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I notice that some of us are caring for people who weren't so nice to us when we were kids - or who abandoned us altogether - or who are not nice now and maybe never were.


I see that some of you are caring for people you love and whom you will actually miss with they die.


If you're part of that latter group, I know it's hard for you too, but thank your lucky stars that you were able to have a lifelong loving relationship with the person you're caring for. A lot of us who don't have a close emotional connection with our person/people wish we were in your shoes. Really.


Just sayin'.

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I'm a lucky one too and I know it. My dad and I had many issues when I was younger but over the years I grew to love him and I will miss him. I think I'm understanding that I'm already grieving as he escapes to his dementia, but I think I will still grieve when he's gone. My mom was in my care (part time) when I was in my twenties and I REALLY didn't like her because of abuses to all of us but I still tried to help out. I ended up feeling guilty, not grief, when she died because I really should have done more. And, this time around (40+ years later), I don't want to feel guilty. I think we are all wired differently and some of us feel more responsible than others even if we don't like the person.
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This is so true. I was not close with the person, actually tried to avoid her most of my life. Funny how things worked out and she was left with only me. I did care for her situation as best I could, put her in a very nice memory care facility when it was needed, paid for it myself, and visited regularly. I am pretty sure I did these things out of guilt and obligation.

There is a plus though. I read some of the posts here where people agonize because they said the wrong thing, or did the wrong thing. I felt things like that for a microsecond, then moved on. When you are not close to the dying person, they cannot hurt you with any real force. You have been their target for years, you develop armor. Sad, but true.
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I feel very lucky to be in the latter group. And Blessed. It really makes a difference because some of the things I read here hurt my heart and I know that what I am going through would be magnified 1000 fold in misery if my parents weren’t such wonderful people.
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Though my mom was an amazing Mom when when we were young (because she broke some bad cycles in her own upbringing) - she also couldn’t Unbreak them all.
The cycles she did break were some of the biggest rewards and lessons of my “dysfunctional life” ....like Love us even - when she didn’t like us - encourage us - even if she thought the path we were taking was a crazy one. But the ones she wasn’t able to break or overcome still brought and taught me a lot in my life. I think I have actually learned more in these past few years caring for her about how I took the reigns on the additional ones that she was unable to overcome.

I don’t know what you have survived or what you had to overcome nor what is was like to walk in anyone else’s shoes but I do hope you know that whatever anyone’s hardships were that you had to carry so heavily - have nothing to do with your value to the world. I see you - I know you are there and I value you. Wishing you peace 🌻
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My Dh is sort of caring for his horrendous mother. He spends 2 hours with her and then 24 hours in bed with the pillows pulled up over his head.

The guilt (and yes, this is a situation where guilt is appropriate) is overwhelming. He has been an abused son---terribly, but he has also been a real PITA to her.

I know when she goes he will crash and burn, not out of grief, but out of 'what should have been'.

Mosltly he ignores her and lets SIL do all the work. If I were her, I'd slap him.

I helped care for two lovely and loving grandmaothers and it gave me a skewed view of aging. I want to be like them---but it's harder than I thought!!
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I too was one of the lucky ones. I was blessed to be able to care for my husband of 26 years for many years, and though it was very hard at times, the fact that I loved him so, made it much easier to continue on.

I can't imagine having to care for someone that I didn't care about or love. I personally wouldn't do it. To me it wouldn't be worth the added stress and aggravation that it would bring to my life. Life is just too short.

But maybe in the end, those of you that are caring for someone with whom you were never close, or who abandoned you, will actually receive the greater reward, as you have the much harder job.
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I get it. I'm one of the lucky ones. I have a lifetime of happy memories to hold me when my mom dies, just as I have a lifetime of them after my dad died in 2018.

My dad wasn't so lucky. He had a terrible childhood with a dad who abandoned the family, an abusive stepfather, and a mother who was mentally unstable and angry about her life. Dad dutifully cared for his mom for decades, bought her a mobile home, a car, and sent money when she needed extra. Her death was a relief.

No one knew about my dad's tough upbringing, because he was the nicest, most generous person you'd ever meet. I asked him how he turned out the way he did with the childhood he'd had, and he said, "When I don't know what to do, I ask myself what my parents would do -- and I do the opposite."

It was a powerful message, because he recognized that even with all their failings, his terrible family had taught him something of value, albeit unintentionally.

You, too, will get something positive out of all this. It might take some looking, but you'll find it.
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