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In some ways this is a wonderful forum. In too many others, it seems to be one big circle of “put them in an institution and if you don’t you’re an idiot who deserves all the difficulties you will encounter and more.” I don’t know if this post will remain after I delete my profile and it doesn’t matter to me. Im
off to find a supportive environment. I will
miss the good advice. I will not miss the way some
posters seem to be working out their own baggage on the backs of others.

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I think we all have to understand that most of us are under tremendous stress, we all have so horrible days. And yes it makes us grumpy, negative, and at times not so nice. And we have to be more understanding of that, let the responses that we don't like go in one ear and out the other. Be more forgiving

We are all in the same boat or have been
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Same here, Alva.

I feel people should be honest and give advice that they find to be helpful.

The OP and others can certainly agree or disagree. They can civilly agree to disagree. Sadly, this doesn’t always happen.

I find it interesting that several posters can be saying the same message and for some reason we see certain posters get a wild hair up their a** and rip into those they choose to target.

Some even feel like we take it personally when posters don’t feel that the advice offered is suitable for them.

I can tell you that I would never take it personally if someone didn’t like something I said. I hope that they wouldn’t take something I said personally.

We are simply offering suggestions. Ultimately, it is the OP’s decision to decide what to do.

As the old cliche goes, “It takes all kinds to make the world go round.” It’s a big enough world for everyone to fit.
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I don't know that BayPoodle is still with us. If she has gone I have to say that she is missing some great input, some who agree with her a bit, some who don't, but in general just some of the best posts. Agree with MstrBill that Burnt's message is a classic.

I do know that when we leave we can still read messages, tho we cannot respond or even "like".
So perhaps, if she is curious as this cat, she will come back to read; I hope so. And I hope she'll return to us.

Reason I know we can still read here is that once I DID leave. Just left me having to come back to the admins begging with my tail between my legs. I won't make that mistake again, tho sometimes I go away for a week and y'all get a needed respite. Then there is my "one month without media every summer"; and I can't imagine how you all SURVIVE that one.

I agree with AnxietyNacy, also on the fact that the best advice I ever got in my life, and I got lots, was advice that shook me up. I remember a psychologist telling me "you won't find me one to sit silent while I collect 100 dollar bills from you". And SHE was amazing. Shook me to my core. I pride myself on not being pushed to anger, but she had me SEETHING. And I learned more from her than just about anyone I can think of. Because after I reached boiling point I had actually to look at myself and consider what she said.
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@BurntCaregiver

I completely 100% agree. That doesn't change the fact this is the situation in many homes today. I've seen it happen twice where the child of the parent ended up homeless when either the state or another sibling placed the parent in a NH.

By the way your other post below is one of the best I've read. Very well done, thank you for writing that.
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@mstrbill

Adults are not supposed to be financially dependent on their parents for their income or housing. Yes, it does happen often when a caregiving situation arises but people let it go on for years and years then often end up broke and homeless themselves.

I was in such a situation for a few years then decided that I couldn't leave myself vulnerable. I was taking work here and there, but then we decided to open the business. Even if we didn't, I could not let the caregiving situation go on for years and years and be financially dependent on a needy, fussy elder (my mother) and anything can happen. No way.
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I think participants like BayPoodle are engaged in confirmation bias, not really here for advice, objective opinions or constructive criticism. Therefore, leaving makes sense.

That being said, any and all public forums will be "free speech/free thought" pulpits for people who are insensitive, tone deaf, rude, blunt, unproductive, angry, pompous, etc... just like FB, X (formerly Twitter), Nextdoor, ad nauseum.

I wish BayPoodle all the best.
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I truly hope BayPoodle reads this.

The forum is not an airport so you don't have to announce your departure.

I look on the forum usually daily when I'm in the office and if I'm working a weekend. I think I've seen the term 'idiot' used maybe two or three times. If a troll comes on here and is just looking for trouble, someone reports them and their comment gets taken down or the thread gets closed.

You have to understand that you're asking for advice and opinions from a very diverse group of people with very different caregiving experiences.

With me, I will always encourage a caregiver to have a Plan B in place for if the situation gets overwhelming and it almost always does. Also placing your needy LO in AL or a NH does not make someone a bad or uncaring person. It does not mean they don't love their needy elder. Also, choosing to keep the needy LO 'at home' does not make you any better than the person who chooses placement. It means you made a different choice and neither is wrong.

I've seen many a happy family wrecked and many a happy marriage end in bitter divorce because the family caregiving plan becomes too much to handle. I've seen many elders suffer because family insisted on keeping them "home" when they should have been in an appropriate care facility to meet their needs.

No one who tells you plainly and speaks from their own caregiving experience is being personally judgmental of you. I speak from 25 years of experience as an in-home caregiver, as a homecare business owner, and as a family caregiver. If you don't like the advice people here give, don't take it.

If you're looking for a group who will revere you and throw palms under your feet because you choose to keep your needy LO at home, good luck finding one.

If you want soild and sound advice from caregivers with diverse experiences, this is a good place to find it.
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If you read OP’s profile, you may get the feeling that she is in a codependent relationship with the person she is caring for. That is likely why to her, placing her mother in a nursing home is out of the question. She possibly may lose her place to sleep and the stipend she gets from mother . Sadly, we do have many others in this country in this situation. Just something to think about in regards to OP’s post. Of course that may not be the case at all, but as usual here we rarely get complete information and answers to questions posed.
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sorry to hear you are leaving. As others have said, there are varied scenarios, and yes, if posters put brief descriptios, then answers will fall towards #2 often. see below as I have been in both scenarios:

1) My Mom, super sweet, generally goes along with what the family advises and instructs. Was kept "aging at home" as long as we could, but pandemic hit and too many issues to continue home care, so went to Assisted living for her final 6 months. She complained a bit but understood.

2) My dad. an jerk, narcissist all his life, now with dementia. stubbornly wanting to stay at home until he fell and broke his neck literally plus brain injury, yet then still claimed he could " go home, I'll call you guys for help occasionally". We forced him to Al and he is fighting tooth and nail, complaining left and right.

very different scenarios, and myself I had very different scenarios between my divorced Mom and dad. My mom was generally accomodatiing, glad to have help, and appreicative of the caregivers she was given.

My dad, has been the total antagonistic opposite.... so , of course, on this forum, answers/ advice would be totally different depending on the scenario...
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Yup you can't get help if you don't hear the truth. That therapist left the practice years ago. But I remember everything she told me. It just all slipped my mind though caregiving. , but I've been pretty open to criticism because I know none of us are perfect, and sometimes we need the truth. But I do think it needs to follow criticism with kind words. Which I think some people don't always do. As I may not have either, but we are all learning
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Sounds like you have a good therapist, Anxiety. I do too. He is a no nonsense, doesn’t pull any punches sort of guy, which is exactly why I like him!

I don’t want a therapist telling me something that I want to hear because it makes me feel better, if it isn’t going to help me in the long run.

Some people won’t go to therapy because they don’t want to face reality.
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Actually some of the honestly has been extremely good for me. Hard to hear at times but good for me. Reminds me of the first time I went to therapy and she told me I was being mentally abused. I did NOT want to hear it but I Really Needed To!
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Anytime we post something on a public forum we can expect to see a variety of responses.

Everyone will be telling you advice from their perspective. It may not be what you want to hear. So, take in what is useful for you personally in your circumstances and discard the rest.

I find it helpful to see different ways of handling things. You will either come to the conclusion that it’s going to be useful or that it is totally useless.

Either way someone may suggest something that you hadn’t thought of already and you might be interested in hearing more about why they feel as they do.

Wishing you all the best in your caregiver journey no matter what you choose.

Take care.
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I just figure going to not check in on weekends because, kind of why I don't go to Hannaford on weekends. It's busy and let the ones that can't go on it on week days go on it on weekends

But honestly this forum has been a god send for me. And I want to help others. And pay it forward.

I honestly do think people can be a little judgemental at times. And also I've noticed that if someone is judgy, others seem to follow that line of thinking. So sometimes I don't even read what others say, so I have a clearer head.

I also do think at times , a lot of people jump to put them in AL . But I also get it, at the same time. So I take the advice and still do things my way. But there are a LOT of times that people do need some honest told to them
Honesty can hurt, but if you listen to it, it can be good.

A couple weekends ago, I called people out for bulling someone, my words where a bit harsh. Probably shouldn't of said it. But I will say after that people changed there tune.

And last weekend Alva said something to people, and she was right! I notice a big difference in additude on weekends.

But bottom line, it's done wonders for me!!!!!!
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Wow I totally agree. Some of the comments are very rude and hurtful. I hear you. Good advice is one thing but when people talk about good punctuation and I've been there and do this, etc. Yes it seems to not be a very good forum.
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Daughter, we also don't know the specifics that BayPoodle seems upset about. She tells us it is that we are recommending in facility care too much.
Now I personally almost ALWAYS do that.
Doesn't mean anyone has to do as I suggest, but if they are asking I am recommending.
I think that BayPoodle would have been perfectly welcome here giving her opinion that she believes in home care is a better option.
We all have our own opinions.

This simply may not be the Forum for BayPoodle. I think that's understandable enough. It's not, I am certain for a lot of folks.
I would say easily one half of our questions don't even get response to our answers at all. We often cannot know what choices the OPs made.
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Sorry for anyone to leave, though the meanies have definitely gotten to me several times and caused me to take a break from the forum. It does seem to have ramped up lately. I hope some compassion can prevail, we really don’t fully know the situations of others
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Most people are helpful and this forum in many ways provides more help as people have hands on experience.
I am rather tired of all friends, family, professionals who know everything yet never did any actual care.
I like differences of opinions or even constructive criticism but from people who do or did do actual caregiving.
I am also honest about facilities.
And quite vocal about young/middle aged women doing caregiving and wives who suffer unbearable hardship because they won’t put husbands in facilities.
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I have noticed weekends are more about people going back and forth and almost arguing, and not really being all that helpful.

I'm planning on only checking in on weekdays
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I'm sorry to see you leave. I think most people here have been long-term caregivers and their advice to place a LO is mostly from experience. There are rare exceptions where a LO can be cared for at home. In these cases, I believe a LO only has mild age-related physical or mental changes or the family has means to afford a lot of help or is a very large family that can provide a lot of help things can be different. Many caregivers here are mainly on their own or are trying to balance their own families with caregiving. This forum is for general advice based on what the poster states and I think many posters have found that many people will run themselves ragged caregiving before considering placement.
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I agree with you that there IS no "one size fits all" method of caregiving for ALL people, and I've used that terminology in the past. Having an elder with dementia living with you and your son is not a horrible thing if mom is not saying and doing ugly things or treating everybody like garbage. Not "all" elders with dementia treat their family like dirt, nor do they all act unhinged. Meaning your mom may not be traumatizing your teenage son at all, which is a different story.

Most of us who speak about placing a loved one in Memory Care Assisted Living has or has had a loved one who was acting out and spewing venom at us or otherwise unmanageable at home. Thus the recommendations for placement. When a couple has VERY young children, they are more likely to get traumatized by odd behavior from grandma than a teenager is, let's face it.

But those who insist on their way or the highway should cut it out. Regardless of experience in the matter, nobody can speak FOR you or another poster and know all the details of their situation. People here should issue gentle recommendations or warnings based on their own personal experiences and end it there, imo. To keep coming back to expand on their opinion is unnecessary and oftentimes unwelcome.

There is no "one size fits all" method of caregiving for ALL people. There is no Right or Wrong for 100% of everybody w/o knowing all the details which is impossible on a forum.

Please rethink your decision to leave. Your input as a home caregiver is useful and helpful to other people in your situation. Your voice counts even when it doesn't seem that way.
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BayPoodle - that wasn't a nice way to go out. Couldn't you just wish people well rather than judging?

I don't see it the way you do - and you did say that you have an easier situation than most. So, maybe just have some empathy (and kind words) for those who are trying to do the best they can under extremely stressful and challenging times.
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There is definitely good and bad advice here, even toxic sometimes.

HUG. I wish you happiness. It’s very hard to take care of an elderly person. I myself take care of my elderly mom, keeping her in her home as is her wish.
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PS Bay Poodle. Maybe just take a month break. I do that once in a while.
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BayPoodle, sorry you made a post you don't intend to stay to see answered.
Sorry also that the opinions of others are so threatening to your own decisions, because you have an absolute RIGHT to your own decision which I will defend to the end.

I am one who often tells people to consider placement in facility for people they cannot give 24/7 complete care to. The reason I do that is that it is MY decision for my life after being a nurse, knowing what is entailed, and understanding how difficult it is EVEN WHEN you love it. I know my limitations. I know I couldn't do it.

Might I tell you that I have heard on Forum over the last four years ONE situation where the poster wrote that she was caring for her dad and quite loved it. Excepting of course his increasing confusion and attempts to protect the farm tools and implements by moving them INTO THE HOUSE. Many of them gas operated. She was scared they might burn the place down. But overall, you know, her life had been a joy with this old gent.
I understand we are here to "answer questions" which usually mean "address problems" so problems are what we eventually are steeped in. As an RN on a cardiology floor I often saw the devastating events that could occur for those required to take blood thinners. But of course I did NOT see those who were home, well and happy on them. It gave me a skewed view. And perhaps that's what I have.

I see little of happiness in 24/7 caregivers, often for people who were themselves terrible parents.
I advise against it.
That doesn't mean you cannot advise FOR it and give your reasons why it is a good thing.

Sorry to lose one of the people who DO enjoy 24/7 care. Because I see it often as burning up your own life on your parent's funeral pyre, doing them no good and killing yourself.

We DO have people come here who are doing the care and who have a question only about food, about swelling legs, about best incontinence wear, about "is this normal" or "anyone else see this" or whatever.

Anyway, sorry. Sorry for your exit. Sorry for your not wanting to speak about it. Not sorry to believe that we have a right to our own lives. I am 81. It would shatter me to see my daughter, now free of me and free of her job soon and free of her grown and educated son out on his own, give up her life to my last years. It would shatter me. I want her to have her own life. She deserves and has earned it.

Best to you BP, if you are still around. I wish you would stay but I understand you must/should do what works best for YOU. That's all I ask for anyone.
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BayPoodle, I'm sorry if you've not felt supported on this forum. We as you know get to read of many different caregiving situations on here and no 2 are alike, though often they have a common theme running through them, of a burned out caregiver who risks being the one dying before the one they're caring for.
It is often those that I personally will recommend having their loved one placed in the appropriate facility, so they can regain their mental and physical health as it's truly not worth giving up ones life for another unless of course you're Jesus. But Jesus we are not.
And also because I am survivor of childhood abuse by my father, I also believe that under NO circumstance should someone that was abused be put in a situation for having to care for their abuser. And if that means that the abuser has to be placed...well so be it.
I wish you well on your caregiving journey and in your life.
God bless you.
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