This is not so much a question per se, but more so of a discussion. I feel like a lot of people on this forum, (and in general) think of caregiving as an act of love but also something that causes a lot of stress and anxiety, which a lot of times, it does. But for some people, particularly older caregivers, being a caregiver is what keeps them going, and when the caregivee (if that's even a word) passes away, the now former caregiver starts declining too. A good example of this is my now former neighbor and good friend who I will call Bettie. Bettie and her mom (who I will call Vera) lived next door to me for about 20 years until Vera passed away 2 years ago at the age of 99. Vera had dementia and heart failure and was 100% dependent on Bettie for about the last 3 years of her life. Bettie, who had previously loved to golf and go out and do her own thing, couldn't leave Vera alone for more than 30 minutes. To make things worse, Vera's dementia caused her to become verbally abusive to Bettie at times. When Vera passed away, I knew it would be sad, but I figured Bettie would breath a sigh of relief and go back to doing what she did before becoming a caregiver; golfing and doing her own thing. But that's not what happened at all. The day Vera passed away, it was like Bettie literally aged 15 years over night. Within just a few months of Vera's passing, Bettie herself started having memory problems. She is now 78 years old and living in a nursing and doesn't know who anybody is most days. Just two and a half years ago, she was managing all of her mother's care and medication. I wonder if this is a common phenomenon?
I DO think it takes time to adjust, as we as human beings are much more driven by habit than we realize. So we can be busy and overwhelmed, and when that is suddenly removed we kind of stand in the middle of the room wondering what to do. Some of us need help to branch out again, to move out into the world, which now looks like a bit of an agorophobia salad.
I think on Forum we have seen all kinds of reactions. The one thing that is certain is that a person who has participated in the decline of a loved one, and the death of same, is permanently changed, whether they did hands on care, managed some finances and placement, or participated very little at all. The loss of our parents, of our siblings, has a profound affect.
For my own case, I had a brother in mid 80s get diagnosed with probable early Lewy's. He had been Hansel to my Gretel in every dark wood of my life, and I his "little sister", 7 years younger. Doing the financial management of his life until he died was a journey for me, from profound anxiety and terror, to learning. But the loss of HIM was the major life changing loss.
I think how we manage the loss of those we love, no matter the caregiving, depends much on how we managed our lives before the events. We HAVE seen some do an incredible nosedive from which they have a terrible time recovering, and often need the psychological support and help available (though at a cost).
I think your question will find us all over the map, and if you read a lot on forum you will bear witness to that.
Thanks for the interesting question and I hope admins move it to "discussions" where I always think things last a lot longer when they are general questions.
My mother is 98 in AL, my stepmother is 85 in MC, they both may outlive me.
Of course it won't play like that, not right away at least. First we will have to deal with the loss of our son. As my husband points out, the end of this caregiving comes with sorrow from the loss and the joy of being reunited.
I have to believe we will be okay eventually. I worry more about my youngest sister who has given up a lot of her own life to be my mom's number one caregiver. She got "sucked in" gradually and has begun to express frustration with her life. She works, has her own home and an adult child living at home. The rest of us were able to pressure Mom into a 24/7 professional caregiver a few months back. Sister hasn't dated in years, I'm surprised it took this long for her to feel the resentment.
Since my parents had passed in their mid to late 90's, my traveling is going to the grocery store for curbside pickup.... walking is going to the mailbox at the end of the driveway.... dining out is carry-out, etc. Taking care of my parents put a toll on my physical well-being, just don't have the energy and gained too much weight [and here I was a gym rat for about 20 years prior to helping my parents]..... [sigh]. Oh, I kept my job while helping my folks, it gave me sanity.