When you caregive out of duty rather than love...

Rosyday (and all of you in our boat!),
I could have written your letter as well as all of the other contributions. Thank you all for your honesty. It really helps me know my thinking is common, understood and validated.
I think I once loved my mom, too, but as I grew older I began to suspect she was only pretending to love me. I was adopted as a 6 week old after 7 years of my parents trying to have a child of their own. My daddy was heartbroken that he would not have a child. I think mom "loved" him and decided that 'he' wanted a child so she suggested adoption. (I was told this about 6 years ago. She messed up and did not say 'we'. I might also add "he could not get her pregnant!" Who tells their child this? I had not asked.)
About 3 months ago we were discussing the fact that she constantly lies to her AL Memory Care aids about me. I told her it would have been better for her, not my father, if she had had a biological child that was more like her. I think she was shocked because her misperception that she could enforce her will upon me and make me an extension of herself possibly dawned on her and she thought she had fooled me. I asked her how her father treated her when he was drunk and she answered honestly for the first time in her life that he physically, verbally and emotionally abused her. The damage forced her to become narcissistic and she played her role beautifully to her teacher coworkers, students and friends. No one in my tiny home town knows the truth about her inability to love me and the emotional, manipulative and ignoring abusive side of her.
I spent my years performing for her, making her look good, being a good little daughter and making them proud- many things trying to win her approval and love. My daddy truly unconditionally loved me but for mom it was always conditional. He died in '93 when my youngest was 2. Fortunately, since high school I have always lived just under 3 hours away. She was not overly involved in my children's lives but has been a fairly good grandmother and only occasionally manipulated them. She never wanted to move here after daddy died which I find odd now that I have grands of my own!! Her health forced the move as I am an only child.
I spent my life thinking my birthmother didn't love me enough to keep me and this was encouraged thinking by mom. This wasn't the case as I found out through DNA which located my bio families. Hers was a true sacrifice of love to give me two parents because she was unmarried and alone. She died before I found her but have bio family that have filled in the details. I also have a biological Pops, who loves me unconditionally. We are so much alike! I will not tell mom about him for very good reason.
As mom grew older and needed help after total knee replacement she came to live with us while we got her to PT and set up with a BiPap for undiagnosed sleep apnea. She moved back home 3 hours away for about a year. When I found my deceased mother while I was looking for medical history purposes, pushed and encouraged by my mom, her life fell apart, especially after I found a half sister. She was jealous of a dead woman who gave her a child! There was no competition for her unless a sister and an uncle living 8 hours away from me in differing directions could. I read that narcissists fear abandonment and this seemed to be true for mom. That she wanted me to feel abandoned by my bio family when it is her biggest fear truly blows my mind.
I have been to therapy to discuss my mom issues although he tells me I have done the work myself by coming here to AC, reading about daughters of narcissism and reading up in a Facebook group. I am learning to forgive her and am trying to honor her as my faith encourages me to.
The latest blow is that she has told all her caregivers that "I am not her daughter, that she never had children". My birth certificate says differently as well as her durable POA. It hurts very much even though I am not surprised by this.
I am definitely doing this oversight caregiving role out of a sense of duty and have a hard time thinking about "play acting my part" at her eventual (we are many years away) funeral at my father's former funeral home his family owned.
I continue to pray for the grace needed for all of us for our caregiving journeys and for the healing of our hearts damaged by our loved ones. I hope you all have a time of respite during this busy holiday season.

I took care of my dad out of responsibility. But in the 7.5 years of helping him, I learned who my dad was and while I never thought I'd cry when he passed - I did and it felt wonderful.

Some comes from the mistaken belief that our parents are perfect. No, they're not.
Looking at things from Dad's perspective changed a lot of my preconceived notions. He played Devil's Advocate to Mom's Angel. But neither of them was perfect and they did the best they could.

None of us comes with an instruction manual.

If the worst lie you tell is, "I love you." - believe me, God will bless you for that little white lie.

It's too late for your mother to go back and change things.  It wasn't until the last year with Dad that he asked me if he was a terrible father.  I only asked him if he did the best he knew how and he said that he did.  I told him, no one can expect more than your best.

Later I remembered that he was raised without a father, during the depression, and was sent out to work because the family needed the money.  I was so glad that I didn't say more than I did.  He had no father example and just "winged" it the best he could, working double shifts to meet the needs of his family.

Folamix,
I used to go see Mom every day. I cut it down to everyother day and weekends were mine.

Thank you for posting this .
Both of my parents were COLD for lack of a better word. My mother was cold and cruel physically and mentally abusive but I forgave her many years ago but you never forget. My father never laid a hand on any of us but he was emotionally distant and really I never felt a single moment of love coming from him . He died 5 years ago I had no animosity towards him but I felt very little towards him either way . For the past 3 years my job is taking care of my mother who has pretty severe dementia at this stage. I am the eldest of five living children and I suppose my order of birth has left me with the feeling of responsibility for her. I am now 63 and want to enjoy my free time but I have no free time and cannot leave the house for more than an hour. I also feel uneasy when I must comfort her emotionally and tell her I love her. Picking out a birthday or Christmas card was always a nightmare but that has passed since she can't read them anymore. I feel guilty for feeling guilty I wish someone had a magic wand to help me get rid of my guilt I tell myself all the time what are you feeling guilty about you've been taking care of her now for three years you've given up your life to move out of state to make her more comfortable you don't feel guilty you feel stupid but my sense of Duty continues to push me forward. On the bright side and dementia has made her a more pleasant easy going person had she still been the mean-spirited angry person I grew up with I don't think I would have been able to have done this. Thank you for letting me vent.

Rosyday and Treeartist.....this is just howI feel. I don’t feel like I’m the only one, now.

A few days ago I was in the drug store, struggling to choose a Christmas card for Mom, who is 92 and in memory care. I wish they had more Mother's Day, Birthday, and Christmas cards with simply stated messages sans the sentimental mush I can't feel inside. I gave up and walked out. I'll just send her one of my generic "Seasons Greetings" cards. Proof again I can't give up the fantasy that never was.

Mom told me years ago my brother and I were accidents, that caring for us was stressful and "she had no help." I know and understand Mom was poorly prepared emotionally for motherhood, that something went wrong in her developmental years to make her the miserable woman she was and is.

I envy those who shed tears for loved ones who pass away. When Mom goes, I'm not sure what I'll feel. Relief, no doubt for both of us, that she might find peace in the next life she never had in this one. Maybe by that time I'll have already grieved and put away my longing for a mother-daughter relationship. Being Mom's emotional caretaker for as long as I can remember, I think mine will be more like the grief one feels for a loss of a child. Trying to shed that role has been a decades-long endeavor that never quite gets done.

But as I stated earlier, Mom is 92 and fueled by hate, 99% of it directed at me. I let memory care and other family members deal with her face-to-face. I care for her like a brownie or elf, paying her bills, managing her medical care, sending her stuff in the mail. I seldom show my face.

The father of a friend left the family when my friend was a teenager. My friend had a younger brother; their mother was ill and required total care. Fast forward about 40 years. The father was ill and had nowhere to live. My friend allowed him to live rent-free in one of her homes. He eventually entered a nursing facility, where she visited often enough to assure herself he was receiving the care he needed. She felt no love for him, but felt she met her minimum responsibility to ensure he received care.

I'm so glad I read this thread this morning...esp. AmberA's comments. Despite the fact that my mother is narcissistic and we never had a close relationship -- after my dad passed away 5 years ago, I have been picking up after Mom -- she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's this year ... after fighting with her over her meds, spoiled food in the pantry and refrigerator, unpaid or 'double-paid' bills, lost jewelry and wallet-- it was a struggle to get her to give up driving and let us (brother and I) put some organization in the chaos. Meanwhile my husband's lung and neurological conditions are worsening - so I feel like a robot most of the time. Thank you - all of you for your comments; it has help me as well as Rosyday... and thank YOU Rosyday for starting this thread.

Yes thank you Rosyday for starting this thread. Family is not people we choose but who are chosen for us and from where I'm standing I think it doesn't work for most people. I too don't love my narcissistic mother. She's an absolute pain in the ass and even though I'm the one (along with my wonderful partner) that takes care of her, she will give my brother (who does nothing) unconditional love. It's a maddening situation. From the outside looking in so many people see all the excellent care I give my mother as a large sign of my love for her. They are wrong, it is totally about doing the right thing. But one day a very good friend of mine (one of the few friends who will actually step up to the plate and help) said this to me: "Well considering how negatively you feel towards your mother you are to be commended even more for the excellent care you give her." So Rosyday, not only should you not feel guilty you should realize what an incredible giving human being you are for giving such dedicated care DESPITE how you feel. It's a lot easier to take care of someone you love. So give yourself a giant pat on the back and drop the guilt - it simply doesn't apply - far from it!

Diane316,

I read your comments of a few hours ago ("Good morning....") and keep going back to them in my head. I could have written them myself: our circumstances are so similar...almost. How many times have I fantasized about doing what you actually did: purge all my anger toward my mother as she lay dying; finally saying all those things I wanted to say but held back.... I think of all the crushing, soul-sucking things Mom has said to me over the years; so outrageous, you wouldn't believe me if I told you. If they did a chest x-ray on Mom, you'd see a gaping hole where her heart's supposed to be.

I suspect if I did say those things it would have felt really good at first ...... then later I'd drown in guilt and regret. And besides, I think I'd feel like Mom got the last laugh...of provoking me into a clone of herself, which is something she's always wanted. I have to check myself, often. "Do I sound like Mom? Did I behave like Mom?" God forbid!

There's a physical resemblance when I look in the mirror. People say I look a lot like her, and I can accept that. But beyond that I will banish anything of her manipulative and punishing nature, bitterness, jealousy, and self-pity. I won't be like her!

What I have done to manage my anger is to write letters to Mom and put them through the shredder. I've got files and files of creative writing stored on my hard drive. I'll bet you can guess the theme: the heart of child broken by her mother.

So that's how I'm managing my pain. I can't fault you on how you managed yours; no, not for a minute. Because you, Diane, and only you know what you endured at your mother's hands. When you said "You robbed me of friends and love. You told me I wouldn't amount to anything," I had to wipe away the tears. I think I understand something of your feelings.

When Mom is gone, my memories won't be happy ones. If my last years find me drowning in dementia, (or even if they don't), I hope my children and grandchildren have a bank of sweet memories of loving and being loved. Because in the end, nothing else really matters.

No one is bound to a chain that essentially says "caregiver." That said, you usually do it out of love, necessity, but it doesn't mean that you're a bad person if you're not the caregiver. My own late mother hurled a nasty remark at me "You're Hitler." Really? !!

Rosyday - thank-you for opening up this discussion. I want to love my mom & dad as a daughter should, but I can't. I could never figure out why my mom seemed to hate my brother & me so much. She was always mad about something & terrorized us with her temper. I wondered why she ever had kids. Dad was submissive & never knew how to deal with her. In later life, I figured out she raised us just as she had been - with anger, harshness, suspicion, & abuse. I have now been my parents' caregiver, off & on, for about 10 years, much of that time with them living 370 miles away. They are now in AL in my town. Dad, at 92 is in pretty good shape considering his past health problems. Mom...not so much. At 88, she has speech & memory deficits from a stroke & advanced COPD from years of smoking. I manage her meds, both with MD appointments, pay bills (they have a trust), & try to give them outings once in a while. They are 180 degrees in behavior from what they were when I was growing up -always thanking me, very appreciative, etc. While I'm glad about that, I feel like I'm doing this out of obligation not love, & I can't return their feelings. And for this, I feel guilty. It will be a relief when they are gone.  One of my concerns is what am I going to say at Mom's funeral? I started composing a eulogy that is respectful, but not emotional, as most would be. I just can't feel it & it makes me sad. It has been reassuring to read these comments & know I'm not alone. What's done is done...

Diane,
Reading your post caught me off guard. I've never met anyone who has told their parent what they thought of them (negatively) on their death bed. I certainly don't fault you for it-your childhood must have been hell. I'm not sure I could have done it, in case I would feel bad about doing it afterward. I'm glad you still had a few hours to let her know your feelings.
In reading your post, it brought back lots of things that my parents said, that I've repressed. Parents can be so mean and ugly. I was a little girl that grew into a fairly well behaved teen and then a responsible young woman. This is what came back from my earlier life and popped into my head after I read your post.

Mom (1962) "Don't hug me-you'll muss my hair." She had just come from the salon.
I was 5.
(1968) "I don't use this type of cologne." (scowling) It was a Christmas gift that I bought from the 5 and dime store, with coins I had saved. I was 11.
(1972) "Can't you do something with that long, straggly hair?" I was 15.
(1976) "When are you going to loose weight? You're getting too fat. I was 19.

Dad (1965) "You little slut." I was 8 and didn't know what a "slut" was. He was drunk.
(1969) "Get the hell out of my sight." as he was throwing a crystal ashtray at my head. Drunk again. I was 12.
(1975) I decided to take a year off between high school and college to work. "You'll never amount to anything. You'll just get get pregnant and be a looser."
(1979) My graduation day from nursing school. I was the class valedictorian. "I'll give you a present when you graduate as a nurse practitioner." (Sober that day.)
(1983) We had Christmas at our house. He received lots of nice gifts, had a great meal with tons of leftovers to go home with, got a ride to and from our house. I "caught" him drinking vodka straight out of the bottle from our liquor cabinet. I got pissed and told him off. Two days later he told me, "That was the worst Christmas that I ever had in my life." (He was never invited back.)

Moms and Dads are supposed to love and nuture you or at least be neutral and non-offensive. Instead, some of us get the booby prize with exquisitely bad parents. Why?

Maybe to make US into great parents. I thought that's what happened. I think I did most things right with my son. I sacrificed bible study classes for hockey practice, assisted with complex science projects, hugged and kissed the daylights out of him. But I have been financially and emotionally abused and lied to by my son. We don't have any relationship anymore and don't talk.

It's not really fair that I struck out on BOTH sides. I figured the torment I got from my folks would make me a better mother. Obviously, that wasn't the case. I'm sad for loosing out BEING the kid and HAVING the kid. Oh well. I guess, in a way, it's made me a stronger person.

Unfortunately, most people wouldn't give to a relationship what I would. I've learned to hold my outgoing personality, inside. Now I'm cautious and don't bend over backwards to assist friends and relatives. I still love giving and donating my time to the less fortunate (animals too) because you can see they really do appreciate it.

Too bad my own family has turned me into someone I was not. I hope to enjoy what time I've got left (especially retirement) but also await my time to depart this earth and finally live with unconditional acceptance. I can hear Him saying at the Pearly Gates, "Come on in, Sue, I want you just as I made you." :)

SueC1957: I am so sorry that you went through HELL! I had an uncle who molested me and my own mother kept in contact with him until his death a few years ago! Something was wrong with my mother!

How awful for you Llamalover. My childhood pales in comparison to yours. I'm so sorry. I'm glad the offender (your uncle) is not able to molest anyone else.

What the h*ll was wrong with your mother? Doesn't sound like she stood up for you. Shame on her.

Down with crappy parents! Boo!

I forget the name of the author but the title of the book is "The Five Languages of Love". It's a book geared towards counseling married couples. However, I (single) can relate to one of the languages - which is the love language of Duty. Growing up, we never said "I love you" to each other but we did things - our love language of Duty - out of love for each other. I never told my father I loved him - but I cared form as a form of duty and responsibility and this is how I showed my "love. I'm doing the same right now for my mother. All families express "love" differently. In mine, actions outweighed the words.

SueC1957, I want to give you a hug. You sure struck a chord with me..my parents were not nice while I was growing up..nothing ever good enough...you need to lose weight...you have crummy friends.. etc etc. Their constant badgering has made me who I am today, a pretty lonely person. Still I feel a duty to help them in their elder years, because there is nobody else. I will feel no sadness when they are gone, I will cry tears of joy that I’m finally free of the hateful judging that has haunted me most of my life. I appreciate not only your note, but those from everyone else here. None of us are alone in this.

ML4444,
And a ((((big hug)))) back to you! We mistreated children need to stick together for support and strength. I'm sure our collective tears would fill a swimming pool.

You've got to hand it to our indomnible spirit. Even though we were not treated well, we have RISEN ABOVE the degradation and trash talk our parents flung at us. We have taken care of the very people who put us down. I think God would be proud of that.

There's nothing saying that we have to love these parents, honor them-yes, but NOT love them.
Honor is to treat them with the same respect we would give a person on the street. We need to make sure their "basic" needs are met. I am doing that and so are many others who deserved so much more from their parents.
We are the champions. We have overcome "nasty" to be "nice".

SueC1957: My mother said to me "why didn't you tell me about Uncle _____"? at least 76 times!!!! I told her, "mother, I told you." I won't repeat it 76 times! Mothers are supposed to be protectors! Why was she out the door with the damn spouse of this man and left me with him? No way, I got myself right on their heals and went shopping with them. Every young person in this man's family, including boys, were victims. Worse case-he was allowed to be intimate with his own granddaughter! Thank you for your caring words, Sue! Recently I purchased a book on Amazon about "Toxic Parents." I'll start reading it after the holidays. Oh and my mother never told my brother that this had happened to me! I had to tell him just a few years ago! Big hugs ((( ))) back to you SueC1957!  You went through HELL and survived!

Hugs to all of you -- I never felt like anything I did was good enough, and still feel that to some extent .. even though I've been successful... that cloud still hangs over me, and my mother still tries to take credit for my piano playing, or anything else she can horn in on... 'your hair needs color' ... "Hi Mom, you look nice..." "YOU don't"... I am caring for her out of duty... but I'll be glad when this task is over, like many of you. Thank goodness we have this site -- I know I've said that before.. but, it's true.

(((Hugs))) to the steadfast souls who were/are caregivers to abusive parents. We raised ourselves because they wouldn' t or couldn' t. We learned (after years of therapy) to love and nuture ourselves because they didn' t know how. And we care for them because somehow in love' s absence we grew a heart. Joy and blessings to all.

To add about my sister, who is now in assisted living, this is the same sister, who upon the death of my mother told me "I don't know why you want to be close now, we have never been close" and upon the death of my father, right after we came from the hospital told me "You know he and your mother were never married". Along with countless other comments has caused me to hold her in less than fond regard. I just can't fake it, but I do feel compelled to look after her. Its just that I feel I could do more but I am not so inclined.

Rosyday, you DO LOVE your mother. All the things you do for her - that shows your love. The nice warm emotions? That is really not what love is. Doing the things that show love is what really counts. Emotions are unruly things, pleasant, unpleasant, but just emotions. Love is shown in actions.

You can't get blood from a stone.  Life is nothing like a Norman Rockwell painting, a Lifetime Movie for wimmen, a Brady Bunch/Waltons tv show.  If you are elected 'it' to do the caregiving to a bad parent, and you do so, and you do a fair to good job -  that is as good as it gets!   I have had major issues with both my parents, I did caregiving for my mother (and it almost killed me). Both are deceased and though I think of them occasionally, sometimes with nostalgic fondness for the few good times in the past, I don't miss them much. Their passing lifted a burden from me hard to describe, and I feel relief more than anything, after what they put me through. Especially during the holidays - a nightmare for decades.

OMG....thank you all for your responses. I thought that I was being the worst daughter on earth to feel that I don't love my mother, but take care of things for her because I am all that she has here. I, too, have POA and making decisions for a 94 year old mother with dementia who can be egotistical, berating, uncooperative, stubborn....well, you know the drill...is a job I don't feel should be mine. But it is.
I, too, at one time in my life, loved my Mom but in retrospect, I don't ever remember her hugging, cuddling or holding me. No touchy, feely instances. And, now, with her dementia, I really don't have a desire to say..I Love You,..to her, tho at times I do.
Yes, I do think that I will cry when her time comes, but it won't last. This is rough, but it's nice to know that I am not alone in this journey.

nebbish: Big hugs ((( ))). You are not alone.

It's OK, hon. Life is not like: The Waltons. The Brady Bunch. Leave it to Beaver. Or any other number of teevee or movies like it's how it's supposed to be.....I remember seeing a tv show when I was in my early teens, and the mother clutched the girl to her buzzzom and said, 'You can tell me anything, dear, I love you. I know how hard it is to be a teenager in love.'................imagine my surprise when I came home crying at age 15 because my boyfriend dropped me like a piece of dog pooooop. My mother socked me in the chops and said I should shut the F up and if I ever got knocked up, she would drive me into the countryside 1000 mile away and kick me out of the car.....When the old bag finally died in a nursing home, I cried a little. But not too much.

There is a profound peace that comes from doing the right thing, regardless of your past. It comes with time - after battling the inner dialogue that starts with "Why should I exert my time and energy for someone who didn't give a S%$# about me?" Eventually, however, the peace comes. Stay strong. Stay pure in your heart. The rewards will be yours.

It's a tough one. I struggle to manufacter feelings these days and sometimes I fail. Somedays her behaviors cause "triggers" from my childhood and make it that much harder to feel real love and compassion. I feel like I just go through the motions. Make sure her leg stays healthy, make sure she has everything she needs, is comfortable and as safe as I can try to make her but the resentment often bubbles up to the surface taking over my "trying my best" to keep things on a positive note. It feels like an obligatory commitment I agreed to now rather than one I genuinely am happy to do for her. I also am in chronic pain so that does affect my mood and I feel invisible that anyone has a clue what a struggle it is for me just to do the smallest of tasks without paying for it afterwards. It's hard to keep pretending somedays.

Amber A. - your comments resonate. I've often said (mostly to myself) I am who I am not because of my parents but in spite of them.
And Rainey69 - going through the motions says it all. I'm writing Christmas cards to my mom's friends and it feels like such a farce to say mom is doing well. But if I told them what life is like day to day - well let's just say I'd probably not have any cards to write for her next year. One thing I've learned is that being truthful about ALZ is not welcomed by all.
So my latest complaint about doing things out of duty is buying gifts, wrapping, and mailing for family "from mom" and she gets the thank you. Do they really not get that she's not participating in this?? Oh she's glad to see I'm her personal shopper and taking care of things but that's as far as her part goes. And this is my family who I'm also feeling more dutiful to than loving.