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This may not be the forum for this but I' have relied on this forum for some time.


I will get straight to the point. If your spouse asks you not to wear makeup, would you not wear makeup? If your spouse asks you not to wear shorts (not talking Daisy Duke type shorts) to work, would you not do so? If your spouse asks you not to speak to other men, would you not do so? If this list keeps going, would you keep going?


I do try to compromise for example with just lipstick, mascara, and nail polish.


If I wear my hair curly one day when I am not with him but then straight the next day I am with him, he says I did not put as much effort in as I did the previous day.


I am so tired of my spouse telling me what he does not like about me. Of course when he is telling me something it comes with anger. My counselor suggests giving up on my marriage after working with me for 6 months. We did a few couple's sessions. I have suggested hubby go back to individual counseling to work on his control and jealously issues in the past. I don't do is against him.


If you want to lose weight, it should be about him. If I want to start looking more attractive, it should be about him.

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I've been married 44 years. The crazy thing about husbands is that they want you all dolled up when you are dating, then all the rules change when you are married. Suddenly they want you to not attract attention. You either roll with it or you split. Your choice.
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Sounds like hubby doesn't like the fact that HE is aging, thus he is taking it out on you.

I remember way back decades ago, the comic Jerry Lewis left his wife of 35 years because when he looked at her it made him feel old. Good heavens, does he have a clown mirror in his room that makes him look thinner and younger?
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answry, does he have religious convictions that make him think you should be plain? Or is it just jealousy and control? (Really, these can be the same.) A lot of women do work to become what their man wants them to be. They can end up losing themselves and, strangely enough, the respect of the man they were changing for. I'd say be who you are, which is probably pretty proper already. If he doesn't like it, tell him you are the same woman he married. I like marriages to work, but know that compromise has to come from both sides. If it doesn't, the side that's always giving in gets very unhappy indeed.

Maybe you should just kick your husband in the butt. That's what a lot of them need.
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I've always said never get involved with a man expecting/thinking he will change. For sure the same goes the other way around, although tweeked in your situation. If I were wearing make-up ala Tammy Faye Baker I would hope my hubby would gently tell me to go a little easier on the mascara. If my big backside was hanging out of my shorts - I would hope he'd tell me. BUT - if I'm pretty much looking and dressing as I did when we met and married - and I am not making a fool of myself I would expect him to not only keep his mouth shut but I would expect it to be a non issue - never occurring to him to say anything. But I was almost 36 when I met my hubby and I've always been on the independent end of the spectrum. Was your hubby controlling in the beggining? If so, I doubt he'll change and the decision to go along or get out is yours. If this is new, perhaps more counseling could help. Regardless - only you can decide for yourself how much of this you'll accept - how far you're willing to go to make him happy. But I ask you - is no make-up going to make him happy or will he next turn his attention to how much time you spend with a girlfriend, what you eat, how much you weigh etc?
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funny thing I am 43 and hubby 54. Oh man I don’t know why but I love this batty person and believe in our marriage vows until death do us part. But I swear this crazy stuff feels like it is going to kill me waaaaayyy before it is time.

My counselor got frustrated with me last week. They stress leaving. I'm not there and do counseling to help keep me from going insane and/or choking him out. I believe they are tired of listening.

Another example: My friend came into town, and we had a two hour lunch at a fast food joint. He was informed of everything. But the next day he explained how I was so wrong and that I should have asked permission instead of telling him of my plans.

So I guess the next question is, how do you deal? I feel like I am going crazy. I heard on TV the solution is silence and playful sex. Lots of silence going on but not much other.

I don't see how we are going to get 44 years under our belt. Next month should be our 17 year celebration but lol
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Answry, what does marriage mean to you? If you think of mattiage as being a relationship akin to one partner being "obeyed" in all things, the husband being the lord of the manner and the owner of all your rights and properties ( as it was in the 19th century and before), then you've goy your answer. Obey your husband and be ruled by him in all things.

Stop going to counseling; talking to someone who sees that your husband has a personality disorder and won't change is only going to frustrate you.

If, on the other hand, you believe that marriage is a voluntary partnership of two equal parties, you need to find out if that's the contract HE feels he's entered into. Why does he think he has a right to dictate how you dress, who you speak to?

Do you have the right to dictate the same to him?
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What a jerk. If you don't have kids leave. If you have daughters you are teaching them that it is ok for men to treat you this way. Your sons are learning to treat women like this. If he is doing this for religious reasons and thinks he's a Christian he is way off base. The bible says husbands love your wife as Christ loved the church. We as believers are the church. That means he gave his life , shed his blood for as while we were yet sinners. That's a far cry from how your husband treats you.
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So back to my question - has this been going on in some form or another for seventeen years? Personally, I couldn't do it. And I suspect my hubby knows if he tried that crap, I stab him in the heart while he slept, with a butter knife!
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Time for a movie quote. "Darrell, you're my husband not my father". ~ Thelma, Thelma and Louise.
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Well how does he respond, when you come right out and tell him to back off about your appearance? I've been with my husband for 31 years, and he would never try to tell me what to do or how to look, so I'm guessing that you have allowed this behavior or have tried to be the perfect wife that he wants you to be, and now you don't like him doing this. I recommend that you step up and tell him that he isn't your father, and that you don't have to make physical changes, just because he says so! No way, no how! I can see why your counselor is telling you to leave, he's a bully, and jealous of you having friends, and positive attention! Those are his insecurities, and he needs to learn how to deal with them! Not you! Good luck! I'm sure that there are lots of other reasons why you love him, and this behavior makes it difficult to want to leave, and I'm no suggesting you do so, but he needs to figure out a way to appreciate you, just the way you are! Try reading some of these responses to him!
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If this was happening to me, I would either do it more or I would yell and scream or I would leave. You are not his slave. You can do what you want. Marriage is not for the man to tell his wife what to do.
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No religious convictions, it is just plain old control and jealously that is now being magnified I think by age, medical issues, and me allowing it for so many years. His trust of women started way before me and started with mom who had men in and out of her life, she was suicidal, and abandoned him.

Over the years, I know this has played a large roll and tried to be understanding. But I am TIRED.

Everyone else gets to see the good side. Sadly it has been this way from day one. I had no one to tell me better and how could I when I never talked to anyone about it and just tried to work through it on my own.

I never wore makeup except for lipstick and nail polish. But my daughter now 16 is into it all since the age of 13 it seems and I am her project. She loves to do my hair and makeup. Still just mascara and lipstick because otherwise she gets the funky eye from dad. Another example, if we will pass a store. She will go look at the pretty dresses mom, we should try them on. Dad immediately sees why it will not look good on me. It aggravates the heck out of me now. These comments.

I really don’t think I can make him happy.

I believe there should be two equal parties and that now is the time to give me that or get the heck out of the way. I don’t dictate and he is free to speak to whomever, go wherever etc.

I asked just last week, why is there two different sets of rules? One for you and a totally different set for me. In his mind there is not. I know for a fact there is.

Son is 13 and daughter 16. Daughter is staying sad and son doesn’t give a. He always says what now, what dad angry about now? That is how I feel also. Like he is always angry at me.

When I tell him to back off it is war and a speech about why I don’t love him anymore maybe never. And why I treat him like the enemy. This war has been going on again for two weeks now. About the same freaking issues. Today I told him it is time for change or separation/divorce. But of course it is because that is what I have been wanting/planning for a long time.

That’s why I suggested counseling to discuss insecurities and now he says I am calling him mental.
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Don't be surprised if he is reading your mail, email and checking your browser history
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answry, this is a very difficult situation. He has to be made to understand that his behavior is driving you away. He sounds very paranoid. Maybe it is because he is getting older and not feeling so good about himself. His control issues are starting to get worse. What would he do if you "disobeyed" him. I mean, he's not the boss of you. Would he leave, or would he just gripe and complain? Maybe a little honesty would help. If he says you're saying he's mental, tell him that yes, he is acting crazier. If the big shoe fits...

Maybe he'd like to join the Seventh Day Adventists. Women in it don't wear makeup and dress plainly. I'm not sure what men do.

I don't like the idea of divorce, but I know some problems can't be worked through. I have a feeling you have tried to reassure him. I am hoping that it works out well for you.
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Dearie, was married for 24 years to someone just like this. Should have seen the light a lot sooner. I set a dreadful example for my children.

He's mentally ill, probably has a personality disorder. Therapy doesn't really help those. Charming to the outside world. May threaten suicide if you say divorce. Oh, and it's all your fault. Always has been, always will be.

You'll be amazed at how much more energy you have once you've split.
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"I really don’t think I can make him happy." Or do you need or want to make him happy? And the flip side of the coin is can he make you happy? I think you know the answer to that.

What troubles me is not only that this has become an embedded problem, but that your children are being affected. You have a responsibility to them to provide as good a life as you can, and that's not happening.

Has he been violent with you or the children? How would you feel if Children's Protective Service was contacted by an observant neighbor and your children were removed?

If something doesn't change, if you don't stand up to him or even leave him, your children will probably desert you as soon as they're of age and head to better places to live their own lives. What and who will you have then? Just Mr. Control Freak.

You've been given good answers; it's time to move past the litany of things he's done and decide what if anything you're going to do. You could write severl more posts about his behavior but that's not a solution. There is ingrained behavior in both of you - him with his brutally frank manipulation, puts downs and control, and you in your acquiescence, and from what I read a long time submissive role.

This isn't a blame situation; it's an assessment of what happens with specific types of personalities.

Give some serious thought to what you want to do with your life, but be prepared to accept the consequences if you stay with him. And remember, change doesn't happen overnight; if you decide to leave him, you'll need to make plans and implement them to provide for yourself and your children. And that might be the reason you don't leave - because being on your own, providing your own support, might be too overwhelming to contemplate.
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Thanks all for my kick in the butt. Please pray for me and my family or just send some well wishes.
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What would hubs do if you turned this around on him? He has to ASK permission for everything he does, he has to dress in a "frumpy" manner.. so on?I bet he would not like it... so why does he think you should?
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answry, I am taking a soap opera approach now... is hubby spending time away from home, going outside to talk on his cellphone, etc? Could there be someone else?

Maybe he is saying these things to you to get you angry enough to say it is time to split up... then he can go around to his peers and say that you left him and took his children with you, thus making you look like the bad guy. Or maybe it is just a mid-life crises on his part, maybe there were things he wanted to do in his life and never could, so he is putting the blame on the person closes to him, you. Is it fair, of course not.
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answry, sounds like male menopause to me. Oh, they go through their own crisis, when being hung like a horse shrinks into my little pony. When they wake up without an erection in the morning. Read up on it. They won't tell you or the MD, but they know they are not a kid anymore.
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Pam,, you made me laugh!!
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Lol - gives new meaning to "My Little Poney".
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Answry, With this kind of paranoid control, do not confront the man, you could be killed if he thinks you are leaving.
Never shame him.
You know what to do when even the counselor has given up on your marriage.

The dynamics are such that you may choose to stay and remain ill.
So sorry. Especially for your children, who may decide to take his side for their own protection against his abuse, or for whatever reason.

Getting yourself free with some safety and money may save you.
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What Pam said is True! Men get insecure, when they reach that age when they are feeling older, and they still have a young, desirable wife. If keeping you under his thumb makes him feel more secure, then maybe you need to do something about that, and say make him feel like he is the only one you choose, and rub his back, compliment him, show interest in the things he loves. Make date nights. If by making him happy, he becomes a happier guy, then you have your answer. Men need and require a lot of attention! I know my guy becomes whiney, when he doesn't get enough! Give him some Luv, and see if he backs off a little! You say you Love him, really pour it on for a while! You both may end up happier! 😉😉😉
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Get some Viagra! It works!
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Ff. , good idea. Have him pee in a cup when he gets home late
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Answry ~ I read what you said about why hubby may be acting in this way, based on deep hurt and insecurities about his mother. It's truly such a human tragedy that we inherit and re-act out these patterns of dysfunction. Hubs needs to either be willing to get help for his dysfunction - and he must be willing to understand that that's what it is - or you need to be willing to deal with a lifetime of having a partner that is going to create dysfunctionality in your marriage over and over again.

Sorry if that seems extreme. I definitely sending you some positive thoughts and best wishes to know how to move things forward in a good way for yourself.
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Lol...
Kenny Rogers – Ruby, Don't Take Your Love To Town Lyrics
You've painted up your lips and rolled and curled your tinted hair,
Ruby are you contemplating going out somewhere?
The shadows on the wall tell me the sun is going down,
Oh Ruby, don't take your love to town.

It's hard to love a man whose legs are bent and paralyzed,
And the wants and needs of a woman your age really I realize,
But it won't be long, I've heard them say, until I'm not around,
Oh Ruby, don't take your love to town.

She's leaving now cause I just heard the slamming of the door,
The way I know I heard its slams one hundred times before,
And if I could move I'd get my gun and put her in the ground,
Oh Ruby, don't take your love to town.

Oh Ruby, for God's sake, turn around
Songwriters: TILLIS, MEL
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Or, Lol some more.. by Leslie Gore

.You don't own me
Don't try to change me in any way
You don't own me
Don't tie me down 'cause I'd never stay
I don't tell you what to say
I don't tell you what to do
So just let me be myself
That's all I ask of you
I'm young and I love to be young
I'm free and I love to be free
To live my life the way I want
To say and do whatever I please
And don't tell me what to do
Oh, don't tell me what to say
And please, when I go out with you
Don't put me on display
I don't tell you what to say
Oh, don't tell you what to do
So just let me be myself
That's all I ask of you
I'm young and I love to be young
I'm free and I love to be free!
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Oh I Love that song, Send! And even though it probably has nothing to do with the OP, I could sing that one out loud in my back yard, and it would make me feel good!
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