My fiancé is a full-time carer for his dad who has Alzheimer's. He also cares for his grandmother who lives nearby delivering her food, changing her comode and she is calling him every hour to come down to make a cup of tea or open her curtains. I only see him on the weekends and even then we have no time together. He's constantly running around after his dad and grandma and I do feel a bit left out. We are due to have a baby in September and nothing will change, I'll be 100 miles away while he carries on caring for his family. His child will grow up not having their father about and when my fiancés caring is over, I'm not sure I want him just walking in and expecting a ready made family. He makes sure I go without nothing and we have a lovely home, but he never visits and I'm starting to wonder if I want to stay with him. Would you give up looking after your child for your parent?
But, it is what it is now, and you need to plan for the future. Discuss this with the baby's father! In any situation when an unmarried woman is pregnant she certainly needs to know what the father's intentions are. Does he wish you would have an abortion and he washes his hands of the whole thing? Is he dismayed by the situation but promises to contribute financially? Is he thrilled to be a father and starts immediately talking about a very changed lifestyle? Consider his first reaction and also give him time to digest the information and discuss it again.
Does he expect to be a weekend father -- popping in and out of the child's life and always getting to do the fun stuff? How would that suit you?
Why aren't you married? I don't mean that as any kind of judgement. But the reason might shed some light on what you can expect.
Keep in mind that by law he has to contribute financially to support this child.
Also by law, he has a right to see his child. But that does not give him the right to come into your home and act like your partner if you choose not to continue that relationship.
It is admirable that he takes family responsibility seriously, don't you think? Offer to help him find ways to meet that responsibility without being physically present. Get Gram set up for Meals on Wheels and a visiting nurse and/or an aide. Dad with dementia may really need around-the-clock care that can best be provided in a care center of some kind.
Discuss this thoroughly with the man. Think thoroughly about what you want. Make a decision for at least the short term.
To answer your title question, I can say without hesitation that once I had a child his welfare came ahead of all other priorities. That didn't mean that I neglected my husband or didn't do things for my parents. Lots of other relationships are extremely important and need to be maintained. But the welfare of the children takes precedence until they are adults.
Please come back and tell us the progress of this situation. What does the dad want? How much is he willing to change? How much are you willing to accept? We care.
Perhaps it is best to consider him a sperm donor, and get on with celebrating this wonderful new life that you longed for. Giggle looking at things in the infant department. Be joyful if your friends give you a baby shower. Enjoy the delights of being pregnant, without a lot of stress about the relationship that made this possible.
If you don't want to be with your fiance, maybe it would be good to go ahead and get things set up so you can raise your child on your own. Do you plan on giving your baby your name or the father's name? I never have figured how that works.
He's forgotten that what matters to you is not his money and his being a "provider" but HIM, himself, and his being there for you. Remind him. At least open up the possiblity to come up with a diferent plan, even if you don't confront him with the ultimatum of absolute necessity to come up wtih a different plan right away. Can Dad move near you? Can Dad find an assistive living so the family can have enjoyable visits and not be consumed by care needs? Can you put that or any other ideas on the table?
Certainly, there are things that you could do to decrease the burden he has taken upon his shoulders, and remember, things can and most certainly will change, as his caregiving role evolves over time.
If he is the all around Good Guy you fell in love with initially, why not do some research, on how he can get in additional help, in the care of his Dad and Grandmother?
His Dad might well be close to entering a Alzheimer's unit, and Grandma a Nursing home or Assisted living place, but I would think that you two have a lot to discuss, before your baby arrives.
He's got a lot on his plate, trying to do the right thing, but he must find a way to prioritize his time, that includes being there for you and the baby that you mutually intended on having together. Good luck, and remember that you can do this alone if nessesary, many women do these days!
My very first thought probably not!!, because being a care giver changes you.
Now the question is, has he changed in a good way or a bad way...and is the change permanent? Is it possible that he feels you have let him down? By not supporting his efforts to be a good son & grandson? I'm only asking...and thinking of how often caregivers find themselves so caught up in the role that their perspective gets skewed. Have you asked him what *HE* would like to see happen? His "ideal"?
While listening to his answer please keep in mind that when we women are pregnant, it's quite common to view things differently than we would at other times. Just the other day at a family gathering, all the women were laughing about how this or that was "weird" while we were pregnant. Two ladies had a great time talking about how they literally couldn't STAND their husbands for the duration of their pregnancies! ! Ha! And the hubbies were standing there, smiling and nodding their heads, "Yep!".....
My advice would be to put the relationship on the back burner for now since it sounds like you are fine with being mostly self-sufficient and it appears that he might prefer that as well. But after the baby comes, and maybe other circumstances adjust, who knows? The 2 of you might rediscover the love that brought you together in the 1st place. Wishing you the best of luck..and love..in new motherhood as well as your other relationships. Take care, stay in touch with us!