My spouse's mental issues are making me ill.

I just have to chime in here. If someone in your life is stifling you and not letting you be you there is a problem. Love is not jealous or demanding. Control is. If someone needs to control you then they are the one with the problem, not you.

I dated a man once who wanted me to get a boob job. He said "oh you would be perfect if you had bigger boobs" You know what I said to him "You would be perfect if you got a penis extension and your mouth sewn shut"

He has not been physically violet. If there is someone else, he is keeping it well hidden. Lol, the responses have made me laugh and some of them cry. I thank you all for both. I'm glad to have internet friends for honesty.

You have gotten a wealth of information here!

Perhaps some thoughts or answers that you hadn't even imagined.

Big time to make decisions......

Keep up the good work, let daughter doll you up! She is at "that" age, where she still wants to be doing something with you. Then, that could change.
Use the opportunity to bond with her, and be happy.
So sorry your husband is not being fair.
Best regards,
M88

Stacey, The OP, that's Answry, does need to feel good, her husband is making her ill. Why there is music will become abundantly clear, depending on which song fits.
Lol, some more music therapy-I suggest going on youtube and listen:

"You're the one that I want" Grease/Olivia Newton-John
I got chills, they're multiplying
And I'm losing control
'Cause the power, you're supplying
It's electrifying!
You better shape up, 'cause I need a man
And my heart is set on you
You better shape up, you better understand
To my heart I must be true
Nothing left, nothing left for me to do
You're the one that I want
You are the one I want
Oo,Oo,Oo honey
You're the one that I want
You are the one I want
Oo, Oo, Oo honey
You're the one that I want
You are the one I want
Oo, Oo, Oo, the one that I need
Oh yes indeed


Grease - You're The One That I Want Lyrics

Answry, Your counselor has given up. You don't have to.
Lyrics- Grease/"Hopelessly devoted to you"

Guess mine is not the first heart broken
My eyes are not the first to cry
I'm not the first to know
There's just no getting over you
You know I'm just a fool who's willing
To sit around and wait for you
But, baby, can't you see
There's nothing else for me to do?
I'm hopelessly devoted to you
But now there's nowhere to hide
Since you pushed my love aside
I'm out of my head
Hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you
My head is saying, "Fool, forget him."
My heart is saying, "Don't let go.
Hold on till the end."
And that's what I intend to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you
But now there's nowhere to hide
Since you pushed my love aside
I'm out of my head
Hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you

And finally, ANSWRY, review the movie-"a beautiful mind" with Russell Crowe

That's enough therapy for one day.

Way back when, in a past life, my psychiatrist (when seeing a psychiatrist was fashionable and expensive) said: There are always three choices:
1) Decide yes
2) Decide no
3) Decide to defer the decision to a later time.

Answry, your situation saddens me. Life should not be like that. My first husband and I were married for 15 years. I really don't remember when I became passive and he became controlling. I guess things like which one took care of the writing the bills didn't really matter to me. The selfishness began to be obvious when he said that the way we would do the money is that we would go 50/50 on the bills and then each of us would keep whatever was left of our salaries. That sounds like a good theory, but he was making almost twice as much as I was! As I have discovered on my own, there was no budget structure there either: savings, emergency fund, etc. I have a giving nature, so it made me happy on my payday to buy him some little something or take us out to dinner on me. He used his extra money to buy man toys such as: fishing gear, handmade knives, guns, cameras...all top of the line, some just to hang on the wall. He did take us out to dinner on his payday, but somehow a routine seemed to form. On my night, we had all of the courses and a couple of drinks at a nice restaurant; but, on his night, we only had a main course and a drink or hamburgers. His reason was that he was a little short on money. It didn't take long for me to notice how selfish he was. He bought a riding lawn mower. When I said something about a vacuum cleaner, he said if I could afford one I could have it. I will say that he admired my looks. (Ugh! That was almost 30 years and a lot of eating before now! I am happier now, though.) Our problem was the opposite of yours, Answry. Let's just say that he liked for me to wear less clothes when we went out. I was certainly no prude and he had never complained before, but he started wanting me to dress like Daisy Mae. I had lived in the community for a long time and had a job that involved knowing a lot of people, so I refused to do that. I offered to wear anything or nothing within our home, but not in public! Things got more and more tense between us. There were many other situations like yours when I think he was just angry at himself or just angry and took it out on me. I talked to my doctor, who sent me to a specialist. My husband and I had already tried counseling, but he went to one session and said he didn't need it. I continued for awhile, but I got tired of spending money and time trying to figure out a way to please him. I know, of course, it was because I really did love him. My parents had been married since their teens, and I never thought of divorce happening to me. It is hard to think of being 40 y/o and dividing everything you have worked for, including your home. It is like the death of a relationship. During the week of my 40th birthday, he was out of town. He knew how unhappy and depressed I had been, and he had even tried cheering me up. So, I thought, maybe he will mail me a card? Or send flowers? Or call on the day of my BD? None of those happened. When he returned, he threw a hundred dollar bill on the kitchen bar and said, "That's for your birthday." So, the divorce was my gift to myself on my 40th birthday. It was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I looked around and saw people who had been married 50 or 60 years, but hated each other, and decided I didn't want to be among them. Already long story short, if it hadn't happened, I would have missed out on meeting the kindest, sweetest man I've ever known. I would have missed knowing what true love really is. That was 25 years ago. There are 19 years between our ages. I loved him enough not to care, though. I prayed that God would give us 15 years of good health and happiness. He has given us that plus a bonus! Unfortunately, hubby has had some serious health problems during the past two years. That's for another thread. I am thinking, based on the ages of your children, that you are 40ish or less. You are at a crossroads. One day you will wake up and say it isn't worth doing anything about it and you might as well live with him and stay, or you will get yourself together and rid yourself of someone who is making your life miserable. Do some reading on narcissism and toxic relationships. Only you can make your decision. Whichever it is, stay in touch with the people here and let us know how things are going. I wish you all the wisdom and strength in the world. ProfeChari PS I agree with someone who told you not to confront your husband in anger. It sounds as if he has a lot of anger and frustration built up and you don't know how he might react.

I am sorry about not finishing with an upbeat song. Someone else needs to do that. My post wasn't negative, though, just realistic.

Songs?

First I was afraid, I was petrified
I WILL SURVIVE. Gloria Gaynor

ProfeChari-I am positive that your post-and very real story, was realistic.

Here's the song, by request:
I Will Survive
Gloria Gaynor
Lyrics

At first I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
Without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along
And so you're back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here
With that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
You'd be back to bother me
Go on now go walk out the door
Just turn around now
'Cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love
I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live

I w i l l s u r v i v e !

great choice!

Chiming in with another tune:
"These boots are made for walking
That's what I'm gonna do
La la la la la la la
They're gonna walk ALL OVER YOU".
I can't remember where I wrote la la la.........anyone please?

M88

Are you ready boots?

thanks send.
she sings it / says it kinda quietly...

tan tan, tarara tan tan, tan tan, tarara tan tan!!!

M88

Mulata, you mean the circus theme song? It's "Entry of the Gladiators", is a military march composed in 1897 by the Czech composer Julius Fučík.

I've/we've been trying to discuss this issue again this week. His answer is, "but I've been this way since we've met." My response was, "but never/ever this bad."

DH has medical issues (severe cervical and lumbar stenois) but is not bed bound. Takes narcotic meds like oxycodone and non-narcotic pain medication, flexeril. These things have caused performance issues. I believe the control has kicked up a notch for these reasons.

Anyway, I think I've done all the reassuring that I know how to do. I'm trying to be me and focus elsewhere.

Either way, I will let you all know how things play out this year.

Answry, THIS YEAR??? YEAR???............ a whole year? like the whole of 2016... as in May, June, July, August, Sept. Oct. Nov. Dec., and then??????????????

Was he on those meds when you met him?

Was he at the same dosages?

Is it really true this is how you've known him?

Does that give him permission to..............fill in the blanks, what you told us?

Hmmmm.............................................................

Well..............

M88

Oh My Pam!
You can interpret MY tan tararantantan, with a composer, year and title?????

What about this one: La, lalala, OH OH OH.............

M98........haha 88 fingers not obedient

Amen!

The ties that bind draw tighter still
Love doesn't come and call
Those same ties will eventually kill
My heart my soul my all

Yet will I make those choices? No
Ive grown accustomed to the pain
Should I stay or should I go?
Either answer seems insane

So I do nothing and I die inside
Was this how it was meant to be
When before God the knot we tied
Was it meant to strangle me?

Phoenix.
Wow
Sobering indeed!

M88

Thank You M88 - it just seems to sort of flow out of the pen - sorry if it offended anyone it wasn't intended to

I have not given anything or anyone a date as in we have a year to get it right or else. So that was just hand and mind typing. Right now I am doing the work thing, reading books, exercising, spending more time with the kids, etc. Whatever I can do to get my mind off the situation. If he does not like it than tough. I am not doing anything to disrespect the marriage.

So the lip service has to go.

I have asked him to change this issue and he either does or doesn’t. If he does not, then get someone else to do the prison sentence. However, I believe if you can deal with drinking until you pass out issue (yes this is where we were 20 years ago) than you can deal with this as well. If you can quit smoking real smokes, than you can deal with this as well.

He does not have permission to treat me bad although by not leaving totally out the home, I can see how he and others may think I have given permission. But I refuse to be on the street with my kids. If leaving home is a must I must be able to support us totally on our own and I’m working on that issue as well. And as counselor says, if you jump up and leave you may be losing rights. So talking to an attorney is also another step never done.

Like I said, please keep us in your prayers and thoughts. Divorce is not my first choice but may be the only choice.

Thanks all for posting, be blessed. I appreciate your comments. Off to finish the work week.

Forgot to add, your poems are loading up the front of our icebox.

Profound poem.

A person with the issues of Answry's husband imo, will eventually leave.
Not because of Answry, but because of their own character flaws, their own lack of self-discipline, and because the side effects of medications have changed their brain into a dementia.
My advice, when that time comes, let him leave.
In the meantime, set up your own finances, separately, so you won't be surprised.

Two years-your daughter will be,18.

Send I agree! My dad always said "have some money of your own" and I have always told my daughter this.. too bad alot of my friends never heard it! It's a safety net when needed. And for hubs and I it was a lifeline when a business failed. Nothing like some cash in the bank to give you some self confidence!

Phoenix, you captured how I felt when I knew my marriage was over. My feelings became even darker until after the divorce. My circumstances were a little different than yours, though, Answry. We didn't have children, and I was able to support myself. The court considers your financial situation and having the children, though. You will be granted enough to get another start. Just remember you have options. My heart hurts for you. It is one of the most stressful times of my life. Life is so much better now, so it was worth it for me. God bless you.