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Every time I go visit my 92 y o mom she states she "wants to die" and "this is not living". She's been in a nursing home since June 2025. She has memory issues and lived pretty much independently till June 2025 and then had multiple falls and trips to ER and hospitalized. She lived in an independent sr living apartment at that time but was no longer able to live independently. I understand why she states this and can sympathize with her but its eveytime I go see her. I keep the visits short and positive but even yesterday when I took lunch to her and was thinking this was gonna be a good visit she said the same things after she got done eating. I'm sure I would not be happy either if I was her also. She makes fun of the activities they offer when I bring up all the activities they do. She complains about the food and basically everything. She gets excellent care and I have not had any major issies while she's been there. She had a chance to move to a brand new place last Fall but refused. When she complains about things I give her options and she won't do any of the options. She does have some memory impairment but she is also manipulating too. My 2 brothers don't visit or call her so its just me. I try not to worry about her and her situation but it does bother me. Shes is on anti depression med and they did add other psych meds after I talked to Dir of Nursing and psych came to visit her but they just make her sleep all day so I asked them to stop the new ones and just continue the one she had been on before she moved there. She complained she can't see if her glasses so I arranged for eye appt but she refused to go. When she complains about her hip hurting I ask the nurse for some otc extra strength tylenol but she refuses it. She complains but refuses any of the solutions or just being plain difficult. I have told her this may times and pointed it out to her what she's doing then she changes the subject. So it obvious she does know what she's doing I feel.

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Your Mother sounds depressed. Sometimes medication can make you More depressed . To Be Honest I hope I drop dead of a heart attack before living in One of those Places . Arranged activities are not for everyone . For some people a Place Like that is Prison and for other people they Love a structured environment and attention . She Lost her Independence so she is upset .
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Reply to KNance72
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We used to call this a second childhood. She is acting like a two year old and that's what happens to some elderly people. My mom also complains about pain then says she doesn't want to take any meds for it. They love to wallow in their misery. Stop expecting her to change. She's not going to. You can only limit exposure to what is stressing you out. That's it. You can tell her again and again to stop saying things like this, but she may forget. You may be the only one that listens to her, so she wants to share her misery with you rather than to seek out peace and contentment. With my mom it took some trial and error to get the right psych meds, but it has worked very well. She goes to activities, talks to other patients and doesn't talk about her home as a prison anymore. I would speak with another specialist about trying a different med for depression. It can take a while to work. Until then stop feeling guilty. You are doing the best you can.
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Reply to JustAnon
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The end of life years are not easy. It is depressing. In the last couple of years of her life, my mother told me numerous times she wished she was dead already because she had no life. She was riddled with arthritis and in pain, had CHF and had profound hearing loss. She didn't want to go on anymore.

She was angry that my father overrode her DNR by insisting she have a pacemaker when she was in the cardiac ICU. So she was condemned to two more years of existing and ended up in a nursing home where she died. The sad thing was she still fully there cognitively up until the last week of her life. It would have been better for her if she wasn't.

She did not want antidepressants.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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My 94 year old father lives with us, has for about 5 1/2 years now. From day one he would complain to other family members, doctors, med techs, nurses, PT, etc—about everything in his life (and still does). Bored.(It was still covid with no vaccines available—we were all bored! ) Purposeless. Can’t have his spicy food. Etc etc etc. This would be no matter what great lengths I took to entertain him, find things for him to become involved in, places I take him and things I do with him, cooked anything he mentioned having a taste for (EXCEPT most times spicy things that due to med and health issues, he could no longer tolerate and then I would be the one to have to clean up after the aftermath). Many solutions for his complaints are rejected by him. I eventually hired an “active engagement” person to come talk with him (for hours) and come up with things to do. She said he has “unrealistic expectations” and is a challenge—he did things with her a couple of times and then rejected anything further. He still smokes as much as he wants (outside), drinks coffee to his hearts content.

It has taken me a lot of time to realize that he has these rehearsed speeches about elements of his life, running in his head. No matter what is actually happening in his life, it isn’t restoring him to his long-ago previous life (where my mom and brother were alive, he had a job and was the authority in the house, where he could see and hear and taste and smell and walk well)—so anything that I can do to address his complaints goes unnoticed and/or unremembered. I am working hard to not feel rejected or unappreciated. He has lost so much and is living, in many ways, his worst nightmare (he hated having my mom’s parents live with them and her caring for them. Now he IS them.) Looking at things from his perspective, I think he has been being very brave and strong to keep going and maintaining the level of independence he does have! (We have many fragrant, blooming plants around our yard. It struck me yesterday as I was appreciating just breathing in their fragrance, my dad cannot even enjoy that simple yet extravagant pleasure! Heartbreaking.)

I guess what I’m trying to say, is maybe your parent is similar. Nothing less than being completely restored to their former life will make them happy. Maybe they are so stuck in ruminating, that circular/rehearsed thinking (like my dad), that they will not notice or accept anything that CAN be done to better their situation. So, I will hope that you can make peace with doing what you can do, and not stress over the rest! (And be grateful that she is “in care” in a good place!)
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Reply to Hope21
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Your mother does not want a solution to her issues, she just wants a sympathetic ear to listen to her. My mother told me how much she wanted to die for decades. She lived to 95. During the last year of her life, I'd acknowledge her desire to die every time. I'd tell her I didn't blame her, but it wasn't up to either of us, it was up to God. That would stop her from talking about dying, and she'd change the subject.

I know this is tough to listen to, but it's likely how mom is feeling. Commiserate with her, that is what she'd like you to do, I would imagine. Old age in a nursing home is hard.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Your mother wants to be unhappy, so just let her. Visit her the minimum that you feel comfortable with and just stop thinking about and worrying about her in between. She has plenty of options if she ever changes her mind, but she simply doesn't want to. Her choice. Don't let her bring you down too.
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Reply to MG8522
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