I had severe sciatica for years. Had minimally invasive surgery last year. It was a miracle. He refuses any and all drs for help. He told me yesterday Mother's Day to f..ing shut up and not to talk to him. I am so desperate. He lies to his family, who rarely care. My boys are far away but stay close. I'm dying and I have no one to help me. I am living on borrowed time by 2 months.
Do the same with whatever doctor(s) they should talk with, to understand what you're experiencing and how they can help from where they are. Ask about assisted living, inpatient hospice, or respite care, whatever setting would enable you to feel safe and cared for going forward. Let them know that your husband has become abusive and cannot be responsible for any of your care, so he should not be included in any discussions since he might sabotage your situation.
If you feel threatened by your husband, call 911 and ask that he be taken in for a psych evaluation and not released home until his threatening behavior has been addressed, for your safety. It's possible that medication could calm his behavior but it can take a while to take effect, and you aren't safe with him in the meantime.
I hope you can find solutions, and peace.
"re POA House is right of survivorship. Bank Account is joint. I lose his pensions and health insurance due to early retirement during marriage to late wife. We have been married 21 years. He has 3 sons, I have 2, one in foreign country and other x country.
I have tried to contact his dr and to no avail. If I called 911, the consequences would be horrible unless it was physical abuse which has not happened. Between a rock and a hard place."
Or... the consequences of calling 911 may get movement towards a solution. You are going to have to take a risk. There's no perfect solutions here, but an imperfect solution may be better than no solution at all. Do whatever protects yourself first and foremost. Do you have any friends or family you can live with for a while? A church or synagoge that you can ask or help? Or, you ask for a hospice assessment for yourself... you can always call social services for your county.
I would make sure one of your sons is made your durable PoA and you have all your legal ducks in a row. See if any of them can come for a limited stay (like a week or 2) just to sort through the situation and put solutions in place. Are they your biological sons with your husband? Or is it a blended marriage?
If your husband's behavior is "sudden" then consider he may have a UTI, which are very common in elder women (less so in men but they can still happen). Often the only symptoms are change in behavior, confusion, agitation, etc. It's treatable and he may return to his old self.
One solution is to call 911 and tell them he is acting abnormal and may have a UTI, and is refusing care. If they manage to get him to the ER, make sure to tell the discharge planner that you have terminal cancer and cannot care for him at home, that he would be an "unsafe discharge". Then ask to talk to a social worker about getting him transitioned directly into a facility, or to hold him until medication can address his aggression/agitation if he does not have a UTI or any other medical issue they can find in the ER. The do not diagnose dementia in the ER. His primary care doctor can do this -- if you can get him to an appointment. Do not worry what he thinks about it -- he'll get mad no matter what and now you have to act in YOUR own best interests.
Make sure you stress to the social worker that you need help yourself, that you cannot care for him at home due to his agitation and aggression that feels threatening.
If any of your sons can travel to you, they may need to go to an elder law attorney with you to figure out next steps.
I'm so sorry for this distressing situation. I have 3 sons as well and often downplay my issues so they don't worry BUT you cannot do this. You must be 100 honest with them so they understand the urgency of your situation. May you receive all the help you need, great wisdom in the process and peace in your heart that you're making the right decisions.