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I saw a woman crying today at the Assisted Living facility where my mother lives. She was being comforted by staff because her mother just died. Once again I was confronted with my lack of love for my own mother. I have helped her for 18 years doing increasing levels of care until she moved to AL over a year ago. I still visit regularly, pay her bills, get her sundries, clothes, go to appointments. I strive for patience. Resist manipulation and I lie a lot. The biggest lie is saying I love her. I feel compassion, responsibility, duty. That's as good as it gets. Or ever will.

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Thank you for this perspective.
(11)
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I could have written this post. Recently, I heard a woman during Sunday school class talking about her father who was very ill. She spoke with such love and concern and I just marvelled at her. I remember a time when I loved my mother fiercely and I recall driving home from college as a freshman when I could hardly wait to see her. I don't know when my feelings toward her changed, but what you stated describes my feelings also. My mother has suffered with manic depression (bipolar nowadays) and after more hospitalizations and episodes than I can count, I believe my emotions toward her have been numbed. Years ago, as she needed more care, I asked God to fill my heart with love for her, to help me see her as He did. Did I get the warm fuzzies? No, but I have moments when I do remember the love and I recognize how funny she is when she is mentally well. Responsibility, compassion, duty. You know, those are not bad attitudes to have toward our fellow man. I tell you this, Rosyday, I know I will cry when my mother dies as well as feel a sense of relief because she has suffered so much throughout her life. I would not be surprised if you cry too. 
(35)
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Dear Rosyday,

You are a good daughter. After so many years of responsibility, duty and care there is also a lot of anger and resentment and that can dampen any feelings of love. It is so hard.

We never said "I love you" or "I care about you" or even asked "How are you feeling?" in my family. I think your actions do convey love. In my mind actions speak louder than words.
(27)
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Compassion, duty, responsibility. Those are good things, aren't they? I'm not sure what meaning love has if it doesn't produce them when they're needed, anyway.

Do you feel you're missing something?
(12)
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You aren't alone, Rosyday. My stepmother and I always had a fraught relationship. She married my dad when I was 11 and she resented any time or money he spent on me. I never would have believed that 50 years later I'd be responsible for her.

Before my dad passed away he asked me to promise that I would be sure she was taken care of. I was also given power of attorney over all their affairs. He wanted me to promise that I'd always keep her at home but I told him that I couldn't promise that because of her dementia.

She hasn't recognized me for over a year. I visit her in the NH 3 or 4 times a week, do her laundry, and make sure that the staff are meeting her needs. I do this out of love for my dad and compassion for her as a human being.
(19)
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Oh lord, I know what you mean!

My mom certainly cared for her mother out of a sense of duty, and not the kind of love (the kind that produces copious weeping at death) that you mean.

I wept when my mother died, but mostly from relief that her long ordeal was over.

I am trying, almost 4 months later, to capture some of the good moments that mom and I had in my childhood. I didn't have a bad childhood, just not a particularly joyful one.

My heart goes out to you.
(22)
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Thank you everyone. It is sometimes hard when people assume you feel what they do. I did love my father and my heart broke when he died. I don't know if I ever loved my mother. Our relationship was so difficult and required me to constantly lie or hide the truth to keep the peace. Even about trivial matters, I lied. "Yes, mother you are right. Blue is my favorite color. Not green. I'm sorry I ever said I liked green."I don't think it's possible to love without ever being truthful. That she is broken allows compassion. That she tried so hard to break me, stops love.
(25)
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I think there are a lot of us out there that feel like you do. I know I do.
(21)
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Yup, me too. My mother was not physically or verbally demonstrative in the love category and she fits all the criteria for being narcissistic.
I was an "oops" baby. Mom and dad both drank too much, dad remained an alcoholic til he died, mom quit in her late 60's.

It "pains" me to have to hug her and kissing her makes me shudder. I feel weird and sick.
I'm her only kid (fancy that) and, thus, I have a responsibility no one else can fill. Her last husband died 30 years ago. Her bros and sisters are near her age (94).
You and I are doing our best. We visit and make sure all the responsibilities are taken care of. We pay the bills and bring little goodies.
This is all I can do. I tried to take care of her in my home and it didn't work out.
I don't hate her, I just don't feel the motherly love I've seen some girls have with their mothers. I'd even settle for a "girlfriend" relationship but it wasn't meant to be.

I wanted so much to change history when I had my son. I hugged and kissed him a lot, very loving and hands on. He's 28 and doesn't want a relationship with me. It really hurts, especially since I WAS NOT at all like my mother. Oh well.

Please don't feel bad for what it is. There is a reason you feel this way and are giving her everything she needs.
Not  everyone was born with a perfect mother.
(18)
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My sister and I have always had a weird relationship. I have never known why; something happened before I was born. She is 18 years my senior. Now she is in the early stages of dementia and I am the only one left to look out for her. She is in an assisted living facility. We never visited much; she never visited me and I would go see her about twice a year. But now I feel if I don't go see her, no one else will. Right now I am her POA and try to handle her affairs, but I feel that I am going to be running out of steam real soon so far as going to see her, especially now that it is getting cold. I do try to call her every few days but she never has really talked to me on the phone and now is no different. I know I just need to persevere but I just needed to vent a little. I say all that to say, I can definitely relate.
(20)
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Rosyday - thanks for your honesty.
I think I started out with some feelings of fondness (love would be a stretch) for my mom when her Alzheimer's was diagnosed. But almost three years into being primary caregiver I do what I have to do and don't spend time analyzing my motives. I have sisters who will gladly do that for me.
The change in dynamics so that I'm now parenting my mother has transformed that initial fondness to being protective of her well being and advocating for proper care. And that's all I can muster given the shredder of emotions that Alzheimer's is on a daily basis.
(14)
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The caretaking role and the necessity to detach destroyed any tender feelings I once had for my mother. The progression of her mental illness and now dementia have twisted her into something unrecognizable. My feelings are blunted so much, I feel like I've lost much of my humanity. Grief and pity are no substitute for love. Though I hate to admit it, I too care for my mother out of a sense of duty.
(19)
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WOW. You have put in words that I could never really admit. My father and sister passed and then I became the caregiver for my Mom. We were lucky enough to have help but I resented the fact that I was left and had to deal with my narcissistic Mom. Did it for the passed 7 years traveling from NJ to NY. It was tough and we had our differences. I felt all I said was "yes, Mom, yes Mom" just so she wouldn't exhaust me. My Mom died this passed June. I was their and I have no regrets. I have learned from her mistakes, but also realized she showed her love the way she was capable of. I do miss her but know she is watching over me. You are not alone. Reach out for help when you can. Thank you for being so candied and have no regrets on your decisions.
(15)
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Rosyday - Thank you for you honesty. I know exactly what you mean. I used to feel love for my mother (hugging and kissing), but now I had to lie when she asked me if I loved her. Thank goodness she hasn't asked that again.
She burdens me so much that I feel resentment towards her for making my life miserable. I am taking care of her out of duty only.
(17)
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SueC1957 - I am so sorry your son doesn't want a relationship with you. It must hurt a lot. My best friend's son did the same to her despite her being a good mother to him, She cried and tried reaching out to him many times, but he wouldn't respond. His rejection left a hole in her heart.
(10)
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I'm taking care of my 83 years old husband. He's been going down hill since 2014. ( I'm 70 years old but still strong and active) He had a Heart attack in 2014, Prostate Cancer Stage IV M1a in 2015, an Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm in Feb. of this year. Memory loss, has a hard time walking and now refuses to take his meds and see his doctors and all of us are struggling to get him to behave himself.

When he first got sick in 2014 I was very kind to him and compassionate, but then it was one illness after another. Doctor appointments, Hospital Stays, Pet Scans, MRI', EKG's, you name it, he had test for that, several times a week, and then one day I finally realized I was totally burned out. I hated him. Yet I loved him. But the sicker he became the more I hated it. I couldn't carry on a conversation with him anymore because he hadn't a memory to carry on a conversation, and I was frustrated and lonely and bored and wanted to run away. I still want to run away.

It if wasn't for God in my life, and me praying for forgiveness and strength and courage to carry on, I would be a basket case right now. Well...maybe I am a basket case, but God brings me peace and I know that this is what I have to do. It is the right thing to do, even though I want to run away very badly.

I also went through this when my mother passed away.

But you know what? I think this is a way that God helps us deal with the death of a loved one or friend. It gives us time to prepare for it. It gives a time to be brave, strong by hardening our hearts in order to face what is to come, ultimately our loved one's death. By us being strong, and perhaps seeming uncaring, really helps our loved one get through the dying process, because they know we are there for them, no matter what. They feel safe with us. Then, when it's over, we feel relieved, not just for them, but for us too, and it's at this time that all the emotions we bottled up inside of us spills out. We cry because it's finally over. We are relieved of all that stress. We cry because we wished we could have been better, showed more love, and then we cry because we know we will never see them again on this earth. And all that bitterness for having to be "stuck" with it all, turns into loving memories of them. Because time heals all wounds, right? And pretty soon we no longer remember the awfulness of it all, but only remember them with love.

Nancy N.
(15)
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Rosyday, you are among many who care for family members out of a sense of duty and what their loving and giving hearts compel them to do. I've been the parent to my narcissistic mother and alcoholic father (who died years ago) since childhood. Looking back, I can see how my mother groomed me to seek and act on her approval. Out of duty, expectation, and love, I cared for my aunts and now my mother. It was easier when my aunts were still live, because they were like mothers to me, loving and appreciative. Now it's my mother, who doesn't see me as a person ("I love you for all you do for me" was a recent statement). However, I could never abandon her because of my own sense of duty, not because she ever showed love or did anything for me unless it had something to do with her. My mother is the most draining person and has no one left but me, her only child, to take care of her. Thankfully, by her own choice, she lives independently in a nearby apartment. A wise friend told me long ago to accept what and how she can "love" me, and there will be no regrets when she passes. A sense of relief, but definitely no regrets. Having a strong support system (family, friends, doctors, senior social workers, etc.), knowing how to anticipate manipulation and the person's "modus operandi", setting boundaries, having a sense of humor, and being true to oneself is vital. I pray for people dealing with a person in this situation, and to find a way to maintain their lives so they can come out of it intact as an individual and able to move forward.
(10)
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Everyone's comments have come at a perfect time for me. I have moved into my father's home and left my life to take care of him. He lives 700 miles away. I am doing this now out of duty. I pray for strength and patience for all of us. Between his health issues and the dementia at 94 I feel that I can't go on most days. Demonstrative personality ,his accusations, he says I am stealing, really I believe his demeanor is just enhanced by dementia. Sad that I couldn't establish a real relationship with him before he passes. He reduces me to being a ten year old still.regret promising my sister that I would take care of him. At least I have comfort that I am not alone. Thank you
(15)
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Rosyday, you have my sympathy and empathy. Do not feel guilty. There are so many walking in your shoes. I feel like no more than an employee for my mother: chauffeur, errand girl, cook, shopper, listening board, computer/security camera technician, and repair coordinator. Mother is a manipulative martyr. My only sibling and I wonder why she even had children, as she spent all her loving and pleasant interactions on her school children who adore her to this day. As her health and my sister's health have significantly deteriorated, I gave up my career (and income) to be a caregiver. Hugging and kissing my mother is like doing it to a wall. But she can turn on the loving charm with friends, former students, neighbors, physicians and nurses, investors, her attorney, just like flipping a light switch--they don't know her at home. I push myself to help my mother, my husband helps when he can, and I allow myself space and "me time" away from her. Tough when the search for reliable housekeepers and paid caregivers to give relief has yielded terrible results for her and other ill/elderly family members in this very rural setting. Services for hire that exist in cities are not available here, unfortunately. I wish you strength and good health.
(14)
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It is hard when the person you are caring for didn’t give you a healthy relationship with them growing up. Often, as my therapist told me, they want you to suffer along with them. And that is a root cause for their actions towards us. It is ok not to have these strong feelings of love when you weren’t parented lovingly. Start by understanding that and forgive yourself that you are not wrong for feeling this way. A friend of mine cared for her demented mother who abused her both physically and verbally when she was a child. She recognized her mother as a sufferer even then. She was able to care for her by thinking of her as mother Theresa would. Now that’s pretty amazing to me as I’m not there. But when we can detach from them as not having been a good parent and look at then through the eyes as they are another human being and that we are vessels of compassion. If you believe in Jesus...then you can say I am the hands and feet of Jesus. It takes a lot of detachment to do that and self care and in my case talk therapy and reading. It is not easy. But it has helped me. All of us are walking a difficult journey. This group is caring and helpful!! Bless you all.
(13)
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I think we, as caregivers, have to let go of the mom fairytale. My mom wasn't perfect before alzheimers, and I don't care for her out of a deep, unabiding love; the care comes from the reality of the situation. Our sense of responsibility is admirable - but that same sense of responsibility has to extend to our own mental health. Let's not waste our precious energy on guilt. It won't change a thing.
(12)
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count me as one more who 'could have written this'. i am compelled to cite - and thank - some commenter's:
Treeartist: yes, i will cry. oddly, i still haven't for my father, who passed 2 yrs ago. he knew i loved him, identified with him, so in some weird way my heart didn't need to cry. but i predict crying when mom passes - out of some guilt for this feeling of obligation???
SueC: yeah, the relationship just was never there...altho i and my 3 sisters all do agree on one negative part of her personality, there was no actual mistreatment, just not the chemistry
madzeena: "...all [we] can muster given the shredder of emotions that alzheimer's is..."
Nancy178: "We cry because we wished we could have been better, showed more love...then we cry because we know we will never see them again...all that bitterness for having to be "stuck" with it...turns into loving memories...time heals all wounds, right? ...soon we no longer remember the awfulness of it...but only remember them with love". beautifully expressed.
pattiac: worth repeating: "...sense of relief...but no regrets...a strong support system (family, friends, doctors, senior social workers, etc.), knowing how to anticipate manipulation and the person's "modus operandi", setting boundaries, having a sense of humor, and being true to oneself is vital...to find a way to maintain [our/caregivers'] lives so [we] come out of it intact as an individual and able to move forward."
murph:  "not waste our energy on guilt..."

[[[ lastly: the earlier comments have received many 'hearts' - later ones, fewer. just one 'ocd's' observation, hehe. would like to say these later comments are as thoughtful and supportive as those who show more votes. thank you all :) ]]]
(12)
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Personal to NANCY178 (and everyone else): Your post upthread was beautiful and really struck me. Your perspective, particularly in the last paragraph, is so true. You helped me enormously, and I hope Rosyday and others hear you. Thank you. I wish peace to all of us on this thread and in this forum. {hug}
(7)
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This is what true reality is to all those who want to keep the positive in the fore front, keep in mind that we too will be at this end of the spectrum.
(3)
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My husband is and was the love of my life, but the only relationship we've had the last two years has been feeding him and changing his diapers. Of course our feelings change. We are human. I will always remember my tall, dark, handsome man and love him til the day I die. I have compassion for the man he has become, wracked with Parkinson's and dementia, and I will fulfill my wedding vows---in sickness and in health---but, it's not the same. How could it be?
(14)
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Rosyday, you precisely expressed the dilemma of so many of us. When obligation replaces love (whatever that is for each person), it fosters guilt, which we get enough of externally from those we care for. We want to love, but the stress of trying to fulfill the physical and emotional needs of others that we have accepted in this role of caregiver overwhelms us.

My Mom was very good to us, but very controlling. It was no doubt her way of putting order to her life, which did not go as expected. Her mother died early, then her husband, leaving her to raise two young girls and care for her father. She did a very good job of it all, but never resolved her anger over those deaths. We also learned to lie early to avoid unnecessary conflict.

And now her loss of control and independence just makes her sad and more angry. My sister and I just want true gratitude for all we do, but Mom only seems to be able to complain that we do not do enough. So we are now dutiful, without the warmth we all crave.

Do not feel guilty about not feeling love. You are doing far more than many children would, and have to protect your own emotional well-being.
(10)
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wow, I am with you all. I am supersensitive though, and it hurts when my sister (who doesn't do much, is always sick herself, probably gave my mom her cold on Thanksgiving and now I have it, badgers me to tell her I love her. She can tell my mom that she loves her (on the phone) but hasn't been around to change her depends or hand feed her. Yeah, I get cranky and lose patience when I have to sleep on a lousy bed in the same room as her to make sure she is ok, I don't get out much except to get groceries and prescriptions, and "I am cold" according to her. She has no idea when Mom is gone, I will probably not want anything to do with her.
(6)
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My heart goes out to you. You did not say whether you and your mother ever had a loving relationship, but after 18 years of caregiving and with your feelings, which seem to have either changed, or were already very difficult, you are to be applauded for hanging in. Do not feel guilty about the lies you tell. All caregivers do that in one way or another. I take care of my 83 year old husband who in no way resembles the handsome, funny, loving man I married. Every day is such a challenge. Our relationship was already strained before the more severe onset of his dementia, and I cannot honestly say that I feel any sort of romantic affection or love for him, though I look through photos with him which are reminders of happier times.  Most days are filled with angry outbursts and my nights are tearful. But-I will continue to care for him as I would for any human being needing help. We will never be able to afford assisted living, so I am relying a lot on free resources and some help from family members. I care about his welfare even through my frustration and anger, but the love has gone.  So, once again, do not be hard on yourself. You are doing the best that you can. 
(5)
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Good morning ....well after reading all the newsy notes.....I am reading about myself...I envy any daughter that has a fabulous close relationship with their mom....my mom passed away 11 years ago and I do not miss her one bit...I will tell you what I did that made me feel good inside...the day before she died she was still able to respond even though her eyes were closed...I leaned over into her ear and I said mom, if you can hear me stick out your tongue; and she did...well then, I leaned into her ear and I whispered this...you were the most horrible mother a child could have...you were so mean to us....you hit us for every little thing; I hated my childhood; you robbed me of friends and love,you told me I would not amount to anything...the next morning hospice called and said your mom died and inside I said what took so long...if dancing was allowed my sister would have tap danced on the coffin....our dad was soft and gentle and the most loving person; he died when he was 63...over 40 years ago.....I turned out to be a very kind person..and I swore to myself that I would never be like our mom...a mean and vicious woman.....so do not feel guilt,or feel remorse....we do things out of the kindness of our hearts and never ask for anything in return.....you do what makes you feel comfortable inside...even though you are not appreciated, you are special to your friends and other family members...you will feel tremendous relief when your mom passes......no guilt...you say, wow, finally I am free of her ....no regrets...from that day forward, do not hold on to grudges, do not hold on to anything of hers that will remind you of your mom...move on to a sweeter better life....
(7)
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My parents divorced when I was 12 and my sister was 5, and my first husband and I divorced when my children were 8 and 2. Both my parents died after short illnesses at ages 63 and 80, but I would certainly have been there for my mother despite the fact that we weren't all that close. Neither am I particularly close to my own two children, so I have LTC insurance (two policies) so they won't be overburdened. I have never said that I would not go to a nursing home, and indeed expect to do so, or at least to memory care as I carry a gene for late onset Alzheimer's. They are much relieved at that decision, as their father is now in nursing home (he has Lewy Body dementia), and he fought it every step of the way. They just pray his money don't run out before he dies. At $15,000/month (including a "sitter" for 16 hr) he has about 5 years. He doesn't have high blood pressure or cholesterol so may live a rather long time.
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