My mom is 67 and she has expressive aphasia (word fining), early dementia, and COPD. She was just discharged home from a nursing home about 3 weeks ago because she BEGGED me to come home. I'm 42, her only child and pretty much her only family aside from my 18-year-old son. The social worker and unit manager at the nursing home agreed she was ok to go home as long as services were in place. She has a full team of professionals (nurse, PT, OT, dietary, aides, NP) that see her but it seems like she is declining being at home. She is also an alcoholic. I don't have any proof that she has been drinking, but I am suspicious. There is a liquor store in walking distance and I know that she has walked herself to a CVS which is further than the liquor store. I am so overwhelmed, I don't have the money to put her in assisted living, I'm up to my eyeballs in debt, I give her EVERYTHING she wants, I take her EVERYWHERE she needs to go. She took herself to the CVS on Wednesday without my knowledge (she is not supposed to leave her house alone) and then couldn't get herself home, when her health agency got wind of this information, an elder safety report was filed so now they may put her back in a nursing home and she'll hate me forever. I don't even really know what advice I'm looking for here, maybe just to vent. I don't even know. I just know I can't handle much more.
If she has to be put back into a nursing home, it is what it is. That's not on you.
You're 42 years old. You can't just give up the life of a 42 year-old, which is employment, a home, and parenting your teenage son in favor of becoming a 24/7-365 care slave to your mother. That's not a possibility here. If your mother can't understand that it's on her. If she will hate you forever because you can't become her care slave, that pettiness is on her, not you.
You're not in a postion to take care of her nor can you maintain the status quo by propping up her false sense of independence. That's not your fault and you didn't do anything wrong. If you have to place her back in residentil care, it is because she needs to be safe and cared for. That's acting out of love for her.
https://www.healthline.com/health/neurological-health/wernicke-korsakoff-syndrome
What is driving these behaviors in you to make you want to take complete financial and care of a grown person? It sounds like fear, obligation and guilt better known as FOG. Let her become a ward of the state.
Realize that you've done everything that you can do at this time. Dementia and alcoholism are progressive illnesses that will not get better over time.
"I give her EVERYTHING she wants ... I take her EVERYWHERE"
You need to question why you are behaving like this.
What is running you? what are your motivations?
You need to learn that you HAVE TO (learn how to) set boundaries (and why) and learn that it is okay to say NO. First step is awareness and then the second, third and 27th ... is being present in how you feel ... learn that your feelings are valid and 'okay' ...
know you have a personal power - to do what is right for you and her.
However, if you continue to do do do for her (perhaps while she is actively drinking too much / an alcoholic) ... nothing will change.
How do you handle GUILT?
You learn to understand what is underneath it.
What is running you.
You feel it to your core - don't try to push it away.
You feel it then you make a decision: This is how I feel and this is what I need to do... then do it.
If you allow her behavior / needs to get you into (more) debt, this is on you. It is your responsibility to be responsible to yourself and your own welfare 'too' - tight love here perhaps, however you need to hear it.
Your mother is VERY YOUNG (younger than me).
She is responsible for your own decisions if she is medically deemed to be able to make decisions for her own welfare, ie no dementia or cognitive issues that would cause her to need an/other to make decisions on her behalf.
I sincerely recommend you get into therapy.
Discuss these feelings - and my questions to you here.
Check out Rick Hanson, Ph.D., meditation Wed nights Zoom.
His teachings (Buddhism) / meditation can support you to deal with yourself and find your equanimity. I've been a part of his Wed nights for around two years.
You need to feel good about yourself / respect yourself / feel whole... Easy. Ah No. It is a life-long process and it starts now ... in present time ... with each decision you make. Feel how you feel (awful, confused, disappointed, fearful, mad) and then make decisions that are necessary to make - for you - and then your mother.
Gena / Touch Matters
I knew it was a lie. My mom told me she didn't look after me at all. She didn't ask my aunt, firstly, because she said she had no patience and she said my aunt never asked my mother to watch me.
I told my aunt I don't think that's true. My mom said she didn't leave me with you or any other relative on her side of the family. Then she laughed and said she was kidding, but she wasn't. She was trying to manipulate me and making me think I owed her.
I agree with someone else and let your mom become ward of the state. That's the only way you're going to get her into one, I believe. My aunt is still home, hobbling along.
If she is not yet on Medicaid talk to her Caseworker or a Social Worker about the best way to proceed with next steps. She will need facility living so that she gets the help that she needs when she needs it and someone to monitor what she is doing.
(Has it been determined what type of dementia she has? Is it Vascular dementia? or is it dementia caused by her drinking? In some cases the damage can be slowed by stopping drinking)
But telling an alcoholic to stop drinking is easy, getting an alcoholic to stop drinking is not so easy.
If mom is in a facility you should feel NO "guilt" she is there for her own safety.
What you are doing is enabling your moms bad behavior by doing "EVERYTHING" for her, which in reality is hurting her and not helping her.
I would recommend attending some Al-Anon meetings so you can get a better understanding about alcoholics and the role loved ones often play in the alcoholics life.
You should NOT be spending one penny on your mom or her care. PERIOD.
If mom doesn't have enough money for her care she will have to apply for Medicaid and she may even have to sell her home to help pay for her care.
It does sound like your mom because she is so young, has alcohol related dementia which is such a shame. But that is on her and not you. She has made her bed and now she gets to lie in it.
So let your mom go back to the nursing facility where she will receive the care she now requires, and where she won't be able to drink anymore, as it's obvious the reason she is declining at home is because she is drinking again.
And you have to learn to be strong and not give in(enable)to your mom all the time as all that is doing is hurting her in the long run.
Let her be mad at you when you allow her to be taken back to the facility. At least you'll know that she'll be safe there and well taken care of, and won't be drinking. That should be your top priority.
I would also suggest replacing the "guilt" word with what you're truly feeling and that is "grief." You are grieving the way things are and the fact that you can't do a darn thing to change things, and you're grieving the mom you wish you had but don't, and you're grieving that things may never be the same between you and your mom again, which in the end may actually be a good thing, as what you have going on now isn't healthy anyway.
Please have mom placed again, and don't look back. You will be doing what is best for ALL involved, including yourself.
I'd recommend some AlAnon meetings for you.
Dad was a hardcore alcoholic. He lived to age 87. The more advanced the alcoholism, the needier he got.
She may have the start of Warnicke Korsakoffs.
You have got to take care of yourself and your son first.
Go to a few Al Anon meetings where you'll learn a whole lot, and also how to care for YOURSELF now.
Best of luck to you.
Despite your best intentions, you are getting manipulated by her and at the same time you aren’t doing right by her in keeping her home.
Might I suggest therapy or at least read the book “boundaries”?
And if Mom owns her home it can be sold to pay for her care .
Since Mom is so uncooperative , I would let the “ health agency “ do what they need to do and place her to keep her safe . If necessary , let her become a ward of the state . More so than you , they will more easily be able to place her and get Medicaid for her if necessary.
I would definatly “ work with” the agency on this and let them help get her placed . So many of us have had such trouble getting a parent to leave their home .
I’m sorry . It’s hard , many of us have been hated for placing a parent . Dementia stinks . If they were in their right minds they wouldn’t blame us.
Don’t let Mom put guilt trips . You have done nothing wrong . It’s not your fault she needs more care and supervision and can not be alone . Mom doesn’t and may never understand that she needs constant supervision.
Do not quit your job to stay with her . You need to work to support yourself and your son . You should not spend any of your own money for Mom’s care .