When your narcissistic LO tells you not to call them!
Sorry for the rhetorical question, but I truly need to vent!
I call my mother twice a day, every day. (I know!! Please no criticism! I'm trying my best to be comforting during quarantine!)
This morning as usual, my Mom was complaining about everything.
I suggested she get in her scooter and take a spin around her building.
Somehow she twisted that into a lecture! I explained it was a suggestion and it might do her good to get out of her room. She hung up on me.
I bit the bullet and called her this evening.
I told her we needed to talk. I tried to explain my frustration that she isn't willing to do anything to help herself. I brought up the fact that she is unwilling to take antidepressants or seek counseling. I told her that while I try to listen to every complaint, I am only human and have a lot of my own issues that I am dealing with. I told her that I am not her therapist. I am her daughter!!
I told her that I don't know what to talk to her about, because how are you, meals, weather, what are you up to, the facility are all off limits.
Her response was that I am "b**chy" and "then don't call me "!
While I understand that the quarantine has been so hard on her, I can't wrap my head around how a Mother could be so cruel to her daughter that has been dealing with cancer and had major spine surgery 2 weeks ago. Which is just the tip of the iceberg.
I doubt it will sink in that right now she needs me more than I need her, but I will not call her!
The old adage "You can't help someone that won't help themselves " is totally true!
It breaks my heart to feel it will be a relief when she passes.
Before you judge me for my statement, she has been miserable for as long as I can remember. And despite my best efforts, I have never been able to make her happy or contented!
I am human and I am over it!
God bless all of us that are giving all, and getting garbage in return!!
Our rewards will come later!!
I think you made the right decision. I can’t add anything to what you have written.
Take care, enjoy your well deserved break!
Accept no calls. Make no calls (unless to supportive people). Take a nice walk & enjoy the sound of the birds instead.
When the phone rings - blow a raspberry at it & leave it ringing 😁
(((Hugs))) to you. Safely socially distanced of course!
Continuing to call mom reinforces her bad behavior.
I would try "Gray Rock" technique.
Since there are NO WINNERS in what’s happening in this dynamic, STOP DOING IT, DON’T CALL, and DON’T TAKE CALLS FROM HER.
Nobody is capable of comforting anybody during this quarantine. Let go! Let go for yourself AND FOR HER.
Make her make the 1st call. She needs to see that you are important to her life and that she needs you and not the other way around.
My dad pulled the same stunt, it's manipulative and ignorant behavior. I didn't talk to him for 5 years and when he started telling family that he would sure like to talk to me, I made it crystal clear that he was the one that said to never call him again and he will be the one to make amends. I would handle it the exact same way if he pulled it again today.
Your heart matters and she doesn't deserve free access to continually hurt it. You don't need the stress of her ugliness. Not ever but, especially now when you need love and support for your healing.
Her choices have just brought the consequences to her life. Let her figure it all out, step back and don't do anything for her, nothing, nada! This is the only way for her to see the consequences of her words. If you still do everything for her she hasn't lost anything except her scratching post.
Prayers for strength to step back and let her see the reality.
Now I call her once a day. If we argue and she tells me not to call her, I don't. I wait for HER to call ME. Works out just fine.
I accept the fact that I can't make my mother happy or content. I accept the fact that my mother loves misery so much, she invites it over to visit 100x a day. I also accept the fact that I AM human and have to look out for ME while others are looking out for HER.
Please do the same, ok? Our mothers WILL live to be 100. The question is, will we die young falling all over ourselves to 'fix' what's broken with THEM?
You all hit the nail on the head!!
She sent me an email with an article about osteoporosis and how suffers should set boundaries.
I responded that was fine, however, she can't complain to me day after day and not expect me to offer advice. I also told her again that I am not "A Whipping boy "! And if I didn't love her, I wouldn't say Jack!
Then I sent her an article about the affect of depression on back pain. It discusses how the use of antidepressants and psychotherapy can help to lessen back pain. Antidepressants actually work with the neurotransmitters that send pain messages to the body.
I have no doubt that she is seething mad, but I have had enough!!
It has been a quiet day with no drama other than my diminishing anger at her.
Hopefully she will take some of it to heart.
Doubtful I know, but I will continue my prayers.
Thank you all for your support and kindness!!
Once again, you're absolutely on point!
I guess my question is, at what point do we throw in the towel?
When your LO refuses help at every turn, when do we pull the plug?
I know it's a personal matter !
It's so disheartening and troubling to realize that they are unwilling to help themselves!
I have listened and heard things since I was 12 years old that NO 12 year old should ever have to hear.
My heart aches, but my soul feels justified!
I just got off the phone with my brother in Colorado. Apparently she wants to move back there.
Hallelujah!!
I'm done with quilt!
I got sucked into the pissing contest for awhile, but ended it with "I'm sorry that I have been such a disappointment to you " and then promptly blocked her number and blocked her on FB.
Although it's painful to cut her off,
I know this is what's best at this point.
My heart aches, but my mind is at ease!!
Yay! I love the blocking feature on my phone! Except it doesn’t work as well for spam texts and calls due to robo calling. I’ve even put an app on my phone and they still occur. Grrrrr. Good for you to block FB too.
Yes, it’s painful because we want loving relationships that are harmonious. Unfortunately we don’t always get what we desire.
Best wishes to you. Take care.
I have to admit, when I saw you say this:
"She sent me an email with an article about osteoporosis and how suffers should set boundaries." I laughed so hard!!! Nothing like a NARC telling their VICTIM they need boundaries in place for THEMSELVES! LMAO!
These narc mothers are just too much. Send her one of the MANY articles out there about needing boundaries with Narc parents! Actually, just ignore her. Good deal on the blocking. When you finally do speak with her tell her that was one of the boundaries she needed for her osteoporosis.
Yeah, hopefully she moves to Colorado! Fingers crossed for you!
I would honor her boundaries and go total radio silence.
I know that it hurts your heart but, you matter as much as she does and her actions are not okay anyway you look at it. She obviously doesn't have what you desire from her. I am sorry that you got one of those mthrs.
If I was near you I would fix your favorite meal, tuck you under a comfy quilt and hold you in my arms while I told you all the beautiful things that you are and how much you mean to those that truly love you. Then we would find all the joyous memories and plan anything that brings laughter to your heart, because you are special and you deserve to be treated special.
Great big warm hug! You are going to get through this situation and you are going to be stronger than before. God bless and keep you under HIS wing while you heal, your body and heart.🤗🤗🤗
BUT you're at a cross-roads, since normal mothers are considerate, whilst, your mother, instead, chooses to be "cruel." It's an incredibly difficult scenario to understand, it's even worse when you're the recipient of a narcissistic mother's psychologically abusive manipulations.
Ongoing research into the narcissist personality disorder, indicates that those with NPD such as, your mother, will never change; which means, she has and always will see her actions and opinions as superior to everyone else's.
I'll go ahead and guess that she has never interacted with you in a truly loving manner, BUT interacted with others as you always wished she would interact with you.
Unfortunately, narcissistic personalities tend to berate their scapegoated children, and even worse will often covertly sabotage the lives of their (adult) children.
When sons and daughters of that wicked personality type, stop going along with their mother's nonsense, their Narcissistic mothers will delete their non-compliant children from their lives.
It's always an either/or (on/off) situation in the mind's of NPD individuals; you're either on the side of the Narcissistic personality or you're not, which results in eventual eviction from their NPD lives.
If this is the first time you've stood up to your mother, she is expecting you to grovel to her for her forgiveness.
Unfortunately, Narcissistic personalities will slander their children throughout their children's lives, which means she has been telling everyone for years that you're THE problem, which means right now she will be telling whomever that you told her ...what she said to you...
Narcissistic personalities will ALWAYS LIE, to always appear as the good person. when in truth they have been psychologically manipulating (abusing) their (now-adult) children, for years.
Sadly, there is really no easy fix, nor solution; but the only action that typically works, is dropping all contact, which she has told you (given you permission) to do...
No contact, helps protect you from her psychological abuse ... until she dies and leaves you nothing in her "Will."
Unfortunately the most cunning narcissistic mothers will deliberately ruin their daughter's lives, by contacting whomever they can to interfere with employment, marriage, college, etc.
So sorry that you've experienced cruelty from her. A silent separation might be best ... if you choose to drop all contact keep that decision protected, otherwise she will use that decision against you 100%.
You're dead on!!
In her text, she told me that the staff at her ALF treat her better than I do.
I spoke with my brother in California tonight and he told me that she is devastated by my No Contact. She says she completely understands all of my concerns for her and why I might be tired of listening to her problems etc...
Again, that's the polar opposite of what she said to me.
As the over pleasers, this is an extremely hard thing to stick to!!
I will confess that the last couple days have been much more peaceful.
I suspect if I stay the course, she will decide to move back to Colorado!
Fingers crossed!!
Thank you so much for your amazing insight!!
It is interesting how our moms can say one thing to others and something different to us. What did your brother think when your mom said what she said to him? Did he feel that she was sincere or was he not interested in buying any of it? Does he feel it was a ploy to get him to feel as if she was concerned about you?
My mom did that constantly with me. She would say different things to different siblings. Of course, the siblings weren't around when she said cruel things to me and unfortunately my brothers bought into everything that my mom told them.
Very rarely would she admit she said something to me and suddenly she would have 'selective' memory and forget all about it whenever she wanted to pretend it didn't happen. You have every right to be frustrated. It can be infuriating if we let it get the best of us. I had a hard time dealing with these issues which is why my blood pressure meds doubled.
My mother's issue is that she is that she has always been an extreme perfectionist. Perfectionists hate to make mistakes and don't tolerate others being imperfect, so quite often they make themselves and those around them miserable. I never quite caught the hang of tuning it out because it was constant. It's easier to tune out something that happens infrequently.
Since my mom moved out and now lives with my 'know it all' brother my bp meds are at a lower dosage again.
Wishing you peace and joy.
I have long since cut her out of my life, but I have forgiven her. The daughter of an alcoholic, She did the best she could I suppose. She kept getting hurt that people left her, then I became one too - but it was for my own good.
This was a friend, not a close relative. I can't imagine how much energy a.close relationship with this personality type would take.
Solid steel boundaries? Phone call once a week? Shortish visit once a month?
I remember she told me she used to yell at her (young) daughter how she caused so much pain during labour... asked me if I did that too. I said no, I blamed it on human anatomy. That daughter must be grown up now - hope she is ok 🙄
Hugs to all who share their lives with this personality type.
Stand firm, let her move back to Colorado. Then you can call her once a week or so and hear how badly your brother treats her!
Your mother thinks of herself as the victim. That is what narcissists do. They portray themselves as reasonable people to others - i.e. your brother - so that they garner sympathy. You seem to have realized that your mother is beyond help from you.
Do not involve yourself in a move to Colorado - or anywhere else for that matter. If your brother lets her move there, that's his *choice* and he will have to sort things out for himself. He will have to establish healthy boundaries for himself.
Mothers such as yours have a warped sense of how to treat people especially other women, and that includes their daughters - like you! You matter and the only person who can protect you from further hurt by your mother is you. Peace, Xray.
I became aware that my mother was trash talking about me to my brothers about 6 months ago. I was angry, but couldn't help but laugh!
She complained to me that my younger brother wasn't calling her. He started calling her on his way home from work. Then she complained to me that "on the way home from work was an afterthought "! She cried over it!
Judge Millian has a saying. NONE ARE SO BLIND AS THOSE WHO WILL NOT HEAR!!
I love that one!!
Thanks so much for all your support and kindness!!!
(((Hugs))) to you all!!!
I have been having conflicting emotions about it.
How can you love someone yet hate the things they do and say to you??
So I decided to go back and reread her text messages from last week.
It was eye opening!!
It solidifies my resolve to continue NC, however, now I am desperately trying to push away the guilt!!
Seems stupid I know, but I imagine if you have ever had to cut ties with your Mother, you totally understand!
Tomorrow I will seek a psychologist instead of my counselor. He truly helped me tremendously, but I feel that I need more help than he can offer.
It's not always so easy to ban someone from your life who is toxic! Especially when it's your Mother.
I also think it’s normal to care about someone but despise their behavior.
Conflicting emotions can become complicated and confusing.
:)
sending you new year hugs!!
i hope you’re doing well!
i read many posts here, on this thread. again, i want to say thank you to everyone on this forum.
many of our situations are similar, and hence many posts are useful for multiple people. it’s been very useful for me.
i wish us well!
continue to seek a life without abuse!
we want to do the right thing (i.e. help/care for narcs). we must also protect ourselves (i.e. not allow any abuse).
hug!
to freedom from narcs.
bundleofjoy
Just couldn't take the abuse anymore. I'd sit there (or rather, stand, she often wouldn't allow me to sit down) like a stupid dog. She'd direct a question at me, as I was answering, DH would pipe up with a query about the computer (or whatever else he was fixing) and if I was talking when he talked, she would literally scream at me, holding her head like it would explode. She'd scream at me to shut up! Shut UP! Dh never said a word.
Both Dh and MIL are quite deaf and opt to not wear their hearing aids most of the time. That didn't help.
The last time I saw my MIL--it just hit me that I was simply allowing her to abuse me, and DH was enjoying not being in the line of fire.
I told her I was giving her the last gift I'd ever give her: that she never had to see or speak to me ever again. Slapped her on the back, swiped a Diet Coke from the fridge and SLAMMED the back door on my way out.
I would be lying if I said this hasn't had repercussions--my Dh is kind of angry with me about it and thinks I behaved like a child--BUT, the truth is, she hates me and always has.
I don't hate her. I actually feel very, very, very sorry for her. She has had an angry, mean life and that's not something I'd wish on anyone.
I feel sorry for my SIL who has to shoulder almost ALL the burdens now--MIL got mad at DH a few months ago and told him to go to hell---and he took it pretty seriously. They'll 'make up' but he hates, hates, hates spending time with her.
Such a sad, cautionary tale about choice and accountability for our actions.