I am the oldest child and have 1 brother (23yo). Currently, my dad and brother are both living with my alcoholic disabled mother in her studio apartment (my dad's ex wifeA due to job loss for what we now know is because of the FTD. Prior to any diagnosis no one mentioned any real concerns about my father's health. My mom would drunkinly complain in text that he wasn't being proactive, was sleeping all day, even thought he was doing meth at one point due to drastic weight loss.
My upbringing was not the greatest and my parents had a tumultuous relationship filled with many horror stories, police reports, cps case workers visiting frequently due to my moms incapacitated fighting, dyfs till I was 18 and they could no longer provide support etc. My brother is autistic, homeschooled when they moved out of state, never even started 9th grade but is intelligent literacy wise, cocktaily when it comes to conversation. He does not have his license, has never taken a permit test and has no social life since he was homeschooled. He was brought up in isolation aside from the store trips he would take with our dad. I never had much of a relationship with him since we are 10 years apart in age and I left home early on at 17 about to turn 18 to get away from it all. I always had a good relationship with my dad up until 2 years ago when we had a falling out. We spoke a few times during those 2 years but we were distant from one another.
Present day my mom called to tell me of his diagnosis and the Dr's findings, actively drinking whilst talking to me, a 43 minute conversation that went from talking to her screaming at me and then back to talking. Was told my brother plans to become proxy and what the doctors plans were, that my dad is not allowed to drive anymore. The news was also shared with my grandmother, my dad's mom who is in her 70s but otherwise healthy sound mind and able bodied. My grandma asked if my dad would want to come home back to the state we are in to my brother, he responded that my dad did want that. Over the course of a couple days all of our immediate family sorted out through work schedules/holiday and planned to fly in to them to get my brother and father both friday after Thanksgiving. That was shortly halted by my brother claiming that staying put was in our dads best interest medically. Finally spoke with my dad briefly yesterday over the phone with my brother overseeing the conversation with us on speaker. He sounded sad, docile, timid and I'm genuinely concerned for his well being. From the day I was told of diagnosis to even today Thanksgiving, my mom has beligerently texted me claiming it is my brother's decision and not hers, that she did not influence anyone and so forth even though no one had accused her of anything. I woke up this morning to 38 unread texts from her being vile and telling me to leave my brother alone and that my dad does not even remember me even though he did when I spoke with him. I havent bothered my brother, only asked how everyone was doing/how dads therapy went & wished him a happy Thanksgiving. My brother and mom are still allowing my dad to drive which also scares me. I'm hurt, angry but most of all fearful for him. I know how awful my mom can be and he would never choose to live with her unless he had no recourse. My grandma is torn up over it all, she just wants to be able to see him and spend time with him as much as she possibly can but we now feel we have to tiptoe so we dont get completely cut off communication wise. What can I do? I don't want my brother to be proxy if he's forcibly keeping my dad there and I can't trust his judgement if he's choosing to stay with our mother who is constantly drunk over being in a stable environment for them both here with family. I feel sick to my stomach that this is even happening. To my knowledge I am not on my dad's HIPAA or an authorized person to speak with his doctors so fully in the blind aside from what my mom or brother share with
Do know ahead that I OFTEN tell people to MOVE at least 1,000 miles from their parents
so good on you. You already moved.
Now here is what you can do: STAY WHERE YOU ARE. STAY OUT OF IT ENTIRELY.
If your mother wishes to call drinking, and wishes to yell then hang up.
Talk to her when/if she is ever sober.
Number TWO thing you can do? Go to Al-Anon where you will get MUCH BETTER advice than you are getting from me.
What can you do about this?
Nothing.
Absolutely, positively and UTTERLY NOTHING.
This household of horror is not functional, was never functional, and you cannot fix it.
You have escaped it and for that I am so proud of you I can't begin to tell you.
The Social Welfare safety net of our country is there for people to drop into, and your parents and brother will access that to the best of their ability. If they cannot, please know there's nothing you can do to help them.
Tell all of these folks, who are ALREADY somewhat estranged from you, that while you care about them, you have no CURE for them, or for anyone or anything else. Tell them you are busy holding your head above water and that's no time to keep others from drowning. Tell them about APS, doctors, social workers, 911 and tell them you can't help. Advise they contact AA for your mother, and Al Anon for survivors living with her.
That's it. Listen to Dr Laura's Call of the Day. CALL HER; she's there for everyone. She is the first to say in my general direction that "There are some things that cannot be fixed". Now you know. This CANNOT BE FIXED. Steer as clear as you can, because those who are drowning often take the innocent rescuers right down with them.
Alvadeer, this is excellent 12 Step talk. I heard this at a meeting back in the eighties. We had a double winner at the meeting. I spoke about wanting to help someone. She told me matter of factly; be careful who you are trying to help and make sure that they don't snatch you down with them. It took years for this advice to sink in. I will never forget that woman in that beige silk blouse that day. That was almost forty years ago.
I agree with previous reply — most importantly, you can’t and should not try to take this on, financially or in any other way. Do NOT offer to have him move in with you, or to move in with them, or offer to become responsible for him. Work from the sidelines only with what fits into your life. Even that can easily become overwhelming as I can personally attest — and your situation with your alcoholic mom and autistic brother living with him in a studio apartment is much more complex.
Given your description of your brother, I would be very surprised if he legally could be power of attorney or health care proxy. Your father may not have appointed one, which only complicates matters further.
Who got him to the doctor to get him diagnosed? This is actually pretty miraculous that it happened as FTD can be hard to diagnose and people with it are often uncooperative about going to medical appointments and taking the various tests. Do you know if he is on any medication to control his behavioral symptoms? I hope so, but know that frequent evaluations and adjustments will be necessary throughout his life as his condition advances. He may well be a candidate for memory care already and this may be the only safe place for him. It can be hard to place 55 year old FTD sufferers because they are much younger, stronger, etc. than others in memory care. Wandering and exit seeking are also FTD behaviors.
Do you know whether any of them (mom, dad, brother) have health insurance or Medicare/ Medicaid? Does your mother work? Who is paying the bills?
As To driving, depending on where you live, you may be able to anonymously report him as an unsafe driver and if so, the police will come to take his license. You could try calling the police in their town directly, but they may require some kind of proof.
The whole situation sounds very risky and unsafe. You may also be able to call adult protective services to have a professional go out and investigate. My dad did unsafe and destructive things to their house and property. It sounds like your mom could also be pretty out of it, if there were a fire or flood would she be able to help?
i can understand your grandmother’s distress about her son, but I also caution her not to take him into her home. Most people with FTD are very challenging to live with and care for even on medication and it is incurable and progressive. My mom nearly had a breakdown trying to care for my dad when they were both in their 70s and that was in a stable situation, with a lot of help from me and sometimes hired helpers.
It might help to give your grandmother some information about his condition. Try theaftd.org. Also, there is another online support group specifically for FTD if you and/or your grandmother want to check it out: ftdsupportforum.com
I am on there too with the same username.
He may live another 20 years or more but he will continue to deteriorate. Very likely he will become incontinent, unwilling to bathe, and has or will develop very unhealthy eating habits and obsessions that can be hell to deal with. Lastly, he should NOT be trusted with money.
If you or your grandmother manage to get in contact with his neurologist or whomever diagnosed him, ideally they will have social workers who can help you with available resources in the area.
good luck and best wishes to you!
I do have the neuros name & location which I plan to call on Monday to see if in the off chance i am on his HIPAA they can atleast formally explain diagnosis/plan of care. As far as i know from my mom they gave him two meds, one starting with a D and one with an M. One med to help with memory, the other to help keep him stable but mom could not recall exact names when I asked.
Nobody works, my mom is legally disabled, receives ssdi/on medicare and has been for 17 years. She has a congenital heart defect, valve replacement surgery back in early 2000's and then in 2007 was hit by a drunk driver(i know, go figure).
Brother and dad both have medicaid due to my dad being without a job. Mom has a housing voucher, hence the studio apt since they are divorced the voucher is to cover her and only her. Mom receives disability $ monthly so she pays the bills/receives state utility aid and food stamps. She also has a lifelong best friend that funds much of her extra life expenses/sends her money any time she requests. Truthfully speaking this person is the only reason they have made it this far cohabitation wise. My grandma also paid for my dads car insurance for about a year and is still actively paying my dad & brother's cell phone bill so she can always stay in contact with my dad. Grandma sends money to my brother/dad when there is a reasonable request and she can afford it(i.e paying for otc medication, gas for car, needing a necessity).
No, if there were a fire or flood my mom would be of no help. She is usually inebriated, and if she isn't she is usually very hung over having a manic episode. Mother also has bpd type 2, receives medication but does not take it most of the time.
I just feel helpless, I know my dad would never opt to live with my mom, after all there is a reason my parents are divorced. Throughout all of the dysfunction my dad was the lesser of two evils. He certainly played a part in the dysfunction just not to the same extremes as my mother. Heart hurts for my grandma, he is her baby out of 2 kids and her only son. Just a month ago he was telling her he wanted to come back home and that he would get a job with one of his past employers here. Grandma was apprehensive since his last job loss really was a blow for him and ever since that he has procrastinated on finding work, applying for jobs, health ins, or anything that he or my brother could benefit from. He just never recouped and now we have this terrible diagnosis. Along with them living so far away, roughly 1400 miles away. I'd be state specific but I fear for the confidentiality of this post. Although my brother is autistic, he is more so high functioning intelligence wise but easily manipulated or coerced by my mom and dad depending on the day, currently my mom is in his ear. I don't love to label people but I'm confident in saying he also suffers from mental health ailments/instabilities.
I will definitely look in to the resources & share informational websites with my grandma so thank you for that. Do I look in the state i live in or my dads current state?
Also apologies as I do realize this a very lengthy response, any and all help is so appreciated.
I have to admit I am overwhelmed by the amount of dysfunction you describe and am not sure how you could help without the risk of becoming subsumed in it. You really have three adults here who can’t independently function, and as I assume your mother is about the same age as your father, they are all not that old and may have decades ahead of them.
It’s late in most places in the US right now but as a new day starts I hope others on the forum have some good suggestions for you. The main one occurring to me is whatever you do DO NOT move in with, start financially supporting or do anything to jeopardize your own educational, career or relationship/family goals for these unfortunate people. Don’t go down with the ship.
First, your Dad should try for Social Security Disability or at least Suppliment income. This Dementia can become aggressive because its where the emotion center is. I really don't think your brother should become Medical proxy. Then there is, can Dad appoint him if incompetent.
I think your going to have to step back. Your family is too disfunctional to deal with. You can call APS and ask that they check on Dad. It will be up to APS to determine if hebis being cared for.
You can also call the police and ask them to do a welfare check on your dad whenever you need to.
This sadly is dysfunction at its finest, and until someone like the state(APS)steps in I don't think much will change. It will sadly take an "event" to happen like an accident or the like before anything positive can come out of it.
BUT...whatever you do, DO NOT even consider taking your dad into your care or home. You've lived with enough dysfunction so far in your life and you deserve better.
Your dad will only continue to get worse, and he now needs more help than you, your brother or your drunken mother can provide.
I would let the state take over his care and they will find placement for him, where at least he will be safe and be fed and will be away from your mother.
So PLEASE call APS first thing Monday morning and get the ball rolling for your dad. You'll be so glad you did.
I can tell how worried and sad you are. It is cruel fate that he was the lesser of two evils and now he has this really terrible form of dementia. This is not your fault nor your responsibility! Once again, I beg you not to consider changing anything about your own life to try to make things better for them. Do NOT live with any of them or give them your money.
Assuming he has FTD (and not Alzheimer’s) memory loss should not be an early symptom and he should not be taking Alzheimer’s drugs.
My mom and grandma (dads mom) do not get along, which understandably so. Moms bitter that grandma always picked my dad up when he was down on his luck, whilst grandma does not care for my mom because of who she is as a person and for all of the familial strain she caused over the decades.
Im not sure any agency will make reasonable suggestions if my mom purposely withholds information. She claims she was open and honest about their living situation at his neuro appointment but I take much of what she says with a grain of salt. Dad and brother are not on her lease, not listed on her voucher and should not be in her studio apartment otherwise she loses her housing. As much as she drinks she still has some of her witts when it comes to her own protection or benefit, most recently she would not allow my brother to use her address to gain access to my dads medical portal and said they need to get a p.o box instead. I think my mom and brother (id like to say with much coercion from my mom) just see this as their meal ticket/cash cow out of a very unfortunate situation on all accounts.
Come monday I think I will take everyone's advice and just call APS, I dont want to find out down the line that something awful has happened if this may help avoid it. I cannot continue trying to be reasonable with an unreasonable person. Truly hurts my heart, I don't want to cause any extra stress on anybody especially if my dad is as fragile as my mom is claiming but no one is leaving me much choice.