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He had surgery on his ankle and is non weight bearing for three months. He has lost 25 lbs and the Drs. are worried about the cancer. Her comment...well he was a drunk and only ate junk food. Also I said I was proud of how hard he is working on his ankle rehab and she says well he is lazy and he has to. I give up..ready to cut all communication.

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awww I'm sorry. I don't have any answer - but I think you should support your husband.
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Does she absolutely have to live with you? She certainly doesn't deserve to with such negativity. Could you research other options and put you and your husband first.
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If a senior is unusually cruel and offensive, I try to look as to why. Sometimes, they have cognitive decline that causes them to say outrageous things. They can't help it, so, I ignore it. If it's not that, then, has she always been that way? If so, I'd also try to ignore it. People rarely change as they age and if they were always caustic and rude, then, they usually stay that way or get worse. I'd try to focus on more positive people and not hold her to a high standard.
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So sad that you are already suffering with your husband struggling with cancer, plus an aging mother. It’s perfectly normal to be upset. I get upset over hurtful situations. I even had a therapist tell me once that it was normal to get upset and it was okay to be angry. We just can’t get stuck in anger. Very frustrating when we are hurt by others.

My mom is 93, she was understanding when my husband had surgery. I can’t imagine how bad it would make me feel if she hadn’t been. I’d get upset too. Feel the pain, then move forward.
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She is in an assisted living facility and is all about her..the classic narciscist
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Since she thankfully is in AL you can choose when you feel up to dealing with her. I would hate the behavior. This might make it a little easier than outright hating your mother although I certainly understand the feelings as I have had them also. Is she continues to be cruel and negative then I would communicate to her that you have no place for that in your life. It will be up to her as to the future. I think there are complaints about facilities often because the person feels loss of control and lashes out. We could opt to lash out during frustrating times yet most likely hold back as we are the ones who know the responsibility and also know there is no other source for it.
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Drezaczech, I ran into this with my mom with some of DH's health situations. I think she was jealous of the attention and time (mine) going to him. Yes, it was hurtful and all, but I knew she wasn't about to change and be supportive. So I stopped giving any details or information. If she didn't ask, I didn't bring it up. If a comment was made, I moved the conversation to a topic I knew she jump on. I didn't exactly ignore her comments, I reduced the opportunities for the comments in the first place. It really did help me deal with it.
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If she is chronically nasty and has always been this way---just decide how much of this negativity you're willing to put up with.

And then when she broaches the boundaries--you walk away.

Your first care is for your hubby.

(I have a slightly similar situation: My MIL hates me profoundly and does whatever she can to kibosh anything DH and I plan--like calling him on my birthday and keeping him all day at her place, fixing myriad little things--full well knowing it's my birthday and she's ruining it.)

In my case, Dh has never chosen to stand up for me or tell her that I come first. All I want is ONCE, ONCE for him to tell her that he chooses me over her.

Luckily, she's pretty much a recluse and the problem has pretty much disappeared when she kind of pulled into herself 24/7. We don't have a lot of drama anymore and I won't see her, period.
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Like said, you don't have to visit. I have my cell phone set so if you r not on my contact list the call goes to VM. Then u answer it when u want. If Mom being nasty, delete. If u have caller ID don't answer. Let it go to VM and delete.

TG I never had narcissistic parents. You need to take care of husband. Don't talk about him to her. If she asks keep it short. If she starts, leave. She is safe and cared for.
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If your mother is in a safe place, and being cared for, you have no obligation to have any contact with her, other than what you choose to have.  I'd make husband a topic that was off limits and leave or hang up if she violated that.  He comes first and frankly it sounds like he appreciates what you do, whereas mom depletes you.
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Drez - the title of your post caught my eye. Hateful words said to us, hateful behaviors done to us, hateful energy directed toward us tends to generate those feelings with everyone. As passive as it may sound to such aggressive energies, try not to take on any of it. It is poison. For my two cents, let your mom be cared for by those who are being paid to do it, and step back. Focus your thoughts and energy in your husband and your life together. We don't owe our parents permission to mistreat us.
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This is the whole point of AL. She is in a safe place and cared for. You don't have to visit. When visiting is a chore, why bother. You should want to visit. But if she makes it so unpleasant, then don't. And if she asks why tell her the truth. My grandmother was like this and could not understand why people stayed away. She blamed it on being old. I was a kid but I wished one of the adults would man up and just tell her that her negative behavior was too exhausting.


My father is not nasty but he is self absorbed and his favorite topic is his bowel movements. My visits are very short and spaced far apart.
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So very sad when they attack your loved ones. After much research on narcissistic families I’ve learned so much I only wish I discovered this 20 yesrs ago if not when I was a teenager and could have been removed from the home. They want to continue to own you and are jealous of the life you’ve made for yourself along with your loved ones. It’s not normal and it shouldn’t be this way but this is what we have to wake up to. They are not the judge of you or your family it’s none of their business. I had to go go no contact with my mother after the passing of my father. Stay strong and do what’s best for you and your husband.
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The ladies on this forum taught me how to do exactly what you are asking 6 years ago: Limit time - make the visits short. Boundaries - when she starts being ugly, just put down what you are doing and say, Gotta go! and leave. Don't explain, don't teach her a lesson, just go.

Finally, I think they all are right about not talking about your husband to her. This was not my problem as mthr loved my husband and hated me. I've learned something called the gray rock technique: you give as much interest as a gray rock! When asked, pick one: repeat ad nauseam. Eh, he's ok. Nothin' much. Fine. Boring, right? That's the point, like a gray rock.

When I realized I was trying to feed mthr gossip just to have something to say, I also saw she was still in my head in that way. If I have to gossip to have something to say, it's time to go. It's all gray rock stuff now.
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Been there. My Dad never has a nice word to say about my wife. All because she won't jump to his tune and he thinks he can comment about it.

I've had many argument with him about it and told him to keep his opinions to himself.
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Walk away. I didn't talk to my mom most of the last 2 years of her life and the last words we had were when she called me asking for laxatives four days after accusing me of stealing from her. I told her to not call me again. You'd think I would feel guilty since she died three days later, but I don't. Enough is enough. No one has a right to treat people that way. <3
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