Ha! I must remember that one. Yesterday my MIL told me she "went" to physical therapy (being wheeled downstairs in her wheelchair and hoisted on some apparatus) and was displeased because her "trainer" wouldn't let her use the vibration machine. This woman can't even stand up anymore but thinks she should train like Arnold Schwarzenegger. I told her she should wear a helmet and she gave me a nasty look.

JessieBelle - I sure relate to the spouting off and the regret afterwards. Some people bring out the worst in us and controlling mothers are right at the top of that list. My ex-husband brought out the worst in me too, but him I could divorce. (Notice the word "ex-") All I can say is don't beat yourself up about it. You're only human, and you're in a very stressful situation with not much opportunity for relief. Sigh....

Wonderful electricity analogy and I think you could apply that to any endeavor.

This thread reminds me of a dream I had the other day. There was a wounded tiger pacing around with an arrow in its side. It didn't roar, but said meow as it paced. When I woke up I knew that wounded tiger was my spirit. It was no longer fearsome, but meek. I don't think caregiving put the arrow in the tiger, but life altogether did. So many small things happening can make our spirits small and easily controlled. Parents, siblings, spouses, religion, events all work on us so we can never really know our full spiritual self except in dreams, and even then they can be wounded.

What Jess said "there is much spiritual growth possible even when the spiritual bond to the person is not there. It is spiritual growth inside ourselves" is very deep and relevant.

I think it is also as CWillie says, "I think it is hard to feel positive about the caregiver role if you never get any affirmative feedback".
Also Cwillie makes a good point in allowing things to "be" rather than rationalizing the arguments relating to caregiving value. For example, she mentions how dementia has stolen her mother's ability to see the world outside herself.

To be honest, I believe we are never prepared enough - not to the degree in which we often find ourselves weighing the merit of our contribution. Because, as a caregiver if you have no experience in this role to a tough degree, it is hard to imagine the depth at which we struggle to challenge ourselves for answers. In other words, we have to go through it to go through it. While many books offer some insight, I think it is impossible to know all the situations particular to each person. All of us have different coping skills and varied relationship experiences. I am not totally the person I want to become, so throw that into the mix and it's a tough grind. Maybe that is the lesson. I have no clue.

I do know that I ended up asking myself a lot of questions I may not have vexed myself with before. Deep spiritual questions about consistency, showing up every day, spirituality and getting to know myself above all else. It has been a sort of maturation into myself and applying these lessons (after I fight them!) to become closer to what I want to develop into.

I feel damned if I do or don't when I have to choose between my kids and my parents. Especially around the holidays. It can drop me to bended knee asking what is the best course of action. Divorce can make relationships with our children tought, too so it is not like I am always chosing the best as it were...and then the parents negativity and deep isolation I find myself u against in trying to get them to connect is equally as rough. If I were to be honest, I would say I want to go out to see the northern lights in a freakin teepee in Canada after dog sledding all day and drinking hot cocoa. That is what I would do if I could. But I have to choose and neither feel so hot right now. But the relationships with these people are not what I had hoped and I want to pick the next thing I would or might enjoy - which is what I just shared.

The net effect is knowing what I might like to do one day and can do one day - its planning for things - which I had not really done much of before. And since those relationships are not so good, I can commit to doing the alone if need be.

I would consider this part of spirituality. To myself and how I want to live better in my head and dreams. For a long time even thinking about such folly was off the menu. I am reintroducing the notion that I don't have to live this way forever and that if they should pass before I do, I will know I did the best I could in that moment with what I had. I know there are ties I am heart weary and depressed and I cannot drive myself to be more for the - but I am human and I hurt when they hurt. I know their dreams are tings they seem to have given up on. I cannot rouse them to dream or hope again though I have tried. LIving this with them is hard.

I don't have the answers. Maybe hope and faith is enough. And to live this moment as best I can and not pin it all on SOME DAY because today has got to be good enough. Anything can happen tomorrow.

The circuit may be broken in her - but yours is capable of completing irrespective of her ability to do so. :) Do it for yourself.

What other people, handicapped or not, think about what I might do for them caregiving wise, is, I think, none of my business. I do it for them, for God, and not for me..

Grace + Peace,

Bob

OLDBOB1936 is right on! If we desire true peace in our hearts, we must recognize that God chooses to love us because He is a faithful, loving God. In turn, when we experience His love, we can only pass it on. May we all surrender to His perfect peace. Me included. I need God's love moment by moment.

Some people for whatever circumstances in their lives have made them un-loveable. Feelings are neither good nor bad, feelings just are. Tell your mother how you feel and if she doesn't like it, tough. At least you have gotten that off your chest and you might feel better rather than letting those pent up feelings fester so you tell complete strangers how you are feeling. I am an admirer of Dr. Scott Peck too, and the last thing he would want his patients to do is deny their true feelings. Maybe your mother doesn't like you either...motherhood does not come with "love thy child" guarantees.

Carla, loving thoughts to you for all the care you have been to so many. This is so hard to be caring for a critical or ungrateful mother. When I cared for my mother, I kept thinking how many times did she change my diapers, feed me meals, buy my clothes, make lunches , drive me to school, etc...for 18 years..and I doubt I thanked her for those things as I was growing up. It helps to see the needy one as disabled mentally or emotionally as well as physically...and important for you to get your nurturing from your support group/ friends and have time off to renew yourself. Caregiving is a demanding work...and your self care is also critical. I hope you find a balance and are appreciating yourself...good self talk..." I did a great job with that meal today...with that shower...etc."

caring for the sick and elderly is a very humbling experience. we don't know how we would act ir behave in the same situation. we have a tendency to over do things. try to treat each person with dignity and respect. give them choice as much as you can...which blouse would you like to wear today...can I help you with that...ask a question and enable them to make a choice.....spiritually, we are called to serve, to love and see God in our neighbour.....all you need to do is wash a person's feet.....it's a liberating experience

When I am successful with such situations, it is because I am remembering the teaching "to love one another." I ask myself: "what does that look like? How do I behave if I am following this teaching." It is a challenge to me to apply this in all situations, but eventually, I start to ask blessings for the person causing me these negative feelings. That enables me to continue to act kindly and in a thoughtful and loving way towards them. It changes something in me, if not in them. And it needs reapplication when those negative, angry feelings come back.

This is one of the most important and difficult aspects I have in dealing with my BIL, There are days I feel like such a hypocrite. I look at him and say , it's not him that I resent , it's the disease that I resent. Really ! ? So if I 'm true to myself , the answer is no,I do resent this man who changed our lives completely in so many ways, He had to come here 3 years ago and at that time it was because of Alcoholic induced dementia along with all his other disorders (mite add he hasn't had a drink since then) So yeah it isn't everyday I feel this way, but it's realizng how safe my husband and I were financially and secure in a small senior complex now we live in this house with him and all his arrogance and ungratefulness and as to what we gave up for him and now our girls will end up taking care of him. It makes me so tired, but back to the spirituall aspect and feeling so ashamed of my feelings. If you know the right thing to do and you don't do it, then your wrong , so I take care and do all I can with this unnatural smile on my face.
And when I have these feelings I look at him and say ,God bless him, so I pretty much am saying it all day, then sometimes at the end I say and God help me.......and He does and we go on and do the Right Thing

My experience with caregiving my elderly divorced parents (dad in nursing home, mom still living in independent senior living) is that I'm not cut out for it. I end up an angry, internally raging maniac as I deal with selfishness, hostility, lack of planning now shoved onto me because "kids take care of their parents", which they never did, by the way. Manipulation to get their way.

I would confess my anger and feelings to my priest until finally he recommended a book "Toxic Parents" - which was an eye opener and a life line. Hurrah for "spiritual" advise! Now I set boundaries. They hate it, they fight it, but they are the angry ones, not me. I do what I want to do with love, and no to the rest. It is not my problem that they didn't plan for their elder years and thought I would be an open checking account for trips to the casino, rent, etc.

Perhaps if either was the cute, clean, cheerful grandparent in a Norman Rockwell painting - I might feel differently. Not a spiritual, love humanity, good in everyone post, but I just got back from five days of Christmas with them. Holidays bring out the emotion and they replay to me every thing I have done to let them down.

I almost wish I hadn't started this thread - some of the responses have me gnashing my teeth, although some are most appreciated (you know who you are).

I do have to respond to a few of the comments, to set the record straight. As to what Ferris1 said, my mother is well aware how I feel. I'm not one to go around with a fake smile and pretend everything is peachy keen. She knows I don't want to take care of her and I devote as little time to it as possible. It doesn't help me to express that to her, and her reaction (indignation and resentment) doesn't help me either. I don't post here because I'm so pent up that I need to vent to total strangers. I post here because the members of this forum are other caregivers, many of whom are in similar situations, and I get understanding and support from them. That's the key thing, not merely the opportunity to vent. The "total strangers" here know me and understand me a lot better than my mother does, or wants to. That's why I talk to them.

As for all the "love your neighbor" advice, I realize I opened the door to that when I started talking about spirituality, but I don't buy into it at all. My code of values is very personal, not centered in the Bible or any religion. We all my be equal in the sight of God, but in my sight, absolutely not. It violates my ethics to devote attention and energy on someone whose behavior and attitudes so affront my personal code of values. That's why this obligate caregiving is such a thorny thing for me. I accept that someone has to do it, but I'm tremendously conflicted about the fact that it has to be me.

I am wrestling with spiritual matters today. I moved in with my parents when I was 57. I am about to turn 65 and my life is frozen. My mother has been dying every day all day long since I've been here. All day she lives like it's her last moments on earth. It feels evil, because it is just total self-absorption. She was not a good mother, always neglectful and self absorbed. She did get dinner on the table each night, but otherwise we raised ourselves. She considers herself a Christian woman and spends a lot of time watching TBN. There is a strong philosophy now that all you have to do to go to heaven is believe Jesus is lord and it doesn't matter what else you do. I see that thought as pure spiritual laziness from someone who has been dependent on others their entire lives.

The sad thing is that during all these years where my mother has been dying, she has not been anywhere near death. I think she is dead inside, though. And I don't think she is a good person. I don't think she feels love for anyone, but feels they should show her complete devotion. She seems to dislike me, but knows she needs me to be her servant. She is still dying every day all day long, but I don't know if it will be another year or another 10 years. She doesn't seem to get any gratification from being sick all the time except that no one expects her to do anything. Of course, I can't say anything because I'm terrible if I do. She is my mother, you know.

I really can't believe that she and I are related. If we chose a life before we are born for some reason, I can't imagine why I might have chosen this life.

Wow, JessieBelle - now I'm sorry for your sake that I opened this can of worms. My mother is an avowed atheist. I don't know if that makes it better or worse.

I love the clarity and humility Scaredtaker offered: "I do know that I ended up asking myself a lot of questions I may not have vexed myself with before. Deep spiritual questions about consistency, showing up every day, spirituality and getting to know myself above all else. It has been a sort of maturation into myself and applying these lessons (after I fight them!) to become closer to what I want to develop into."
This is where caregiving keeps bringing me. And I keep not being as perfect and loving and compassionate as I want to be - or as I sometimes tell myself I 'really' am. I too often snap at Mom when she once again has taken off her Depends and not replaced them, resulting in a cleanup. Or when she keeps telling me (for the 10th time) that she can do something herself that I know she can no longer do, while I stand by with a workable solution and a growing head of frustration. But that is not my Best Self. That is my Teacher Self who often seems like a twisted, evil twin, but who is in reality showing me where my next step toward spiritual growth lies -- in developing patience as evidenced in controlling my temper and my tongue, which can be cruel.
There is also a highly broken and dysfunctional brother-in-law living with us and he is even more of a spiritual teacher when I allow it. I have had several months of hard-heartedness toward him and am just now beginning to be willing to try to be kind and compassionate with him, at the same time as I set clear boundaries.
In fact, he has led me to distinguish a couple of terms. When he demands or "takes" care, he is a care taker -- which is based in entitlement. It makes it harder for me to be a care giver -- freely offering help with a loving heart. But that is what I want to be -- a care giver with healthy boundaries. Tough combo to bring about.
My Mom is, at least, a "care receiver/allower" most of the time, appreciating what I do and not expecting much, which leaves me freedom to 'surprise and delight' rather than trying to keep up.
Both of them have helped me see myself more clearly as someone whose self-centeredness is still strong and whose compassion needs to grow a lot. I don't yet know how that squares with my equally strong understanding that God has a life for me that includes more adventure, learning, and interest beyond just this. But I have chosen to trust that whatever I am learning now is a necessary foundation for being the person I want to be in whatever post-caregiving life may await me.

Just read some of this thread. Carla, your last entry kinda sums it up for me. Why are talking about spirituality? The discussion seems to be about resenting the obligation of caregiving our parents. Believe what you want, spirits, gods will, fine. Maybe some get spiritual growth from careing for elders. Don't see it myself.

My folks are still pretty sweet people but it's all still a major pain in the *ss. I'm the last one on earth left to deal with them and I resent that fact and don't like it one bit but there's that obligation thing like the 800 pound gorilla in the room.

And I very much appreciate this thread. Caregiving IS a spiritual practice for me and I so appreciate Carla "opening this can of worms". We won't all be in the same place, but it's such a rich and important discussion. Maybe this "can of worms" will help me be less "fishy" in my caregiving!

Carla, don't worry. You didn't open a can of worms. These are feelings I've been dealing with since I arrived. Some of them are very feel bad, so you really can't talk about them in public. I understand what windyridge wrote. We have this obligation whether it be spiritual or because we're the "last man standing" in a situation. The burden can be heavy, particularly dealing with mental illness and dementia.

I am ashamed to say it took me 10 years after her death for me to get over the things my mother said to me when she was suffering with dementia. Her last word to me as I removed a blanket from her bed were a surly, "Fold that up!" and my last words to her were a snarky, "Thanks, Mom; I wouldn't have known to do that if you hadn't told me." She had been a wonderful woman in her younger days but the very qualities that made her wonderful were exaggerated to make her into a ornery elderly person in her 80s. I try to tell my children and my nieces and nephews not to let their parents' criticism get to them as I allowed my poor sick mother's to do to me.

I can relate to many of your comments. Some days it feels like a thankless job. I just started the caregiving a month ago since I moved my mom closer to me. She's now 92, so I felt the time had come. However, sometimes I question my decision to have moved her closer. There are times when it seems she just wants to pick a fight, Some of that is her personality, but just nastier now that she's older. I liked the part someone said about being self-absorbed. That's when I really lose it because it seems that her world is so small, that that's all she thinks about. It revolves around each and every issue that comes up everyday (tv doesn't work, neighbor makes noise at night, door slams hard outside, etc.). At the same time, she wants to remain fiercely independent, so she gets upset if I set my purse down on the counter, or if I move anything. Then I get lectured on how cruel people can be when they don't realize what it's like being 92. I try to make her remember how she was when her mother was ill, and she shrugs it off. Needless to say, she really wasn't there much for her, and they argued incessantly. So now I have to devote my energy and focus on her, but my life is secondary, I mentioned to her that I was not getting home until 4:00 after getting there around 11:00, and she throws that at my face now whenever she can. So I've decided to set limits on the number of days I visit, and I insisted on getting a caregiver at least once a week, which she didn't think was necessary. She used to get one 4 times a week, but now that I'm around, she felt it was no longer necessary. So bottom line is that my life was taking a drastic change, and I wasn't liking it, so now with the compromise it's better. She's liking the caregiver and I told her it gives her a chance to talk about her stories with someone different, plus she's usually nicer with these people. With me, she feels like she can get away with showing her negative side. Definitely not a rewarding, spiritual experience.

Something helps me when I'm feeling spiritually downtrodden. There are 10 simple rules that many Native American tribes follow. They are simple and very enlightened. The 6th commandment is important to me when I think about why I am doing this.

Native American Ten Commandments
1. The Earth is our Mother, care for her.
2. Honor all your relations.
3. Open your heart and soul the the Great Spirit.
4. All life is sacred, treat all beings with respect.
5. Take from the Earth what is needed and nothing more.
6. Do what needs to be done for the good of the all.
7. Give constant thanks to the Great Spirit for each new day.
8. Speak the truth: but only of the good in others.
9. Follow the rhythms of nature: rise and retire with the sun.
10. Enjoy life's journey but leave no tracks.

I can truly say I had a spiritual closeness with my mother when she were living and I still have that same closeness now that he has passed. Until the day she passed she was always so thankful for me and thanked me for everything I did for both her and Dad every time I went to see her, Dad never did understand why I had to go see her and asked why did I go see her. He even blamed me when she died. he blamed me for the bills.. for his problems and everything else he could come up with. My help to him was and now today is never enough. He is very moody today and I asked him" Have you ever seen the look you give your daughter(me) when there is something you think I should have done or the look you give when you are angry for me telling you not to do something? I made a face and he says " I look like that,,, dang what a face?" Yes and it is an ugly face. This ugly dementia and ugly problems he has that continue to go on and on send us farther apart as father and daughter. We have never been close anyways and he has never been close with any other family either. He once blamed things on Mom and now it's me. The spiritual side .. there will never be one between us.. all there is..is darkness. All he sees his doom and gloom and has as early as his 50's. If misery loves company then misery can leave anytime it wants to.