This may not be the forum for this but I' have relied on this forum for some time.
I will get straight to the point. If your spouse asks you not to wear makeup, would you not wear makeup? If your spouse asks you not to wear shorts (not talking Daisy Duke type shorts) to work, would you not do so? If your spouse asks you not to speak to other men, would you not do so? If this list keeps going, would you keep going?
I do try to compromise for example with just lipstick, mascara, and nail polish.
If I wear my hair curly one day when I am not with him but then straight the next day I am with him, he says I did not put as much effort in as I did the previous day.
I am so tired of my spouse telling me what he does not like about me. Of course when he is telling me something it comes with anger. My counselor suggests giving up on my marriage after working with me for 6 months. We did a few couple's sessions. I have suggested hubby go back to individual counseling to work on his control and jealously issues in the past. I don't do is against him.
If you want to lose weight, it should be about him. If I want to start looking more attractive, it should be about him.
Answry, hoping I can be more supporting. You said it was making you ill.
Ultimately, my ex became physically abusive towards my daughters, not just me. The police escorted him out. He paid the mortgage until the house was sold.
Going to a lawyer is not throwing in the towel on your marriage. Finding out what your rights are means that you stop looking at this through the lens of "I'm going to be out on the street".
No, he's going to be out of the house if he doesn't mend his ways. And he's going to be ordered to pay for your kids to remain in their home. Puts things in a different light, yes?
My ex had money that, way way after I had signed away all rights , I found out about and it would make your eyes water. Lets put it this way he bought at least one more house and has lived abroad very comfortably for the last 20 years! So caution don't leave until its too late - our divorce was amicable when despite his behaviour with women (and men) (and drink) the fact that I met a man resulted in him divorcing me for adultery. I couldn't prove his behaviour other than hearsay because it happened abroad and no-one would substantiate his behaviour through alcohol because it always happened behind closed doors.
But the thing, with me going on and doing me, I get lip service. See it is the comments like these yes other examples that have just ooooowwww. I just want it to stop but going on and doing me is not working. Sleeping in separate rooms for six months is not working. Guessing duck tape is an option.
If I am on my porch and some male drive up next door, it is why have you not gone inside. Gone inside for what I am sweeping my porch or working on my car. You go inside. So now I am accused of trying to get male attention.
If I am going to church without him, he swears I have put on my Sunday’s best and proceeded to danced in front of the deacon’s bench.
A male classmate saw us in the store one day and proceeded to call my name. My husband gave him such an ugly look that the guy went to explaining and apologizing.
That’s not to mention the affair I am having during my 45-minute drive to work in the next town. This is what he told my then 81-year old dad last year. Dad told me about the conversation and told me he just had to go off a bit telling him he was acting and sounding like a dam fool.
When he feels I am being defiant he goes, something bad is going to happen to you. My comment is it already has, YOU.
I feel like this is such a silly issue to be coming from grown people. I feel so embarrassed to call him my hubby and it has started to overtake the positive in my eyes. I’m embarrassed of me.
Oh I didn’t give him a deadline because you can behave just long enough. At least that is my thinking on the subject.
Illness.
"How loving of him to let you know".
My mom took the mind games and the put downs only so long... she had $$$ in a secret account and planned to divorce him, sick of the alcoholism and adultery.
I was too small then, but my sibling being 6 yrs older HATED MY MOM, for ridding us of such a loser, but sibling loved dad a lot.
Mom was super smart and always fought with him whenever we weren't around. I have no recollection of those fights.
Mom made it ok, brought us up by herself, no alimony, no child support.
She wanted it like that when the divorce papers were signed,
with the stipulation that he was never to look for us... ever.
He was happy as a clam. Never knew him, met him, loved him nor missed him.
I thank mom for thinking ahead and not taking any more humiliation
and mental abuse from my "dad".
M88
M 8 8... miss you!
I told them if I were trying to cheat I would not be telling my spouse of my every move and welcoming him to go to work with me.
They further attacked and told him he needed to go full speed ahead in checking my phones, emails, computer history, etc.
I told my husband if he try to force me to quit my job among everything else that we sure enough would be done and done for good. I demanded that he defend my honor and he did respond back to them.
This is where we are. It has been a roller coaster month. So stressful Saturday that I thought I would need to be taken to emergency room my pressure had went so high. That’s when they started that crap of telling him to force my hand.
NOTHING...........
Wait, and IF YOU MUST tell him where you are going, and if you feel you HAVE to be brutally honest, tell him THE DAY OF the appointment.
If you could go to 2 places, to make it 100% legitimate and you dont wanna fib, then tell him you're going to XYZ place. And leave the atty.'s appointment off the conversation...................................That is what I think................................
Oh man, things get so awfully convoluted and I hate the feeling of a pit in my stomach when sorting things out, whilst having troubles. Stay calm, take care of YOUR HEALTH, take your daily vitamins, do whatever needed to stay level headed. You'll need that.
M 8 8
Angel
this quote from your post :They further attacked and told him he needed to go full speed ahead in checking my phones, emails, computer history, etc.:
When people accuse you of cheating/lying etc when you are not...its usually THEY that are the cheaters and liars...it's called projection. That forum obviously supports abusive people.
Angel
I don't want to end my marriage still but am ready to do a big kick in the butt to say I mean business. Change or go.
I'm sorry, I've only just caught on to this thread - is there anything to be done about your husband's quite advanced anxiety issues? Apart from your getting out of there, I mean, which I certainly agree you should do even if only as a safety measure. It sounds as though he really is going a bit nuts. And D*MN those trolls! - what can they have done for the man's peace of mind, for heaven's sake?
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Stay in close touch, won't you?
Removed the door to your room? That's not physical?
Ha, Ha.
And let me tell you something from personal experience. A good, mediator- friendly divorce lawyer in NYC costs about $250. Per hour. That sounds expensive. But you ask how many hours this should take, in terms of billable hours. Maybe 3 or 4?
You have separated your money, haven't you?
You have a right to feel safe in your own home. Not having the ability to have privacy in your home is abuse, pure and simple.
Contact the ACLU if you have to. This is a CIVIL right.
So the police said "not domestic". Did you ask them what category they would report it under?
It's an implied threat of physical violence.
I understand you are conflicted.
1) That other website: The crazies there are listening too closely to country music and believing it, "Oh Ruby, don't take your love to town". Or they are part of a religious cult.
2) Your husband is a member?
3) You are/were a member and due to "Stockholm Syndrome" are also afraid to leave?
4) You are working? Start a savings plan at work, have the deductions taken from your paycheck, bring home less, as if at this late date you would actually hand him your paycheck.
5) If divorce is against what you believe, it's a free country, live apart.
6) You may need to learn to withold information from him. Or, lie to save your life?
7) The police were wrong, where do you live, is the whole town a member of this same cult?
8) There are domestic abuse support meetings and classes so you can learn what you are up against. Do not, imo, leave him without that information.
What have you been doing this past year?
You don't have to have a domestic violence report to get a divorce.
If you want to feel safe, secure and non-threatened, you have the right to those.
If having those means leaving, then you leave.
The officer did tell me what category (disturbance maybe). I guess I just blanked out. Don’t know after he spoke to spouse (month later from door incident).
I guess I’ve never thought about being on my own again. That is scary but I have been trying to be brave this year. I am afraid to finish off the family but hoped filing for divorce or separation would bring change. Not going to be any paycheck being handed over. I have been fighting to bring peace to the home (trying to stand my ground) and he is fighting back. You know I’m the boss and you ask me for forgiveness.
Divorce is not against my belief. These accusations and landmines, I am against but I can’t get them to stop. A few days good than bam. A few months good than bam.
I have been trying to go on with my life. Been trying to dress and eat better. Started working out at home since he was against us joining gym. Yes I did it again. If you can afford a gym membership than you can do XYZ so I did a bike and weights at home. Daughter and I trying to lose some pounds. I have gone out of town with a girlfriend for the first time in forever. Been going to a few events with the children. They always invite dad and I go along for their sake and guess in a way for mine. Feel if I say no, I will look like the bad guy.
I’ve been doing some home repairs like panting. Trying to take care of my own car but it is met with I’m trying to take things away from him. Reading so much that my eyes should have fallen out by now.
I have the kids starting with therapy this week and he is suspicious of that and tried to get the counselor on me right away as the destroyer of the family.
Right now I have been trying to do the take me as I am or *** you. Although I'm still trying to be respectful.
It doesn’t matter with the police. However, I had read up on order of protection since I can’t just put him out according to first two attorneys. After legal aid told me no, I went to courthouse and they said no physical abuse nothing they could do. Went to police station and they could only give me 7 to 10 days and referred me back to divorce. I had not thought of mediator.
Your husband is mentally ill and will not/ cannot change. His children love him and you love him, but you will never get the love, approval and affection that you seek from him.
I think either you have to say to yourself " this is who he is. I love him in spite of that and will learn to ignore his insults, threats and tants", or you say "enough" and leave.
The only one who you can change is you.
I don't remember all the right satements, but your new attitude goes something kike this:
Why am I dressing up to go out? Because I am trying really hard to make you look good, honey.
Am I having an affair? That's right, dear, do you want to meet me in the hotel bar afterwards?
Why are you wearing that? Thanks for the heads up..You are right, looks shabby, I am going out right now to get a better, more expensive outfit. Hey kids, do you want to come with to shop for new clothes?
Okay, get the picture?
A divorce is serious, and should never be used as a means to get a spouse to change, imo.
If that is your true motive, I suggest trying more therapy before deciding on divorce as the final answer. Keeping in mind that your children, if young enough, will be required to visit with the man you are trying to leave. They will be at his house, his rules.
For that circumstance, I don't have a solution.
Sorry, this is not meant to stop you from a divorce, and seeking the path most propitious to you. Not a guilt trip, but something to consider about the children in a divorce.
I am sure once you are free to be healthy, that too will benefit the kids greatly.
Best wishes and encouragement for you!
Change the password.
This is about control and power. The way it was explained to me, my husband regarded me as though I was part of his person, and if he couldn't control me, it was as though he had no control of his right arm or his eyes.
That feeling of loss of control ( of the other) leads to anxiety, agitation, rage and sometimes violence.
This is not something that a few sessions of counselling is going to fix. This is part of the structure of his personality.
It's been interesting to watch my ex-husband's second marriage. He is still controlling, still blames her ( as he did me) when a pipe breaks or the car won't start or when he's anxious about something. I've seen it send her into tears. But mostly she just says "don't talk to me that way" and turns and walks away.
Can you do that?
This is called "coercive control." It is becoming more widely recognised as abuse in itself, and more to the point the precursor to seriously dangerous situations.
Do you have any compelling reasons for wanting to stick this marriage out any longer? Do you have anywhere to go?