I keep reading about people experiencing guilt for their feelings of missing their own lives while they shoulder the responsibility for mom or dad. I just wanted to say that it is because we are that Watchdog or Hyper Vigilant type of person that cares for others to whom these feelings of guilt come. Most people don’t experience those feelings, not in the same sense. What I’ve seen is that most kids run away when dad or mom needs care… and there’s one that’s primarily “stuck.” Because we think we should always be loving and supportive but yet we feel stuck or bitter or resentful, we start feeling guilty. We shouldn’t. We are doing the emotionally impossible job of unselfishly giving up our own lives for someone else’s, and many times it’s after we already gave up our own lives to raise kids. Now we’re supposed to be retired and enjoying our lives but we can’t because we’re doing the difficult job of caring for a person who needs, needs, needs so much of everything …physically and emotionally. What is unfair about feeling guilty about sometimes resenting that? That’s a normal human emotion when we have to put our own needs and wants on the back burner. I think we need to focus on the fact that we’re doing it, and not on the fact of how our interior mindset is telling us that we don’t want to do it. Of course not. No one wants to go to work, but you do it to earn money. No one wants to give up their retirement to take care of someone else, but you’re doing it out of love even if it doesn’t feel that way every day or even ever. The fact is that you’re doing it, so we have to stop trying to feel guilty about wishing we had our own lives back. This is especially true when you’re taking care of a narcissistic elderly person that is ungrateful. So if you harbor thoughts that tell you you really dislike, or even hate, doing this and you really want your life back, don’t be so hard on yourself. The old adage – actions speak louder than words - is never truer than in this situation we find ourselves in. And I just want to send hugs and blessings and big smiles of gratitude to those who are doing this overwhelmingly difficult job. You’re awesome!
I hope you get the respite you need. Totally normal to feel depleted and frustrated but if it's most of the time, or you feel resentment for it....you need to tell a professional. They might even be able to point you in a direction to get help with your loved one to lift some of the burden. You can even call social services and tell them you feel "at the end of your rope" and they will send people out to help you help them. But feeling resentful and bitter (more than a passing moment) is a major red flag that that caretaker-dependent relationship is not healthy and worn work out. I know some don't have options but most people don't understand how many affordable and/or government funded options are out there that are safe and beneficial.
Better than feeling guilty for abusing/neglecting a loved one. It's not the same as having a child that depends on you wholly with no other options (most times), and even then some people send special needs kids away if they can't handle the taxing demands of it. Better than letting it all go too far in a negative way.
Best wishes to you. God bless.
Much appreciation to your "shout out"...which was truly much more than just that - yours is the kind of encouraging message that is re-read many times.
Wishing you many Blessings :-)
those hard decisions that you know are right for them. That is where I failed. I let it bother me so bad, that I beat myself up worrying about how they felt instead of what was right for them.