Dad had a same day procedure yesterday, and needless to say he was absolutely pathetic. He totally sucked up any form of attention.
He used his most wimpy voice which was barely audible. I kept telling him to speak up, we couldn't understand him. The nursing staff probably thought I was horrible, and I really do not care. They don't hear how loud he talks when he's on the phone!
He needed help getting from the wheelchair to the scale, so what did he do? He went dead weight for them, telling him he doesn't have balance. I made him get up.
It was a rough afternoon for me, to say the least. This morning this drama Queen was removing sand from his eyes and said it hurt.....dear Lord....
The most disturbing thing is how totally opposite I am from him. He will sit like a corpse and need help with everything because he is lazy, drives me nuts.
Honestly, if the nursing home wouldn't take everything he would be gone but I deserve something and want my sis to have something so it's a spite thing.
Nice what I've become
People on the outside have NO CLUE what we go through.
If caregiving was a cake, this smells smoulderingly burnt.
You’re a retiree.
And poor health :(.
Retiree is young! Youth lasts a long time!
Just an example:
In Buddhism, the first 60 years you’re a baby. Then from 60, a teenager.
:)
HUG.
My in-laws as I mentioned do pretty much the same. We got commanded over there for Easter when so was actually working, because just a half hour blah blah.
Anyway, both of them were in bed. We ate in there while brother and his wife served us and ate separately. I commented how cute the bed trays were, and paid sil said that was routine now.
As in, when there is not an appointment, fil is using a urinal and commode, and mil is a walker assist to the bathroom. That’s the only place they go…unless there’s a medical appointment. In which case they get showered, dress themselves, go thru all the self correcting balance reflexes getting carried down their ramp less steps, and transfer to and from chair to car.
I wouldn’t say that they, or your dad, are exactly faking it so much as they’re milking it. Their medical appointments are themselves ridiculous. I hate to use circling the drain, but all these treatments, millions to date, have resulted in is two people who two years ago were flying off for vacation and volunteering, and now are at least still alive. The main things they’re being monitored for cannot really be treated further down the road, so it seems kinda pointless.
OP, where you are is much harder because there is only one person fixated on his misery, with you his only target. Nothing wrong with being transactional here, if you’re the only 247 you are doing work that’s 150k and up on the open market. Figure out how many years you lose that and ss payin, so you have an idea of when sunk cost is just that, and time to bail.
Anyway, if it was me that you meant, I'm not young. I'm a retiree and in poor health. Now that my retirement has been ruined by caregiving, I am very happy that I DID appreciate youth and health while I still had it!
Watch out Katykat, because it isn’t just time, stress. It’s also about timing: you’re young now. Don’t let anyone steal your youth.
In a way, some elderly people are maybe very depressed and have forgotten the value of life. So they don’t mind at all drowning your life. But, you, must remember the value of life & youth, and save your life (while still being nice to others).
Occasionally, I have met total strangers in public who see my Mom -- really SEE her and her behavior -- and they'll put a hand on my shoulder or arm and say "God bless; I've been there too"
I don't feel blessed though. Quite the opposite. This isn't life; it's a kind of hell on earth. I keep wondering what I did to deserve this.
My in-laws do what the op described. They currently get served three meals in bed since their falls. They refuse to get up except for commode and toilet or doctors appointments, which are multiple times weekly, and they act exactly this way.
These are your words. What kind of response did you expect after you wrote this? It's very hard to be sympathetic when it appears that the poster is keeping themself in an untenable situation only "out of spite" and/or in hopes of a windfall inheritence. Especially when there are a lot of people here who are caretaking for someone with no means of paying privately for care, and they are forced to jump through Medicaid hoops to secure a paltry few hours of home based care because there are no Medicaid beds available for their LO's.
I don't doubt that you are suffering with caregiving obligations, and I feel for you. But you have an option that many other people don't. If YOU CHOOSE to not take that option, for whatever reason, at least own up to it.
Yeah, we get it; we're all tired and burned out and feeling obligated to care for elders we'd rather not be caring for, really. And they often spit in our eye as 'thanks' for all we DO for them, true. And then they act helpless in front of other when we KNOW they're not really helpless at all, but quite capable. So when things get bad enough, you forfeit the 'inheritance' and you place them in AL or into a SNF and some of that awful resentment starts to dry up a bit as you move on with your OWN life. Yes, you're still looking after him and advocating for him and visiting him, bringing him things and seeing him/visiting him, but that terrible 24/7 grueling grind is finished. And you can breathe a little once more.
Don't live for tomorrow when an 'inheritance' may or may not come through for you to enjoy b/c you may not even be ALIVE to enjoy it, God forbid. Live for today. Today your life is being eaten away by caring for dad. Fix it. Life is short and it's not worth ruining your peace of mind or your daily life over.
I did not believe reason was relevent, just wanted to vent.
My husband, myself, family and my dad know all that I have done lovingly for, and continue to do for him. This has been over the course of a life time.
All done has been so willingly on my part. I sacrificed much to care for my parents.
We had an amazing PT who really pushed him. He really didnt like her. She (as I) expected alot from him, because we know he has it in him. I feel the same, and it really makes me angry because feeling sorry for yourself does not make you stronger!
My dad structured things so that there would be something left for me, as my parents had built their own next egg & also had inherited significant family money. Dad has passed and my alcoholic mother's bad decisions and poor behavior has put this money at risk. Mom is in a home which is eating up all of her money and it will be gone before she is. My other option is to move her into my home to preserve her money. What will then happen is: my husband will move out, my career will go downhill and my health and sanity as well. I am choosing to live my best life, hoping the same for my mom, and that I can go in peace after she dies.
Sounds like he sucks up the kindness because you don't give him any. I hope someone that watched how you treat him feels compelled to report you to APS.
Oh, by the way, NH don't take people's money, people pay for the care they receive and room and board.
You could be nicer to him since you are only doing anything for him to take his money.
Honestly, if this life you have is so terrible, and you are continuing it out of "spite" as you call it, the only person that I see you "spiting" is yourself.
I hope it's a lot of money you're talking about, to make it worth the lost years YOU'RE going through, doing caregiving that you clearly resent for a person you clearly loathe. For myself, there's no amount of money that would make your situation "worth it".
I honestly wish you luck.