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< venting alert >
Only 7 weeks left to pack 44+ years of a 3 bedroom house solo, find a place to move to with extremely limited funds, etc etc and my mother is in full swing trying to make everything not doable. Today,
during our daily reminder session about why she needs to get up to get ice herself, etal, mom suddenly “had shortness of breath” and I needed to do something or all someone drama started. Instead of getting upset or raising my voice, I took a deep breath, said nothing and my nose started gushing blood so much that I was also spitting out mouthfuls of blood simultaneously into the trash can. Mom asked if I could get a bag of ice to put on my face to stop bleeding; (of course she sure as hell couldnt get one for me);I didn’t even bother to entertain her with an answer. I noticed that her shortness of breath miraculously went away as I sat there spewing blood, it of course when my bleeding finally stopped she couldn’t catch her breath again. I said to her “ this is my body mind and entire being telling me it’s had enough, that I am beyond stressed out and that if I don’t get things under control it will not be good”. She sat there agreeing with me told me she could clearly see how much stress I am under and that it caused my bloody nose and she went right back to pushing my buttons. What the hell is wrong with her? She does not have dementia or anything, her faculties are fine so why would somebody deliberately pick pick pick at another person every damn day? Why? I do not understand this.
I ended up dropping her off at the er and when I went to park the car, I kept going and I was finally able to start sorting and packing up the house.
ok, I’m done. Thanks for letting me vent.
xoxoxo
susan

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Why do you think that your mom doesnt have dementia?

Has she ever had a neuropsych exam?

Does she have narcissistic tendencies, i.e., it's always about HER, all the time?

In the past, it has been suggested here that you step back and find yourself a place to live, away from her drama. You keep saying you must deal with the house first.

I think you need to listen to your body, or there won't be anyone to advocate for mom when she needs it.

Move out. Your mother and brother created this mess. Let them solve it.
(7)
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Vent away.

When your body starts turning on itself--it's past time to make some huge decisions.

You dropped mom off at the ER? Why? YOU should be the one in there.
Are you moving in together? Omgosh---I hope not.

All I can say is: you need to get away from her. She is not going to change!! It has only taken me 64 years to realize my mom is NUTS. Not demented, not 'out of it' not 'impaired'...just nuts.

Best thing that happened to me was getting cancer last year and NOT being allowed to go into her hoarded, bird dropping covered apartment. Chemo makes you so sick--but I got an 8 month reprieve from my crazy mother.

Please get some help for yourself...please. And I hope and pray you are not moving in with her---you're breaking my heart.

{{HUGS}} because you really, really need them.
(3)
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My word! Enough is enough. I'm sorry you went through that. I don't understand how she could see you suffering and STILL push your buttons. That is just crazy! I agree with Barb. Let them deal with it all. You have done enough. You don't deserve this. Midkid is exactly right, you need to start looking out for yourself.

Best wishes to you.
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How could she do this - because she is not mentally/emotionally healthy. Please get checked out by your doctor. Your health is suffering from the stress of your situation. There comes a time to put your needs first and that time is past.

Please don't try to understand your mother. I doubt you ever will. Just accept that she is not mentally/emotionally healthy and you need to protect yourself from her and look after your own welfare.
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I've been asking What the Hell is Wrong With my Mother for the past 60+ years. I've come up with a whole bunch of diagnoses but in the end, it doesn't really matter. All that matters is that I figure out a way to STOP dwelling on What the Hell is Wrong With my Mother or else I will be the one to die before she does. And she's 93 and going strong after 41+ falls, a stroke, a bunch of hospitalizations, dozens of trips the ER, 3 bouts of pneumonia, and too many other issues to list here. But she lives in Memory Care, at least, so I'm not faced with her issues 24/7, thank God, and can let others handle the drama she creates.

Hopefully, your mother is also being placed somewhere that is NOT inside of your home so that you can escape the self-inflicted drama she creates. Otherwise, it's anyone's guess as to who will go first. Women like this tend to live to 100 or 102, while their victims die young.

Don't ALLOW yourself to become a statistic, okay?
(5)
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Thank you all for your replies and support. I am actively looking for a job amid this other not-my-mess I’m stuck into doing, for now. I have a wwyd (what would you do) scenario I would appreciate input about:
if you were in a toxic caregiver role that you must resign from however, you do not have any other place to live and no money to move out; you recently were appointed poa for the person you’re caring for, however you know it is both of your best interests to sever the caregiver care recipient relationship; you don’t receive any financial compensation for the 24/7 care you provide however, the recipient has just received a small sum of cash from selling her house that you made possible instead of her home being foreclosed on; how would you go about legally and morally proceeding with severing the caregiving role for the sake of both of you if the only way you could financially do so would be by compensation or gifting from the recipient? If that is even possible.
xoxoxo
susan
(1)
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Hello e1-
never mind myWWYD scenario feedback request; 1) I went to ‘topics’ and found out specific do and do not’s for POAs, 2) nobody, including myself, should cut off their noses... answering my scenario. I apologize to all of you for not thinking it all the way through before requesting input.
Back when I was 18, my first boss used to say to me, “you see the forest but you don’t see the trees” and I didn’t understand what he meant. He would be glad to know that since then, I have gained full understanding!
xoxoxo
susan
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Take the money she got from the sale of the home and move her into a nice senior apartment. Resign as POA - just send a certified letter to her. Pack your stuff and go!
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I agree with Lealonnie. There is no figuring someone’s behavior out. We are not professional psychiatrists. Leave the analysis to the professionals.

All we know is that their behavior is ‘off.’ Yes, we can have theories but working on a solution is more important.

Our response can be to walk away or find help for them, then limit our contact or no contact with them.
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